CHAPTER 5

When Andrew and Paul got back to the farm the angel had to make a second trip to the car to get all of the bags. He had bought the fleece outfit from the window, in pale blue with a grey band at the cuffs and waist. However, that had only been where his purchases began. He had also bought jeans, baggy but in her size, and several soft shirts, and three comfortable cotton sweaters. Paul was almost laughing as he watched the angel carrying all the bags down to Monica’s room.

“Monica?” Andrew said her name quietly in case she was asleep, but as he nudged the door open he saw her sitting up in bed.

She was watching the television, an old black and white movie, although her eyes seemed to be seeing something beyond the screen. She looked up as soon as he entered and her eyes grew more alert as he started piling the bags on her bed.

“What’s all this?”

“I decided you could use a few things,” he answered as he started pulling things out and handing them to her for her inspection. “Not that Alex’s clothes look bad on you, but these might fit a little better.” He grinned but when he looked up she was crossing her arms self-consciously and he wondered when he would ever find a way to talk to her without causing her pain. “Anyway,” he continued, slightly deflated, “I think I got all your favorite colors. You can tell me if you don’t like anything.”

He looked at her out of the corner of his eye and watched her pull the fleece shirt into her lap. “You didn’t have to do this.”

“I wanted to do it.”

He left her alone then, and when he came back she had changed into the fleece outfit. Her auburn hair tumbling softly over her shoulders along with the soft material made him want to just take her into his arms and never let her go, but he knew that was now forbidden. He couldn’t even tell her how beautiful she looked without fear of making her uncomfortable.

Alex’s suggestion to Tess about the food had worked like a charm. With less food in front of her it seemed much less daunting, and she was actually able to eat a half sandwich and soup for lunch without feeling completely sick afterwards. Dinner was slightly more difficult but she managed to eat most of it although the effort exhausted her.

When Paul visited her room near bedtime he had her pills in his hand, and he shot a still apologetic look at Andrew as he offered them to her. Paul and Andrew both looked at her in surprise when she shook her head and refused to take them.

“Monica, it’s all right. You need them,” Paul said, moving his hand closer.

“I shouldn’t need them,” she whispered lowly.

“But you do, and that is perfectly fine. I’m sorry about last night. I completely overreacted. Please… don’t suffer because of what I said.”

The little angel looked up at him, and then over at Andrew, who was watching her with tender and loving eyes. She sucked in a breath and reached out to take the pills.

“It won’t be forever,” Paul insisted, and she nodded jerkily as she finished swallowing them down.

As with the previous night, Andrew convinced her to let him stay, just until she fell asleep. Her eyes when she agreed were filled with sadness, but he could tell that it wasn’t because she didn’t want him there; it was because she was still ashamed that she couldn’t allow him to hold her. He couldn’t tell her how much it hurt him as well, but as her eyes drifted shut he allowed himself to gently squeeze her hand. His mind was suddenly drawn back to his earlier blow up with Paul, and as he stared at her still face he tried to put his feelings in order. She needed him so badly, and he wasn’t going to let anything, particularly his own emotions, get in the way of helping her.

 *****

 The rest of the week continued much along the same lines. Monica continued to stay in her room most of the time, and when she did venture out Andrew was sad to see that she insisted on having one of Alex’s baggy shirts over whatever else she happened to be wearing. She continued to let Andrew stay with her as she fell asleep, and when night terrors took hold of her she even let him hold her until she felt close to drifting off again.

Andrew was ashamed of the fact that he actually welcomed those times. They had become the only chance he had to feel her in his arms and try to convey to her just how much she meant to him. Over the course of the week he had had ample opportunity to watch her sleep and during those times his thoughts had always drifted to his feelings for her. Although he had promised himself that they wouldn’t interfere and he did his best to ignore them, the truth was that they refused to remain hidden.

