CHAPTER 2

The evening at the cabin was quiet, which only added to the blonde angel’s concern.  Monica was unwilling to talk about what had happened in the store, yet she seemed unable to think of anything else.  Dinner was a silent affair, with Andrew trying to make small talk with her as the little angel pushed the food around on her plate.

Finally, when Monica started to clear the table, Andrew took the plates from her hand and set them down, before taking her hand and pulling her into the living room.  Her expression was so broken, so sad, that he had to say something. 

Pushing her gently down onto the couch, he knelt in front of her and laid his hands tenderly on her knees as he looked into her already tear filled eyes, “Angel, you know I have already said that I’m not going to push you into telling me what is wrong and I will honor that promise.  What I already know however is that whatever hurt you so badly on your last assignment has stolen something from you that is very precious to me,” Seeing the quizzical look cross her face, he reached up with one hand to stroke her cheek, “Your confidence, baby.  When I got here yesterday, I could feel your distress over not being able to skip a stone and today in the water when you told me you were a terrible swimmer.  Then of course, in the store, when you didn’t feel like you were qualified to help those people.”

Great sorrow filled his angelic heart as he watched the tears that had been brimming in the little angel’s eyes begin to trickle down her cheeks, “Monica, my little angel, please listen to me.  Don’t let anyone take your incredible free spirit away from you.  There is no one, NO ONE any better qualified to help someone than you are.  Your compassion, your bravery, your tender heart, the love that radiates from you, baby, it’s amazing and they are qualities that I love so much about you; Qualities that the Father gave to you when He created you.  Don’t let anyone snuff those out, baby.  Please.  I beg you.”

A small sob escaped her as she threw herself into his arms and buried her face against the nape of his neck and all Andrew could do was to hold her tightly and say a silent prayer for her healing.  The pain in her heart ran so deep that he could feel it radiating within his own soul and he was desperate to help her, “Monica please, I love you so much.  Just let me help you.  Tell me what is hurting you so much.”

“Can’t…” She wept softly, “I can’t yet.  I’m so ashamed, Andrew.”

“Angel, though I don’t know what happened, as sure I’m holding you; I know you did nothing to be ashamed of.” Turning his head, he kissed her temple repeatedly, “Shh.  It’s going to be all right, Angel Girl.”

Andrew held her until her tears subsided and even then, she didn’t let go of him.  His words to her ran through her head like a mantra: she was brave, she was confident, she was compassionate.  The only problem was that she didn’t feel like she was any of those things right now.

*****

Monica’s eyelashes fluttered the next morning before her sleepy eyes opened and she realized she was in bed.  She hadn’t remembered even coming upstairs last night.  Her last memory was of sitting on the couch in Andrew’s arms as he stroked her hair.  She must have drifted off and he had brought her up to bed. 

Her heart ached at the worry she was causing him.  She so wanted to tell him all about John; his anger, his problems, and how he had thought so little of her, of her message to him, to reach out and strike her.  The painful memory brought her great shame, to be belittled in such a cruel way was not anything she had ever experienced before.  The blow had brought her humiliation and for the first time she could remember, she truly felt genuine dislike for one of God’s children. 

Getting out of bed, Monica walked over to her window.  The sun was just rising over the lake and she sighed.  She needed to snap herself out of this; she needed to move past her last assignment.  Andrew was right.  She wasn’t feeling very confident in any of her abilities and she knew that wasn’t like her.  She was ignoring who God created her to be and that wasn’t right, or even mildly angelic.

Staring at the lake, she made up her mind.  Grabbing her swimsuit, from where it hung drying over a chair, she rushed into the bathroom to change into it.  Then, grabbing a towel, she slipped down the stairs quietly.  Any other time, she would have woken Andrew, but Monica knew she needed to do this on her own.  It was a little thing, really, but she felt as if it was something she simply had to do. At least it would be a start.

As she slipped a toe into the water, she felt a little shiver go through her.  The water wasn’t nearly as warm this early in the morning as it had been yesterday afternoon, but she forced herself to move forward anyway.  Andrew had tried to teach her how to swim on several different occasions and though she had always felt a wee bit doubtful, she tried now to drive those thoughts from her mind.

Monica moved slowly through the water until it was up to her neck, then ignoring her rapidly beating heart, she drew in a deep breath and dove below the surface.

It was so cold!

