CHAPTER 9

The next few days passed with agonizing slowness for the little Irish angel, though she tried diligently to make the most of her situation as well as keep her emotions intact. Her feeling of being jailed was continuing to grow with each new day and there were moments she found herself pacing, much like a tiger in a cage, who kept hoping for that miraculous moment when freedom would be at hand.

Andrew and Paul were bending over backwards to try and keep her spirits up, despite the fact that at times they felt as if they were walking on eggshells with her. It wasn’t that she was being disagreeable; quite the contrary, but there were moments when the petite angel looked and felt like a bomb waiting to explode.

Ever since the picture in the paper fiasco, Paul had tightened the reigns on her, and though Monica loved the outings with the horses, the days of galloping ahead were now over for her and she silently mourned this fact. Though they had been brief, they had still been moments when she felt like a free spirit and she had treasured them greatly. But she had uttered not a word of complaint when Paul had laid down the new ground rules, knowing she had to accept them and not wanting to make any trouble.

What was making things even more difficult was that with the new threats to her safety, Paul had become even more protective and Monica was finding stolen moments with Andrew were becoming harder to come by. The agent was sleeping much lighter and just that night, when she had tried to sneak into Andrew’s room, just to pour out her heart, Paul had heard her door open and had been there instantly, asking if she was all right. She had muttered something about getting a drink of water, before heading back to bed, too frustrated and her heart too heavy to be able to sleep.

She tossed and turned for as long as she could stand it, but the bedroom itself seemed to be closing in on her and her world, which had once felt so full of endless possibilities, now seemed miniscule and she felt like she couldn’t even breathe.

Exhaustion battled with common sense and won, as she quietly crept out of bed and over to the door, pausing to listen for any movement from Paul’s bedroom. Hearing none, she slowly opened the door an inch at a time, praying it wouldn’t creak. She breathed a sigh of relief when her prayers seemed to have been answered and she took great care on closing the door behind her once more.

The little angel moved unostentatiously down the hallway and to the kitchen, hardly daring to breathe as she unlocked the back door and hesitated. She knew Paul would be furious if he found out she had gone outside, and possibly Andrew as well, but she was an angel after all; the Father would care for her and right now, her lungs felt as if they would burst if she couldn’t have a few quiet moments of fresh air. It was difficult enough not being able to talk to Andrew the way she wanted to be able to, but this feeling of being a bird in a cage was more than she could bear at the moment.

Silently, the door opened and as she closed it behind her, she inhaled the night air in a rush as if it was her first living breath. The cool air awoke her senses and she felt herself come alive for what felt like the first time in days. Though the night was chilly, she welcomed it as she grabbed the flashlight from the porch and crept quietly onto the dew-dampened grass, before she picked up her pace and headed down the hill to the stables. Only when she knew the flashlight would be out of range to reflect in the house, did she turn it on to light her way.

Though the angel hated the darkness, she calmed her nerves as she entered the stables and heard Scout whinny softly in greeting. Approaching the horse, she smiled sadly, resting her forehead against him, “Hello, Scout,” She told him softly, “I thought maybe you were as lonely as I am right now, so I decided to pay you a visit,” She drew in a trembling breath as she shivered slightly, having worn no more than her nightgown in her haste to escape, “Paul and Andrew are wonderful company, but I’m afraid your buddy Paul is smothering me a little at the moment. I know he has his reasons, but I’m missing my best friend at the moment and the house was closing in on me, Scout. This is just so much harder than I thought it would be…so much harder.”

Scout nuzzled her shoulder gently as if urging her to speak her heart and the words came out in a rush, “This is all such a mess, Scout. Why didn’t I leave that night? That would have stopped all these dominoes from falling in the first place. I’m an angel, Scout; an angel! I don’t want to be anyone’s assignment, or have my picture plastered all over the newspapers, or have to be trapped in a house with my best friend, who I can’t even talk to right now-.” She took in deep breaths, trying to calm her rapidly fraying emotions, “I’m trying to accept this as where I am supposed to be, but I don’t want to be here; not like this.”

Wearily, she sank down to the floor and leaned back up against Scout’s stall, wiping at her tired eyes as she felt the horse’s hot breath against her hair, “It’s like you are the only one I can talk to right now, Scout. I can’t even face God right now; not feeling the way I do.”

“But that’s exactly when He’s with you the most.”

Monica gasped and her head whipped around to see Andrew standing in the doorway, barely illuminated by the beam of light from her flashlight. She shut her eyes and willed her heart back to a normal rhythm as she waited for him to close the distance between them.

“I’m sorry, Angel Girl,” he said as he hurried to her side. He looked at her out of the corner of his eye. “I guess I should know by now not to sneak up on you.”

Monica still said nothing and he could see that she was trying to calm herself down. He crouched down beside her and stretched one long arm around her shoulders. “You’re ok, Monica. Nothing’s going to hurt you here.” He paused. “Well, except for Paul when he finds out you came out here alone in the middle of the night,” he dead-panned, hoping to get a smile out of his best friend.

Instead she let out a choked laugh that turned almost immediately into a sob. Andrew was dismayed at her reaction and went to draw her closer but she stopped him and pulled away, putting her hands to her face to wipe away her tears and try to stifle her crying. She had seemed so fragile the last few days, but she had never come to him and he had assumed that she was beginning to feel a little better about things.

“Monica, talk to me. What’s wrong? Why are you pushing me away?”

“I’ll be alright,” she said weakly. “Just give me a minute.”

“Give you a minute?” Andrew exclaimed. “Angel, I’m right here… why won’t you let me at least hold you.”

Monica sniffled and held back the rest of the tears that longed to fall. “Because you aren’t here… not really,” she said tearfully.

