CHAPTER 14

The week after that first trip to town seemed to mark another turning point for Monica. She was no longer content to wait for herself to heal, instead she wanted to do all she could to make herself feel better. Whether that was working out with Alex, or making short trips into town, just to get the groceries with Paul, it was something that she could feel proud about.

There were still times when she needed to go to her room and just cry out her frustrations and fears and sorrow, but more often than not, she preferred to tell them to Andrew, rather than keeping them to herself. Often she couldn’t even put those confused feelings into words, but he was always there to hold her, and assure her that she was not alone. To the Irish angel, that was more than enough.

Paul and Alex had actually felt at ease enough about her progress to take the commuter flight into Washington for a few briefings at the FBI Headquarters, and with Tess still away, the two angels were left to themselves for the first time since arriving at the farm.  The agents had promised to be back by the following night and Monica had been unable to help but to feel a bit sad when they left, knowing she was going to miss them both.  She had grown much closer to Alex over the last several weeks and her relationship with Paul had deepened as well and these were two things she could chalk up as being positive about what had happened to her. 

Andrew sensed the first traces of sadness as the car pulled out of the drive and slowly vanished down the road and he approached the little angel and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, “How about we clean up the dishes and then go for a ride?  We can even pack a lunch and make a day out of it.”

Her expression softened as she looked up at him, loving the fact that he always knew just what she needed, “That would be perfect,” She smiled up at him before wrapping her arms around him a grateful hug.  She closed her dark eyes as he enfolded her into his arms, but a moment later, they were open as a tiny shiver ran down her spine and seemed to resound within her heart.  The feeling was so foreign and so unexpected that she nearly pulled away until she could put her finger on what it was that had just happened to her.The sensation had certainly not been uncomfortable, but the thoughts they evoked definitely were. 

She pulled away and looked up into his eyes, not even realizing she was doing it until his voice broke into her thoughts.

“Angel?  What is it?” Her eyes seemed to be looking for something and the look of trepidation on her face almost scared him.  But a split second later, it was gone and she was shaking her head.

“Nothing.  I don’t know what I was thinking.  I’ll wash up if you pack the picnic.  Deal?”  Smiling once more, she turned away and headed over to the sink of breakfast dishes.

“Deal,” He replied, deciding not to push whatever potential issue there might be.  She had been coming to him with everything the last two weeks and he had no doubts that if there was indeed a problem, she would bring this to him as well.

On the walk down to the barn, Monica chattered about the trees, the birds and the flowers she and Alex had planted and how well they were doing to the point where Andrew would have smiled had her sudden talkitiveness not felt so out of place.  His next thought was guilt at even feeling that way, but the fact remained that since the rape, even on her best days, she was still more quiet and reserved.  That much had not changed until now and the fact that it suddenly had left him with the feeling that although things felt more normal than they had in weeks, something was wrong. 

He listened as she spoke softly to Scout as she readied him for their ride, even as he saddled up his own mount.  As they led the horses outside, he moved to her, “Let me give you a leg up, angel.”

Monica nodded as she placed one foot in the stirrup and allowed Andrew to help her up, before smiling down her thanks.

“All set?” He asked her as he rested his hand on her leg, but his smile immediately faded as he saw a look of distress in her eyes, “Monica?”

She looked startled by the sound of her name and then nodded her head, “Yes.  All ready.” She could see his hesitation, and relief filled her when he swung himself up on his horse and gathered the reigns.

They started out through the fields and Monica managed to keep Scout just ahead of Andrew, trying to take a moment to sort out her head.  The feeling from the kitchen had returned when his hand had touched her leg; the slight shiver that almost bordered on….she shook her head.  No.  That was not what she was feeling.  She was wrong.  But there was no denying that she had felt something that didn’t feel normal and she was almost afraid to analyze it for fear of what she would find.

“Race you!” She called back over her shoulder, determined not to allow her thoughts to ruin this day.  Seeing Andrew spurring his horse on, she laughed, before urging Scout to pick up the pace.  The wind in her hair was enough to make her forget what she had just been thinking as the only sound that filled her ears was the sound of the horse’s hooves beating against the ground. 

She never noticed the snake that slithered across Scout’s path, but Scout did and he immediately reared back, startling the little angel, though unlike the last picnic she had taken him on, she managed to hold on this time, though barely and the reigns went flying from her unsuspecting hand.  She had hoped that the horse would immediately calm, but that was not the case and a split second later, Scout was flying through the field in the direction of the woods and she was holding on for dear life to his mane to keep herself in the saddle.

