CHAPTER 13

There were definate changes over the next few days and Monica made note of each and every one.  No, her sadness, grief and shame did not miraculously disappear once she had allowed Andrew to see into the darkest recesses of her heart, but she knew that he now fully understood the things that were going on inside of her.  He had felt what she had been so afraid to show him, and his understanding was helping her more than anything else had so far.

If anyone had told her before that her relationship with the angel of death would deepen, she wouldn’t have been able to believe it as the bond that they had shared over the years had been one of the most amazing things in her existence.  But now, in light of what she had shown him, the most incredible relationship of her existence seemed to move to another level entirely.  Where before he had been fiercely protective, now she could clearly feel his love for her wrapping itself around her heart constantly, never for a moment letting her forget how he felt about her in the event that she were to doubt it. 

He knew that what she had had shared with him, she was not willing to share with anyone else.  Though she dearly loved Tess, Paul and Alex, it was just not something she could ever explain, nor did she want to.  Her level of trust with Andrew was like no other, and the baring of her soul was something she could only permit him to see.  She had entrusted him with it, and he in turn had treated it preciously. 

Each night when she would lie in his arms, she would pour out whatever rested heavily on her heart at that moment and where he couldn’t take it away, he listened, allowing her to feel exactly what it was she was feeling, before he gave her any number of reasons he did not see her as she did herself.  The moments during the day, when the sadness would hit her at full force, even as she made herself smile for everyone else’s benefit, Andrew would quickly pick up on the look in her eyes and the feeling he was getting from her heart and would find some subtle way to get her away from the others so that the pent up emotions could be released and not hidden.  The freedom to be able to cry in his arms without abandon, or to simply hold onto him as tightly as her arms would allow was a gift like no other she had received since that horrible night in that dark ally.  Andrew was giving her part of herself back simply be being there and by saving her from herself and while she found the healing process exhausting, she knew that finally parts of her were healing.  The road ahead still stretched out for miles before her, but she knew she would not be walking it alone.

*****

“Paul, Monica and I are heading into town for the afternoon.  You and Alex want to join us?”

The question came as a shock to the agent and he looked at Andrew in surprise, “She is willing to go into town?  She hasn’t left the farm in nearly a month other than to go riding with us.”

“I planted the idea in her mind three days ago and she did resist at first, but today it is all her idea,” He grinned and Paul could see that his friend was pleased with the progress the little angel had been making.  He had been worried last night when Tess had been called away on assignment, but Monica had seemed to take it all in stride and that came as a great relief.

“Are you sure it isn’t too much too soon?” He was still worried.  It hadn’t been a week yet since the news of Grady’s death had nearly bowled Monica over and he was hesitant to take her out of what had become her comfort zone, “I mean, she still has the occasional day where she won’t leave her room.”

“Yes, but those days are now just that, occasional,” Part of him wondered if Monica was indeed trying to push herself, but with himself, as well as Paul and Alex with her, she should have no reason to feel afraid.  He wanted her to test her wings, so to speak, amongst other people, but he had waited until she was ready enough to revisit the subject with him, “So, will you two join us?  It could be good for her.”

He was still skeptical, but a moment later, the little angel emerged from the hallway and into the kitchen.  She was dressed as they had grown accustomed to seeing her, an oversized shirt overtop what she was wearing, but there was a smile on her face, though it was slightly nervous.

“Are you and Alex coming with us, Paul?”

Her expression was so hopeful that the agent immediately gave up any thoughts of argument as he grinned at her, “Of course we are, honey.  We can even grab lunch in town if you’d like.”

She exchanged a look with Andrew as she drew in a deep breath, “Let’s see how it goes.”

“That’s perfectly fine as well, “ Paul assured her, moving to wrap an arm around her small shoulders and giving her a gentle squeeze.  He had to admit, she was looking better.  The dark circles beneath her eyes were not as prominent as they had been only a few days ago and that brought him great relief.  She had sufffered through a few sleepless nights due to his decision about the pills and now knowing she wasn’t having as much trouble sleeping had alleviated his guilt a bit, “Just let me round up my woman and we’ll be on our way.”

“What about ‘your woman’?” Alex raised her eyebrows as she came in the back door, pulling off her gardening gloves as she looked at her husband in amusement.

“We’re heading into town,” Monica told her as she turned to face her friend, “Please come along.”

If Alex was surprised, she certainly didn’t show it as she smiled, “Sounds like the perfect excuse to break out the credit cards to me!  I’m in!”

“Now hold on a second, we didn’t say anything about shopping,” Paul objected, though there was hint of mischief in his eye.

“You went shopping with Andrew the last time,” She pointed out, winking in the Irish angel’s direction.

