CHAPTER 6

Alex and Paul looked up worriedly the next morning when Andrew walked into the kitchen, his expression almost haggard and showing a lack of rest.

"Bad night, buddy?" Paul asked, rising to his feet to pour his friend a cup of coffee.

"Her worst in a long, long time," the angel replied quietly, gratefully accepting the mug from Paul. "She’s sleeping now though, but…" he sighed heavily, shaking his head, "Paul, I’m supposed to stick close to you but for the life of me, I don’t know how to leave her alone today."

"You two never came back down last night," Alex remarked, watching him with concern, "I guess seeing Krista really hit her pretty hard."

"I never even got that far, Alex." He sat down at the table with them. "This retired officer she met… well, they were talking and he said something about not knowing what kind of life Krista would have after what had happened to her… didn’t see how she could ever recover from that…"

"Fuck," Paul muttered under his breath, not even needing for Andrew to say anymore as he already knew the rest of the story.

"It seems she’s been holding onto the hope that one day it would just all go away…that she’d forget and yesterday she realized that is not going to happen. It nearly broke her heart," His last words were barely audible and the couple had to strain to hear them.

Exchanging a look with Paul, Alex spoke up softly, "Ya know, I have a ton of sick days to use up…even more than enough for my maternity leave. I’ll stay home with her today, Andrew. Maybe I can get her to go out shopping or something to take her mind off things."

"I have an even better idea," Paul said thoughtfully, "What if I arrange for you two to fly out to the farm later on this morning? Andrew and I can join you both there tonight. We can spend the weekend there, away from this whole mess."

Andrew looked at them both, nearly bowled over by their offers. They were both looking at him, so eager to help, because they were their friends, because they loved Monica, "Don’t you need to be here, Paul? In the event anything happens?"

"I can put Hendricks on call for me until Monday," He stated firmly, not missing the hopefulness in the angel’s eyes.

"She needs this, Andrew," Alex stated, reaching for his hand, "And we wouldn’t offer if we didn’t want to do it. She needs the air, and the horses and all the things she loves there. The break will be good for all of us. I haven’t been sleeping so well myself and my demons aren’t nearly the bastards that hers are."

"I hate to have you lying about being sick though, Alex-."

She gave a little wave of her hand and reached for the phone, "I’m human, Andrew and can lie when need be…besides, it’s for a good cause."

Paul and Andrew watched in amusement as she dialed, cleared her throat and when the line was answered, she began speaking hoarsely, "Hi Renee…Alex…not coming in today. Been puking my guts up all night…right…yeah, after three kids, I guess you would know…" She gave a small laugh and it was interrupted by a very convincing cough, "Okay…see you Monday." Clicking off the phone she grinned triumphantly, "Done."

Paul applauded softly, "Yes, that’s my wife. Fighting for justice most days; lying to her superiors on other days." He smiled at her and took the phone, "What time do you want to fly?"

"Eleven?"

Andrew watched as it was all planned out around him, saying a silent prayer for the gifts of their friendship. Regardless of how bad yesterday was, he knew he had plenty to be thankful for, "Let me go tell her about the plans and then I’ll be ready to go, Paul."

"Take your time," He replied, before dialing the number to the commuter airport.

Andrew slipped quietly into their room and sighed softly. She was asleep but it was restless at best, but as dreams had plagued her all night, he wasn’t surprised. He just hoped Alex was right. That the trip to the farm would be just what she needed.

Sitting down beside of her, he brushed her cheek gently with his fingers and watched as she instantly stirred, the weariness in her eyes reaching deep into his heart, "Good morning, beautiful," He smiled tenderly at her, watching as she smiled softly up at him and reached for his hand.

"Good morning to you too," She replied sleepily.

"How are you feeling, angel?" He gave her hand a gentle squeeze as he continued to touch her face with the other.

"I’m okay," He knew it wasn’t really the truth, but he allowed it.

"I’m going in with Paul, but Alex took today off… said she needed a little break." Okay, so it wasn’t really the truth either, but he knew her well enough to know that she would balk that their friend had taken off work so she wouldn’t have to be alone. "They want to go to the farm for the weekend, so we thought you and Alex could fly in this morning and we’ll join you tonight. Would that be all right with you?"

A look of peace crept into her eyes and his heart soared, "The farm? Really?"

"Yes, baby, really. I take it you are in agreement?"

She nodded her head and sat up to hug him close, having a feeling there was more to this than he was saying, but more than willing not to question it, "I’ll miss you today."