“Monica!” Andrew bid his own horse to go faster at seeing Scout rear back and he cursed himself for agreeing to the race, knowing that Scout had a skittish streak in him.  As he saw the horse race out of control in the direction of the woods, he felt his heart spring to his throat.  If Monica entered the woods at that speed, there was no telling what could happen to her just from low hanging branches alone.  Visions of her auburn mane tangled in a branch and throwing her from the horse was enough to stop his already pounding heart.  He didn’t know if he could bear her being hurt again so soon, “Father, please protect her…” He found himself uttering as he urged the horse faster still.

The wind caused tears to sting Monica’s eyes as she crouched low in the saddle, whispering soothing words to the distressed horse.  The woods were looming ahead of her and she knew if she couldn’t calm him soon, she was going to be in trouble.

The sound of hooves next to her were the most beautiful sound she had ever heard as between Andrew’s sudden presence and her whispered words of comfort, Scout slowed enough that Andrew was able to retrieve the wayward reigns.  As Scout finally slowed, then stopped, he dismounted and moved to capture Monica around the waist to help her down.

“Sweetheart, are you okay?” He was looking over her for any signs that anything might be physically wrong, but other than her flushed face, she seemed all in one piece.

As he looked at her, still slightly trembling, all of the feelings he had been trying so hard to hide came rushing to the surface. The thought of anything happening to her, and the relief that it hadn’t made his love for her swell in his heart until he thought it would burst. He wanted to lean down and kiss her until they were both breathless, and then the fear that she could read that in his eyes made him pull her close and satisfy himself by kissing the top of her head.

Monica was too busy trying to push through her own feelings to even notice the subtle change in the way Andrew was looking at her, and when he hugged her she felt a tickling in her stomach as if a hundred butterflies had suddenly burst forth from their cocoons. She was glad that he was holding her because it hid the confusion that she knew had to be all over her face, but at the same time, the longer she remained in his arms the stronger her new feelings became. Finally, she could take no more and she carefully extricated herself, making a show of dusting off her legs to avoid looking him in the eye.

Andrew felt his heartbeat slowly returning to normal although his arms felt empty without her in them. “Are you sure you’re all right?” he asked.

“I’m sure,” she said quickly. “Just startled, that’s all.”

He tried to tilt his head to meet her eyes, but she quickly turned to Scout and started patting his neck. Something wasn’t quite right, and he prayed that she hadn’t seen his true feelings.

“Well, let’s head back to the house. We can pop a movie into the VCR and just relax for the afternoon.”

“No!” She was a bit too fast to reply, but watching a movie meant curling up together on the sofa or her bed, and she knew she couldn’t handle that kind of closeness until she figured out what was wrong with her. “Let’s keep riding,” she coaxed, “we haven’t even gone into the woods yet.”

“Are you sure?” Andrew was taken aback at her willingness to continue after such a close call.

“I’m sure,” she insisted, and before he could even offer to give her a leg up, she had pulled herself up and into the saddle and he had to hurry to catch up.

They rode for another hour, and by the end Andrew was beginning to feel a slight ache in his legs and he knew that Monica had to be exhausted as well. He volunteered to take care of the horses and was only a little surprised when she agreed and headed up to the house. Usually she was the last one to leave the barn, patting and giving treats to each horse before she left. The blond angel decided that she was probably more tired than she was letting on, and watched her make her way up to the house, not turning to go back into the barn until she was safely inside.

When he entered the house close to thirty minutes later he washed up and went immediately to her room, assuming that she was probably there resting. She looked startled when he opened the door without knocking and he looked at her with concern. He had gotten into the habit of just entering if the door was ajar, and she hadn’t seemed to mind.

“Still a little keyed up because of your wild ride?” he guessed, one corner of his mouth turning up in a grin.

“I guess so,” she replied, putting on a grin to match his.

“You look tired. Maybe a little nap would do you good,” he suggested.

She let out an imperceptible sigh and answered, “You’re probably right. I am feeling kind of worn out.” Maybe that’s all this was. Maybe she had just been pushing herself too hard and that was what was causing her to feel so strangely.

She moved to curl up on her side and Andrew stepped forward to spread a blanket over her. She stopped him mid-stride. “I think I’m warm enough,” she said quietly, hoping that he couldn’t hear the slight tremor in her voice.

Andrew froze and then dropped the blanket back onto the chest at the foot of the bed. “Oh… okay then. I’ll just leave you to rest.” He paused as he was closing the door. “Sleep well, angel,” he said, and then the door clicked shut and she could hear his footsteps moving down the hall.

