CHAPTER 4

It was her favorite kind of sandwich, Tess’ homemade chicken salad with fresh lettuce and tomatoes on wheat toast, but the little angel stared at it with something akin to fear. She glanced up and saw Andrew watching her, his expression supportive, and she tried to force down her nausea.

She was wearing a pair of Alex’s jeans, with a belt cinched around the waist and the cuffs rolled up four times. The shirt was red flannel and her fingertips just peeked out through the cuffs. Tentatively she stretched them out to take half the sandwich and bring it to her mouth.

Ten minutes later she let out a long breath and looked down at her plate with tears in her eyes. She was only half done. Looking up she saw Andrew’s watchful eyes still on her. All he asked was that she eat and she couldn’t even manage that. Her hand trembled as she reached for the rest of her meal but it was quickly covered by a larger, stronger one.

“You don’t have to eat anymore, angel,” he said, his eyes sad but understanding.

“Thank you,” she whispered, letting her eyes drop to her lap.

“You did fine, Monica… you just need to take it slow,” he said reassuringly, but his words couldn’t stop her stomach from churning.

He lifted the tray from her legs and set it on the nightstand, then turned to face her, hoping that they could talk. He watched as the color suddenly drained from her face and she moved quickly to get off the bed. His hand caught her wrist and held it firmly.

“No, angel… I can’t let you do that.”

Her face felt like it was burning as her insides threatened to revolt. She was using all her strength not to throw up all over the bed. “Please, Andrew… Let me go…” she pleaded.

“I can’t. You have to try to hold it in… I know it’s hard but if I let you go you’re only going to start a cycle that will be that much harder to break later.” He felt like a complete monster but he knew he was speaking the truth.

Her expression was full of self-reproach and he longed to wipe it away. She leaned back against the pillows and closed her eyes, letting tears of frustration slip from beneath her lashes. He could see the effort it was taking, the way her breath hitched, and the way she pressed one hand to her stomach, fingers clenched like claws against her shirt. She was suffering and he was making it worse. He wanted the floor to open up and claim him and yet he couldn’t look away.

She turned her head towards him slowly and opened her eyes. He fully expected her to tell him to leave, and so the words she actually spoke made his throat tighten and he had to clench his jaw to keep his own breathing steady.

“I can’t do this alone,” she whispered. “Please… could you hold me? Talk to me about something else?”

He had her hand in his a moment later and held it tightly. “Anything, you want Monica. I’ve just been waiting for you to ask,” he said, voice thick with emotion.

She moved over slightly and he slowly eased himself onto the bed, not wanting to do anything to scare her into a retreat. Looking into his eyes she was able to see how hard he was trying, how much he wanted to fix everything… how much he loved her. She cautiously moved closer and then lay her head on his chest and breathed out a sob as he gently wrapped his arms around her. Her stomach was still twisted in knots and she had to keep swallowing to keep it in check, but then he started to speak, and his voice was like a soothing lullaby.

“Remember the last time we were at Home and you got to spend time with Faith and her mother?” he started, and then just kept talking, retelling all of their happiest memories, and reminding her of all the joy and peace she had brought to others.

As he spoke she gradually felt the tension leave her body. Her stomach settled, and her heart slowed back to a normal rhythm as she listened to his beating beneath her ear. Half the time she couldn’t concentrate on what he was saying, but just the sound of his voice was enough. She felt her eyes drifting closed and her breathing becoming smooth and even as sleep beckoned and she welcomed it.

Then, with a start that even Andrew could feel, her eyes were wide open and her heart was pounding in her chest. His arms were suddenly too heavy around her and yet she was too ashamed to move away. Her breath caught in her throat and she was sure she was suffocating but she still struggled not to make a sound.

The very instant that her panic struck Andrew felt it deep in his heart. At first he didn’t know what to do, but when he looked down into her face and saw the fearful memories written there he instantly released her and moved out from under. She rolled away and curled into a ball and he felt his heart tearing.

“I’m sorry,” he had to strain to hear her words.

He was off the bed a second later and had moved to kneel on the other side of it so that she could see his face… so that she could see the truth in his eyes.