The little angel resurfaced with a gasp, but was still determined to prove to herself that she could swim. Recalling the strokes Andrew had taught her, she began to swim across the lake, only focused on the task at hand.

Ten minutes later, she stopped swimming to catch her breath and that was when she realized she could no longer touch the bottom of the lake.  Struggling to tread water, despite how tired she suddenly felt, Monica looked back to shore and realized how far she had come.  She was nearly in the middle of the lake!  Feeling a growing sense of panic, the little angel began to paddle back towards shore, but the effort of swimming so far and of using muscles she hadn’t used before in her human form took its toll on her body as a terrible cramp in her leg suddenly took her breath away.

Desperately, she struggled to keep her head above water, but kicking was so painful that for a moment, she sank below the surface, fighting with her arms to get back out of the water in order to fill her lungs with air.  At the moment when she felt certain her lungs would surely burst, Monica gave one more frantic attempt and broke the surface with an audible gasp.  She was sobbing now, certain that drowning, her greatest fear was inevitable.  As she slipped back beneath the water, her cries caused water to fill her throat. 

She was fighting as hard as she could and it still wasn’t enough. The fleeting question crossed her mind about if angels could truly die as just then, she felt strong arms grab hold of her and then she was breaking the surface and gasping and coughing.

Andrew had felt her panic in his sleep and had hurtled himself out of bed in a desperate search for the little angel.  It was the Father alone, who had directed him to the lake and not a moment too soon.

“I’ve got you, Monica.  Relax.  You’re all right.”  He swam with one arm while the other supported her and kept her head above the water.  It was a wonder he could even speak with his heart racing as fast as it was.  He had raced out of the cabin and had seen the little angel, yards away from him, struggling to stay above water.  It was a memory he was certain he’d have nightmares about for weeks.

Andrew carried her out of the water and setting her on her feet in the sand, he grabbed her towel and wrapped it around her, noticing how badly she was shivering and he knew it was from fear as well as the cold water.  His trembling hands grasped her shoulders and then rested on either side of her head, “Monica?  Are you all right?”

The cramp was now gone though she was shaking so badly she wasn’t sure how she was standing, “Y…yes.” She managed to say, trying in vain to calm herself.  She had never felt that frightened before, ever.  What had she been thinking to go out in the lake on her own?

But a very terrified Andrew was having the same thoughts and his words came out in a rush of anger only fueled by his fear for her safety, “What were you thinking?  Why would you not wake me up before you went out in the lake?  You never swim alone, Monica, ever!  You know that!  Do you have any idea of how it felt to see you out there?  To be so afraid that I wouldn’t get to you in time?”  He removed his hands from her head to run them through his own hair in frustration, “Why?  Why would you do something so foolish?  Water scares you so why on earth would you go out there alone?”

She knew he was scared.  She knew it with her whole heart.  His ranting was just a product of his racing heart and his fear, but still, all she could hear was John yelling at her when she had attempted to bring God’s message to him.  Monica opened her mouth to speak, but no words would come.

Andrew blinked, unable to believe she was offering him nothing and he was not yet thinking rationally enough to see the distress deepen in her dark eyes.  Running his hands over his face to alleviate the water that insisted on dripping down into his eyes, he then raised them in frustration, preparing to scold her once again.  But what happened next caused him to completely freeze and for his stomach to twist in such a way he thought for certain he’d be sick.

As his hands had moved from his face, Monica had gasped and then closed her eyes as if anticipating pain, even as her hands moved up to block her face.  Sobs of fear and great hurt were escaping her and she never saw the horror and shame that were clearly written across Andrew’s face.

He finally knew.  In her terrible reaction, Andrew knew what had happened on her last assignment; what had been eating away at her little by little.  The fearful anger drained from him immediately and his voice dropped to a whisper, “Oh Monica…”

His tone sounded like pity to her and she could hardly bear it.  Andrew now knew her greatest humiliation and all she could do was to cover her mouth with her hand and turn away, walking towards the cabin on still trembling legs.

*****

Andrew felt rooted to the spot for a moment as anger for the one who had inflicted such pain on one he loved so much welled up inside of him.  But he knew he couldn’t deal with his own feelings now.  Monica was by now inside the cabin and he summoned all his courage to turn and hurry up through the sand to find her.

A few minutes later, he stood outside her bedroom door, listening to sobs that shook him to his core.  He knocked and took her lack of response as an indication to enter. 