Paul’s exclamation about him being in love had made him question everything. What had always been the closest and most loving relationship he had ever known was now cast in a new light and he was almost afraid to look at it too closely. When had his feelings changed? Had it been the first time he felt jealous of Paul? Had it been the fear of losing her after David had shot her and the sure knowledge that he would gladly have killed the man responsible? He wasn’t even sure what these new feelings entailed. He didn’t dare dwell on them for that long. He just knew that if he had loved her before, that feeling had increased ten-fold now.

He was thinking about all of those things as he made his way out of the kitchen carrying her lunch tray. She had been eating much more as the days progressed and it was one of the few things he was grateful for. He turned to walk down the hall to her room but stopped when he heard Alex and Paul arguing in the study. They both looked up and stopped talking the moment that he entered and he glanced from one to the other.

“Which one of you wants to tell me what’s going on?” he asked.

Alex crossed her arms in front of her chest and stared at Paul, one eyebrow raised in challenge. Paul accepted defeat and turned to face his friend.

“I just got off the phone with the authorities in Boston.”

“They caught him? He’s in jail?”

Paul shook his head. “No. They haven’t even gotten the results back on the semen samples they took from Monica.”

“What? It was a week ago! What are they waiting for?”

“There haven’t been any other reported rapes, Andrew,” Alex tried to explain gently. “For them this is just… well… it’s just a random act of violence. Without anything else to go on they just don’t have the same sense of urgency that we do.”

“What do you mean ‘sense of urgency’?” he exclaimed. “They have a rapist running around free and they don’t have a sense of urgency?”

“It’s not just that, Andrew. Monica never really talked to them. She didn’t give them a description or any of the details. If they had something more to go on, then they might be able to rush the labs, but as it stands, even if they get a match from the sex offenders registry they still won’t be able to prosecute.”

The angel let out a breath and looked at them both bitterly. “So what are you saying? They’ll never catch him?”

“No,” Alex said slowly, “we’re not saying that, but the longer it goes… She needs to talk to us. We need something more to give them.” She took a deep breath of her own. “I’m going to try to talk to her after lunch.”

“No.” The word was a flat and firm refusal. He couldn’t imagine that Monica was ready to talk about what had happened.

“We all knew she was going to have to open up eventually, buddy.”

And suddenly the fact that she might not be ready was almost overshadowed by the fact that Andrew couldn’t imagine any one else hearing about what had happened to her. He didn’t want even Alex to know. It was too intimate, too private, and too personal. He didn’t want anyone to hear it but him.

“If she has to tell someone then I’ll talk to her.”

“Andrew…” Alex looked worried and Paul’s face hardened.

He knew exactly how much Monica meant to the angel and he knew that hearing the details of her rape wasn’t going to do either of them any good.

“She’ll talk to me,” he insisted.

Alex forced down her own anxiety. “Are you sure this is something you’re ready for?”

“There’s nothing she can tell me that I haven’t already imagined,” he said, but truthfully he wasn’t sure at all.

*****

“It’s beautiful outside, Monica, and I know that Scout would love to see you,” Andrew coaxed. He had already decided that if he was going to get her to talk it was going to have to be outside. Her bedroom had to be feeling like a prison by now, and the fresh air would relax her.

She looked at him, her dark eyes filled with worry. “I don’t know…”

“You trust me don’t you?” he hated playing that card, but he knew she wouldn’t refuse.

“Of course I do,” she said quietly.

“Then trust me to take care of you. We’ll have a nice little walk and a visit down there.”

Monica pursed her lips for a moment but then nodded her head. “All right. I would like to see Scout… it’s been a long while.”

“And I know he’ll be thrilled to see you,” Andrew said with a grin.

The little angel slid off the bed and grabbed the plaid shirt that was slung over the back of the chair, hastily putting it on as she walked to the door.

“It’s very warm out,” Andrew offered gently, but she gave a little shrug and looked away.

“I… I know… but I might get cold…”

He quickly sought to reassure her that whatever she was feeling was all right. “I suppose you might,” he said and then took her hand in his as he led her down the hall.