“You don’t have to be sorry for anything,” he said firmly. “Whatever you need, Monica. That’s what I promised you. Please don’t think you have to do anything to please me.” He waited until she nodded slowly before taking a breath and asking, “Can you tell me what scared you? Did I do something?” Just the thought that something he had done had caused such a reaction was enough to make his heart clench, but he had to know.

“It wasn’t you,” she insisted. “I just… when I started to fall asleep… I remembered him holding me down…” her voice trailed off to nothingness. She felt like her heart was breaking. The one thing that had always, without fail, made her feel safe and loved was lying in Andrew’s arms, and now even that comfort had been stolen by a drunken man in a dank, trash-filled alley.

Andrew had to fight to keep his emotions in check. His strong hands were balled into fists and he had no doubt that if her attacker was present he would only remain alive for as long as it took him to snap his neck.

“It’s not your fault… it’s not. What you’re feeling is horrible, but it’s normal, angel.” She shook her head as tears pooled in her eyes, but he carefully touched her cheek with the backs of his knuckles and stopped her from saying anything. “It will get better, Monica. I promise it will get better.”

She looked up at him with a shadow of hope in her dark eyes and said nothing.

“You should sleep,” he continued, dragging the blanket from the foot of her bed and covering her. “I’ll be right down the hall.” He didn’t want to leave, but if his presence kept her from being comfortable then he wasn’t about to stay.

“Please, don’t go,” she whispered as he stood up.

“Monica…”

“I’ll be able to sleep if you sit with me,” she insisted. “I need you close to me… you’re the only one who can chase away the dreams.”

Andrew swallowed hard, but he moved to get the chair from the corner, and dragged it beside the bed. She looked at him gratefully and then closed her eyes as he sat down.

“Just the other day I was thinking that we should go back to that little cabin where you learned to jump off the dock…”

*****

By the middle of the night, sleep was out of the question.  No matter how hard she tried, Monica was unable to close her eyes for more than a few minutes.  She had remained in her room the rest of the day, pleading to refuse dinner, certain she would never be able to contain any more food than the half a sandwhich she had eaten at lunch.  Whether she ate or not, her stomach was in a constant state of upheaval, her nerves completely frayed.  Andrew had been unable to resist her tearful pleading this time and had relented.

He had stayed with her all afternoon, but come the night, the little angel was simply unable to have anyone with her.  The mere thought of anyone looking at her through the darkness was more than she could bear and she had wanted to cry at the devestation in Andrew’s eyes and in her own heart when she had asked him to leave.  Her attacker had taken so much from her, more than anything physical.  He had placed a barrier between she and those she loved the most and no matter how hard she tried, she was unable to tear it down.

Now she tossed and turned in her bed, her eyes unable to close in the darkness that surrounded her and began to close in on her.  Her breathing came in short, panicked gasps, certain that at any moment, he would emerge through the darkness to take her once more. 

She had taken a pill two hours ago, but they didn’t seem to be working any longer.  The anxiety was welling up inside of her and threatening to overtake her, even while exhaustion battled against her fear.  She felt as if inside, she was constantly screaming, begging for someone to take away this pain that had engulfed her and had taken away all that she was or would ever become. 

Monica bolted up in bed, trying to calm her suddenly racing heart and to bring her breathing back under control.  Every time she was certain there could be no more tears inside of her, they would emerge once more, silently sliding down her face as her soul cried out for help that she wasn’t even sure existed.  She longed to go to Andrew, but knew she would only hurt him once more, so she remained, longing to sleep, longing to forget all that was resting so heavily on her heart.

She sniffled and tried to wipe away her tears as she reached for the glass of water on her nightstand and her hand brushed up against something, knocking it over with a tiny rattle.  The pills.  Andrew had left them on her nightstand and now her trembling hand sought them out.  Her heart was still pounding in her ears as she dumped a few of them in her hand, determined to sleep and to make it through this night.  One was no longer bringing her peace so there could be no harm in upping the dosage a little.  She threw them to the back of her throat and drank quickly to wash them down, praying that now her body would finally rest from the certain hell that was surrounding her.