“You aren’t making any sense… of course I’m here. I’m here with you every minute of the day,” he insisted.

She shook her head violently. “No! Andrew the agent is here… not my best friend. I can’t touch you… I can’t go to you… I’m afraid to even look at you sometimes because I think I won’t be able to keep from running into your arms if I do. Paul nearly caught me trying to go to your room tonight,” she cried, “that’s why I came out here instead. I just had to get away and be able to talk to someone about who I really am and what I’m really feeling.”

Andrew felt like every tear was coming from his own heart, but he looked at his dearest friend with dry eyes, knowing that she needed him to be strong enough for both of them. “So you came here to talk to Scout,” he guessed and watched as she nodded her head, her auburn hair sweeping forward to obscure her face.

“I just couldn’t lie there any more,” she said softly.

He moved close to her again and this time she didn’t fight him when he reached around and pulled her close. “I’m sorry we haven’t been able to talk, Monica,” he said. “You know I’ve wanted to… but you’re right… it has been hard.”

“And I don’t know when it’s ever going to get easier,” she whispered.

“We’ll work something out. We will. I don’t care if we have to lock Paul in his room and pretend the door got stuck. You aren’t going through this alone and I don’t want you to feel like you are.”

The image of Paul futilely pushing against a locked door was enough to bring a thin smile to Monica’s face as she nestled against Andrew’s shoulder. The blond angel looked down and saw it and smiled himself, wrapping his other arm around her. He knew that things were far from being alright, but at least now perhaps they could get better.

“So what else did you tell Scout?” He asked softly after a moment, needing to know the depth of her hurt.

“I told him I was lonely; mostly for you, even though you are right here, you still feel just beyond my reach most of the time, Andrew. I’ve wanted to talk to you so badly, but every time I try, Paul is right there. I like him, I do, and I understand his position but I feel like I’m being suffocated by him right now,” Bringing her trembling hands to her face, she seemed to be physically trying to push back the tears as she rested in his arms.

“So talk to me now, Angel,” Andrew whispered, his fingers brushing through her hair tenderly as he willed her to open her heart.

“I want things back the way that they were,” Her words were both a statement and a plea for him to make it so, all the while knowing he could not, “I want to have assignments, not be the assignment. I don’t know how to do that, Andrew, and I keep making a mess out of it.”

“Monica, you have done nothing wrong. The things that have happened are beyond your control, so stop trying to control them. As far as you being able to talk to me, I will work something out. I promise you, I will, though I have no idea of what yet,” He did his best to reassure her, before he added as gently as he could, “But while we are on this subject, you know you need to take to the Father all that is in your heart as well.”

She closed her eyes, hearing his words, knowing they were truth, but also knowing she couldn’t do what he was asking of her yet, “I can’t yet. I still feel responsible for all of this; for Josh dying. I know you are right, but I just can’t do it yet.”

“Monica, you weren’t the one who killed Josh…”

“And I wasn’t the one to stop it either,” She interrupted sadly.

“Angel, you weren’t meant to stop it,” He argued gently, wishing if nothing else, that she could accept that much.

“Then why be there?” Her voice held an edge to it that shocked him somewhat, though he knew the words were directed at herself and not at him.

“Take it to God.”

“I can’t.”

Andrew sighed softly, knowing her stubborn streak was winning the battle tonight, “You can, you just don’t want to yet.”

There was silence in the stables for a few moments before he spoke up again, “We should get back. You’re shivering and the last thing your human form needs is a cold.”

Monica nodded her head in resignation as she allowed him to help her to her feet, feeling more tired than she would ever admit, even to him. Picking up the flashlight, she followed him out of the barn and back up the hill and her weary heart fell to her stomach as she saw the kitchen light on and Paul’s distressed face looking out the window.

“I don’t know if I can do this tonight…” She whispered tearfully, though she had known all along that her outing could very well hold repercussions.

“I’ll think of something, Angel Girl,” Andrew replied as the approached the back porch.

“No, you won’t. I’ll tell him the truth,” She tried to put as much bravery into her words as she could despite the fact that she felt anything but brave at the moment.

“Where the hell have you been?” The agent demanded. Though his eyes held anger, Andrew could clearly see the concern beneath that and he just hoped that Monica could as well.

“I needed some air,” She stammered nervously, hoping he would consider putting off this conversation till the morning, “Andrew found me and no harm was done.”

“This time!” Paul countered irritably, “I have to hand it to you, Monica. For someone whose life is at stake, you are the most brazen witness I’ve ever tried to protect.”

“Paul, please,” She pleaded her voice weighed down with exhaustion, “I can’t do this now. I just can’t.” Feeling Andrew wrap a quilt around her shivering form, she shot him a grateful look, as Paul continued his worry-laden rant.

“My job is to protect you, Monica and you are doing your best to make that impossible! Can you even make me understand why it is you are so determined to put your life in danger?”

Giving up the fight, the little angel starred at the floor, feeling like a reprimanded child, but not having the energy to get angry. Her tears were dangerously close to the surface once again as she struggled to blink them back.

“Paul, I really think we should continue this in the morning,” Andrew stated softly, clearly seeing Monica’s defeat and wanting to give his partner’s anger time to diffuse.

“I just want to understand this, Monica,” Paul continued, not liking what he saw in her face, but he had been worried sick when he had once again found her missing.

She briefly raised her eyes to meet with his, the sadness there unmistakable, “You’ve never been on this side of things, Paul. If you had, I wouldn’t need to explain it to you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to bed.”

She didn’t give him time to reply as she hurried from the kitchen and back to her room, closing the door firmly behind her. It was only when she climbed into bed, that she allowed the silent tears to dampen her pillow.