CHAPTER 2

"Monica?" He opened the door and his heart thudded to the floor. She had fallen asleep and though it couldn’t have been for long, it was long enough for the nightmare to take hold. She was whimpering softly, her forehead bathed in sweat and he was at her side an instant later, trying to gently awaken her. The fact that she was dreaming like this at all broke his heart, but it was only further proof that she was not prepared to be facing the things that he, Paul and Alex were facing.

"Angel," He shook her gently as his other hand ran along her cheek and it was all it took for her to bolt up in bed, her eyes wild with panic and fear, "It’s okay, baby. It was a dream…only a dream."

He had her face in his hands and she slowly calmed as the dream released her from its clutches. Blinking back tears, she looked into his eyes, "I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to-."

"Now do you see?" Andrew whispered, swiping at a tear that fell from her eye, "Do you see why I didn’t want to tell you?"

"I thought I had put it behind me…I thought…" Monica shook her head, "I thought it was over."

"It is over, angel," He soothed, pulling her into his arms, "But something like this can bring it back and that is exactly why you don’t need to be involved."

"But I will be," She whispered, closing her eyes, "Do you really think I’m just here for the ride? If God didn’t want me involved, do you really think He would place me here where this is happening?"

Andrew was silent as he pondered her words, holding them close in his heart. He didn’t want to believe that she was right. For the first time he wanted to send her away. He wanted her back at their little house, or out on a safer, happier assignment with Tess. Being parted from her would be a small price to pay if it would mean he could wipe the sadness from her eyes. But she was right. God had sent her with him, and He never did anything without purpose.

Holding her close he let out a long breath and touched his lips to her soft hair. "I wish that wasn’t true," he admitted. "I wish you weren’t even here." The words hurt to say, but they were the truth.

"Please don’t say that." Her words were muffled against his chest.

"You know it isn’t because I don’t love you, angel. It’s because I love you so much."

"Yes, but please don’t say it anyway. Don’t even think it. I don’t ever want us parted if we don’t absolutely have to be."

"Okay, okay." He gently stroked her hair as he spoke soothingly. "I’m sorry. I should know better than to question, but you know it’s hard for me when it comes to you getting hurt… even by the past."

Monica squeezed him tightly and then pulled back. "You should talk to Paul," she told him. "He feels the same way when Alex has to go into dangerous situations but he knows it’s part of her job and he can’t stand in her way."

"Maybe he can give me some tips about how he handles it," he said as he kissed her lightly and pulled her head back against his shoulder. "But I will never get used to coming in and finding you like I just did."

A little shudder ran through her small frame. "No… I won’t get used to that either. I wish… I wish I could just get over it… forget… make it all disappear…"

"That’s not something wishing can change, but just keep telling yourself that I am here for you. Now, tomorrow, and forever. It hasn’t really been that long, Monica. Not long at all. Don’t get angry with yourself for not being able to ignore that it happened."

"Do you think it will ever really fade away?" She asked in a small voice as she intertwined her fingers with his and studied the back of his hand.

"I think so. You used to dream of it every night, and now you hardly ever do. You know better than I do how far you’ve come."

"I’ll try to remember, but keep reminding me if I forget."

"Whenever you need me to, angel," he said and kissed her once more.

"We should go back downstairs. Dinner must be ready by now and I’m sure they’re both wondering what happened to us," Monica said as she slipped off his lap.

"It’s ready and waiting, but don’t worry about Alex and Paul. They both understand."

Monica headed to the door and waited for Andrew to catch up. "Sometimes I don’t know how they do it," she said as she shook her head. "They never have easy cases… someone is always hurt before they even get called. At least sometimes we have the chance to change people’s hearts and help them before anything happens."

"Well with any luck, this time Paul and Alex will be able to help the next girl before anything happens to her… with God’s grace there won’t even be another girl."

Monica nodded sadly and then looked up at her husband. He had taken her hand in his and was holding it tightly. She had him and Alex and Paul had each other. Whatever happened they would see it through together.

*****

Dinner started out as a very somber affair. No one knew exactly what to say with the crimes they all knew about hanging in the air. Polite comments about the house and the food and questions about the angels’ recent assignments only filled the silence momentarily. Then, out of nowhere, Paul announced that he thought that natural childbirth without any drugs at all was the way to go. With one look from an astonished Alex they were off on a much more lighthearted debate that led them to more talk of the baby and the future.

