CHAPTER 10

 “I swear, Andrew, I tried to stop him…I tried so hard…I didn’t want it to happen…I promise I didn’t…I wouldn’t lie…you know I wouldn’t lie…”

Andrew had been all but cradling the little angel in his lap for the last five minutes and she had yet to stop her pleading.  He was so damn mad at Paul he could barely see straight, but he forced the emotion aside, “Angel, sweetie, please…you don’t have to justify anything to me.  I know the truth, Monica and you have nothing to prove…shh, Angel, please, calm down…”

She was shaking her head as her entire body shook in his embrace, “I want it to be over, Andrew…I can’t do this anymore…when I told you…when I described him to Alex…I thought it was over…not so much what I feel inside, but at least how much I had to talk about it…but now…I not only have to talk about it, but I have to convince strangers who now know I was…I was…raped…that’s really what it was…that I wasn’t asking him to do it to me,” Another ragged sob escaped her as she continued, part of what she had been keeping in her heart was no longer willing to be silenced, “Wasn’t it bad enough that it happened to me?  Why do I have to convince other people that it did?”

Andrew remained silent, hearing the pain finally coming from her.  He didn’t want to interrupt.  He wanted her to speak it so he could start to heal it, “What else, angel?” He whispered tenderly, hoping she would take his gentle coaxing and release her pent up emotions.

“There is so much I don’t understand, Andrew…just so much…”

“Like what, Monica.  You can tell me,” He continued to hold her in his arms, rocking her slowly as he kissed the top of her head.

“How any of you can even look at me…or still love me…I can’t even look at myself…I hate what I see, Andrew…I hate it…and it happens again and again, night after night in my dreams…I wake up feeling filthy…feeling violated…angels are supposed to be pure, but I’m not…and I never will be again…I keep trying to think of what I could have done differently…how I could have stopped it…I keep wondering if I am all those things he called me…when I think of myself, those are the words I hear now…not angel, not child of God…he didn’t even know me, Andrew…he didn’t even know me…he didn’t love me…he didn’t care about how I felt or if he was hurting me…he didn’t lose anything that night…but I…I lost everything…”

Tears were burning in his eyes.  There was so much pain emerging from her that he could hardly breathe, but yet he held her more tightly than he ever had before. “No, you didn’t,” He whispered after he could finally speak, “I know you can’t see it, Monica, but we’re all still here and nothing about what happened to you  has changed how we feel about you.  I love you, Angel Girl.  I love you so much and would do anything to take this pain from you.  It breaks my heart to see you hurting like this, but let me give you some new words to think about; the things that come to my mind when I look at you.  Beautiful, compassionate, child-like, innocent…”

“No!  I’ll never be-.”

“Yes,” He stated more firmly as he caught her cheek in his hand and looked into her red and swollen eyes before his voice dropped to a whisper, “Yes, angel.  He can’t take any of those things from you.  They are too much a part of who you are; of who God created you to be and no matter how much you tell yourself they aren’t true, they are what I always see when I look at you.”

She was looking up at him through tears and he felt his heart stir with the emotions he had been battling.  She looked as if she was searching his eyes for something that she didn’t quite understand and his breath caught in his throat.

A knock at the door disrupted the moment and Andrew’s head shot up, suddenly feeling incredibly guilty and not sure of why.  A moment later, Paul walked in and the angel’s face immediately showed his anger.

Paul saw Andrew’s expression immediately and knew he was deserving of it, but he would have to deal with how Andrew felt about him later, “Monica, I’m so sorry.”

She tried to pull herself together enough to be able to speak to him, but her voice was still trembling, “No, Paul, it’s all right.  I agreed to it…I just didn’t think it would be so hard.  I’ll try to do better…” But he was already shaking his head.

“No, you won’t, because you aren’t testifying.  I’m not putting you through that, sweetheart.  You’ve been through more than enough as it is and it stops here.  I just want you to get better, honey, that’s all and I’m sorry if I hindered that in any way today.”

“Paul, I have to testify…he can’t just go free so he can hurt someone else…”

“Little angel, you aren’t ready to do this and that heart of yours is never going to be ready to be questioned in this way about what happened to you.  You always speak the truth and you do it beautifully and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let anyone question it,” He was hoping she wouldn’t argue.  Seeing her up there in a court of law, feeling beaten and humiliated was not something he ever wanted to see and he had no doubt that’s what would happen to her.  She was too delicate a creature to be subjected to having her spirit crushed by those who didn’t have enough conscience to keep them from defending a guilty man.

