CHAPTER 19

Paul wound up being the third one up the following morning, much to his surprise.  Generally, he was the first one out of bed and would have breakfast started by the time Alex would wander sleepily into the kitchen, eyes only half opened for the cup of coffee he would press into her hand.  He knew her well; conversation was best kept to a minimum until half the cup was empty, at least if he valued his life.

But this morning, the two angels were already awake and quietly clammoring around the kitchen and the agent stood in the doorway, unnoticed, observing them as he tried to gauge how their date had gone.

As cooking had never been one of Monica’s strong suites, Andrew was standing behind her at the counter as he instructed her in seasoning what would soon be hashbrowns.  Paul couldn’t quite make out their quiet whispers and he could hear hushed giggles from the little angel.  He watched as, satisfied, Andrew left her to her task, but not before wrapping his arms around her waist and pressing a gentle kiss to her cheek, and Paul didn’t miss the little grin on Monica’s face.

The agent was trying to put his own concerns to rest, but it was still difficult for him.  It was obvious that Andrew made Monica happy, and for that he was eternally grateful.  But the memories from the last several weeks still haunted him and sometimes kept him awake at night, long after Alex was sound asleep, snuggled up against him.  He didn’t want the vulnerable little angel getting in over her head so soon after her horrific ordeal as he had caught glimpses of scars on her soul and though he trusted Andrew, he was not as quick to trust the newfound emotions that were running through the two angels.  Monica had a track record of expecting far too much from herself and he didn’t want to see her pushing herself to move things along too quickly.

“Paul.  Good morning,” Monica’s cheery greeting as she spotted him caused him to stand up straight, not wanting it to look as if he had been spying, despite that truth.

“Good morning,” He smiled, taking note that she and Alex had done some serious shopping, as the petite angel was looking more like herself in jeans that actually fit her properly and a salmon colored summer sweater, with delicate buttons extending from the v-neck.  She looked both relaxed and comfortable and the absence of shoes was something he had come to expect from her, “Did you two kids have a good time last night?” He teased lightly, only then seeing the emerald heart that Monica had around her neck.

“A wonderful time,” She corrected him with a smile, first to him, before she looked over at Andrew and met his gaze, “So wonderful in fact, that we’re fixing you and Alex breakfast.  Sort of a thank you for all your help with last night.”

“I hope your infatuation with her isn’t making you blind to her previous cooking experience, buddy,” He grinned in the blond angel’s direction, “I was just standing here trying to decide if I should dig out the fire extinguisher.”

Monica tried to look indignant, but failed miserably as she giggled, “No, he has not yet consented to that, so your house is still safe.”

Paul and Andrew chuckled at her honest reply, “We’ll then, I guess I’ll grab a shower and wake the lady,” He winked playfully, “And Tess.  And in case you are worrying about her, don’t.  Between God, Alex and I she is all up to speed.”

“Thanks, Paul,” Andrew grinned, exchanging a relieved look with the little angel, “At first I wasn’t sure if we were going to get out the door last night.”

“Yeah, with her blocking it, I’m sure you were.  She can be a little intimidating at times.”

Monica ducked her head to stifle a laugh, remembering her conversation with Andrew last night at dinner.  Andrew’s eyes were twinkling mischieveously as well, but he simply gave a nod to Paul.

Though the agent had the feeling he was riding on the tail end of some joke, he turned to the hall, deciding not to ask.  Changing his mind a moment later, he turned back and stopped abruptly.

The two angels had crossed paths in the kitchen and now Andrew’s hands were cupping her face as he kissed her tenderly and the agent shook his head.  Maybe he was wrong to worry, but he couldn’t help but to feel unsettled, thinking that when the time came for two angels to return to their respective duties, Monica would be losing much more than her security.

****

The chirping of the crickets seemed to be the only sound to signify that any other creatures were even still awake on the the warm summer night.  Though the darkness still caused her to feel afraid, with Andrew’s arms around her on the porch, Monica felt perfectly safe.

The last two weeks had been a whirlwind of activity that caused her heart to soar, coupled with more temporary good-byes that caused it to ache.  Tess had been called away once more, which though it had saddened the little angel, it had also come as a bit of a relief.  The older angel had been watching she and Andrew closely and neither of the younger angels were convinced that their friend was completely comfortable with their deepening relationship.  She was always cheerful and encouraging, but Monica still felt as if Tess had not quite accepted the changes.