The evening ended on a high-note, but it ended early, with both couples announcing that they were worn out. Alex knew that of them all, Andrew was probably the most tired, at least emotionally. They could only imagine what he had seen first hand. They bid each other goodnight before retiring to their rooms, and they were all wondering what the next day would hold and hoping that it would be better than the current one.

Andrew was already in bed with a book open in his hands when Monica finally emerged from the walk-in closet in their room. His heart clenched when he saw her, but he kept his face neutral as she paused and looked at him briefly. She looked almost like a child herself in a heavy flannel nightgown that reached to the floor and her dark hair spread across her shoulders.

"It’s very cold, isn’t it?" She quickly broke his gaze and hurried to the bed and crawled under the covers.

Andrew, who had stripped down to nothing but his boxers was quite comfortable, but "It’s a little chilly," he allowed. She was obviously already feeling self-conscious and he wasn’t about to make her feel any worse.

Slowly he put his book down and turned out the light. When he turned to face his wife she had already curled up on her side facing away from him. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her, but he couldn’t stand the thought of just lying in bed next to her as if she wasn’t even there. Very cautiously he slid under the covers and draped his arm around her stomach as he inched closer. He couldn’t see her chest rising and falling faster, but he could feel it and he closed his eyes and took a breath.

"I just want to hold you, angel. Is that all right?"

"Mm-hmm," she answered, afraid to speak.

She was being stupid and crazy and that was all there was to it. Every night they had together was a gift and here she was throwing one away because she couldn’t get her spinning thoughts under control. All she could see when she closed her eyes was a dark and rainy alley, and when she opened them the dark held images of a helpless girl, trapped against her will. Andrew hadn’t caused either of those thoughts, so why couldn’t she just relax and enjoy being with him? It was selfish and thoughtless and he deserved better. He at least deserved her to say something.

He felt her starting to turn in his arms and he pulled her closer to his chest and leaned his head forward to kiss the side of her face. "Sleep, Monica," he whispered. "You’re just where I want you to be… safe in my arms. Just go to sleep, baby."

He couldn’t read her mind, but he knew her heart. He could imagine what she was feeling and he hated it. She still felt like she owed him something that he considered a precious gift. He had thought she was past that, but clearly he was wrong. It was a conversation they were going to have sometime soon, but not tonight. Tonight he just wanted to hold her close and send his love into her heart and make sure that he was there for any dreams that might come.

*****

Paul crawled into bed beside of his wife and immediately leaned over to kiss her gently before moving down lower to lay a tender kiss against her stomach through her nightgown. It had become his custom each night since finding out Alex was pregnant and he was almost surprised at how fiercely he already loved the child that was growing inside of her.

Alex smiled and reached out to run her hand through his hair affectionately. He had been so incredibly tender the last few months and at times it took her breath away. Ever since the bombings at the FBI a change had come over him. Though he had always been loving to her and a perfect husband to her, she had still often seen him as "the tough guy". But since facing the fear of losing her and then finding out he would soon be a daddy, something buried deep in Paul had emerged. She surmised that perhaps he had dropped the last of his defenses that had been in place since Lauren had died; defenses designed to protect his heart, less it should get broken again.

But with the surrender, came weekly flowers, often delivered to her desk, which had touched her deeply as he had always tried to remain neutral with her at work for the sake of appearing professional. Many nights, there were little gifts, and always two. One for the baby and one exclusively for her, whether it be bubble bath, which she always insisted he share the pleasures of, or new slippers as pregnancy often left her tired at the end of a long day in the office. Then there was just the way he looked at her, the softness that would fill his eyes, the look of intense love that often brought tears to her own. Yes, things were perfect, or nearly so, if only they could catch the man who was making her more afraid than she had ever felt working a case.

"Feeling okay, baby?" He asked as he settled in next to her and pulled her gently into his arms.

"Mmm, perfect now, thank you," Alex replied, snuggling up against him before falling silent for a moment, her fingers running along his arm, "Do you ever worry about bringing our baby into this world, Paul?"

"All the time," He replied softly, kissing the top of her head gently, "But we’re going to catch him, Alex. I promise you that."

"But there will always be someone, Paul. Some crazy, demented bastard who wants to hurt innocent kids. I know the chances are slim that ours will ever find him or herself in such a situation, but I’m sure little Krista’s mom and dad felt the same way."

Paul felt the tremble go through her and he moved so he could see her face, "Sweetheart, this is not something we can dwell on and there are a couple of angels down the hall who can attest to that. God is watching over all of us, including that little baby you have growing inside of you. Besides, I don’t know about you, but I plan on teaching Baby Gatlin every damn self defense move I know!"

