CHAPTER 20

“How’s she doing?” Paul asked quietly as he came in the door, his eyes darting over to the little angel, a bit relieved to see that she had decided to get out of bed at the very least.

Andrew gave a slight shake of his head, “I’m not even sure at the moment, Paul. She seems to be holding her own, but I can tell when there are unsaid things going on in her mind and she definitely has that going on at the moment.” He led Paul inside and over to where Kristin and his two angelic friends were talking, “Kristin, this is a friend of ours, Paul Gatlin. Paul, this is Kristin…” He hesitated briefly before adding, “She’s David’s wife.”

Paul decided against expressing his deepest sympathy as he accepted her hand and gave it a gentle shake, “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Kristin.” Always a quick and usually accurate judge of people, he could clearly see the sorrow in her eyes and he was certain it was over the violence her husband had taken against Monica.”

“You too, Paul,” She replied as she released his hand and managed to rise to her feet, “But for now I need to get going. I have things to do and that way you all can visit with each other,” She managed a smile before she turned once more to Monica, “I’m sorry,” She whispered, taking the angel’s hand and giving it a gentle squeeze.

“Don’t be,” Monica told her solemnly, “None of it is your fault.”

Kristin nodded her head slightly as she let go of Monica’s hand and turned to smile at the others, “I’ll see you all later. Nice meeting you, Paul.”

As Kristin closed the door behind her, Tess looked over at the agent, “Were you able to speak with Beth, baby?”

The guilt that flashed in Paul’s eyes did not go unnoticed by Monica and she immediately knew that Paul had done much more then just talk to Beth to let her know she was not coming in tonight, and she lowered her eyes sadly.

“Yeah, I did,” He replied, his eyes never leaving the Irish angel, as he flexed the fingers of his right hand that were behind his back.

Tess had always been observent and to the point and this time was no exception, “Why do I get the feeling that you did more than talk to Beth?”

Monica looked up, her eyes holding a combination of hurt and accusation which she directed at her human friend, which in turn made him feel terrible. The last thing he had wanted to do was to upset her further, but he had always had a knack for doing that or so it seemed.

Sensing the tension that was now abundant in the room, Tess turned and headed back to the kitchen, “Dinner will be ready shortly. Andrew, care to give me a hand?”

Andrew looked worried, unsure if leaving Monica alone with Paul right now was a good idea. It was obvious that Paul had at the very least, hit David and that his dearest friend was feeling completely betrayed, not to mention vulnerable. But on the other hand, the last thing he wanted for Paul and Monica to not work out their differences. He gave her what he hoped was an encouraging smile before he followed Tess into the kitchen.

There was an awkward silence between them for a moment, before the agent slowly made his way over to the sofa and took a seat beside of her, “I’m sorry,” He offered, knowing that didn’t begin to touch how terribly he suddenly felt for breaking a promise to her.

The little angel looked up and met her eyes with his and Paul was further dismayed by the tears that shone in them, “Why is it that nothing I say anymore seems to have any impact on anyone?” She asked softly, her feelings from the mirror coming to the surface once more, “Everyone just pushes me aside, not caring about how it makes me feel to be disregarded.”

“Honey, I would never disregard you and I didn’t do what I did to hurt you,” Paul started to explain, but she cut him off abruptly.

“What you did hurt more than what David did, Paul. I trusted you.”

Her admission caused his heart to swell and break simultaneously. He watched in agony as she looked away from him to hide her tears and he wasn’t sure of when the last time had been that he felt about two inches tall. She had been betrayed so much lately and he was anything but proud that he had been amongst those to do that, despite his earlier satisfaction at the look of fear on David’s face. Now he had no idea of what to say, but he knew that he’d better think of something quickly.

“You know, when I was but a rookie with the agency, we had to go through weeks of training. Rigerous exercise, building of body strength, multiple tests of endurance that would leave me wanting to sleep for days on end once they were over,” His voice was soft and he forced himself to keep talking, knowing she was at least listening, “We learned a tecnique they called ‘React then Reassess’, simply meaning that in a situation of life or death, whether that life be your own or that of the person you are protecting, you didn’t always have time to think. The few moments it may take to do that could be enough to get you or someone else killed. So we learned to react first and once the immediate danger was done, then was the time to reassess the situation and decide where to go from there and if your initial reaction had been the right one.”

”I don’t see what this had to do with breaking a promise to me,” Monica stated as he paused briefly, still never meeting his expression, though he could hear the tears in her voice and he understood them. He had spent his life protecting people who were made to feel like victims and he knew it was far from a pleasant feeling.

“’React, then Reassess’ has also followed me into my personal life as well unfortunately,” He continued, as he found himself silently praying for her to understand. Now that he knew she had trusted him, it was not something he was going to give up easily, “I fell in love with Lauren and I really should have thought about that one before diving in head first. Loving her made me careless, though not intentionally. There were just too many other emotions in the way for me to see as clearly as I should have been seeing,” He pushed away the memory, knowing it had needed to be said, but now needing to move away from it, “I nearly did the same thing with you, as you know all too well,” He could just see the tiniest glimpse of a smile on her lips before it faded, but that fleeting second gave him some hope that he could fix this.