"I’ll miss you too and will be loving you even more than that, angel," He whispered, pulling back to kiss her tenderly, "But I’ll see you tonight. Hopefully it will be an uneventful day and we’ll get out early."

*****

Although Monica was downstairs, dressed and with her customary coffee in hand when Andrew and Paul left for the day, she was still unusually quiet. If she held onto her husband for a minute longer than normal before he left, no one said anything about it, but Alex felt her determination to keep the little angel occupied increase accordingly. Or maybe she would be able to get her to open up. The last thing she wanted was for the angle to just bottle everything up all day only to suffer through nightmares all night.

As the car pulled out of the driveway Andrew kept his eyes focused on the front window. He could see Monica standing there, holding the curtain back and watching them. He kept his eyes on the house even as they drove off and her image became lost in the glare of sunlight off the glass.

"You want to talk about it?" Paul asked after five minutes passed without a word from Andrew.

"There isn’t a hell of a lot to say."

"Well you could start with how this is all making you feel."

"Me?" Andrew was completely taken aback.

"Yeah, you. It’s pretty obvious she isn’t the only one reliving some pretty shitty times."

"Maybe so, but what I’m feeling doesn’t even compare," he said as his mouth drew back into a troubled frown. "The White House and the farm are both houses but they aren’t even in the same league."

"You’ve got a point there… and just for the record I’d take the farm any day of the week. But c’mon… you’ve got to be feeling something."

"I am… Helpless."

"Oh, don’t even go there, buddy. We both know that you’re anything but helpless. She depends on you and you are right there for her one hundred percent. That isn’t being helpless. Some guys wouldn’t know what to do. They’d try to ignore it. They’d try to avoid it. Trust me, they wouldn’t all be staying up all night long just in case a nightmare hit."

Andrew didn’t answer. He kept his eyes trained on the car ahead of them.

"Did you get any sleep at all last night?" He was beginning to think that the angel wasn’t going to answer him, but finally Andrew spoke.

"A couple of hours I think. Just before the sun came up. Normally if she’s having a bad dream it wakes me up immediately, but I didn’t want to risk it."

Paul shook his head and clenched his fingers on the wheel. "I’m sorry. I wish I had the right words, but I know that anything I say will just sound trite and simplistic. I’m here to listen… I guess that’s the best thing I can offer you."

Andrew looked over at the man who so obviously cared deeply for both him and Monica. "That’s really the only thing that counts," he said gratefully.

A wry grin appeared on Paul’s face. "Yeah, well a magic wand would be nice too, but they’re all sold out." A few more minutes passed and Andrew continued to look completely preoccupied. "She’s in good hands with Alex."

"I know that, and I know she’ll be fine. It’s just that she does depend on me and I hope that doesn’t get in the way of her having at least a little bit of relaxation today. Sometimes…"

Paul chanced a look over at the angel and saw that he was shaking his head. "Sometimes what? You don’t want her to depend on you so much?"

"No… it isn’t that… I love that she trusts me enough to lean on me… at least I feel like that’s something I can do for her."

"But?"

Andrew looked around as if searching for the right words and finally he turned to Paul, saying, "All right… guess how long it took her to forgive me yesterday for being such a jackass to her."

Paul shrugged. "Monica? Forgiveness? I dunno… half a second?"

"Less."

"That’s who she is. You know that. When she loves someone she’ll forgive them anything."

"Yes, but she didn’t even think twice about it. If anything she was acting like she was still the one who had done something wrong. I think I would have been happier if she had been really pissed off at me."

"Well if you’re looking for penance I’m sure you could arrange something with Alex. She was pissed off enough for both of them," Paul smirked.

Andrew chuckled but his expression soon turned serious again. "I wish it was that simple. It’s hard to explain, Paul. She’s so trusting… so loving… I think that sometimes she thinks I’m far more perfect than I am and I don’t want her feeling that way. I don’t want her afraid to get mad at me. I don’t want her thinking that she’s so damn lucky to have me. I’m the lucky one. Frankly, she got the short end of the stick getting stuck with the only angel who has a lousy temper and a short fuse."

Paul let out a loud bark of laughter at that description. "I think that compared to any human man you’d still be considered a saint."

"That may be true, but that doesn’t make it right."

Nodding in understanding, Paul replied, "No, but I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it either. Maybe you’re right. Maybe she can’t see any of your faults because she’s too busy looking at her own. That’s not anything you two can’t deal with, Andrew. In fact I think it’s a problem most husbands would kill for."