Paul and Alex were spending more time in Washington now, which had been at Alex’s not to subtle suggestion.  Paul had been taking his “big brother” role rather seriously, though he always did it under the pretense of joking. Monica imagined that being angels confused the issue a bit for her friend as Paul always seemed to be asking Andrew where things were heading between them.  It was during one of these interrogations, that Alex had plopped herself down on her husband’s lap and remarked with a grin, “It is SO time for you to go back to work!”

Monica could only suspect that a much longer conversation later that night had followed Alex’s initial remark, as the next morning it had been decided.  The two agents were now in the city most of the week, returning in time for the weekend and the little angel missed them.

“Angel, you’re miles away.” Andrew’s voice broke into her thoughts and she looked up at him and smiled but he could sense a trace of sadness in her eyes as he tightened his hold on her, “What is it, Monica?  Something is bothering you.”

She gave a tiny shrug, unsure of how to answer him.  The romance between them was continuing to blossom, but that brought with it a new set of problems for her, though there was only one she felt able to share, “We’ve been here a long time,” She whispered, laying her head against his shoulder, “I supposed it will be ending soon.”

He instantly knew her fears.  As often as they were assigned to work together, they were often assigned to work apart and he had been thinking about it too, or rather, trying not to think about it as he couldn’t imagine leaving her, not now.  Not only did his love for her make the thought unbearable, but so did the rape as the very thought of something triggering a flashback when she was alone or possibly with someone who had not known her struggle made his stomach twist into a knot, “Let’s not think about that yet.  We haven’t been told anything.” Though he too knew that with Tess on assignment and Alex and Paul back at work, that he and Monica were on borrowed time.

She gazed up at him, blinking back tears, “I just wish we could stay like this forever,” she whispered as if stating it could make it so.

Andrew kissed the top of her head, then dipped his own to brush his lips up against hers, “Me too,” He whispered, his voice thick with emotion.

Though she loved the feeling of his arms around her and could not ever imagine herself growing tired of being able to kiss him, she felt the doubt creep slowly back into her heart again.  She felt as if she had been taking so much from him and was giving him nothing in return and for some reason she was terrified of them going on separate assignments without being able to give of herself completely.  The problem was that she was equally  terrified of doing so.  She had wanted to talk to Alex about it, but the weekends seemed to get away from them and she was never able to get the agent alone for more than a minute or two.  So she had been left to imagine the worst and trying to steel herself to be able to give it anyway.

“It will all work out, angel,” His soothing voice caused her to close her eyes, trying to block out her thoughts, “I will find a way to make sure it does.”

“Yes,” She whispered, feeling a lump rise to her throat, “So will I.”

*****

Two days later, Monica woke early and ventured into the kitchen alone, quickly starting coffee before sitting down at the table with the cordless phone in her hand. She had come to a few decisions during the night, and one of them had been that she definitely needed to talk to Alex.

Andrew and she had fallen into a very pleasant routine, spending nearly every waking moment together, exploring their new relationship and further deepening their very old friendship. One part of that routine was that Friday nights had turned into “date night” with Andrew disappearing for several hours in the afternoon, and arriving at the door at precisely seven o’clock, with roses and an offered arm. This Friday, Monica was determined that the evening would end with more than just amorous kisses.

Friday was only a day away and she just had to talk to Alex before hand. She had been putting it off, hoping that maybe the agent would call to check in, or that somehow all of her trepidation would simply fall away as the day approached, but in fact the opposite had happened. She found herself growing more nervous and was even afraid that Andrew was beginning to pick up on it. She had caught him looking at her with concern during their dinner the night before. She was ashamed to find that she was hoping he just thought it was some left-over feelings from the rape, and then she realized that he wouldn’t exactly be wrong.

Taking a deep breath she quickly punched in Alex’s cell phone number. It was only eight-thirty but she knew that the agent always arrived at the office by eight so hopefully Paul would not be around.

After two rings, “Agent Bennett,” was the crisp answer over the phone.

“Alex?” her friend sounded more official and businesslike than she’d ever heard.