“The other thing you know is that I’ve spend years protecting people and this has also followed me around. Whether I’m getting paid or not, to see someone hurting doesn’t fare well with me, especially when it is someone I happen to care about. So my intention today at O’Reilly’s was to simply talk to David and maybe scare the hell out of him if he so much as even considered laying a finger on you again. But when I saw him, I reacted first and hit him because he had hurt someone that I care about,” He grinned slightly, “I have a feeling that if Andrew wasn’t an angel, he would have been right there with me with a pretty fierce left hook, but I knew he couldn’t do that.”

Once again, a little smile appeared before it faded and he took a chance and reached for her hand, relieved when she didn’t pull away, “I didn’t regret it at the time, honey, as hurting you should not have been an option for David. However, in ressessing the situation, I realized that hurting you shouldn’t be an option for anyone, including me.”

Monica sighed very softly and closed her eyes, dark lashes fluttering tremulously against her cheeks. Her heart still hurt, but there was no denying that Paul was genuinely sorry for what he had done. After the past traumatic month she had some idea of what it felt like to act without thinking. She had done it herself more than once.

She looked up and saw his eyes following her every move, and they held apprehension as he waited for her to speak. She was an angel and there was no way she could withhold forgiveness, but the truth of the matter was that she would have forgiven him even if she hadn’t been an angel. She cared too much for him to even consider anything else. He seemed to sense her decision and a slight spark lit his eyes.

“It doesn’t hurt any less, but thank you for explaining everything to me,” she said slowly.

Paul leaned forward but he made no move to touch her. “Monica, I am so sorry. I wish I had more words… whatever it takes to gain your forgiveness… I swear I’ll do it.”

“You already have it.” She could see that her words surprised him. “All I ask is that you please, please try not to do anything like that again.” She carefully avoided using the word promise.

“If I have to handcuff myself to a chair, I’ll do it,” Paul answered. “I will not raise another hand to him, scout‘s honor.” He held up his right hand in the old boy scout salute and felt real relief begin the trickle in when a very small and lopsided grin curled up the corners of her mouth and stayed there.

Monica noticed how he remained slightly distant, not allowing his fingertips to even brush her hand although for a moment it looked like he was about to grab it and hold it tight. “I don’t know much about scout’s honor, but I wouldn’t mind a little hug,” she said, wanting and needing to get them back on firm footing with one another.

She didn’t have to ask him twice as within a moment he had moved closer and wrapped his arms around her small shoulders. He was infinitely careful, not wanting to cause her any pain at all, and forgiveness had never felt so wonderful or so tangible as when she relaxed in his arms and hugged him back. For a split-second it was Lauren in his embrace once more, and her forgiveness for letting her die that was being given. No. He didn’t deserve that yet, but soon. Soon he would have the man responsible and maybe then he would be able to believe in true and complete absolution.

“I hope everyone’s headed to the table,” Tess called from the kitchen, “because dinner is done and here at Tess’ restaurant we don’t hold for any stragglers.”

Paul’s chuckle rumbled in his chest and through Monica’s ear, making her smile. “Sounds like she means business,” he said as he pulled away.

“Oh she does. Tess is very serious about food,” she said with a wink and the two of them quickly took their places at the table. “It all smells wonderful,” she said as Tess and Andrew entered, carrying trays crowded with serving dishes full of food.

“Well, thank you, baby,” Tess smiled. “I hope you like everything.”

“I always like whatever you cook.” She reached out to serve herself from each of the dishes, from chicken pot pie to macaroni and cheese. It was an eclectic selection, but she recognized what Tess had been trying to do. Each of the dishes was one of her favorites and she realized with some surprise that she was actually quite hungry.

Only Tess noticed that after the first few bites the Irish angel started spending more time pushing the food around than actually eating it. “Excuse me, everyone,” she said. “I just remembered one more dish I left in the kitchen.” She reappeared less than a minute later with a large bowl. “Minestrone, your favorite,” she said as she set it down beside Monica’s full plate. “There’s more in the kitchen for anyone else who wants it,” she continued as she sat down again.

Monica had thought she was doing a reasonably good job of hiding the fact that eating, at the moment, was somewhat painful for her. She glanced up at Tess quickly, her gratitude met with a slight nod of the head. Andrew and Paul were both eating, but Tess had noticed her discomfort, had even anticipated it. She smiled inwardly, feeling so blessed to be surrounded by those who cared so much about her. “Lord,” she prayed silently, “I haven’t felt like doing much besides question You lately, but please know my heart. Know how grateful I am for everything you have given and shown me. I will never fully understand all Your ways, but I know that at their beginning and end is love.”

The dinner conversation was carefully steered away from any topics that dealt with David, bars, broken doors, and rogue agents, and if Paul and Andrew noticed that Monica had chosen not to finish the food on her plate, neither of them was insensitive enough to mention it. Instead they all concentrated on making Monica feel relaxed and comfortable, at least for a little while. Andrew even managed to hold his tongue when the little angel offered to help Tess with the dishes.