Rolling over, she curled up even tighter as her eyes focused on the view out her window. What was happening to her? Why did Andrew’s touch suddenly make her very skin tingle with electricity? She loved him just as much as she always had…more… but these feelings were different. They came from another place in her heart that she had never even realized she possessed. She scrunched her eyes shut. She didn’t want to think about it. She was just overly tired. That’s all it was. When she woke up, things would be back to normal.

*****

Time passed slowly for Andrew while Monica slept. She hadn’t been sleeping during the day very much lately, and with Paul and Alex gone as well, it made the house seem very quiet and empty. After mindlessly flipping through the television channels, and trying to read three different books, he ended up deciding to start on dinner. Paul and Alex had been handling most of the cooking duties, but he had been known to whip up a meal or two in his day, and he wanted Monica to wake up to a nice relaxing dinner.

The aroma of roast chicken and gravy was indeed what roused Monica from her nap. It was a fabulous smell and the minute she woke up she realized how famished she was. The second thought to hit her mind was that Tess must have returned, and a feeling of relief flowed into her. Things would definitely feel more normal with her supervisor around. It would be the three of them, just like old times. Nothing to worry about, and nothing to think about. She pushed herself off the bed and walked down to the kitchen with a smile on her face.

“Well hello there, sleeping beauty,” Andrew greeted her.

She found herself smiling shyly as her eyes scanned the room for Tess.

“Did you have a nice nap? As you can probably smell, I’ve managed to keep myself busy.”

“You made all this?” Monica asked as she looked at the pots on the stove. That was when she noticed the table, set for two. Tess was no where in sight.

“Well don’t act so surprised!” he said with mock indignation. “I seem to recall that you like my cooking.”

She turned to him, face flushed. “Of course I do! I love it! I didn’t mean it like that,” she said, words tumbling out of her mouth.

He passed by her to stir the mashed potatoes and laid a gentle hand on her shoulder as he did so. “I’m only teasing, angel. Sit yourself down. I was just about to go get you. Everything is ready.”

The little angel took her seat and decided to push everything she was feeling to the back of her mind, and simply enjoy the meal. Andrew had obviously gone to a good bit of trouble, and she didn’t want to disappoint him.

She did an excellent job of forgetting about everything that had occurred that afternoon, and by the end of the meal things between the two angels were back on an even keel. If she was a bit quieter than before, Andrew wrote it off as things falling back into the ‘new’ pattern. He was even relieved that she didn’t seem to feel the need to fill every silence, the way she had on the walk to the barn. Maybe she would even tell him what had brought on that sudden chattiness when they went to bed. That was when she usually told him anything that had bothered her during the day, and they were the moments he treasured the most. Lying there in the dark, with his arms wrapped around her, he didn’t have to hide the love that he knew was on his face, and if he hugged her a little tighter he knew that she would just see it as the supportive embrace of her best friend.

*****

Andrew stifled a yawn as he looked up at the clock above the stove; one twenty-six am.  He and Monica had to be on their ninth game of checkers and he was contemplating allowing her to win this time for the sake of breaking the tie…though that stratedgy had not worked last time.  The game had been an unlikely request, but she seemed to be enjoying herself plus he had reasoned that she must not be sleepy after her nap this afternoon.

Monica studied the board carefully as she considered her next move, chin propped in her hand.  The game, as well as dinner had served its purpose and her feelings regarding Andrew now felt perfectly normal once more.  She had been right.  She had simply been tired this afternoon after their ride and her narrow escape with Scout and that had caused the strange feelings, nothing more.

Slowly, she slid one of her red checkers diagonally to the next space and then looked up and grinned impishly at him.  She watched as his eyes widened slightly.  She knew he had been planning on letting her win, but she had just solved that problem for him.  No matter how he moved, she had a double jump to win the game.

A laugh erupted from the angel of death as he leaned back in his chair and folded his arms across his chest.  He raised an eyebrow in amusement at her, though he was completely enjoying her quiet victory.  The little angel was adorable, whether her eyes were glinting mischieveously with victory or she was playfully pouting in defeat.

“Touche, Monica,” He grinned at her as he began to collect the checkers in order to place them back in the box.

She emitted a giggle, “I enjoyed that,” She replied as she folded the board and handed it to him from across the table, “Thank you for playing.”