“Monica, is that you?”

“Yes,” Monica answered feeling somewhat less confident than she had five minutes earlier.

“Is something wrong? What’s wrong? Do you need me to get Paul?”

“No, no… he’s not with you, is he?”

Alex sounded puzzled and concerned. “No, he’s not here. Monica, what’s up?”

“I… I wanted to talk to you.”

The agent quickly went into her office and shut the door. “Okay, I’m in my office now. Are you sure you’re all right? You sound like something’s wrong.”

Monica chewed on her lower lip until Alex repeated her name again, obviously concerned. “It’s about Andrew… well, it’s about me and Andrew.”

“Oh, honey, you didn’t have a fight did you?” Alex could only imagine how that would upset the little angel.

“Oh no! Nothing like that,” Monica replied, hardly able to imagine fighting with him.

“Well that’s good, but then what is it? You sound a little worried.”

A little sigh came through the phone and Alex gripped the phone a bit tighter. “He’s been so wonderful to me,” Monica breathed.

“Well of course he has. He loves you,” she said with a smile.

“And I love him… and I want to prove that to him…”

Somehow Alex just knew where this conversation was going. “Monica, you don’t need to prove anything to him. He knows how you feel about him.”

Monica didn’t seem to be listening. “I’m a little afraid, Alex. I thought… I thought maybe you could tell me what to do… what to do so it wouldn’t hurt…”

“Monica!” Alex’s stomach clenched, thinking about how the little angel’s one experience with intimacy was filling her with dread over what might happen in the future. She took a few breaths to keep her own heart under control. “Monica, if you’re scared you shouldn’t even be considering this. You are still healing. Please… believe me… Andrew doesn’t want this from you.”

The angel felt tears coming to her eyes. Maybe Andrew didn’t want it, but in her heart it still felt like something she had to do. “But Alex… I need to do this…”

Alex sighed. “All right. Monica… it shouldn’t hurt. It should never hurt. That’s not what it’s supposed to be about.”

“But before…”

“Don’t even think about that. That wasn’t the way it’s supposed to be, Monica. It’s not supposed to be anything like that. You’re supposed to be relaxed and enjoying yourself.”

Monica was shaking her head. She couldn’t believe that was true, even though she was also having a hard time believing that God would want it to hurt so badly. “So if I’m relaxed?”

Alex grit her teeth and closed her eyes. This conversation was not going at all the way she wanted it to. “Yes, but Monica, please, please, talk to Andrew about this.”

“I will, I’ll talk to him,” Monica said hesitantly, knowing that it was a lie. If she started talking to Andrew about it she knew he would deny that it was anything he wanted or needed, but that didn’t change the way she felt in her heart. They might only have a short time before they were separated by different assignments and she had to do this before that happened. Now she had two days to make herself able to go through with it.

*****

“I’m fine, Andrew, really,” Monica insisted with a smile, as she set down her nearly empty champagne glass.  She could tell he was worried.  At best she only ever had a few sips with dinner the times he had taken her out and even that small amount had made her feel slightly woozy.  But tonight, in order to follow through with her decision, she knew that much more than a few sips were in order. 

He had been so patient, never asking nor requiring more from her than kisses and to be able to hold her and the guilt she was feeling was overwhelming.  He had given so much of himself to her, even before they had admitted the love they held for each other.  He had seen her through her worst nightmare and had been there for her each day, in whatever way she had been able to permit.  He had soothed her through night terrors, made her to eat when she just didn’t feel able to do it, and held her when she had felt afraid.  Now that the rape was more or less behind her and their relationship had been driven to new heights, he continued to give of himself constantly, never asking for anything in return.  She owed him so much and the one thing she so wanted to give to him seemed so out of reach.

Every time the little angel thought about becoming intimate with Andrew, her heart would speed up in near panic.  She knew it would not be pleasant; it would be downright painful, but maybe if she could just force herself to get through it once, after that it would not seem quite so terrible.  She was hoping that the champagne would help with that, as well as do away with any flashbacks she could possibly have.

Andrew watched her carefully, trying to ignore the nagging feeling in his gut that something was wrong.  Monica was on her fourth glass of the bubbly alcohol and was beginning to show the signs of being a fairly intoxicated little angel. If the situation had not been so out of context, he would have been chuckling at her giggles and little jokes, but he had known her long enough to see beyond the surface.  Something was wrong.