“She’s pretty stubborn,” Paul said, jerking his head in the direction of the kitchen as he and Andrew were relegated to waiting in the living room.

“Very,” he replied, shaking his head, “and lately I can hardly keep up with what she’s decided to be stubborn about. Two days ago she was determined to leave. Now she’s determined to stay. All of these emotions are really wearing her out.”

“Sounds like they’re wearing you out too, buddy. You’ve got some circles under your eyes that almost match hers.”

He shrugged. “She hasn’t been sleeping… so neither have I… and I’m afraid that isn’t going to change anytime soon.” His lips pressed together in a frown. “I’m still having a hard time forgiving myself for not being here this morning. She was so tired last night that she just fell right to sleep and I thought I’d try to do the same.” His expression showed exactly what he thought of that decision.

“Not your fault,” Paul said firmly. “If you angels have one fault it’s trying to take responsibility for things you have no control over.”

Andrew smirked. “Yeah, I seem to remember calling Monica on that once or twice,” He grew serious, “but it’s hard to think about finding her up here, all alone with him, and not blame myself for not being here.”

The agent nodded. He hadn’t been anywhere nearby and he still felt a twinge of guilt for not somehow knowing she was in trouble. “I admit it can be tough, but don’t dwell on it.”

“I’m trying. I know that’s the last thing she needs.” He paused for a second before going on, voice lowered. “I think the other thing that’s been bothering me is actually worse.”

“Worse? What are you talking about?”

Andrew took a breath. “You had your chance with David today and for better or worse you took it.”

“Definitely worse,” Paul said, face grim. “I broke my promise to her.”

“But it felt good at the time, didn’t it?” Paul didn’t answer immediately, but Andrew knew what the reply would be. “Let’s just say that when I found him with her there was only a tiny thread keeping me from doing the same thing… and even now I don’t think I can trust myself to be in the same room with him. I’m angry all the time, Paul. At McArthur, at David, at whoever broke in here… and it isn’t something I’m used to.”

Though Andrew appeared calm, it didn’t take much for Paul to sense his distress and he pondered it thoughtfully. What he knew about angels did contradict all this one was feeling, but on the other hand, it was Monica who was being hurt, so to him, that made it more or less understandable, “With your status and all…if you need some time to cool off, I can take up residence at O’Reilly’s for the remainder of this week until I’m placed on assignment,” He scowled slightly, not liking the idea of leaving when the little angel was in the middle of such a difficult situation and Andrew seemed to be needing an ear to bend. Then there was the fact that he needed to solve Lauren’s case, for her sake as well as Monica’s.

Andrew sighed softly and shook his head, “We’ll see. She depends on me, just like she is growing to depend on you, despite the fact that she doesn’t want to have to depend on anyone other than God. Bottom line is that there is nothing that I wouldn’t do for her, including finding a way to control my temper around her assignment. There are too many things going on in her mind and heart for me to not be there for the times when she is ready to voice them.”

He nodded his head in agreement, “She feels disregarded as she said as much to me before dinner,” He watched Andrew’s brow furrow as he decided to elaborate, having dealt with a wide range of emotions in numerous witnesses, “David doesn’t even know her and he judged her, and hurt her and she is struggling for a reason that he feels that way. Fact is, it isn’t about her at all, but about David, but his hurting her made it about her in her mind. He has suddenly made it that this has nothing to do with her trying to help him, but about her worth in general.”

The angel’s eyes widened, not liking what he was hearing and almost unable to fathom that the once confident angel now felt this way about herself. He supposed it made sense and would be the normal progression for the way her emotions had been running, but he liked this emotion least of all and that he was going to have to ##### it in the bud quickly before it had a chance to blossom and grow.

Paul read his saddened expression and knew he needed to say something as none of them could afford for Andrew to get discouraged, “She’ll be all right, buddy. It may take time, but this assignment surely cannot last forever.”

Looking up, Andrew met his eyes with Paul’s, “You’ve only ever seen a glimpse of who she really is, Paul. Vibrant doesn’t really begin to describe the way she once was. She looked at the world with child-like innocence and awe; it was a blessing to see, almost magical. When she spoke God’s truth, her assignments had no choice but to listen to her as it was spoken with such compassion and such love…I want that back, for her as well as for myself.”

Paul listened intently, surprisingly aware of what he was talking about. He had caught many a glimpse of Monica’s innocence back on the farm after they had first met and little by little he had seen that trait pushed further and further away. He remembered her delight when the kittens had first been discovered, much like a kid on Christmas morning and now that Andrew had mentioned it, he realized that he missed that about her as well.

“You know, something I’ve felt really badly about is making things so tough on you two before when we were protecting her,” The agent commented honestly, “She needed you and I made that more than difficult. It was no wonder she wandered off a few times as she was probably feeling lost in every way that counted,” He let a quirky grin cross his face, “Of course at the time, I thought you and I might be fighting to the death for who would win her over.”

Andrew chuckled, the sound and the feeling a great relief, “Well, there was that. But no, we found ways to talk as God makes everything possible,” His expression turned pensive then, “I just hope He makes Monica see that bit of truth soon.”