This brought a soft laugh from her, though her eyes held seriousness, "Yes, I agree with that," She sighed softly, "And I know you’re right about the rest of it too. This case has just been hitting me harder than one has in a long time."

"Of course it is, baby, and it makes perfect sense," He laid his hand against her face as he gazed into her eyes, "But this is what we do every day. We make the streets safer for everyone, all the while knowing that we have to be careful always, and we will pass that along to this little one. We’ll teach our child to be careful and to be safe, as well as to be kind and giving and all the other things that are so important. Then when the day comes for him or her to test their wings, we pray that that the things we said had impact, the same way every other parent on the face of the planet does."

A sweet smile crossed her face and she pulled him down for a tender kiss, "I love you, Paul Gatlin. You always know what to say to me when nothing I’m saying to myself is helping."

"Ah, then my work here is done," He grinned, kissing the tip of her nose.

"You know, if I weren’t so damn tired, I’d tell you that you were wrong about that."

"I’ll take a rain check. It’s been a long day and I’d rather you rest."

"There were a lot of underlying emotions at dinner tonight," Alex stated softly with a sigh, "It seems we are all involved in one way or another and I can’t help feeling so sorry for Monica. This has to be hard for her too."

"Yeah," His eyes flickered with concern, "And that is weighing heavily on Andrew. Neither one of them really want to be anywhere near this road again so soon."

"We have to catch him, Paul." The words were a whisper as he leaned over and turned off the light.

"We will, baby."

*****

He was barely asleep, so it didn’t take much to awaken him. A tiny shudder, a little splash against his hand and his eyes were open, "Monica?" He heard her breathe out a quiet sob and he propped himself up to gently turn her face to him. Even in the dark, he could make out the trails her tears had made and could see more shining in her eyes. Her face as she looked up at him was still that of that small child, forlorn and ashamed and the ache in her heart passed directly into his own.

"What is it, angel? Another dream?"

She shook her head and moved to wrap her arms around his waist, burying her face against his chest and he breathed out a small sigh of relief. At least she wasn’t pulling further away. He held her as tightly as he dared, not wanting to scare her away, while his fingers stroked lightly through her hair, "Shh. It’s all right, baby."

Monica struggled to pull herself together, hating that she had woken him up, hating how selfish she was feeling, but she felt powerless to stop the tears from coming. "Couldn’t sleep…I keep seeing him…the alley…a little girl…" She felt his arms tighten around her, the strength in them engulfing her small body. "I don’t want to go back there, Andrew…not now that I’m finally here and it took so long to get to this point…and now tonight…I could barely let you touch me and I hate myself for that…"

"No. Listen to me," He pulled back gently in order for her to see his eyes, "You have nothing to feel badly about, Monica. You need to stop thinking that you can put the rape behind you indefinitely, because you can’t, and neither can I. When I was with that child today, yes, my heart broke for her, but at the same time, I was thinking about you, angel. I can’t even see an alley without remembering, without thinking about what he did to someone I love so much, so what makes you think you should be able to forget?"

She searched his eyes through blurred vision, "I never realized you thought about it."

"Monica! Of course I do, sweetheart. I love you and what hurt you, also hurt me, because of how badly you were hurting. But I also think about it and think about how far you’ve come, about the good things that happened because of it," Reaching out, he swiped at a tear that fell from her eye.

"But you don’t let it come between us," Monica whispered sadly as she lowered her eyes, but his hand under her chin forced her gaze once more.

"And neither do you. Baby, I’ve told you before that all I need to be happy is you in my arms, feeling your heartbeat next to mine, knowing that you love me as much as I love you. That’s all I require, angel. Making love to you is a gift, each and every time, but it is you that is so, so precious to me."

"Really?"

Andrew leaned in and kissed her forehead tenderly, "Really, baby. I’m the luckiest guy in heaven or on earth, just for having you in my arms and I will always be here for you, regardless of if your eyes are shining with joy, or if memories are hurting you." He kissed her softly, cautiously, but she made no attempt to pull away and he felt some of the tension drain from her body, "Now, come here," He settled back in bed and guided her head to his chest, hearing the contented sigh that escaped her. "I want you to sleep. I’m here, I love you and you don’t need to know anything else."

The beat of his heart soothed her soul and the warmth of his skin beneath her cheek and hand eased the bone deep chill that had set in earlier as his reassurance helped close her eyes. "I love you too," she whispered on a breath, "and you aren’t the luckiest…I am."