He felt a tremor pass through her body as she first stepped outside, and for a second he reconsidered the wisdom of taking her out of her comfort zone, but then as they walked she seemed to relax. It lightened his heart to see her watching the birds swooping over the fields and turning her head to follow the scent of lilacs to their source. It was a definite change from the way she stared, unseeing, at the television in her room.

They reached the barn and Monica tentatively released Andrew’s hand from the deathgrip she had kept on it, and walked slowly to Scout’s stall.

“Hello, big boy,” she said, a little smile emerging as he nuzzled her gently.

Andrew was content to stand back and watch them. So content that he regretted what he had to do, but it was necessary. They needed to catch this man, and he needed to know. After several minutes had passed and Monica had spent time with all of the horses, he finally placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and led her to the bales of hay that acted as seating. Monica seemed to sense what was coming and he felt her tense beneath his hand.
  Andrew’s eyes met hers, knowing how hard this was going to be; both for her to say and for him to hear, “Angel, it’s time.  I need for you to tell me about that night.”

 She shrank back immediately, frightened eyes looking up at him as she shook her head hard.  She couldn’t do it.  She couldn’t tell him about the things he had said to her.  The things he had done.

 “I know it’s hard, Monica,” Gently he reached for her hand, but she jerked it away, “But I’m not leaving till you do.”

 She was starting to tremble as she shook her head once more.  What happened was in her heart and that is where she planned to keep it.  She didn’t want to talk to anyone about it, least of all Andrew.  His image of her had changed enough.  How could she share something so filthy and humiliating in detail? “Why?” Her voice wavered as her dark eyes pleaded with him.

 “I have to know, Monica.  Paul needs to know so he can try to find him-.”

 “Then I’ll tell Paul!” Monica cried out before she had realized just how upset she was becoming, “But I’m not telling you!  I can’t!”

 “Why?” She had started to turn away and he grabbed her wrist to stop her, hating himself when she flinched, “Why can’t you tell me?  You’ve always been able to tell me everything.  What has changed?”

“I can’t tell you this!  I don’t even understand why you want me to, Andrew,” She tried to jerk away from his grasp, but he held fast, “Fine!  If I have to tell someone because it is so important he be caught, then I’ll tell Paul!” His expression was stern and stubborn and she felt unwanted tears welling up in her eyes.

“I want to hear it from you,” He felt like a complete bully, but he had to know what had transpired, what had taken her so far away from him, he wasn’t sure if he would ever get her back.

 “Why?” She cried out once more, “Why would you want to know about this?  It’s bad enough that I know it, that I lived it, but to share it with you?  I can’t do that, Andrew.  You’re asking something of me, I can’t do!  Why is it so important?”

“Because I need to know what he did to you!”

 “You know what he did to me!” Her voice had risen in volume and desperation and a sob escaped her throat, “Please, let me go!”

 “I need to know what he said. I need to know if you knew who he was; if you were talking to him first!  I need to know if you fought him!  I need to know, Monica!  God forgive me, I don’t want to know but it is something I need!” He stopped, seeing a look of complete anguish on her face that he didn’t fully understand.

 She was staring at him in disbelief and the hurt in her eyes was physically painful, “You don’t think I fought?” Her voice was but a whisper as she looked at him as if she didn’t even know him.

 His heart was pounding in his throat.  Had he said that?  He knew it had been in the darkest recesses of his heart, but he had never meant to verbalize it.  He suddenly felt like a lower piece of life than the man who had hurt her, “I don’t know, Monica.  You haven’t told me anything.”

 All the pain and shame boiled down to this moment in time, “What exactly do you think of me?” The tears were now flowing freely down her face, “Do you think I would just lie there and take it?  Is that what you think?”

“No, angel, no,” He was the one pleading now as he silently cursed himself, “I didn’t mean it like that-.”