Monica looked into his eyes and saw the pain and sympathy that he held for her. He wanted to protect her. Everyone wanted to protect her, but no one had been able to that night and now she was the only one who could protect her rapist’s next victim. How could she just hide in her room and allow him to go free?

“I know that none of you understand how I can feel so guilty… but I do,” her last words were whispered. “I don’t think I can take on any more guilt right now… and if I don’t at least try to testify…”

Paul looked down, crestfallen. He had been afraid that would be her answer. As usual she only wanted to help someone else, even if she didn’t know who that someone else was. Only now, thanks to him, she would have almost three weeks to replay the last half-hour in her mind and dread what was sure to come in the actual trial. What the fuck had he been thinking, pushing her so hard?

“You’ve still got time to decide, Monica. Remember what I told you… we won’t think any less of you.”

Her head lifted from its place on Andrew’s chest. “I will,” she said before resting her ear above the blond angel’s heart once more.

Paul’s mouth straightened into a rigid line and he nodded once before leaving the room. He wanted to fall down on his knees and keep begging her forgiveness for what he had done, but it was clear that wasn’t what she wanted or expected,, and he would only be doing it to make himself feel better. In any event, he had a feeling he’d have plenty of opportunity to beg forgiveness when Andrew got him alone.

As he closed her door quietly he nearly ran into Tess who was standing in the hallway. “Tess. Maybe you’ll give me the lecture I deserve,” he said with some disgust.

Tess met his eyes and shook her head. “No, baby, that’s not what I’m here for, and I think you’re doing a fine job of tearing yourself up inside.”

“Take a look at Monica and see if you still think I don’t deserve it.”

“Paul, you love Monica and you didn’t want to hurt her. You were trying to prepare her for what’s going to happen.”

“Yeah, well with any luck it won’t happen,” he muttered, although he knew that if Monica didn’t go through with it she was right, the guilt would overwhelm her.

“No, with the grace of God, Monica will be given the strength to handle whatever happens… whether that is testifying or deciding that she isn’t able to testify.”

Paul stared at her stern face for a moment and then let his mouth turn up on one side. “Yeah… as usual, you’re right. It’s a good thing you’re around to keep us all in line.”

He watched as her face changed subtly, a slight look of regret settling over it. “Well, that’s the other thing, baby. I’m being called away for a little while.”

“What? Now? But Monica needs you!”

“She has all of you to support her, and I have every faith in you. She understands that sometimes God’s timing isn’t our timing.”

“But Tess!”

“Don’t worry. I’ll be back just as soon as I can, and until then I know that you’ll all do your best to bring that little angel back to herself again.”

“Of course we will,” Paul replied, realizing the futility of arguing with her.

“Good. Now let me in there. I need to tell her goodbye before I head off.” She leaned forward and gave Paul a warm hug.

“Take care, Tess… not that I really need to tell you that.”

“Oh, but it’s always nice to hear, baby.” She slowly released him and watched him walk down the hall to the kitchen before turning her attention back to the closed bedroom door.

The light knocking made Andrew look up. “Come in,” h said knowing that it couldn’t be Paul figuring he’d be able to keep his temper in check.

“How are you two doing?” Tess asked as she entered.

Monica sniffled and wiped the back of her hand across her eyes as Andrew looked down at her, the concern evident in his face.

“I’ll be fine,” Monica answered at last. “I was just…”

Tess quickly sat down on the edge of the bed and placed her warm hand over the little angel’s ice cold one. “Baby, don’t you ever talk down about what you’re feeling.”

“I thought I could do it,” she whispered.

“And you did. You did just fine. It takes time, Angel Girl, and you just haven’t had enough of it yet.”

Monica turned to face her supervisor. “Sometimes it feels like there will never be enough time.”

“I know, Baby, but keep believing in the Father, and in yourself. You will come through this, Monica.”

The little angel bit her lip, but she nodded, praying that Tess was right about this as she was about most other things.

“Now, I know that neither of you aren’t going to want to hear this, but I am being called away--”

“What? No… Tess…” the change in Monica’s face was almost instantaneous, from cautious trust to full-blown anxiety.