She had changed out of her wet swim suit and back into her pajamas, and was now sitting on the bed, frantically wiping at the tears on her face as she saw him enter.  Monica felt positively sick to her stomach; both for the fear she had put Andrew through and the devastation she felt at reacting to him as if he would strike her.  She knew he never would, never in a million years, but the memories of that fateful day with John had just been so strong.  She had been unable to speak outside, but now she knew she had to give him something; hurting him had never been one of her options.

“I…I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have done that; shouldn’t have gone out into the lake without you…I thought I could do it, but then I got a cramp and I hadn’t realized how far out I had swam.  I never meant to frighten you…I’m just so sorry, Andrew.”

His heart was aching as he sat down on the bed beside of her. Her eyes were red-rimmed and glassy with unshed tears and he didn’t miss the way her slight body trembled though he wasn’t certain if it was from cold or fear or just pure emotion.

“Baby, I know that and I was scared and my fear came out in a way I wish it hadn’t. I just…I couldn’t understand why you would go out there to begin with when you have so much fear of the water.”  He so wanted to hold her, but right now she was talking and he wanted to keep her talking so that the truth might finally come.

Her dark eyes were downcast as she stared at her hands, unable to meet his tender gaze, “I wanted to prove something to myself.  You were right last night; I don’t trust myself right now and I’m not feeling like there is much I can do right at the moment,” Her lips trembled and Monica took a moment to try to compose herself enough to speak once more, “My last assignment, it was awful, Andrew.  I…I failed.  John wouldn’t listen to me, but it was much worse than that.”

Slowly, Andrew’s hand came up to rest against the back of her head, hair still wet from the lake, “Angel, you know that sometimes even if they aren’t ready to hear us, God’s words can still make an impact later.  It’s happened like that so many times.”

“I know that, I do.  But John, he was so angry, all the time, so it wasn’t just that he wouldn’t listen to me, he got really angry with me…” She looked up, staring at an invisible spot across the room as the tears pooled in her eyes and Andrew could tell that she was struggling to finish.  Her jaw was working nervously as she struggled to hold back sobs of shame and humiliation and felt his own eyes moisten at the pain in her expression.

“He was really angry,” Monica continued after a moment, “And he…” Her chin trembled and the tears overflowed from her eyes, “…and he hit me.”

The floodgates opened, but before she could bury her face in her hands, Andrew tugged her into his protective embrace, trying to shield her from the pain in her own heart.  Her body wretched with the strong bottled up emotions that finally poured from her in the way of violent broken sobs.  With one hand against her head, he pillowed her beneath his chin.  Though he had been certain outside, moments ago of what her assignment had done, hearing the words from her lips caused a mixture of anger and deep, deep pain in his heart.  Her own heart was so tender and so trusting and she had always felt such certainty in the words the Father gave her for each assignment that rejection alone always hurt her, but the physical pain that had accompanied that rejection this time had caused a splintering in her spirit.

“I’m so sorry,” Andrew whispered as he kissed the crown of her head repeatedly, “My sweet little angel, I’m just so sorry.”

Monica’s shoulders heaved with the pent up emotions she was finally able to release, the pain coming out in a torrent of tears.  But despite the despair and grief in her gentle heart, there was also great relief; that Andrew knew, that his arms were around her and he was holding her and that he understood.  It was all that mattered right now.  It was the only thing that mattered.

He held her for a long time, whispering words of his love and devotion to her as his hand stroked her hair and her back, trying to bring her some small comfort.  Andrew didn’t realize just how much he was doing for her, simply by holding her and wrapping his love around her in a tangible way, but he did know that she was holding onto him just as tightly.

As her crying jag began to wind down, Andrew could feel the weariness that infected her entire body and he moved just enough to lie back in the bed with her in his arms, his free hand settling the blanket over them.  It was still early and he had a feeling Monica had not been sleeping properly to begin with.

“Andrew…this morning…I’m so sorry-.”

“Shh,” He whispered, moving to kiss her forehead, “We’ll talk later, baby.  Right now, I just want you to rest.”

Monica sniffled, “Okay,” Her voice sounded like that of a little child, obediently doing what was asked of her.  She could feel Andrew’s heart beating beneath her ear, could feel his strong arms around her and his lips brushing against her hair every few seconds and her exhausted body melded against his.

As her eyelids began to droop, Andrew gave her a gentle squeeze, “I love you so much, precious angel.”