 “You did or you never would have said it!” She hurled the words at him as she finally wretched her hand away from him, “You want to know what happened?  You want all the grizzly details so that you can assure yourself I did all I could and that it wasn’t really my fault?  Fine!  What is it you want to hear exactly, Andrew?  You want to hear about how he grabbed me out of nowhere and dragged me into some dark corner where he threw me down on the ground?  I tried to get away from him, I tried to scream, but the knife he was holding to my throat kept me from doing that!  Is that what you want to know?” Her feeling that he had just betrayed her fueled her anger; at him, at the man who had done this, at herself, and the words would suddenly not be silenced, “You want to know about the things he called me?  Bitch, cunt, slut, pick one!  He used them all! I tried again to get away from him and that was when he hit me so hard, I couldn’t even see for a moment…and then…then his hands were all over me…”

Tears were welling up in Andrew’s eyes as she faltered and angry sobs escaped her.  This wasn’t what he had wanted, for either of them.  When he had imagined her finally releasing what she held in her heart, he had wanted her safely tucked into his arms.  He had wanted her to feel secure and instead she was feeling betrayed.  This man had raped her body, but he was the one who had just raped her heart, “Angel, please…don’t do this…”

Her head shot back up as she struggled to speak through the sobs that were overtaking her small frame, “No!  You wanted to know, so what other details do you want?  Would you like me to tell you how he then used the knife and brought it to my chest?  I thought he was going to plunge it into my heart and I wish with everything in me that he had!  It would have been better than what happened after that!  He cut my clothes away from me and he kept grabbing at me!  It hurt…it hurt so badly and everything in me was screaming, but there was no one to hear it!  I was begging him to stop, but then he told me he wanted me to beg for it!”

 He looked away, feeling a tear escape his eye and it was all he could do to keep listening to her words.  She was tearing at his heart as she had never done before and hers was broken and he was the bastard who had done it.

 “Then his hand was much lower and his fingers were inside of me and I kicked him as hard as I could!  He brought the knife to my face, like he was going to cut me…he had hold of my chin so tightly I thought he would break it and he told me I had asked for this because I was out on the streets in the middle of the night.  I wasn’t looking to be raped, Andrew, I was looking for you!” She was screaming now, the visions in her mind emerging from her lips and she was unable to stop them even if she wanted to.  But she didn’t want to.  She wanted him to know that she wasn’t what he had thought.  Monica closed her eyes, her throat so tight she didn’t think she would be able to continue, but somehow she forced the words from her mouth, “Then he was inside of me…the pain was unbearable and all I wanted was you…I wanted you to find me and stop this from happening.  I wanted you to hold me and tell me I had imagined it, or that you could take it all away, but you never came.  It felt like it was lasting forever…like it was never going to end and I felt so ashamed.  Then it was over and I could feel what he had left behind inside of me and I wanted to die.  Right there in that alley, I wanted to die.  I didn’t want to face you or Tess ever again,” She looked up at him, seeing the tears in his eyes and the trail they had made down his face.  She saw the way his jaw clenched as he tried to hold back more and another sob escaped her.  She was no longer yelling at him, but the hurt was still vividly present, “Then you know what he did, Andrew?  He thanked me, like I had given him a gift, when instead he ripped it from me and with that everything that has ever been important to me,” Her swollen eyes continued to meet with his, “So if you want to know if I fought, the answer is yes…I fought harder than I have ever fought in my existence, though I can’t believe you would expect anything but that from me.”

 He watched as she covered her face with her hands and began to cry openly.  He didn’t even deserve to have her in his existence.  He would never forgive himself for the last ten minutes, of that much he was certain, “Angel,” His voice was hoarse as he struggled to talk to her through the emotion he was feeling, “I’m so sorry.  I can’t even begin to apologize, I just-.” He approached her and laid a hand on her shoulder, and felt sick when she slapped it away.

“Just go…just go, Andrew.  You have what you came in here for…”

   Her words were like a knife through his heart. He didn’t have to worry about forgiving himself because he never deserved to have her forgive him. He quickly left the barn, almost running back up the path. She didn’t want him with her but she couldn’t be left alone for long.

“What happened? Where is she?” Paul was visibly upset when he saw Andrew burst into the kitchen. He hadn’t liked the idea of the angel trying to talk to her and now it looked like he had been right.