Andrew didn’t say a word, but the irate look on his face spoke volumes.

“It won’t be for long, and I know that you will all get along just fine without me,” Tess tried to assure her.

She held back all of her pleading words, knowing that once God had spoken it was pointless to argue. Instead she settled on, “Keep praying for me?”

Tess felt tears at the back of her eyes as she leaned forward and pulled her young charge into her warm embrace. “Of course, baby. Always.”

“Come back soon, Tess,” were Andrew’s only words as the older angel finally broke free and stood up.

“Just as soon as I can, Andrew,” she replied, as she looked from the tear-filled eyes of the Irish angel to the stoic expression on Andrew’s face. “Take care of each other, babies,” she said, and then left the room quickly before she had a chance to regret this turn of events even more.

Andrew looked down as Monica rested her head against him once more and he brushed his fingers lightly through her hair, “Why don’t you try to get some sleep, sweetheart?” He felt a tremor go through her and he pulled away to look into her eyes.

The tears were falling once more and there was complete despair in her dark eyes, “God won’t send you away too, will He? “

“No, angel, no.  I’m not going anywhere, I promise you that,” He assured her as he swiped at her tears, “C’mon, lie down for awhile,” He waited as she moved to curl up on the bed, her eyes immediately going to the ever present pill bottle on the nightstand, before she closed them.  He watched as another tear fell from her eye, and could tell she was on the verge of more sobs.

“Andrew, I don’t think I can…” She opened her eyes as he reached for the pills and handed one to her, “I’m sorry,” She whispered, the remorse and self-loathing evident in her eyes at needing such a thing in order to sleep.

“Please don’t apologize, angel,” He waited until she had taken the pill before he pulled a blanket up over her.

“Are you staying?”

“I’ll be back, sweetie.  I need to take care of something and then I’ll be here,” He watched as she nodded her head sadly, thankfully too caught up in everything that had happened to catch the hint of anger that was still present in his eyes.

He had noticed Paul walking down to the stables out of Monica’s window and once he had closed her door, he headed down the path, his strides quick and purposeful.  He was trying to hold onto the anger he felt, but he                                      knew in his heart it was already beginning to diminish.  He had seen the look in Paul’s eyes, but he was so frustrated with any improvement Monica made being pushed back by someone’s actions.  First it had been him…

He sighed. Yes, it had been him last time and Paul had been angry, but understanding.  Andrew knew his friend deserved the same treatment.

Paul looked up when the angel entered the stable.  He had been expecting Andrew, which is why he had ventured away from Alex and Monica.  If Andrew was as pissed off as Paul thought he was, the two ladies had no reason to overhear it.

Andrew looked over at the agent and stuffed his hands into his pockets, “I came down here to throw you up against the wall, but I guess you know that.”

“The thought had crossed my mind,” Paul smirked slightly, meeting the angel’s eyes, “I deserve it.”

“No, you don’t.  Not really.  I know you feel terrible and that makes me feel a little bit better.  Plus, I was the one who made a mess of it the last time and you didn’t throw any punches at me.”

“Well, that comes as a relief then as you have a nasty right hook for an angel,” Paul grinned and was relieved when Andrew’s lips twitched in a tiny smile, “I should have stopped questioning her sooner, buddy.  I think I knew all along she would never be able to handle it, no matter how much she wanted to be able to.  Problem is, those are the kinds of questions and insinuations that Grady’s attorney is going to be making and I’m not sure that three years would be enough time for her to be ready.”

“No.” Andrew remarked, walking over to Scout’s stall as his mind took a glimpse back at brighter days with Monica, before William Grady had ever set eyes on her, “She’s questioning everything, Paul.  Herself, us…”

“Us?” Paul raised his eyebrows, clearly demanding an explaination.

“How we can look at her.  How we can still love her.  She sees herself now as the horrible things he called her that night and I don’t know how to change that.  All I know is that I want to…but right now…”

Paul approached the angel and laid a hand on his shoulder, “Right now what, buddy?”

Andrew was silent for a long moment and when he spoke his voice was low and filled with self disgust, “Right now, I don’t even trust myself around her.”

A million thoughts ran through the agent’s head, unsure of what is was Andrew was referring to, “Andrew, what the hell are you talking about?”

