CHAPTER 1

The flash of the camera went off once more and Monica flinched, the first movement she had really made since Tess and a nurse had led her back to an exam room.  She felt completely numb and had not uttered a sound as the female doctor had cleaned and bandaged the surface wound that the knife had made on her hip.  Her clothing had been taken from her and each item had been placed in a bag and all that covered her at the moment was a thin sheet and she found herself shivering violently once more.

“Sue, can you grab a warm blanket?” Dr. Jenkins asked softly of the nurse who was in the room with them, “We’ll get you warmed up in just a minute, Monica.”

The doctor’s voice was kind, but Monica didn’t even seem to hear her, anymore than she seemed to feel Tess’ hand stroking her hair.  Her brown eyes remained focused on the ceiling, unable to meet with those of her supervisor’s.  She was exhausted, but every inch of her body hurt and she longed to be able to somehow crawl out of her own skin. 

“Monica, we need to do a pelvic exam and take some fluid samples.  Do you want your friend to stay?” The doctor was surprised to see her young patient shaking her head.

“Baby?” Tess tried to meet the little angel’s eyes again, but failed miserably.

“Just go, please?” The plea was but a whisper.  She had never felt such intense shame and she couldn’t bear for anyone she loved to be present for it.

The older angel nodded silently turning to leave before turning back once more, “Whatever you are thinking, Angel Girl, you could not be more wrong,” The words were gentle and filled with great love, but the younger angel didn’t ever acknowledge them.

“We’ll get started in just a minute, Monica.”

She heard the doctor’s words and heard her follow Tess out of the room, closing the door behind her.  She could hear them talking softly in the hallway, but made no attempt to listen to what it was they were saying.  Monica almost regretted her decision, having never felt so alone.  God had abandoned her, of this she was certain.  There was no other explaination for this to have happened.

*****

Andrew looked up from his pacing as he saw Tess walk slowly around the corner and towards him.  He felt a little calmer, the time alone having convinced him of some things.  The worst had not happened.  Yes, she had been attacked, but had gotten away in time.  Yes, it had terrified her, but in a day or so, Monica would be just fine.

Tess’ expression was vying to tell him overwise, “How is she?”

The older angel sat down and motioned for him to join her.  He looked undecided for a moment before sitting down rigidly in the chair next to her, “I’m not sure of how she is, Andrew.  She won’t look at me, she won’t speak to me, other than to ask me to leave while they did her exam.”

“What do they think they are going to find, Tess?” He was stubbornly hanging onto his theory, unable to accept the alternative.

She looked at him for a moment, seeing what he was doing as she reached for his hand and held it tightly, “Andrew, Monica was raped.  From what her doctor said, judging by the bruises on her body, it was a violent attack. She-.”

“They’re wrong!” His outburst caused the other angel’s eyes to widen as well as to sadden, “God would not let this happen to her, Tess!  Not to Monica!” His eyes were wild with anger as he rose to his feet again, for the first time in his existence feeling the urge to curse, but he held the words in check, “Maybe to some other angel, but not to her!”

She watched him in silence for a moment, knowing she needed to calm him, for his own sake, as well as for Monica’s.  His anger would not serve her in any way and eventually, she would be looking to him for comfort, just as she always did, “Angel Boy, we may not understand it, but we cannot deny it, anymore than that little angel back in that exam room can.  The betrayal, pain and shame she must be feeling right now is unimaginable to me, but she will need us to be strong for her, until she can be again,” His jaw was tight as he stared down the hall towards her room and Tess approached and gently placed her hands on his arms, “As much as it hurts, Andrew, she is going to need the compassionate strength she knows she can find in you and I know you will not disappoint her.”

He felt tears sting his eyes and he blinked several times to force them back, “I don’t understand this, Tess.  So she was in the wrong place.  So what?  He couldn’t have stopped this?” 

Tess felt powerless to answer him, having been asking herself the same questions, “I don’t know what the Father’s plan is, Andrew.  I’m just trusting that it will be revealed to us in time.”

“How could this have been a plan?” The harshness in his voice shocked him and he forced himself to calm down.  The broken appearance of his dearest friend was still foremost in his mind, and the way she had wildly fought against him.  Monica had wedged herself into the corner of Tess’ car, not speaking, not looking at either of them for the ride to the hospital, as tears had continued to course down her face.  Her expression had nearly destroyed him and he knew of no way to make it any better for her and that devestated him even more.

Sensing he was calming, Tess looked away briefly to hide tears of her own as she offered up pleading prayers for one small angel and the days that were yet to come.

*****

The exam was finished and a female police officer had come and gone, but the angel had refused to speak, in no way willing nor able to relive the events from earlier that night.  The officer had been kind and had handed her a card with her number on it, explaining that when she was ready to talk, to please call so that they could find the man who had done this.  Monica couldn’t even think of identifying the man; she never wanted to see him again.