She chattered away on the drive home, once he had finally convinced her that they should go.  She had finished the bottle and had looked as if she was considering another one, when he had suggested it was time for them to get back.  If she drank anymore she would get sloppy and Andrew knew she would be mortified in the morning were that to happen and he wasn’t about to risk that happening.

His heart sped up at the sudden thought that maybe she had changed her mind about them.  He knew that she still loved him, but perhaps she had decided that after that rape, this was just too difficult to continue.  The mere thought caused his heart to clench and as he pulled into the driveway, he reached for her hand, needing to ask one more time what was the matter and if he had done something.  But he had barely gotten her name from his lips, when she had unbuckled her seatbelt and moved closer to him. 

He felt her capture his face in her hands, and before he could even gather his thoughts, she was kissing him with a passion that made him feel as if his entire body were on fire.  Relief flooded through him and out as his hands wrapped around her to pull her closer as her kissed her hungrily, knowing he could never get enough of her sweet mouth.

When Monica finally pulled away, he was breathless as her lips moved up against him.

“Let’s go inside.”

His heart was pounding and they suddenly couldn’t get into the house quickly enough.  Two minutes later, they were in her room, door closed and locked and he had no sooner sat down on the bed that she was on her knees next to him, capturing him in a bruising kiss.  His hands were on either side of her head even as her own held his face tightly in their grasp as if not wanting to risk him getting away and as their tongues dueled, he found himself having great difficulty in thinking. 

There were alarms going off inside his mind, but at the same time, her sudden passion and urgency left him feeling powerless to seek any answers.  He barely acknowledged the fact that her trembling fingers had unbuttoned his shirt, until she was pushing him down on the bed, her body pressed up against him and he was nearly intoxicated himself by her closeness, her mouth…

Andrew’s eyes popped open as he took her gently by the shoulders and pushed her back ever so slightly as his heart began to pound even harder than it already was.  Her eyes were closed tightly as if she were trying to block something out, “Angel…”

“Take me, Andrew…please…” She whispered, but her words were trembling and filled with something akin to fear.

He stared at her for a moment, before slowly moving out from underneath of her and moving her so she was lying down on the bed.  She had never opened her eyes and her entire body was tensed as if it were anticipating something horrendous.  It broke his heart.

“Monica…”

“Please?  It’s all right…I want you…”

Her words were forced and he reached out to gently stroke her cheek, “No, baby.  Not like this.”

Her eyes opened as she looked at him, her expression one of confusion and almost hurt, “You don’t want me?”

His heart nearly stopped beating.  He was caught in the middle of something that was in her mind, and he knew he had to find the way out, for both of them, “That has nothing to do with this.  What is this all about, angel?  Why are you forcing yourself…” He almost couldn’t say the words.

Tears threatened and any effects she had been feeling from the alcohol seemed to have suddenly vanished, “I…I wanted to make you happy…”

Andrew’s breath caught in his throat as she started to turn away from him as her tears began to fall, but he stopped her and gathered her into his arms, guiding her head to his chest, “Angel, you do make me happy, every moment of every day.”

“You’ve done so much for me,” She whispered tearfully, “I just wanted to repay you for everything…”

“Monica,” He pulled away enough to look into her eyes, “The love we share doesn’t require any ‘repayment’.  You show me in a hundred different ways every day that you love me.  I could never want for anything more.”

“I…I don’t understand…you could have…I would have let you…” Her emotions were so tumultuous she couldn’t begin to understand them.  She hadn’t wanted to be with him tonight in that way, but she didn’t understand why he didn’t want to be with her.

Andrew saw the fear in her eyes; fear that her own feelings about herself had inspired and he moved to kiss her forehead gently, “If or when you and I ever make love, sweetheart, you will not be afraid.  Not like you were tonight.  To answer your question, yes, I want to show you how much I love you, but I am perfectly content to wait until you are ready and if that moment never comes, that is also perfectly all right with me,” He stroked her cheek lovingly, “I have all I’ll ever need right here, right now.”

Her tears fell freely as she looked into his eyes, “How can you love me so much?”

