CHAPTER 12

“I don’t believe this shit,” Paul muttered under his breath as he paced the kitchen floor a moment later, “That son of a bitch was supposed to rot in jail for the rest of his life, but instead he gets the fuckin’ easy way out, while she has to carry this around for the rest of eternity!”

“Separation from God is not ‘the easy way out’ baby,” Tess interjected, but Paul was quick to cut her off from finishing the thought.

“He already had separation from God,” He growled angrily, “He dies an accused man instead of a guilty one!”

“But we know he was guilty, Paul, and so does God,” Alex tried to soothe, “It’s not important that anyone else know it.”

“It’s important that Monica know it!” He snapped, hating the fact that his wife flinched, but unable to deal with it at the moment, “She feels guilty as hell about the whole damn thing and that fucking trial we held here last week certainly didn’t help her in questioning herself!  Now she will never get the satisfaction of hearing the judge say that the bastard is guilty, so where does that leave her?  It leaves her blaming herself, because she has run out of people to blame!”

Andrew had been listening to the exchange, his jaw clenched, hearing what Paul was saying and knowing it was the truth.  He also knew that he had to get to Monica before despair claimed her once more, “I’m going to talk to her.”

“Andrew, don’t,” Alex reached for his arm to stop him, “She needs a little time to take this in-.”

“No,” He was shaking his head the moment she had started speaking, “Time is only going to cause her to pull away, and she’s worked too hard coming out of the shell Grady sent her into to be plunged back into it.” He saw Tess start to argue with him as well and he held up his hand to stop her, the look on his face alone silencing her.

He barely knocked this time before he opened the door and walked into her room and froze at what he saw.  Monica generally avoided the closet, due to the full length mirror that hung inside of the door.  Her clothes were usually draped across the chair and if she needed something, she had been asking him to retrieve it for her.  He never questioned it, especially at first when the bruises on her face had been so prominent and once they had healed, he had assumed she was just trying to make him feel useful.

But now she was standing in front of it, staring at her reflection with tears streaking down her face.  Her expression was both broken and disgusted and he felt his heart pounding in his chest.  She never took her eyes from her own reflection when she whispered to him.

“How can you look me at me?  All you can see is what he did and now you’ll never even be able to hear the truth…”

In the time it took her to say those words, he was at her side, firm hands on her shoulders as he turned her to face him, but much to his dismay, she turned her face away from him as if protecting him from seeing the distorted image of herself that she was seeing.

“I don’t need a jury to know the truth, Monica-.”

“But maybe I did!” She cried out bitterly, “Maybe I needed to hear it…I know I needed you to hear it!” She tried to wretch herself away from him, but he held on fast, “I was in a bad part of town in the middle of the night, dressed in my ‘working clothes’!  I was asking for it!  William Grady said I was and the prosecuting attorney would have said I was!”

“No!  Don’t you dare believe that!  I’m not going to let you believe that!  You were not there that night looking to get hurt-.”

“Raped, Andrew!  Everyone keeps calling it ‘hurt’!  I didn’t sprain my ankle; I was raped!  Being hurt would heal, but this doesn’t and it never will!  It’s over for William Grady, but it isn’t over for me!  Did he even repent?  Was he even sorry before he died?”

Her voice contained the smallest shred of hope and for the first time in his existence, he considered lying to her, but he knew he couldn’t, “No.  He didn’t ask for forgiveness.”

Her head still turned away, she pressed her lips together to ward off a sob, as she tried to blink back tears, “So he never even admitted to doing something wrong and any guilt he may have been feeling died with him, but I wasn’t allowed to die, even though I wanted to…at times I still want to, because I don’t know how to exist like this!”

Her words about wanting to die cut through his heart like a dull edged knife, “You’ve been doing fine, angel!  Better than fine-.”

“You’re seeing what you want to see, Andrew!  What I want you to see, because I feel terrible that you feel so badly about what he did!  Every sympathetic glance reminds me and it’s easier to pretend I’m getting over it, then to constantly see that he raped me in everyone’s face!” She closed her anguished eyes and a sob escaped her throat as her voice dropped to a whisper, “I must be such a disappointment to all of you…”

“No!” His voice was shaking and he felt tears in his own eyes at her words of self loathing, “You never disappoint me, Monica!  Never!” When she still wouldn’t face him, he removed his hands from her shoulders and took her face firmly into them to force her to look at him, “Yes, he raped you, raped being the operative word here.  You didn’t consent.  You fought him as hard as you could.  This is not your fault, no matter what you may think,” She was trembling and unable to stop her tears and he longed to just hold her until she believed what he was saying, but he knew that there was more she had to hear and more importantly, believe, “Now I cannot pretend to know how much it hurts you, though I see it in your eyes each and every day, but I am certainly not disappointed in you.  What the hell would I have to be disappointed about?  You did all you could to prevent this from happening and you have nothing, nothing to feel guilty about.  I want to help you, but the first thing you have to do is to quit hiding how you feel for my benefit!   Damnit Monica, stop asking so much of yourself!” He watched as she blinked to try to clear her eyes, but her efforts were in vain and he lowered his voice, “You cannot hide from me, angel, no matter how much you want to.  You’re a part of me and there isn’t anything Grady could have done to you to change that.”