The doctor and the rape counsellor had left her alone with a change of clothes and access to the shower and now she walked stiffly and painfully to it, and turned on the water, making it as hot as she could bear.  She allowed the hot water to run over her mud caked hair before she reached for the soap and wash cloth and scrubbed viciously at her body until her skin was all but raw.  Nothing seemed to be able to erase of the feeling of him on her, inside of her and as the sobs came harder, she sank down the shower wall to the floor and gave into them.

*****

Andrew followed Tess and the counsellor down the hallway to Monica’s room some time later as he half listened to the things that Melanie was telling them to expect.  Withdrawal, nightmares, anger, fear, insomnia, loss of appetite, guilt, shame and the list seemed to go on and on.  He was still having trouble putting the words ‘rape’ and ‘Monica’ together and all he wanted right now was to be able to see her and hold her if she would allow it.

Officer Cauldwell had already spoken to them and had left her card with them for when Monica was ready, which told him she still wasn’t really speaking.  Andrew wanted the man caught.  He wanted him caught and brought to him for revenge is what he really wanted, but he was trying not to linger on those thoughts.

“She’s discharged,” Melanie explained as they approached the room, “Take good care of her and feel free to call if you need me.”

“Thank you,” Tess replied, forcing a smile as Melanie departed.  Then she exchanged a look with the angel of death and opened the door.

Monica was sitting on the exam table, a plain gray sweatsuit that was too large for her tiny frame hung on her and to Andrew it looked as out of context as the whole situation felt.  Her head was lowered, damp auburn hair hiding her face and suddenly he couldn’t get to her quickly enough.

“Angel,” He whispered, laying a tentative yet gentle hand on her shoulder.

She never raised her head as she whispered, “Please, don’t touch me.”

But there was no fear of him present in her voice or actions, only intense sadness and shame.  Andrew moved his hand from her shoulder to place both hands on either side of her head.  Then with all the tenderness and love in his being, he kissed her forehead.  She made no attempt to pull away and he watched as she closed her eyes and tears escaped from beneath her dark lashes.

“Let’s get you out of here, baby,” Tess instructed softly and watched as Andrew helped the little angel down from the table.

He then turned his eyes to the older angel, “Tess, where?”

“I’ve already been told, Andrew,” She replied in a hushed tone, though she noticed Monica was beyond listening, “A good place, where that baby can have time and we can have it with her.”

The spring rain left tracks like fat tadpoles as it streaked down the Caddy’s rear window. Monica had taken to following each one with her eyes as it wriggled its way from the top of the window to the bottom before washing away. The rhythmic sound of the windshield wipers lulled her closer and closer to sleep, but every time she closed her eyes she saw his face and her heart pounded so hard it hurt. They had bundled her into the backseat with a blanket and a stiff hospital pillow and told her to sleep. She held the pillow tightly in her arms, protectively covering herself from chin to waist. How could she sleep when she couldn’t close her eyes?

She didn’t know how she would ever be able to sleep again.

They had been driving for almost five hours; ever since leaving the hospital. Every mile took her farther and farther away from the scene of her shame and she welcomed the distance but it couldn’t begin to relieve her pain. She looked into the front seat at Tess and Andrew. They had been almost silent, afraid to upset her. She knew that they didn’t know what to say. What was there to say? She had seen Andrew looking at her in the rearview mirror and each time she had quickly looked out the window before he could ask her how she was doing.

The minutes ticked by and the rain eased off; leaving the earth misty and green. Tess had her window open and Monica could smell lilacs. She looked out the window, wondering where they were and then tightened her grip on the pillow when she saw a familiar house.

“Tess…” her voice was barely above a whisper. “Where are we going?”

Andrew heard fear in her voice and he turned around in his seat to face her. “We’re going to the farm, angel.”

Monica wouldn’t look at his face, instead dropping her gaze to her lap and then looking pleadingly at the back of Tess’ head. “No… I don’t want to go there. Please, can’t we go somewhere else?”

“Paul and Alex will be there,” Andrew tried to convince her. “You know you always look forward to seeing them.”

“Not now,” she whispered. “I… I can’t see them now… I don’t want them to know…” Her voice went up an octave.

“Nothing has changed,” he insisted, wanting to believe it with all his heart. “You just need a rest and this is where God is sending us.”

Monica continued to shake her head. “No, He isn’t! You and Tess just decided where to go, but I don’t want to be here. Please take me somewhere else…” Tears were threatening and she was so tired she was powerless to do anything about them.

Andrew looked at Tess helplessly and the older angel lifted her eyes to the rearview mirror and met Monica’s gaze for a heartbeat. “Angel Girl, we are going exactly where we need to go. The Father wants you to heal and he knows the best place for that to happen.”