“Angel, it’s the easiest thing I’ve ever done in my entire existence.”

*****

When Monica awoke the next morning it was to the feeling of Andrew lazily stroking his fingers through her hair. She raised her head to look at him and then immediately laid it down again. The sunshine was far too bright and it felt like tiny little men were swinging sledgehammers inside her head. Her little groan made Andrew look down at her with a look of loving concern mixed with just the smallest amount of humor.

“Someone had a little bit too much to drink,” he said as he carefully slipped out from under her. He returned a minute later rattling a bottle of pills in one hand and carrying a glass of water in the other. “Here, sweetie. Take these,” he said as he propped her up against the pillows and tilted two aspirins into the palm of her hand.

She quickly swallowed them and he crawled back onto the bed. “I guess I did have a little bit too much,” she said quietly.

He let her rest for another half an hour until he was sure that the medication had started to work and then he hugged her tightly and whispered, “I think we need to talk about what happened last night.”

She shook her head. “I was stupid.”

A hand alongside her cheek stopped her movement, and she opened her eyes to see his clear green ones staring down at her. “No. You were not stupid. I just…” he took a breath. “I just want to know if I did something that made you think that I expected something more from you. I know that I sleep in here every night, and I can’t help kissing you every chance I get, but if you need me to stop… if you want us to slow down… We can do that, angel, and I won’t love you one bit less.”

She opened her eyes wider at his suggestion. “No! No, you haven’t done anything, and I love things the way they are,” she insisted.

“But something made you decide to force yourself into something you didn’t really want.”

A tiny shrug was her only reply.

“Monica, we’ve always been completely honest. What made you feel that way?”

There was silence for a few minutes but Andrew waited patiently until she spoke again. “God could call you away anytime now. He could even call me. And… and I don’t know if I’m ready for that,” she said tremulously, “and I didn’t want us to be separated without you knowing… without… without…” she broke off, but he could tell that she was still thinking and he gave her time. “Paul and Alex… they’re connected forever… and I know that we are too… I feel you in my heart all the time, but a part of me wanted to give you what they have… so that even when we’re apart, you’d still know how much I want to be with you,” she finished with another helpless shrug.

“Angel, I told you last night that I know how much you love me, and you never need to prove it to me, but let me repeat myself. I would never, in a thousand years, doubt your love for me, and I would never, in a thousand years forget how much I want to be with you, all the time.”

Monica closed her eyes and concentrated on the steady beating of Andrew’s heart. “See, I told you it was stupid.”

“If it’s something you were feeling then it wasn’t stupid,” he chastised her. “To tell you the truth, I’ve been dreading being assigned away from you too. When I think of you being out there on your own, with people who don’t know you the way I do… I want to be able to hold you close every day, and knowing that I may not always be able to makes my heart ache.”

She opened her eyes and raised herself up so that she could look at him. “I guess that this is when we have to trust that God will do what’s best for all of us,” she said softly.

“Yes, I guess it is. But Monica, don’t ever think for a single second that I don’t treasure and appreciate every moment you have given me. Because they are all stored right here,” he said as he tapped his heart, “and when we’re apart, replaying them in my head is what will keep me going until I see you again.”

Monica smiled and placed his hand over her own heart. “I’ve been keeping a collection myself,” she said, “and now I have one more memory to add to it.”

*****

Paul was still yawning as he dropped his bag inside the door. “I still don’t know why you insisted on taking the first flight out,” he said, holding the door open for his wife.

“I told you, it’s better to get a jump on the weekend,” she insisted, although that was only part of the reason. She was petrified at what might have happened following Monica and Andrew’s date. “God help Andrew if anything went wrong,” she thought as she looked at her husband.

“Okay, a jump, but five am? That’s more like a leap!”

“Oh, hush up, ya big baby. It’s almost nine now, thanks to traffic, so my plan worked perfectly.” She walked towards the kitchen, praying that she would find the two angels there. Well, one out of two wasn’t bad. “Good morning, Andrew,” she greeted him as he passed her a cup of coffee.

“Morning you two. Heard you driving in.”

He looked fine, not worried, but not particularly glowing either. So far, so good. “Where’s Monica?”

“She’s still in bed. She had a bit of a headache this morning.”