"Well most husbands don’t have an angel for a wife."

"Good point and she is an angel in the truest sense of the word," He shot Andrew a look and grinned, "Not that you aren’t, but you do have that whole short fuse thing going for you." Andrew chuckled and he continued more seriously, "I think this whole rape thing has left her feeling incredibly insecure and even if she was pissed as hell with you yesterday, that insecurity isn’t about to let her fight back and risk putting any kind of wall between you two when she needs you so much right now."

"But surely by now she knows I can’t stay even slightly angry with her for more than five minutes and even being angry isn’t going to make me not be there for her," He saw Paul glancing over at him and he sighed, "Okay, maybe she doesn’t know that. After all, the total shithead in me wouldn’t let her get a word in edgewise yesterday before I ordered her into a cab and home. I still can’t fucking believe I did that…dismissing her like that. I make her feel terrible and she’s the one telling me how right I was about her not getting into a car with Shawn, the retired police officer."

"Now there’s a guy who needs to learn to keep his mouth shut," Paul grumbled with a shake of his head, "I mean, who the hell makes a comment like that about a seven year old girl? Granted, he could not have known Monica’s history, but to say something like that? Total jerk."

Andrew continued to stew for a few more moments. After the way Monica had cried in his arms last night and the things that she had said to him, his guilt over yesterday was eating him alive, "Is there a florist on the way to the airport?"

Paul laughed as he pulled his car into the parking garage, "As far as being a husband goes, Andrew, you have arrived. There have been times I’m not sure if the flowers I have purchased for Alex are more for her or for me."

He smiled slightly, "I’m going to spoil the hell out of her this weekend. Maybe by Monday I can look in the mirror and not hate myself. How soon can we get out of here today?"

"If nothing happens, I’m shooting for lunchtime…and as long as nothing drastic happens, I’m still shooting for lunchtime."

"I think I can live with that," Andrew replied. As he waited for Paul to find a space to park, he closed his eyes, sending all the love in his being out to the one little angel who maintained a constant grip on his heart.

****

As Alex pulled into the driveway at the farm that afternoon, she was sure she could physically see some of the tension draining out of the angel in the passenger’s seat. Monica had spent the morning being rather quiet and Alex had to work hard to draw her out, but luckily, she was known for her perseverance.

Monica found herself blinking back tears as her tired eyes took in the snow covered land that she was so familiar with and she felt peace stir in her heart for the second time that day. Though some of the memories of being here were hard, the more recent ones were among her favorites. This was the place that she and Andrew had admitted to their love for one another, the place he had proposed…the place they had been married and she wasn’t surprised to have to choke back a silent sob.

"It’s so good to be here," She whispered, looking over at her friend and smiling.

"I agree completely," Alex stated, making a mental note to let her husband have his way with her tonight for this idea…not that she needed a reason, "Come on, lets go in and fix some lunch. I’m starving and you didn’t have breakfast other than coffee."

Monica nodded her head in agreement as they climbed out of the car and she grabbed both of the weekend bags from the trunk, refusing to allow Alex to carry one.

"Trust me, Monica, having Paul fuss over me is plenty," She grinned as she unlocked the front door, "Seems I can’t have a hangnail anymore without him showing concern."

The angel giggled as she followed her friend into the house, "I think he has been very sweet," She replied, setting down the bags.

"Yes, he has," She rolled her eyes playfully, all the while knowing she would not trade his attention for anything in the world, "Make yourself comfortable and let me unpack the groceries I had delivered and see what I can scrounge up for lunch."

"Let me do it, Alex, or at least let me help," Monica offered, but Alex was already shaking her head.

"You’re a guest and actually I enjoy it. Paul doesn’t allow me to do much at home anymore, so I welcome a few hours of being a domestic goddess. By tonight, he won’t be allowing me to wash a dish."

Monica smiled as Alex vanished into the kitchen and she then found herself wandering through the house. Though it had only been three months since she had last been here, she found herself running her hand along the familiar tables, smiling at seeing the one by the door that Andrew had set her roses on the night of their first date. These were the things she wanted to remember, not the other things that had been filling her heart and mind the last two days.

She was still smiling as she walked by the study and she looked in briefly, feeling a coldness creep over her. It was a room she had not entered since the day of her mock trial and she felt the unwanted images coming back to her mind.

"I remember! I know it was him! I know! I’ll never forget! Never in a hundred years! Never!"

"That’s enough! What the hell are you doing? What the hell are you trying to prove?"