Paul appeared thoughtful, “Hmm, good point and I still need to have words with him about that.  Between the shopping and the chick flicks all coming from angels…”

“Hey, you enjoyed those movies!” Alex retorted, challenging him her eyes.

“I never said I didn’t, but given their nature, I would have expected them to want to watch ‘The Ten Commandments’ or something along those lines.”

Andrew shook his head as he grinned, “Well, Paul, when you were present for the real thing, a movie kind of pales in comparision.”

*****

On the drive into town Paul cast frequent glances into the back seat to see how Monica was doing. The little angel seemed a bit more tense than she had been, and she was definitely being quieter, but her eyes remained clear and alert as they watched the scenery rushing by. He noticed that her hand was intertwined with Andrew’s on the seat between them, and he tightened his grip on the wheel. He didn’t look back again for the rest of the trip.

If Monica was somewhat silent, Alex more than made up for it as she cheerily described the new shops that had come into town since Monica’s last visit. Paul and Andrew both rolled their eyes as the realized that they were in for a day of shop-crawling and bag-toting. Paul only had the faintest twinge of guilt when he briefly thought that maybe it wouldn’t be a horrible thing if Monica decided she didn’t want to stay for lunch.

Towards the end of the drive Monica began to talk a bit more, asking questions and making suggestions about where to go first. She was definitely nervous but she was trying to push through it. She knew that she couldn’t spend the rest of her existence on the farm, no matter how safe it made her feel.

“Okay, first stop, garden shop, at Monica’s request,” Alex said as they parked the car at the central parking lot.

“What are you looking for anyway?” Paul asked as he draped his arm over his wife’s shoulder and led the way to the little gardening center.

“I was hoping that you and Alex would let me plant a rose bush, in the corner near the fireplace,” she said a little tentatively.

Alex smiled over her shoulder at the little angel. “Well of course you can, but what on earth put that idea in your head?”

“Actually, it was all that tv I watched a few weeks ago,” she answered with a wry grin. “There was a gardening show on, and they were planting a rose called Peace.” She gave a little shrug. “I can’t really explain it very well,” she said, trailing off a bit, “I was so upset when I first found out Tess and Andrew were bringing me to the farm… but now… It feels almost like Home to me. I guess I just wanted to give you both something that would tell you how much that means to me.”

Paul stopped walking and he and Alex both turned to face her. “Monica, you don’t need to give us anything at all. We’re just glad that we’ve been able to help in whatever little way possible. We both wish we could do more.”

“Believe me. You’ve done a lot,” Monica said with a little grin, just before Paul pulled her into a bear hug.

“Well you’re family. There isn’t anything we wouldn’t do for you, and do I really need to remind you that if it wasn’t for you, neither one of us would even be here, much less married.”

After a successful trip to the nursery and then back to the car to drop off the rose bush as well as a few pansies that Alex had insisted they had room for by the steps, the foursome headed down towards the shops that looked out over the lake. Monica remembered her first trip there, and the boat ride around the lake. It was one of her fondest memories despite the fact that it had ended up leading to some very harrowing days.

Looking back, she remembered how she had doubted if she would ever be able to move past those days. She had been certain that they would haunt her forever. Now, they were only memories. They still troubled her, but she was able to look back and see the good that had come from those days as well. She shook her head as she wondered if the same would eventually be true for the memory of the night she was raped. Somehow it seemed a lot less likely. A chill ran down her spine just thinking about it and she reached for Andrew’s warm hand.

He looked down at her questioningly. He could sense her sudden unease and his eyes held concern. “Everything okay?” he said quietly, out of range of Paul and Alex.

She nodded and gave him a little smile, and when he squeezed her hand she let him bring her back to the present and pushed all of her worrisome thoughts to the back of her mind. There would be time to talk about them later. Right now she wanted to concentrate on simply enjoying the beautiful day out with her friends.

The shops along the lakeshore were all full of different crafts and Monica and Alex clearly enjoyed them more than Paul and Andrew, although the boys nodded approval when necessary and smiled nicely when shown one item after the next. Alex finally convinced Monica to give the boys a break as they approached the last two shops.

“Why don’t you guys go watch the boats or something,” she said as she waved her hand towards the lake. “Monica and I have got it covered.”

“Are you sure?” Paul was the first to ask although the question was on Andrew’s tongue as well.

“Yeah, yeah, we’re sure. After all, I’m the one with the credit card,” she said with a wink. She hooked her arm through Monica’s and pulled the angel towards the next shop, leaving behind the airy sound of laughter as they hurried away.

“She seems to be doing okay,” Paul said once they were out of earshot.

“She is. Better than I hoped, actually,” Andrew replied.