Lying back down, she drew the blankets over her trembling body and forced herself to close her eyes.  She tried to focus on the different happy memories that Andrew had reminded her of that afternoon, but each time she tried, she would hear the voice of the man who had stolen her existence as it had once been from her.  The tremors were back and her small body shook despite the layers of blankets that lay overtop of her as she prayed that morning would soon come.

But soon her eyelids grew heavy and she surrendered to the void.

*****

Paul ran a hand over his face as he made his way down the hallway towards his bed and Alex.  It was late and he was tired, but he had been on the phone with one of his contacts in Boston.  There were no leads and no other reports of rape and he was frustrated.  He was longing to do something, anything to help the little angel, even if that something was avenging her.  He didn’t know if it would make Monica feel any better, but it sure as hell would make him feel wonderful.

The house appeared silent, but before he could make it halfway down the hall, the sound of a terrible wretching coming from Monica’s room caused him to bolt to the door and fling it open.  He switched on the light and saw her.  She had managed to grab the trashcan near the bed before she had gotten sick and now her tiny body was heaving violently, “Monica!”  He hurried to her side, moving his hand to rub her back gently, knowing at the moment she was too sick to argue at his touch.  He reached over to grab the water glass beside of her bed and that was when he noticed the open bottle next to it.  His heart leapt to his throat as he saw the two remaining pills in the bottle, knowing that there had been several others as he and Andrew had the discussion earlier about how many more nights the prescription would last, before she would be left to fend for herself in trying to rest.

“Monica?” Andrew appeared in the doorway, his eyes widening at what was happening, “What happened?” He was by her side in an instant, resting a hand on her knee as she finally began to stop coughing.

“You left the fucking pills in here, that’s what happened!” Paul snapped, the fear he was feeling causing him to lash out at the angel, “Thank God her stomach couldn’t digest the handful she swallowed!”

Andrew’s head jerked up and a look of anguish crossed his own face as he turned back to the still trembling angel, “Monica, what were you thinking?”

Hearing the trace of anger in his voice that fear for her had put there, Monica looked up at him, the tears still streaming from her reddened eyes, “I didn’t-.”

“Why would you do this?” He demanded, taking the trashcan from her shaking hands in order to grab her forearms in his hands, refusing to release her.

She shook her head, her tired mind barely able to keep up with his rant, “Andrew, I-.”

“Honey, you know this is not the answer to anything,” Paul interjected sadly, “We know how badly you are hurting right now, but-.”

“Why?” Andrew’s heart was racing.  The fear of losing her completely had gripped at his heart and he was unable to calm it.  He had already lost enough of her in all of this.

His grip on her arms suddenly felt too tight and his demands were causing her to tremble once more as a sob escaped her.  She looked from the agent to her best friend, trying to speak as clearly as her wavering voice would allow, “I just wanted to sleep…I couldn’t and he…he was everywhere…I was so tired…I’m…so…tired…” She lowered her head as soft cries left her weary body.

Andrew closed his eyes, the guilt hitting him from every direction.  She’d had no idea of what she had been doing other than trying to find a few hours of peace that was just beyond her reach and here he had accused her of the unthinkable.  No, the unthinkable had already happened to her.  The rest of this nightmare was just the aftermath and he had just added to it.

“I’m so sorry, angel,” He whispered miserably as he slid his hands down to wrap up her own in them, “You scared me and I’m not sure what I was thinking.”

“I didn’t realize…I wasn’t thinking…” She never looked up at either of them, finally understanding what they had thought she had done.  Was she that far gone that they would expect something like that from her?  She was doing her very best to cope, but it just wasn’t enough, yet she didn’t know what else to do.  They were expecting terrible things from her, so how could she accept that she was ever going to be all right again?

Paul took a deep breath, the rush of panic slowly leaving his body. He grabbed the top to the pill bottle and twisted it on.

“You can’t just take as many of these as you want,” he said wearily. “If you can’t sleep, you need to let us know. Tomorrow we’ll call the hospital. Maybe the doctor can prescribe something a little stronger.”

He was ashamed of what he had thought, and feeling guilty both about what he had said to Andrew and the way the little angel was staring at her hands. It wasn’t bad enough she had been raped, now her two protectors had all but accused her of trying to kill herself.