Monica opened her mouth, about to say that Tess’ words were a lie. She knew the truth. God didn’t care what happened to her, but she couldn’t tell her friends that. She hadn’t meant for it to happen… she would have given anything to turn back time and go down a different street, but she couldn’t. She had gone down the wrong street and she hadn’t been able to convince that man to stop and God didn’t want anything to do with her now. Her rational mind was trying to tell her how wrong she was; that God loved her just as much as ever, but the screaming in her heart drowned out those soothing words. She slumped against the door and said nothing. As she had suspected, there was nothing to say.

They pulled into the long driveway at the farm and Monica felt herself begin to tremble, then sucked in a shuddering breath and clenched every muscle in her body. It sent a wave of pain through her, but it stopped the shaking. She was in control for a few minutes at least. She would be able to say ‘hello’ and not burst into tears.

“Well, here we are,” Tess said unnecessarily as she shut off the engine.

Andrew quickly got out of the car and opened the back door, offering a hand to Monica and praying that she would take it. She hesitated for a second, but then closed her eyes and held out her hand, waiting for him to close it within his, and trying not to jerk it back when he did. She couldn’t understand how he could still hold it so gently, as if it was something precious.

They walked up to the front door slowly, with Tess leading the way, and Andrew reluctant to give up Monica’s hand now that he finally had it. The older angel only had to knock on the door twice before it swung open, and Paul was there, smiling from ear to ear.

“Tess! Alex said she saw your car coming down the drive but I didn’t believe it!” He backed up and let them all in, hardly believing that they were there. It had been nearly six months since their last visit, the day of the wedding.

“Are you here on assignment?” Alex asked as she ran down the stairs and joined her husband in welcoming them.

“More like a little break,” Tess said, her dark eyes serious although she was smiling. Monica didn’t want them to know, and she couldn’t break that confidence on top of everything else. She knew it would only be a matter of time anyway. Already Paul was looking at the little angel with concern. She hadn’t hugged him yet, and she always hugged him.

“Have you been driving all night?” Alex asked, trying not to look like she was following Monica’s every tremor with her eyes.

“Just about,” Andrew replied, giving Monica’s hand a little squeeze. She pulled it away.

“It’s been a long drive,” she said, and every forced word took an effort, while the cheerful look she had summoned to her face hurt to maintain.

Alex nudged in front of Paul and put an arm around Monica’s shoulders. “Well let’s get you up to bed for a little nap then,” she said.

Monica wanted to say that she knew the way, but Alex was her friend and she obviously just wanted to make her feel at home. As much as she was hurting she couldn’t pull away without raising even more questions.

“We’ve been doing a little redecorating.”

“Really?” she said, trying to concentrate on Alex’s words.

“Yep. Clearing out one of the guestrooms and turning it into a nursery.”

“A nursery!” Monica’s eyes opened wider.

Alex chuckled. “I’m not pregnant yet,” she assured her, “but you know Paul. He likes to be on top of things!”

She guided Monica into the room she had always stayed in, and watched as Monica turned slowly and looked at everything as if committing it to memory. The angel was still trying to smile, but it was faltering and Alex saw the pain and grief it was masking. She stepped forward and ducked her head.

“Are you all right, Monica?”

The angel inhaled quickly and nodded, trying to smile again and biting her lip at the same time. The lip was already broken and sore from the previous night and she struggled to control herself.

“Just tired, that’s all,” she insisted. Surely God didn’t care if she lied now.

“Okay, well you come on down after your nap. I’m so glad you’re here.” She unexpectedly took the small angel into her arms, and when she felt that small body tense and flinch away she felt her heart breaking.

She left the room quickly and shut the door, then made her way downstairs and into the kitchen, the usual gathering place.

Paul and the two angels were sitting around the table drinking coffee. Paul still had a hint of concern in his eyes, but Tess was rambling about a past assignment, and Andrew was staring into his cup.

“When did it happen?” she interrupted.

Andrew and Tess’ eyes flew to Alex’s face while Paul’s brow furrowed.  He rose to his feet to pour a cup of coffee for his wife, as he turned his eyes to her, “When did what happen?”

Alex met her eyes with her husband’s.  She knew how much he loved the little angel who had saved his life and brought him to God and she hated to say what it was she was almost certain of.  Her own heart was breaking as it was, “Monica…she’s been raped, Paul.”

The mug in his hand shattered to the floor as her words registered in his mind.  He turned his eyes, filled with fury to Andrew and Tess and could see in their faces that it was the truth, “Son of a bitch!” His fist was through the wall a second later.  He had to direct the complete rage at something and rage was what he felt.  The angel was like a little sister to him and someone had hurt her in a way he could not fathom.  He could see it all too clearly now, the broken, detached look in her dark eyes as they had avoided his own, “When?  Who did this to her?  I’ll kill the bastard with my bare hands!”