Her fingers brushed up against his as he took the game board from her and she nearly jerked her hand back from the electricity that seemed to flow between them, but she managed to return her hand to her lap, praying that Andrew couldn’t hear the sudden pounding of her heart.

“I’m going to get ready for bed,” Monica heard herself saying as she slipped from her chair and headed back the hallway.

Andrew watched her rather hasty departure and frowned.  There it was again; the feeling deep in his heart that was telling him something was wrong and he was determined to find out what it was.  He left the game box on the table and turned out the kitchen lights, before checking to make certain all the doors were locked.  He had already checked them before, but on occasion, Monica still asked.  There was already something bothering her and he wasn’t about to add to it.

*****

The little angel had yet to change clothes as she paced the length of her bedroom, trying to sort out the confusing feelings that had invaded her mind once more.  But nothing she was feeling made sense right now, and she was certain Andrew was going to ask her what had been troubling her today and she had no idea how to respond.

The feelings and sensations were inspired by his touch,  that much she knew, but why now?  Maybe it was simply the fact that their friendship had deepened over the past weeks.  Yes.  That had to be it.  So why then was his touch suddenly stealing her breath away?

She opened the closet door slowly and for the first time since the night Grady had died, looked at her reflection in the mirror.  At the sight of her flushed cheeks, her hands flew to her face as she struggled to understand that which could not be understood.  What was wrong with her?

A soft knock caused her to whirl around just before Andrew opened her door and she dropped her hands to her sides and managed a smile, determined he not feel the need to ask questions.  Especially when she was currently not holding the answer key.

“I thought you’d be half asleep by now, sweetie,” He observed as he sat down on the edge of her bed, waiting to see if she would offer any information about what had driven her from the kitchen so quickly.

Monica’s heart was beating rapidly, even as she struggled to remain calm.  How could she possibly curl into his arms tonight and sleep with these insane feelings racing through her so quickly?  But she would rather suffer than hurt him.  Andrew had been with her constantly, without condition, since her nightmare had begun and he would never understand her sudden need to not be held safely in his arms.  Though whether he held her close, or she got into bed alone, she knew sleep was out of the question.

“I’m not all that tired,” she offered, hoping he would accept her answer and it would be over for tonight, “I suppose I should be, but I had that nap this afternoon.  I think I’d like to go out to the living room and read a bit more of my book.”

Andrew watched her closely.  She looked fatigued around her eyes, though her eyes themselves were clear and alert, “All right then, I’ll come with you until you feel ready to go to sleep,” But she was already shaking her head.

“Andrew, you’re tired.  You kept trying not to yawn while we were playing checkers and I don’t want to keep you up,” She approached him carefully and looked up at him, finding a bit of truth she could cling to, “Besides, eventually we’ll be leaving the farm and you won’t be able to be next to me every night…maybe I need to start getting used to that while knowing you are right down the hall.”

“Is that what you’ve been upset about?” He knew her observations made sense, though he still didn’t have to like them.  He wasn’t even sure he could sleep anymore without feeling her in his arms, “Are you worrying about leaving the farm and being assigned away from me?”

Monica bit her lip and gave a little nod.  Part of that was the truth.  She was afraid of when that day would come as she and Andrew were not always assigned together, though it was certainly not the main source of her distress now.

“Angel,” He reached for her hand and pulled her into his arms, wrapping her up in his embrace, “You know I will never be far away from you.”

Her heart sped up once again as she struggled to force herself to relax in his arms.  The problem was that she was relaxed and she felt as if she could stay this way forever were it not for the fluttering in her stomach once more.  She loved the way he held her so tightly and his hands around her were strong and certain, making her feel safe and so very loved.  She was suddenly aware of his strong chest beneath her and his warm breath against her hair and the little angel struggled not to panic at the emotions she was feeling, “I know,” She managed to say as she pulled away from him and smiled, “And I’m thankful for that.  But if I wait until the day arrives when we are separated again, I don’t think I’ll handle it as well as I can on a test run.  I’ll come in when I’m tired, okay?”

Once again, there was hesitance in her dark eyes that he didn’t understand, but he nodded his head, “Whatever you want, angel.”

His eyes followed her out of the room, and he still felt slightly uneasy about what she had told him, but it did make sense. She hated their separations even at the best of times. He stood up to pull down the bedcovers and let out a long sigh. He wasn’t looking forward to leaving her either. In fact, if his current mood was any indication, just trying to fall asleep without her there was going to be a challenge.