She was shaking her head a little and she pulled back her hands to wrap them across her chest. “I wouldn’t do that,” she murmured, trying the keep the tremor from her voice. “I know what you all think of me, but I wouldn’t do that.”

The disgust in her tone was impossible to miss, and Andrew and Paul shared a grim look. They had their work cut out for them, but now was not the time to argue with her. They needed to calm her down and pray that she would at least sleep through part of the night.

“We were just scared, sweetheart,” Paul said, “and I was the one who started it. If I’d taken two seconds to think I never would have suggested that.”

She gave a small shrug, and wiped ineffectually at the tears that persisted in falling. Andrew tucked the hair behind her ear and gently touched her cheek. He had felt so close to her earlier, and this felt like a giant step backwards. Now she didn’t even think they trusted her, and he wasn’t sure what to say to make that right.

“Paul’s right. We jumped to conclusions. I’m sorry.” He bent his head to look into her sad eyes. “Forgive me?”

She involuntarily rubbed her arms where he had grabbed her, and the motion was like a kick in the stomach to the blond angel. He swallowed hard and reached out to touch the light red marks.

“I didn’t mean to do that, angel. I swear… I…” he didn’t know what to do to convince her and cast desperate eyes towards Paul.

Before the agent could speak, Monica whispered, “It’s all right… you were just scared…”

Andrew lowered his voice. “It’s not all right, but I was scared.” His heart was pounding but he continued on, “Right now I feel like I can’t do anything to help you… like I’m losing you a little bit at a time… But at least you’re still here. Monica…” he tilted her chin up so she could see his eyes, unconcerned with the fact that Paul was still there, watching everything. “If I ever lost you completely… my existence… my place… here or at Home… it wouldn’t mean a damn thing to me. You are a part of me, angel, and I swear I will help you through this. I will move Heaven and Earth if I have to, but I will find a way to make this right.”

A sob caught in her throat and she covered her face with her hands, but Andrew wouldn’t let her hide herself that way. He tenderly took her hands in his and then brushed her tears away and held her close. He was more grateful than he had ever been that she didn’t pull away. Paul stood up and laid a hand on top of Monica’s dark head.

“I’ll see you in the morning,” he said quietly, and then he looked at Andrew with an expression not unlike a protective big brother. It clearly had ‘you take care of her’ written all over it.

“I know you don’t want me to stay, Monica, but maybe I can just help you get back to sleep,” Andrew said once Paul was gone.

She nodded against his chest and then slowly pulled away and curled onto her side while he took his place in the chair beside the bed. This time he didn’t bother speaking, he just let his hand rest on the bed and felt his heart melt when the little angel took hold of it and held on tightly.

*****

When Monica opened her eyes she was surprised to see the sunshine pouring in her windows. She moved her head slightly and was again surprised… this time at how disappointed she was to see Andrew’s chair vacant. She wondered how long he had sat with her. It felt like she had drifted off soon after touching his hand.

She pushed herself up, stifling a little groan at how stiff she still was. A quick tear came to her eye but she blinked it away. She didn’t want to think about it. She didn’t want to remember. Knowing that Tess would probably be in soon with a four course breakfast, she tried to concentrate on how much she always loved the older angel’s cooking. Just the thought of food made her stomach lurch, but everyone was looking at her to get better. She couldn’t disappoint them more than they already were. A prickling in her heart was trying to tell her that they weren’t expecting anything more than she was ready to give, but it was difficult to hear above the much louder doubts that filled her mind.

A light knock on the door caused her to look up and pull the covers up to her chest. She was wearing a heavy flannel nightgown, but she still felt as if everyone could see right through it.

“Come in,” she called, when the door remained closed.

A second later it swung open and Alex backed in, dragging the television from the master bedroom.

“Good morning!” she said brightly. Throughout it all, Alex was the only one who always spoke to her just the same as she always had. It put Monica immediately at ease, and she even managed a small smile. “I thought you might like something to stare at besides the walls,” the woman said with a little smile.

She carefully rolled the stand into position, standing back for a second to make certain that it was at the perfect viewing angle for the little angel. Then she moved closer to it and pulled open the drawer that sat below the little vcr shelf. She brought her hands out full of videos.