Oh no. Not good. Alex tried to keep her own worry under control. “Well I’ll just peek in and say hello,” she said, hoping that she didn’t sound as frantic as she felt.

She hurried down the hall and barely knocked before entering the bedroom. Monica was lying in bed, but she rolled over and opened her eyes as the agent came through the door.

“Alex, you’re here early,” she said with a smile.

The woman quickly sat down on the edge of the bed and grabbed onto Monica’s hand. “We came on the earliest flight they had. I could hardly sleep. Are you all right? What happened? Did you…” she was dreading the answer to her last unasked question.

Monica lowered her eyes, which did nothing for Alex’s pounding heart. “I tried, but things… he knew it wasn’t right. Nothing happened.”

Alex let out a long sigh of relief. “Well thank God! And I really mean that,” she said as she glanced upwards. “Monica, when you’re ready… when it’s time… you’ll just know it. There won’t be any ‘trying’ involved. It will just happen.”

“I think I know that now,” Monica replied. “I guess I should have listened to you to begin with.”

“Well that goes without saying,” Alex said with a wink, “but lesson learned. Now you’ll know.” She leaned forward and pulled the angel into a tight hug. “I love you, Monica. I know that Paul plays big brother, but you really do feel like my sister. I want nothing but happiness for you.”

Monica pulled back. “Well at least I don’t think you’ll try to break Andrew’s hand if he touches me,” she said with a crooked grin.

Alex laughed. “No, not likely, but you never know. Remember, I’m the one who taught you how to kick a guy where it counts!”

The angel laughed softly, before her expression grew more serious, “Not that I’m planning on anything…I’d just like to know…you said if I relaxed…how can I do that?”

Alex reached for her hands and held them in her own tightly, “Listen to me and listen good, okay?  When that time comes, you won’t even have to think about anything like that.  I know you might not believe this now, but I reserve the right to say ‘I told you so’ one day, but when you are with someone you love and who loves you too, the experience is wonderful.”

“I don’t see how…it hurt so much…” She was already shaking her head.

“Monica, what happened to you was about someone wanting to have power over you and hurt you, so of course it hurt.  Making love…it never hurts and it never leaves bruises…well, unless you are into that kind of thing,” She teased, but seeing the confused look on the angel’s face, she rolled her eyes at her own remark, “Never mind that last part.  The important thing to know is if this ever happens between you two, it is about so much more than your body. It is about your heart and your soul and your mind, and trusting that person you are with.  It has nothing to do with fear or pain.  I promise you that.”

Monica gave a little nod, storing up that bit of information with what she already knew, “I’m glad I have you to talk to, Alex.”

“And you can talk to me at any time about anything,” The agent assured her gently before grinning, “And with this subject, I am the much better choice between me and Paul.” She teased and was relieved when the little angel laughed.

*****

“You seem a little distracted this morning,” Paul remarked, watching Andrew carefully as he poured himself another cup of coffee, “Nothing happened while we were away, did it?”

The angel looked up a bit startled and grinned, “No, Paul.  Everything is fine,” He replied adding a ‘for the most part’ in his mind.  He was still troubled over the assumptions Monica had been making and it told him one thing.  She was still doubting things.  Still doubting, at least in some small way that she deserved unconditional love.  He still had things to prove to her.

“That’s good to know.  I almost had a suspicion that Alex knew something was wrong.  She didn’t get much sleep last night and being the morning person that she is NOT, a five am flight was a bit out of character.”

Andrew looked surprised at the agent’s words, wondering for the first time if Monica had spoken to her and managed to plant some fear in the agent that had caused Alex to come racing back here this morning.  He supposed he should feel relieved that the little angel had talked to someone about what she had been considering; he only wished it had been him, “Things seem good between you and Alex, Paul.  I’m happy for you.”

“What are you talking about ‘good’?  Things are great!” Paul grinned as he sat down at the table across from Andrew, “I thought things were perfect before we ever got married and then once that happened…well, things just got better.”

“How did that change things?” Andrew inquired, his curiosity piqued as he took another sip of his coffee.