Paul kept his eyes trained on the sailboats in the distance. There was a group of them, white sails pulled taut against the wind, the shadows of people scurrying along deck. It was a race and as the first boat turned the marker and headed downwind the spinnaker was raised, red and orange and yellow, billowing out to pull it forward faster and faster, separating it from the pack, a spot of color in a picture of blue and white. The next boat rounded the same marker and threw up its colored sail as well, but somehow it didn’t have the same impact as that first spark of fire on the water. Paul glanced at Andrew out of the corner of his eye, wondering what he was thinking. Wondering if his feelings towards Monica were the same, or if he had realized that they were just a flash of fire brought on by the change in circumstance.

“You and I haven’t had a chance to talk much lately,” he said, rather awkwardly.

Andrew knew exactly what he was getting at and clapped him on the back good-naturedly. “No, I guess we haven’t. Don’t worry, Paul. I haven’t told her anything, and I never will,” he continued, a shadow falling over his features. “You were right about just about everything that day. I can’t pull away from her… I couldn’t even if I wanted to… and my feelings are best kept to myself.”

“Good,” Paul heard himself saying, and he felt a greater sense of relief than he had ever thought possible and he almost didn’t understand.  Yes, he trusted Andrew.  He was an angel for heaven’s sake.  But Monica would not be able to accept or cope with the things that Andrew was feeling.  In fact, he saw nothing but disaster occuring if the truth ever came out. 

*****

Monica browsed through the shop, being careful to keep on eye on where Alex was as she did so.  She had been feeling relatively comfortable in their little group, but the sudden separation from Paul and Andrew had unnerved her a little bit, though so far she was managing to control it.  She could see Alex in the aisle next to hers, so she forced herself to relax by repeatedly telling herself that she was all right. 

Her hand ran against the quilt she was looking at, smiling slightly at the pattern of horses that was contained in the squares, bringing to mind the farm and Scout.  She was actually surprised that she had been permitted to remain with Paul and Alex for so long, but she was grateful that was the case.  Venturing back to work on her own was not something that appealed to her, especially if her cases did not require Andrew’s calming presence next to her. 

Hearing a commotion coming from the door of the store, she turned her head quickly, just as a group of college boys descended upon her as they tried to get down the row. They were boisterous, their voices loud and the little angel tried to flatten herself up against the shelves to get out of their way, but one young man who was speaking over his shoulder to his friend, ran into her and his hand instictively went out to catch her around the waist to keep her from tumbling over.

“Oh shit, baby, I’m sorry,” His expression was apologetic, but it quickly turned to concern as he watched the color drain from the little female’s face.  He kept his arm around her waist, afraid she was going to suddenly slump to the floor.

He had called her “baby” and his arm around her was suddenly suffocating her.  He had grabbed her like this…and then he had dragged her away…it couldn’t happed this time…she would change it…she would fight harder…she would get away…

“Are you okay?” He asked her worriedly, but a moment later, he had let out a startled yelp as she began to fight out against his hold.  He could just make out tears in her eyes and he found her strangled cries distressing.  He released her helplessly, his face burning at the crowd that had gathered and he held up his hands defensively, “I didn’t hurt her, I swear.  I just ran into her…”

But Monica didn’t hear any of it as she stumbled blindly from the store.  Her heart was racing and the panic was threatening to overtake her.  She could hear footsteps quickly approaching the front of the store and she knew she had to get away before he found her again.  She willed her legs to move as she ran in the direction of the dock, but as her feet hit the weathered boards, she knew she was trapped.  It was a dead end unless she jumped into the water but she would much rather face that fear than to allow him to rape her again.  Distress and panic filled her until she was scarcely able to breath and when a hand fell upon her shoulder, her own hands flew to her face as she screamed.

A moment later, she felt strong arms around her and a hand guided her head to his chest.  She heard the familiar heartbeat and she nearly went limp in Andrew’s arms.

“Shh, angel…you’re safe, baby…I’ve got you…” He had felt her panic from across at the marina and though he didn’t know what had happened, he had been quick to find her.

“Is she all right?” Paul demanded, having caught up to Andrew after he had suddenly bolted with no explanation.  It hadn’t taken him long however, to know it had something to do with the little angel who was now trembling in his arms.  He looked around for Alex, cursing the fact that something had happened to terrify Monica once more. 

“I think so,” Andrew replied softly, knowing Monica would not want him making a fuss.  She had already buried her face against his chest and he could feel her tears through his shirt, but she seemed to be slowly calming.

“Monica!” Alex was then running to them, her blue eyes alight with concern.

“Where were you?” Paul snapped, not noticing the fact that his tone caused the little angel to hold onto Andrew even more tightly.