“I fucked it all up, that’s what happened,” Andrew was almost yelling, at himself more than anyone else.

Paul stood up and grabbed Andrew by the shoulders. His eyes were hard and for the first time they held anger directed at his angelic friend.

“I asked you, where she was!”

“I left her out in the barn… she told me to leave and after what… I couldn’t stay… I couldn’t hurt her anymore.”

“You left her down there alone?”

“Paul, calm down,” Alex laid a gentle hand on her husband’s arm.

“Alex, I want to know what happened! What happened that made her throw you out?”

Andrew shook his head. Now he knew why Monica hadn’t wanted to tell him what had happened. Sometimes memories were simply too painful to relate.

“Did she at least give you a description of the guy?” Paul was starting to calm down as Alex rhythmically squeezed his forearm, but he was still visibly upset.

“No… she… she didn’t tell me that…” Andrew felt the pain in his soul drive even deeper. He had told them he could talk to her. He had insisted on it. And now he hadn’t even brought back the one piece of information they needed.

“I’m going to go get her,” Paul announced as he started towards the door.

“Paul… no.” Alex said firmly, meeting his angry eyes with her sad ones. “Let me go. She’s not going to want to see you.”

Paul sucked in a breath and clenched his fists at his sides. Alex was right. Whatever her mindset was it was evident that she had just relived her worst nightmare. The last thing she was going to want was to see another man.

Alex left the house, not sure whether to be more afraid of the conversation she was about to have or the conversation she was leaving.

*****

“What did you say to her, Andrew?” Paul asked, trying to calm himself down as he sat down across the table from the angel. Andrew was just about his best friend, and whatever had occurred between the two angels, it was obvious that Andrew was beating himself up enough. He didn’t need any help.

“I don’t even know. I started out just pushing her to tell me what happened. I figured if she was going to tell anyone, it would be me.” His eyes sought Paul’s needing him to believe. “We’ve never kept anything from each other.”

Paul could see the depth of Andrew’s pain carved into the worried lines on his face. His own anger was quickly subsiding to be replaced with sympathy. “Buddy… this wasn’t just anything you were asking her to tell you.”

“I know that… I know… but I kept pushing her… I don’t even know why… I just had to know… I had to hear from her lips…” he looked at Paul desperately and the agent’s mouth was set in a grim line as he nodded. It was horrible, but he had a feeling that if the same thing had happened to Alex, he would have the same horrible need. “Somehow… I just started talking and I told her that I needed to know how hard she’d fought, and the look in her eyes when I said that…”

“Andrew…”

“I know! Don’t you think I know? I didn’t mean to question her, I swear! But she just started telling me everything… she was so frantic… it was like it was happening to her all over again, and I was the one putting her through it…” His shoulders slumped in complete defeat. “I don’t think she’ll ever look at me again, and I can’t say that I blame her…”

Paul didn’t say anything. A quick denial would only have sounded forced and placating. He took a few breaths, watching as Andrew ran shaking fingers through his hair and looked up at the ceiling as if expecting the answers to come from above.

“In her heart she knows you didn’t mean what you said,” Paul said at last.

“Yeah, well that doesn’t really matter, does it? I said it and she can’t forget it, and I just put her through hell all over again. I put her through hell because I needed to know.” He spat the words out, disgusted with himself. “I love her so damn much, Paul… I do… I love her… and now… now she isn’t even going to want to be in the same house with me.”

 Paul was quiet for a moment, trying to think of what to do or say that could make this any better but he knew he had to think of something, “She needs time…and so do you.  Now that the wound has been reopened, not that it was ever closed, Alex will get a description of this guy,” He looked into his friend’s eyes, his expression grim but not allowing for any argument, “Then you, Alex and I are going to Boston and we’re going to find this son of a bitch and make him wish he had never laid eyes on Monica.”

 “Paul, I can’t leave her now,” Andrew was shaking his head in protest, but Paul was not going to have any part of it.