Monica closed her eyes briefly, feeling his pain for her in her heart for the first time since this had happened.  She had closed it off, just as she had the rest of herself.  Opening her swollen eyes, she whispered sadly to him, “We’re still connected, but I don’t understand how you can want to be connected to me anymore, Andrew…not now…”

“Because with everything in me, I love you, angel.  Do you hear me?  I love you and no matter how hard you fight against that fact, I will fight you just as hard until you believe it in your heart and trust me, sweetheart, you cannot fight hard enough to make me feel any differently.  I’m not going to let you push me away because you see something in that mirror that no one else sees when they look at you.  Do you understand what I’m telling you, Monica?”

He held his breath as she searched his eyes, hoping she would not fight him and that she would lower the last of her defenses.  The moment was so quiet, Andrew could hear both of their hearts pounding, seemingly sharing one beat, but he was not letting her go until he had an answer that satisfied him.

Her answer didn’t come in words, it came with her throwing herself into his arms and holding on tighter than she ever had before and he felt himself almost knocked to his knees when he suddenly felt her open up the closed in places in her heart. Fear, doubt, pain, humiliation and shame all boiled up from inside her and passed directly into him, but above it all was a feeling of love so deep and trusting that it could allow such openness. That love was what nearly made him stumble. The rush of overwhelming feelings was gone a minute later, and he knew that she had locked them up again, as much for her own sake as his.

“Do you still feel the same way?” she whispered.

He held her even tighter and closed his eyes against the tears that threatened. “More, angel. I love you even more.”

“If I forget, will you keep reminding me?”

Unbidden a tearful smile burst upon his face and he kissed the top of her head over and over again. “I will never stop reminding you, Monica. I will love you forever.”

“I’m sorry that I keep needing to hear it,” she blurted out.

“No, baby, no, don’t say that. You deserve to hear it. Every day, and for the rest of your existence.”

They stood holding each other for a long time, with Andrew continuing to stroke her hair and hold her close. She was trembling in his arms, the emotions getting the best of her, but she stayed nestled in his arms, feeling protected and truly safe for the first time in a very long time. He knew her heart and he hadn’t even flinched. That realization kept running through her mind. He would never leave her. He loved her. He believed in her. All of those thoughts were like a drug that made her heart pound even harder than it already was.

When they finally broke apart, Andrew guided her to the bed and sat down, opening his arms to her. She was curled within them a second later. His steady breathing calmed her but she could tell that he had something to say, and her eyes remained open and alert. When his words finally came, she wasn’t surprised.

“Monica,” he said slowly, “have you really just been pretending to feel better?” He hated to ask, but he needed to know even though he dreaded the answer.

He watched as her expression turned pensive and her fingers started plucking at the quilt that covered her. “Sometimes,” she answered at last.

“Do we—do I really make you feel like you need to?”

“I don’t know,” she answered truthfully, “I just know that I feel so guilty sometimes… you’re all here trying to help me…”

“We’re trying to help you get better, not cover up your pain.”

“But sometimes the pain is so strong that I don’t want you to see it.”

“Monica, that’s when you need to let it out the most.”

She was quiet for a minute before speaking again. “Yesterday, when we were watching movies and we were all cuddled up on the sofa, and Alex and Paul were in that big chair, I felt so comfortable… so happy.” She fell silent but he knew better than to push her. “Then, I don’t even know what happened, but it all came rushing back to me and I wanted to scream and cry and hide somewhere, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t let you all see that.” She looked up at him, “And you were so proud of me. I could tell. You were so glad that I was out of my room and talking and laughing, but inside I was crying so hard I couldn’t breathe.”

A gentle hand against her cheek guided her head down to his chest. “Monica, I am always proud of you. Even if you stayed in this room all day, every day, I would still be proud of you, just for being you. Maybe we have been pushing you, but we aren’t pushing you to forget, or to pretend you feel something that you don’t. When you feel that kind of panic, or even if you suddenly feel like you just want to curl up somewhere, that’s when I want to help you the most.”

“But it shouldn’t be this way… I should be better by now, but it feels like it never will be over.”

“No, angel… you shouldn’t be ‘better’ by now. I think you’re expecting more from yourself than we are. But it’s not going to last forever either.”

“I wish I could believe that.”

Andrew closed his eyes and swallowed hard against the anger that had suddenly bubbled up in his chest. The man who deserved it was already dead, and the little angel in his arms certainly didn’t need to deal with it.

“I’ll make you believe, Monica. Just give me a chance and I’ll make you believe.”

*****

“Paul, honey, stop pacing,” Alex said as she lifted her coffee cup to her mouth.

“I can’t help it.” He looked at her apologetically. “He’s been in there a long time.”

“I’m sure Monica had a lot to say,” Tess reasoned.

“Yeah… yeah, I guess,” he said agreed, but mentally he was wondering if Andrew had let slip about his feelings. He felt his jaw tighten as he considered that possibility. The last thing Monica needed was to deal with that on top of everything else. He found himself unaccountably angry at his friend every time he thought about what he’d told him. It was similar to how he’d felt when he’d caught Andrew and Monica hugging for the first time, but this time it wasn’t jealousy he was feeling, it was protectiveness. He had a feeling that if Andrew tried anything, he’d do his best to break his arm.