“I was there, Paul, in the aisle next to her, but this group of kids came in…it was an accident…one ran into her and when he grabbed her to keep her from falling, he scared the shit out of her,” She watched as his annoyance faded and he wrapped an arm around her waist.

“I’m sorry,” He told her softly, “I didn’t mean to bite your head off.  She was just so terrified…”

Andrew kissed the top of Monica’s head and then pulled away slightly to look into her tear streaked face.  Some of her color was returning to be replaced by embarrassment and shame, “Are you okay?” He asked her softly, knowing that she really wasn’t, but willing to take her lead.

“Can we just go home? Please?” She requested tearfully.  Her comfort level out in the open had just been damaged and all she wanted was to be back at the one place she deemed as safe.

“I’ll go and get the car,” Paul offered, clearly able to see her embarrassment over her own overpowering emotions.  He rubbed her arm gently, “Just wait here.  I’ll be back in a jiffy.”

“Honey, I’m so sorry,” Alex stated softly, feeling terrible that her friend had been in her care when panic had set in for her.

“It’s not your fault,” Monica whispered as Andrew pulled her close once more and she felt her earlier feelings start to resurface.  She could never imagine the memories from that night fading.

*****

The ride home was quiet and the little angel remained in Andrew’s arms for all of it.  He could feel that her fear had faded, along with her tears and her trembling, but it had been replaced with a sadness he could feel with his entire heart.  He knew that under normal circumstances, she would have simply brushed off  what had happened with a grin to the person who had plowed into her, but a few weeks ago, everything had changed; even her reaction to a simple accident.

“It was so stupid,” She whispered up against his chest, disrupting his thoughts, “How could something so small make me act that way?”

“It was not stupid,” He stated firmly, resting his chin on her head, “And it was a perfectly normal reaction considering what you have been through, angel.  Don’t beat yourself up about this, please?”

“It’s hard not to,” she muttered sadly. “Some part of me knew that it was nothing and that he wasn’t trying to hurt me, but another part just exploded… and I couldn’t control it…”

“It was a flashback, angel, of course you couldn’t control it.”

Frustration and a hint of anger flared in her eyes. “I know, but I thought I was done with those.” She hadn’t experienced one that strong since the day Tess had discovered her hiding in the closet. She had hoped never to feel that way again.

“Unfortunately I don’t think there’s really a time limit on them,” he replied as he pulled her closer.

Alex, who had been listening from the front seat turned around slightly to face them. “I’m sorry for butting in,” she said with a quirky grin and a raised eyebrow, “but it’s kind of a small car.”

Andrew chuckled and Monica looked up with a slight smile on her face. “It’s all right,” she said. “What are you thinking?”

“Well… I know this probably isn’t very orthodox, and I’ll probably go straight to hell for suggesting it, but maybe you would feel a little more confident if you knew you could defend yourself.”

Monica’s eyes opened wide. The thought had never occurred to her. “Defend myself?”

Alex laughed. “I’m not talking armed combat or anything, just a little bit of self defense. If you knew you could render a guy impotent and break his nose, you might not feel so nervous around them.”

The angel’s eyes grew even larger, even as she felt a chuckle rumbling through Andrew’s chest. “But that boy today… I wouldn’t have wanted to break his nose!”

Alex laughed. “Of course not, but it all goes along with being more comfortable and confident. If you knew you could do it, that might put you more at ease in situations where you didn’t have to.”

Monica pursed her lips together for a moment. “And you’d teach me?”

Alex let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. “I’d be honored.” She glanced at Andrew. “You don’t think God would mind me turning one of His angels into a deadly weapon do you?”

Even Paul erupted into laughter at that, and Andrew reached forward to pat the agent’s hand. “I think He’ll be fine with it,” he assured her with a broad grin.

Monica settled back against Andrew’s chest, feeling much happier than she had just minutes earlier. She had spent weeks waiting to feel better, waiting for the feeling of helplessness to fade. The idea of actually doing something to make it go away was extremely appealing.

Just as the car was reaching the outskirts of the town the little angel suddenly sat straight up as something outside caught her eye. “Paul, could you stop the car?”

“What?” Paul glanced at her, confused. “What’s wrong?” He was already obeying her request, and pulling over to the side of the road.

“I’m hungry,” she announced, “and that restaurant looks very nice. Could we eat there?”

Paul and Alex exchanged a puzzled look while Andrew just stared at her. “Monica, I thought you wanted to go home?” the agent said.

“I know. I did. But I’ve changed my mind.” She felt Andrew’s arm around her shoulders tighten, filling her with more conviction. “I said I wanted to spend the day in town, and that’s what we’re going to do.”

“Monica, you don’t have to prove anything to us,” Alex said gently.

The angel’s dark eyes met with Alex’s. “I know, but I think maybe I have something to prove to myself.”