Two hours later he was still tossing and turning, having slept perhaps a total of fifteen minutes. He rolled over and glanced at the clock on the nightstand. It was after three and Monica still hadn’t come to bed. The full moon shining in through the windows guided his footsteps to the door, and the soft light from the living room led him the rest of the way.

She was curled up on the sofa with an afghan pulled up to her chin and a book held limply in her hand. Dark lashes curled against her pale cheeks and she looked like a sleeping doll to him, perfect and beautiful. As he bent to pick her up he chanced a light kiss on her cheek and closed his eyes against the sudden quickening of his pulse. He knew that eventually he was going to have to talk to God about his feelings. He prayed that God would simply wash them away and not force him to leave Monica’s side. Then his heart clenched as he realized that as hard as it was to love her in silence, he would rather bear that pain than have that love stripped away.

He carried her so gently that she barely stirred in her sleep. She was still wearing jeans and a t-shirt, covered by Alex’s red plaid shirt. He tenderly removed her socks, and eased the heavy shirt from her small frame before tucking her under the covers. A minute later he had crawled under the covers himself, and he stretched a protective arm around her stomach before quickly falling asleep.

When the sun rose the next morning, Monica was the first one to wake. The weight of Andrew’s arm across her midsection felt like a loving hug and she sleepily opened her eyes on a smile. Her hand unconsciously curled around his and pulled it tighter before she fully awoke and started at what she was doing. Her breath came fast and she had to concentrate to slow it down. She immediately realized that he must have carried her to bed in the middle of the night.

Rolling over, she looked up into his face. It was relaxed and peaceful in sleep and she felt her heart calm as she traced his familiar features with her eyes. She still didn’t know what was making her feel so strangely, but looking at him helped to make her believe that whatever it was, she would be able to work her way through it. Maybe Alex would have some ideas, or perhaps Tess. Whatever it was, she wasn’t going to let it come between her and Andrew.

A noise from the front of the house suddenly made her stiffen, eyes wide in fear, heart pounding. A light squeeze to her arm and she saw Andrew looking at her.

“I’ll go check it out, angel. I’m sure it’s nothing,” he said as he hastily climbed out of the bed.

Nothing, she repeated to herself, and yet it had woken him up. She sat with her knees tucked to her chin, staring at the closed door.

“Monica!” she heard him calling. “It’s all clear!” The jovial tone in his voice made her scamper to join him. Either Tess was back, or Paul and Alex had returned early.

“Sorry about the early morning wake-up call,” Alex said with a wink as soon as Monica came into view. “We caught the first flight out of D.C. this morning.” When she saw Monica looking around for the others, she continued, “Andrew’s out helping him with the bags, as usual. I don’t know what it is about men… it’s only two little overnight bags, but I think it must be some kind of bonding experience.”

“It’s good to have you back,” Monica replied, with a smile. She had missed Alex’s humor, and in the back of her mind she was wondering when she might be able to get the young woman alone. Alex had dealt with rape cases before. She knew all of the emotions and phases that victims went through. She would probably be able to set her fears at rest with just a few words.

“Okay, where do you want these?” Paul asked as he and Andrew reentered the house.

Alex rolled her eyes and shook her head in good-natured exasperation. “In the bedroom… as usual.”

“As you wish, my dear,” Paul replied, and he took the second bag from Andrew and then paused to lean down and kiss his wife in passing.

What started out as a simple peck on the lips turned into much more when Alex reached up to lightly touch his cheek and return the kiss with enthusiasm. Their teasing banter always made her remember how much she loved him. While Andrew suppressed a slight chuckle, Monica felt her cheeks growing red as she watched them. A second later a brief picture flashed in her mind. She saw herself sharing a similar kiss with Andrew and just the thought sent a pleasant tingle up her spine. Then she froze, as if rooted to the spot, and the blood drained from her cheeks.

“I… I think I’d better get showered and dressed,” she stammered, and before anyone could respond, she had bolted from the room.

Paul and Alex broke apart and they both looked over at Andrew, who was staring after her, a perplexed expression on his face.

“Did you two have any trouble here alone?” Paul asked. The question seemed simple enough, but Andrew picked up on the pointed undertones.

“There was a little excitement during our ride yesterday, but other than that, things were fine,” he answered. “She mentioned she was a little nervous about the prospect of us being assigned to different cases in the future… maybe seeing you two together made her think about that again.”

Alex looked thoughtful. “Maybe.”

“Well, a nice big breakfast is bound to distract her,” Paul announced. “I’m starved and I’m cooking, so get yourselves ready to eat a four-course brunch.”