“I have a nice selection here, for when you get tired of ‘Jerry Springer’, she said with a laugh. “Actually most of these are Paul’s,” she whispered. “I think he has the complete collection of Tracy/Hepburn pictures. Who knew he was such a romantic?” she raised one eyebrow as she grinned at Monica. “Of course he also has the boxed sets of Die Hard and Lethal Weapon, but, what are ya gonna do…” She pointed to one of the boxes. “It’s a Wonderful Life,” she said. “That one even has an angel in it.” She smiled when Monica leaned forward to pick it up, but then frowned at the way she flinched and clutched at her hip.

“Is that still bothering you?” she asked softly.

Monica nodded slightly but kept her eyes on the back of the video box.

“Honey, did you change the bandage? You have to take care of it.”

The angel said nothing. She wasn’t about to tell her that since that first horrible morning she had taken to undressing with her back to the mirror and slipping into her borrowed robe before she stepped back out of the shower.

“Okay,” Alex didn’t want to push the issue, “why don’t I leave you to pick something out, and I’ll go check on breakfast.”

She slipped out of the room intent on doing much more than that.  She had gotten up early to go outside to gather lilacs off one of the bushes, knowing how much Monica loved them.  She smiled at Tess as she entered the kitchen, but her smile faded at she realized that though the older angel had placed all the ingredients for a full breakfast on the counter, she seemed to just be staring at them with a sad expression on her face, “Tess?”

The older angel looked up and forced a smile, “Good morning, baby.”

“What’s the matter?” Alex reached over and laid a hand on Tess’ arm as her eyes glimmered with concern.

She gave a little shrug, “I guess I’m just not sure of why I’m bothering, she isn’t going to eat any of it.”

Alex could never remember another time when she had seen tears in the angel’s eyes and the sight of them now broke her heart, “Tess, you’re bothering because you love her and because you feel helpless to do anything else for her right now.  We all feel that way.”

“I’ve never seen that little Angel Girl so broken, Alex,” She whispered, wiping at her eyes, “And Andrew and I have always been able to help her put the pieces back together, but this time…”

“This time is so much harder, Tess and it’s going to take time.  The steps need to be small and at her speed,” She moved to hug the angel quickly but tightly, “So, as we are starting out small, how about fixing her some toast and though I don’t know how it will make her stomach feel, maybe a little coffee as she loves it so much?”

As the agent pulled away, Tess smiled and nodded her head, “You’re right, baby.  Maybe big and intimidating isn’t always the way to go,” She chuckled, knowing that was usually the way she chose to go about most things as Alex laughed with her.  It was a rare sound of late, to hear anyone laughing but they both welcomed the release.  As Tess began putting away the eggs, bacon and sausage, she glanced over the woman and watched as she arranged lilacs in a large vase, “They’re Monica’s favorite.”

“I know,” Alex replied with a smile, before she picked up the vase and headed back down the hall.  Setting the vase down on the hall table, she slipped into the bathroom, grabbing some gauze, tape and anti-biotic ointment, before she retrieved the flowers and walked back into the angel’s bedroom.

She noticed the Monica hadn’t chosen something to watch, but was still staring at the back cover of the same one she had been looking at before.  Alex knew her thoughts were miles away, but she set the vase of flowers down on the nightstand, watching as Monica finally looked up and managed a tiny smile.

“They’re beautiful, Alex,” She whispered, feeling the sting of tears in her eyes.  They were all trying so hard to please her and make her feel better and she wished that they had no need to even try.

“I know how much you love them,” She replied simply as she turned to her friend, her expression becoming more serious, “Monica, I’d like to take a look at that hip, if that would be all right.”  She watched sadly as the little angel tensed and looked at her fearfully, “I don’t want it getting any worse, honey, and it is obviously hurting you.  Let me help.”

Still struggling to hold back tears, Monica nodded her head numbly, moving stiffly to lie on her side as her fingers curled tightly around the blanket.