“You need to calm down, baby,” Tess stated softly, praying that Monica was not overhearing his words.  She watched as Alex went to his side and took his hand, making sure he had not done any damage and she could feel the tension that had engulfed his entire body.

“When?” His voice was low and demanding and the agent was all but shaking in anger.

“Tonight.  Ten hours ago maybe,” The older angel replied, her eyes watching as Andrew returned his gaze to the table, “She got lost on her way to an assignment and wound up on a bad side of town.  Andrew found her in a shed and we took her to the hospital.”

“Who did this to her?”

“She won’t speak of it.  The most she has spoken was when she realized we were coming here.  She didn’t want you to know.”

Tess’ words broke his heart and a moment later he was taking long strides down the hallway to Monica’s room.  She may want to suffer in silence but he was not about to allow it.  The little angel was dear to him and he had seen too many victims of rape withdraw so far that they never came back.  It was not about to happen to her, not if he could help it.

He stopped outside of her closed door and fought back angry tears at the sound of her quiet sobbing.  He knocked softly first, not expecting an answer, but not wanting to startle her, before he opened the door.  She was sitting cross legged on her bed, pillow clutched to her small body as she wept into it.  He wanted to kill the bastard…slowly.  Even then, he was certain it would only add up to a fraction of what Monica was feeling.

He approached her carefully, trying to ready himself for anything.  He sat down on the edge of the bed and made no move to touch her, though he wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms, “Sweetheart?” She didn’t even raise her head and he noticed then the way she was shaking.  Ten hours had done little to calm her, “I know what happened, honey.  Alex guessed.  Tess and Andrew didn’t tell us; they would never betray your trust like that.” There was still no reaction and his need to comfort and protect was becoming urgent, “Monica, look at me, please?”

“I..can’t…” the words were a tearful whimper as she clutched the pillow tighter up against her chest.

Gently, he reached out and touched her cheek, “Honey, please?” He waited for a moment before she slowly raised her head and for a split second, met his eyes before looking away.  But it was long enough and her expressive eyes spoke volumes.  He saw the deep bruise on her face and struggled to control his anger, “None of this was your fault, little angel.”

She shook her head, the tears never ceasing to fall, “I..was in the wrong place again…I guess…it was time I learned…”

“No.” His voice was firm and he saw her flinch and shrink back as he cursed himself for his tone, “No, Monica,” He repeated more softly, “That is not how God works.  You know that.”

“He…didn’t help…me…”

Paul closed his eyes at the assumptions she was making.  No matter how many times he had heard such things before from victims, this time was by far the most difficult.  He knew he was not going to change her mind tonight.

“Go, Paul…please…this is too hard…”

He lowered his eyes, loathe to leave her alone in her pain, but not knowing what else to do for her right now.  Looking back up, he saw a silhouette in the doorway.

“The hospital gave these to Tess,” Alex said softly as she entered the room with a small bottle of pills and a glass of water, “She needs to sleep, Paul.  She’s exhausted.”

Paul moved out of the way, knowing Monica would be more comfortable with Alex right now.  He watched as his wife coaxed the little angel to take the tablet and helped her shaking hands hold the water glass.  Alex was speaking softly to her as she helped Monica to lie down and pulled the quilt up over her, and she grabbed a spare afghan from the chair as well, hoping that the extra warmth would help still the incessent shaking. 

“Monica, I’ll stay with you if you’d like,” Alex offered softly, but the angel shook her head and the agent sighed.  She could only pray that the pill would work for her and allow her body to rest.

*****

“How is she?” Andrew asked as Paul walked out into the living room.  He had passed Tess in the hallway, who had stated she was going to catch a nap, so he had gone in search of Andrew.

He was unsure as to how to answer, “I don’t know…not good, but that is to be expected.  She’s finally asleep, though I don’t know for how long.”

“Did she say anything?” Andrew was desperate for any small tidbit of information, as his best friend was offering none to him.

“She’s blaming herself,” His voice was low and quiet and he saw the pain that flashed in Andrew’s eyes, “She’s always blamed so many things on her not being where she was supposed to be, so this is no exception.  I may be mistaken, but she seems to think God was trying to teach her a lesson.”

“How could she think that?” Andrew uttered, running a tired hand through his hair, “She knows better than that…”

“She can’t even fathom completely yet, Andrew, that this happened to her.  She needs to start talking soon though.  The longer she is silent, the less of a chance that this bastard is found.”

The angel turned away, watching out the window as the sun rose a fraction higher in the sky.  Monica wasn’t the only one having trouble fathoming this turn of events.  Her pain had wrapped itself around his heart ever since he had found her and was holding his heart in a near death grip with its intensity.