“Well, when you make that promise in front of God and a handful of angels, fucking up the relationship isn’t an option,” He laughed with a shake of his head, “But seriously buddy, making that promise between us…we both knew that the other one was in this for the long haul, no matter what.  We were always going to be there for each other.  I think we both felt that way anyhow, but saying those words in a church…well, it just made it all the more true.”

Andrew nodded his head as he swirled the coffee around in his cup thoughtfully for a moment before looking up, “If Monica gets up, tell her I’ll be back in bit.  I think there is something I need to do.”

Paul watched him a bit waringly, “She isn’t feeling well?  Is she sick?”

“She had a bit too much champagne this last night and is having her first and probably last hangover,” He grinned slightly, “Just a bad headache and I think she is starting to feel a little better.”

The agent nodded his head as he watched Andrew walk out the back door, wondering what he was up to, but he dismissed it from his mind for the moment.  There was still a little angel he wanted to say hello to.

*****
Andrew wandered the woods for a long time, trying to summon up the courage to talk to God.  He still felt a little uneasy about the things that were happening between he and Monica, only because it was something he had never been able to imagine being permitted to happen.  But he reminded himself that the Father had blessed him with the things he had needed in order to date her, so maybe his next question wouldn’t be completely dismissed.  Not that God ever dismissed him, but now that he was feeling bold enough to ask, he didn’t want the gentle let down of “no”.

He came to a little clearing in the woods and looked around him.  Everything was now completely in bloom and the fragrant smell of new life still hung in the air, soothing his soul and the things that were weighing so heavily on his heart.  The near disaster of last night still troubled him, despite the talk he and Monica had earlier and at times he wondered if the side effects of the rape would ever really go away.  He hated that she still doubted her worth, so much so, that she felt it necessary to give something she didn’t want because she was afraid and what she might be afraid of made his stomach churn.  That he would leave her?  That he would change his mind?  He had never been more certain of anything in his entire existence than he was of his love for her.  The thought that she felt like she owed it to him was enough to make him take her into his arms and never let her go again.

He closed his eyes and offered up his voice, hoping he could find the words he wanted to say.  He knew that God already knew what he was about to ask, but he felt like he needed to speak it aloud just the same, “Father, she’s still hurting.  It may be deep inside, so deep maybe that she doesn’t even fully realize it, but I don’t want her doubting how I feel about her.  I know she still doesn’t feel pure, but I could love her purely for the rest of my existence and never want for anything more.  You know her struggles, and the things she still hides, even from me and maybe I can’t do anything about those things.  Maybe only time and You can remedy them, but I think if You will allow it, I can make her feel not so afraid about us,” He felt God’s love shining down on him, giving him the courage to continue, “I wanted to be with her and to be able to tell her that I loved her and You found a way for that to happen.  Thank you.  I know how much You love her as well and how You have hurt with her through all of this.  But by Your grace, she has gotten better and for that I am so grateful.”

He took a few more steps, his palms suddenly feeling sweaty and he shook his head at his sudden nervousness, “You know how I feel about her, Father.  I love her…I love her so much and I only want to make her as happy as she makes me.  I know…I suppose this is highly irregular, but…” He drew in a deep breath, trying to stop his voice from shaking, “I want to marry her and I don’t know what that entails as angels, but I want to make that promise to her, before You, before our friends.  I promise You that I will take such good care of this gift…I want to give her all that I am and ever will be.  I want her to know that this is forever and that I am never going to change my mind, just like we know that You will never change Your mind about loving us.  She already has my promise, Father, now I want her to have it before You and with Your blessing.”

His heart was pounding rapidly and as he lowered his head, he offered up prayer after prayer in the moments that followed, never wanting something more.  A fraction of a second later, the love that filled him caused him to fall to his knees as he closed his eyes he allowed it to flow through him and over him.  Even when the intensity of the feeling subsided, the feeling of God’s great and unconditional love still continued to radiate in his heart, bringing tears to his eyes.

Opening his eyes, he realized something was in his hand that he hadn’t even noticed being placed there and he raised the small box to where he could see it.  His fingers trembled as he opened it and he had to blink to be able to see it clearly.  The heart shaped diamond was intricate and delicate…and perfect.  It was set in gold and Andrew knew it would fit on one small hand just as perfectly.  He whispered up heartfelt thanks as he continued to feel God’s love washing over Him.

He had given His blessing.