Alex eased up Monica’s nightgown and carefully removed the dressing that was on her hip, steeling herself against the anger she suddenly felt at the sight of the cut and the deep bruising around it.  Her expert eyes swept over the wound.  It was a clean cut and she had a feeling the bastard had held a knife on the angel, while the bruising indicated the fact that he had grabbed her there and she knew without doubt that there were matching bruises on Monica’s other hip.  She pressed her lips together tightly, noticing how her friend was trembling slightly, and managed to swallow back her anger, in order to allow the cheerfulness back into her voice, “Andrew and Paul went into town for a bit.  Men shopping, can you imagine?”

****

“These are a little stronger than I would have liked,” Paul commented, glancing at the prescription he and Andrew had just picked up from the pharmacy.  The doctor at the local hospital had been kind enough to call them in, but Paul now wished he had argued over at least the dosage.  He put the bottle back in the bag as they continued to walk down the sidewalk in the direction of the car, “I’m sorry about last night.  Everything was entirely my fault and I never should have said that to you.  She just scared the hell out of me and I jumped in with my assumptions with both feet as usual,” He grinned reproachfully, “I’m a little surprised I could get them out of my mouth that long.”

Andrew smiled slightly, “It’s all right, Paul.  My reaction wasn’t much better, but I don’t know what to expect from her anymore.  One minute, I’m permitted to hold her and the next minute she can’t get far enough away from me, “He sighed softly and shook his head, “It isn’t her fault.  She’s trying so hard…”

“Too hard if you ask me,” The agent retorted, at times still unable to fathom what Monica had gone through, “I’m going to be sorely disappointed if this son of a bitch isn’t caught and even more so if I can’t assure him a slow and painful death.”

Andrew had stopped walking and was staring into the window of one of the shops.  He stuffed his hands into his pockets and lowered his eyes, “I need to know who he is, Paul.  I don’t know why, but I do.”  He felt a wave of emotion wash over him, “It shouldn’t matter.  All that should matter is that she recover and I want that more than anytime, but at the same time, knowing the bastard who did this is something I need to know.”

Paul’s eyes widened slightly.  He had never before heard the angel use the word “bastard” and it sounded slightly out of place, but then, he had been able to see the fury that Andrew was barely keeping in check.  It was just below the surface and though he had seen the angel furious before at McArthur, at David, this felt incredibly different, “Why do I get the feeling that there is more to this than you are letting me in on, buddy?”

Andrew turned to look at his friend, wishing he knew exactly how to respond.  His own feelings were completely confusing and he had been trying to simply keep them in the back of his mind, “It’s nothing.”

“Don’t give me that shit, Andrew.  I know you are pissed as hell at this man and so am I, but this has inspired something deeper in you, that much I can tell!”

Paul was looking at him with a demanding expression on his face, but Andrew simply shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t know why you would say that.”

“Because she has been hurt before, and in ways that you can much better imagine.  David beat the crap out of her and angel or no, you are a man, so you know the physical pain that caused her.  But this…try as we might, we can’t completely relate to how terrible she feels and how much pain she has been caused.  Yes, rape is a physical act, but it is also an emotional one.  He took something from her that she was unable to stop and-.”

“That’s right!” Andrew snapped suddenly, his brooding eyes moving to Paul’s face, “He took something precious in a violent way; in the cruelest of ways!  She didn’t mean a damn thing to him, and neither did what he stole from her,” He pointed a shaking finger at his own chest, “I love her more than anything…I love her and would never dream of taking it from her, but if I had, if I could, it would have been in a way that innocent and beautiful angel is deserving of!  That’s what pisses me off, Paul!  I’m so fucking angry I can’t even see straight!”

Paul rarely found himself speechless, but this was one of those times as his thoughts struggled to catch up to Andrew’s.  The next words that came out of his mouth surprised them both, “You don’t just love her.  You’re in love with her,” His tone was incredulous and he shook his head slightly, still trying to get over the shock he was feeling.

Andrew’s shoulders slumped as he turned his attention back to the window, “Angels don’t feel that way, Paul, you know that.  I’ve always treasured what she and I have together and it is more than enough, but now that son of a bitch has basically ripped her from me emotionally,” He let out a breath he had been holding in forever, knowing he couldn’t dwell here much longer, “I want to go in here,” He nodded his head towards the woman’s boutique he had been staring into.  Alex’s clothing was swallowing Monica, and the fleece track suits looked soft and more importantly, warm.