The angel ran a rough hand through his short, blond hair, “I don’t know…I don’t know how to explain it, Paul.  My feelings for her are changing and God forgive me, I don’t know how or why this is happening, but-.”

“You need to level with me, Andrew,” The agent’s voice was stern, unsure if his earlier assumptions about Andrew were indeed correct, or if this was something more dark and negative.  He doubted the latter, but things had been changing so quickly of late he felt as if everything were spinning out of control.

Andrew’s voice was choked when he turned to his friend, “I think you were right, Paul…I think I’m in love with her and I don’t even know when those feelings changed.  Not that I can do a damn thing about it, but…this whole thing is just so fucking unfair!  God created love, both the emotion and the physical act and she never had much of a notion about the physical side of things.  Now, it happened to her in a cruel and violent way and she is never going to have anything to compare it to…no one to show her it was not the way being in love was intended to be.  The physical side of it is only a small part of it…there is so much more and she will never understand that because of what the son of a bitch did to her!”

Paul felt torn.  He was feeling both sympathy for Andrew and a fierce protection for the little angel for which he was referring to, “I hear what you are saying, Andrew, but there is no way in hell you can lay all this on her…not right now.”

“I know that!  Don’t you think I know that, Paul?  But on the same token, these feelings are so strong right now, I’m almost afraid to be around her!  Before you knocked on her door a little while ago, I was almost sure she was seeing the truth!”

Though it was Andrew who had come down to the stable to sort out Paul, it was now the agent who tightened his grip on the angel’s shoulder, “But being close to her is exactly what you are going to do, Andrew.  If you pull away because of this, she is going to think it is because of an entirely different reason altogether and you will not and cannot hurt her like that.  She needs you to be who you have always been for her, so I suggest that wherever these feelings came from, you stuff them back in that little box and throw away the key.”  He knew he was being unreasonable; that Andrew couldn’t just turn off what he was feeling for Monica anymore than he had been able to turn off what he had first felt for Alex.  But the little angel was too fragile right now to be confronted with this and Paul hadn’t even had time to sort through how he felt about this sudden revelation of an entirely different color.  Gone was the beautiful golden glow that usually surrounded the angels, to be replaced by something Paul was having trouble fathoming.

The angel lowered his eyes in shame.  He kept waiting for God’s hand to reach through the roof of the stable and snatch him Home until he could get his head on straight.  Monica was going through the worst time in her existence and here he was proclaiming to Paul that he was in love with her. 

“Listen Andrew, maybe you need to take a little walk and clear your head.  I’ll check on Monica and make sure she is all right, but if you are talking about putting anymore distance between the two of you right now, you and I are going to be spending a good bit of time down here,” Paul’s voice was stern and not allowing for any argument.

Andrew shook his head and gave a slight shrug. “Don’t worry. Even as afraid as I am of her seeing through me, I don’t think I have it in me to pull back. Hell, just coming down here to talk to you was an effort.”

“Glad to hear it. I have no idea what the Man Upstairs has in mind for you, but I learned from the best that it’s always a good idea to go along with it and trust Him to tell you what to do.”

*****

Andrew took Paul’s advice and decided that a brief walk would be the best thing he could do for himself. There were fluffy clouds overhead, but the sun occasionally peeked out, warming him inside and out. His heart was in such turmoil but he knew that he had to get it under control or else Monica would start asking questions. Paul was right. If he changed the way he acted around her she was sure to think that it was because his feelings for her had changed because of what had happened to her. Of course his feelings had changed, but not the way she would fear, although telling her exactly how would probably scare her just as much.

“Father,” he started talking as he wandered across the field and down to the woods. “I don’t know what it is I’m feeling, or why I’m feeling it, but You do. The last thing I want to do is hurt her, Father. Please, if You can’t take these new emotions back, please don’t let her see them… not now… not until she’s stronger.” In his heart Andrew was wondering if she would ever be strong enough to learn about how his feelings were changing. He could only pray that if she ever did that it wouldn’t frighten her and destroy the special relationship that they had shared for so many years.

Yes, as much as I hate to say that, right now Andrew cannot tell Monica the truth; Paul is right, our angel girl is not ready yet to know that her beloved angel boy is in love with her... I said YET...