Pushing the painful memories aside, Monica quickly closed the door to the study and then leaned up against it, forcing back the tears, "I’ll never forget," She whispered to herself, "Never in a hundred years."

No, she wasn’t going to do this. Not this weekend. She wasn’t going to think about William Grady, or some horrible criminal who was running loose in the streets of the city, or little girls or angels who were never going to be the same. Determined, she headed back to the kitchen.

Alex looked up when she entered, frowning slightly at the sudden paleness of the angel’s face, "I though I told you to relax," She smiled.

"I decided I really would like to help. As long as you aren’t using the stove, I should be safe."

Monica’s smile was present but strained and Alex laid down the knife she was holding, "What I really think you need to do, is talk," She pointed to the table, "Sit."

"Alex, I’m fine, really. Just a little tired is all."

"I’m sure you are, as you had nightmares all night last night," Taking Monica’s hand, the agent led her to the table, "You had a shit day yesterday. You went to see Krista, your husband behaved like an ass at lunch and you’re telling me you’re fine?"

She lowered her eyes briefly and when she looked back up her dark eyes were slightly defensive, "Andrew was right. I never should have taken that ride. Anything could have happened."

"But nothing did and it doesn’t matter if he was right, he was way out of line," She sighed and reached for the angel’s hand, "I don’t want you to rehash this. I know he has made it right and that is what is most important."

"I don’t want you thinking badly of him, Alex. He was worried about me is all."

"I don’t think badly of him, honey and I sorted my own issues out with him last night," She watched Monica’s eyes open wide in surprise and she chuckled, "I was ready to take a piece of his ass when I got home for the way he spoke to you. I know he was worried about you, but he also hurt you, whether you can admit that or not."

Monica was silent for a moment, trying to sort out her own feelings, "I love him, Alex. I can forgive him anything."

"I know you can, in about zero point five seconds," she sighed softly. She didn’t want to tell her friend about the conversation that she’d had on the phone with Paul this morning when Monica had been packing, but she also wanted her to consider a few things she had taken from that conversation. "Honey, I know he is sorry for what happened, but I think maybe he feels even worse that you forgive so fast and then don’t give it another thought."

"But Alex, I don’t," She insisted, "When it is over, it’s over-."

Reaching over, Alex grabbed the angel’s other hand as well and looked straight into her eyes, "You look me right in the eyes and tell me that he didn’t hurt you yesterday and I’ll believe it."

Monica froze, looking into her friend’s blue eyes and she felt a tear roll down her cheek, "Of course it hurt," She whispered and she felt Alex squeeze her hands, "He’s never talked to me like that before."

"So why didn’t you admit that to him?"

"I didn’t want him to feel bad. I knew he already did and I didn’t want to make him feel worse."

"So it’s okay for you to feel badly but not for him?"

"Maybe," She was starting to feel frantic, not liking where this conversation was going, but she had a feeling with Alex driving, the agent knew exactly where she was going.

"Why?"

"Because I need him right now! I need him all the time, but especially right now. I don’t want some stupid fight changing things between us!"

Though the angel tried to pull away, Alex kept hold of her hands tightly, "Monica, do you really believe that a fight is going to change the way he feels about you? Or is what you really feel the fact that on some level you still don’t feel deserving because of what William Grady did to you?"

Monica yanked her hands back as if they had suddenly been burned. She gave Alex a long hard look and then quickly stood up and walked to the window. "You don’t know what you’re talking about."

"Well at least you don’t have any trouble getting pissed at me," Alex muttered.

The angel immediately spun back around, looking completely mortified. "I’m sorry, Alex, I didn’t mean it that way," she said quickly. "I just… I don’t want to talk about him… about that."

"I know you don’t. You don’t want to think about it. You don’t want to talk about it. You want to just forget about it but you can’t. Then, every time something bad happens; when things don’t work out the way you plan, or when someone gets angry at you, in the back of your mind you’re still telling yourself that maybe that’s just the way it’s supposed to be now. You just keep repeating how lucky you are, and how blessed, as if you don’t deserve anything more. You can’t even see how you affect everyone around you, how everyone you touch is that much better off just for having you nearby."

"No… Alex that’s not true… God hasn’t even given me an official assignment because He knows I can’t do any good for anyone right now. And I am blessed! Blessed to have Andrew and you and Paul to love me." Monica was shaking her head.