 “That is exactly what you are going to do.  She is right now back to square one, based on what you are telling me, only now you’ve hurt her as well.  Though you didn’t mean to, she needs time to sort this out and you’re going to give her that,” He saw the angel nod his head sadly, “We’ll leave tonight.”

 Andrew lowered his face to his hands, hardly able to imagine leaving her.  She was so fragile right now, barely a shadow of who she had once been.  He only hoped she would allow him to say good-bye, because he wasn’t sure he would be able to walk out the door unless he could.

 ******

 Alex ran down the hill to the stable, her heart pounding in her throat.  She had no idea of what had just transpired between the two angels, but judging by Andrew’s reaction, she was expecting Monica to be even worse and she was not disappointed.

 The little angel was slumped on the floor up against Scout’s stall with her knees drawn up to her chest.  Her arms were wrapped around them as she cried, trembling, into them.  It was a heartbreaking vision and one Alex would not soon forget.

 “Monica?” She spoke softly as she approached her and sat down next to her.  She wasn’t expecting to get much out of her, so she was surprised when the angel was choking out words almost immediately.

 “He thought… he thought I didn’t fight him…how?  How could he think that, Alex?  How?”

 The look on her friend’s face as she looked up at her caused Alex’s heart to clench as she gently wrapped her arm around the angel’s shoulders and pulled her close, “Oh honey, I don’t think-.”

 “I fought him so hard…I couldn’t even move for days without it hurting…how could he think I had done anything else?”

 The agent was quiet for a moment, running her hand over Monica’s arm soothingly, “He’s so confused right now, Monica and looking for answers as to why this happened to you.  He’s looking for a way to turn back time and be able for one thing to be different to change the outcome, and that just isn’t going to happen, but it doesn’t make Andrew want it any less.  He loves you so, honey, with everything in him and what has broken your heart has also broken his.  If this horrible thing had happened to me, I know Paul would have questions in just trying to find out how it could have turned out differently,” She was trying desperately to make this better for the two angels, but she wasn’t sure how much Monica was hearing, “He feels powerless to help, Monica and felt powerless to know what happened to you, so he’s been trying to put the puzzle together himself.”

“He was helping me until now!  Until I found out what he really thinks of me-.”

 “No,” Alex stated firmly, catching the angel’s chin in her hand, “What he thinks where you are concerned is how damn important you are to him and how much he loves you.  What happened to you doesn’t change that, not one tiny bit, unless it is to say he loves you even more.  I refuse to let you doubt that, Monica.  Andrew is the only one on the planet that Paul trusts with you and that speaks volumes.  Yes, he hurt you today, and he knows that and hates himself for it, but what he said has nothing to do with what he thinks of you.  He wanted to know what happened because of how he feels about you and because he didn’t want you carrying it around alone.  There is no burden he would not share with you, honey.  Not a one and if it were possible he would carry it for you.”

 Though Monica didn’t comment on her words, Alex knew she was thinking about them and she considered that a considerable victory.  Now she just needed one more.

 Rising to her feet, she walked over to the old wooden workbench to retrieve the sketch pad and pencil she kept there to draw for pleasure when time allowed and she thumbed through the sketches of the horses until she came to a blank page.  Returning to Monica’s side, she sat back down and looked at her sadly, “I know this is a terrible time to ask, but if you just told Andrew what happened, then the memories are still very fresh in your mind.  I need to know what this bastard looks like, honey, so we can stop him from hurting anyone else.”

 Monica lowered her head as she wiped at her eyes.  It was the one thing left to tell and then no one could ask anything more from her.  Closing her eyes, she shuddered as his face came immediately before her and in a quiet whisper, she told Alex every detail. 

 Alex drew rapidly albeit carefully, not wanting to make it a long drawn out process.  Monica was hurting enough without having to do this and Alex was just thankful she was willing.  When the angel’s words ceased, she drew for a few more minutes and then looked at Monica regretfully, “I’m sorry, but I have to ask,” She turned the sketchpad to face her, “Is this him?”

 Monica looked and then turned her head away, her voice holding a trace of anger but more fear, “That’s him.”