Alex sighed in exasperation. She had expected Monica to deny her feelings, but here she was denying her own worth again instead. "It is true, Monica. It’s true and you just proved it. God hasn’t given you an assignment because He has some other plan in mind for you, not because you aren’t capable." She watched as Monica turned her back and stared out the window. This wasn’t going quite as well as she had planned. She was supposed to be helping the little angel relax and instead she had blindsided her with a mini-intervention. "Monica, you know I’m not doing this to hurt you." A short nod was the only reply and she let out a long sigh. "Do you remember that conversation we had in the barn right after you and Andrew first kissed? You were so afraid. You didn’t think you were worth what he was offering and you didn’t think you ever would be." She shook her head as she remembered. "I was just about at my wit’s end when Paul showed up. He never did tell me what he said, but whatever it was did the trick."

"He talked about you," she murmured quietly and Alex’s eyes widened. "About how if it had happened to you he wouldn’t have felt one bit differently about you. He said it was the same with how Andrew felt about me."

Alex swallowed and blinked rapidly a few times to clear the mist that had risen over her eyes. "You believed him then," she said softly. "What’s changed since that night? What’s changed to make you go back to thinking, even if it’s only in the corner of your mind, that you aren’t worth every bit as much as Andrew? That your feelings aren’t just as valuable?"

Monica shrugged and Alex stepped up behind her and wrapped an arm around her small shoulders. "Well I have a few ideas. First… I know that you talk to Andrew about everything, but he’s the only one you talk to. It’s not like I’m placing blame or anything… there isn’t exactly a rape crisis center in Heaven I’m guessing, but that’s left you with just one safe harbor when you’re hurt: him. So where does that leave you when he’s the one doing the hurting?"

"But he never has before," Monica insisted. "He’s never even looked at me crossly."

"I know, honey, and I’m very glad about that, but this time he did, and chances are he will again."

"No… he won’t," Monica replied vehemently.

"That brings me to point number two," Alex continued. "Andrew is wonderful. Unbelievable really. He’s pretty much a one in a billion husband that just about every other man could take lessons from, but he isn’t infallible. He’s made mistakes just like everyone else, and you can’t keep telling yourself that you’re just lucky he’s putting up with you."

Monica turned towards the woman and pursed her lips, eyes bright with tears. "I’ve never thought that… but I am lucky… and he has had to go through a lot because of me."

Putting her hands on Monica’s shoulders, Alex forced her to look into her eyes. "He’d go through it all a thousand more times if he had to, Monica, and it isn’t because he’s such a perfect husband. It’s because you are worth it," she paused to emphasize each word. "Nothing that fucking bastard Grady did to you took away one iota of your worth, so you need to stop imagining that it did. So when you disagree with Andrew I expect you to say so, and if he ever talks to you like he did yesterday you are fully entitled to get angry and yell your little guts out at him. It’s okay to fight. Lord knows Paul and I have gotten into it way more than once, and the only time it really hurt us was when I hid what I was really upset about. Nothing is going to change between you except a deepening of the respect you already share. He sure as hell isn’t going to leave you. I don’t even think he’d know how."

Monica had finally let the tears break free and track down her cheeks, and Alex reached over to the counter and grabbed a paper towel.

"I guess… I don’t think I ever realized what I was doing," the angel said as she took the makeshift tissue and wiped at her eyes. "I just knew that any time anything came between us it was like a huge ball of fear sitting right on my heart and I wanted to do anything to make it go away… to make sure he still loved me."

"Sweetie, that is just about normal. The first few times Paul and I fought I felt like I was gonna throw up… and I think you know all about the last big fight we had." Monica nodded and Alex continued with a grin, "As for Andrew not loving you? I think I can say with absolute certainty that that is never, ever going to happen."

She gazed down at the floor for a moment. Alex had given her a lot to think about, so much in fact, that it all felt pretty jumbled up in her mind, "I think…I think I need a little time alone, Alex. You’ve given me a lot to consider."

The agent looked momentarily alarmed. The last thing she had wanted to do was to send the angel running for seclusion, "Where are you going?" She tried to sound casual about it, not wanting to be the one to tell Andrew she had no idea where his wife was.

"For a ride, I think," Monica replied quietly, moving to get her coat, "I’d rather like to see Scout and I think I’d like to be outside someplace where I don’t have to feel afraid or unsure."

"Okay, but Andrew and Paul will probably be here in an hour or so. Honey, he’ll be worried if you’re not back by then."

The little angel gazed out the window and nodded her head, "Tell him…tell him he knows where to find me."

Alex watched her go out the back door, praying that she hadn’t made a terrible mistake.