CHAPTER 15

Monica had all but run to the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind her before she leaned up against it.  Tears had filled her dark eyes and she was frantically trying to blink them back, but she felt positively sick at where her thoughts had strayed.  Andrew was an angel.  She was an angel and she even felt like one now occasionally. But now this had happened and it could only mean one thing.

What had happened to her had awoken something horrible in her; some sick, twisted emotion that was causing her to think about kissing her best friend in a way that would signify much more than friendship.  Something in her heart must have turned black when she had been raped and now it stood to destroy her perfect relationship with the angel of death.

She shook her head furiously.  No.  She wouldn’t allow that to happen.  She had to find a way to get over these feelings before Andrew ever found out about them for he would surely be disgusted and the very thought caused her tears to fall.  Angels didn’t have these feelings…their love came from God alone and was nothing like what she had just felt while watching the exchange between Paul and Alex. 

Monica pressed her hands to her cheeks, warding off tears and trying to calm the racing of her heart.  As hard as it would be, she would put some distance between she and Andrew until she got this side effect under control.  She could never tell him and though closing herself off for awhile would hurt him, she couldn’t risk losing him forever if he ever found out the truth about her.  No matter how much she had healed, a part of her remained filthy or she would never be having these feelings in the first place.

*****

Paul’s steady eyes watched Monica as she toyed with her breakfast though he elected not to say anything just yet.  He could tell Andrew was watching her as well, his eyes laden with worry and the agent briefly thought he had been thrown backwards into time.  Her mannerisms this morning were so much like the early days after the rape and he felt irritation that maybe something had happened yesterday that Andrew was choosing not to share with him.

“I’ve got a bit of gardening to do after breakfast if you’re interested, Monica,” Alex stated with a smile.  The tension at the table was not going unnoticed, but she wanted to alleviate it if she could.  Besides, maybe if she could get Monica alone, the angel would confess whatever it was that weighing so heavily on her heart right now.

Monica looked up and smiled, “I’d love to.” It would not only be enjoyable, but it would keep her away from her best friend and her expression saddened that she even had to think that way.  She felt a warmth on top of her hand and she looked over at Andrew, trying not to appear as unsettled as she felt.

“Are you not hungry, Angel Girl?” He asked, his concern evident in his eyes.

“I suppose not,” She slowly moved her hand away, chosing not to meet his gaze and thus missing the distress in his eyes.  She quickly got up and carried her plate to the sink in order to busy herself so she woudn’t cry over the loss of his hand in hers.  She started running the water for dishes, needing to busy herself until Alex was ready.

“I’ve got it, honey,” Paul stated softly as he laid his hands on her shoulders.

“You cooked, Paul.  You shouldn’t have to wash up too,” She argued throwing him a tiny grin over her shoulder.

“Monica, Monica, still so much for me to teach you,” Alex chuckled as she moved over to them and wrapped her arm around the little angel’s shoulders to lead her away from the sink, “Anytime a man offers to do any kind of housework, the answer is always ‘yes’.  It’s good for them…keeps ‘em humble.”

Paul chuckled as he winked at his wife, “Wench.  I’ll take care of you later.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” She replied coyly, throwing him a hungry look that had nothing to do with lunch, “Come on, Monica.  Our flowers await.”

Paul began putting the dishes in the soapy water, waiting until he knew Monica and Alex were out of earshot before he glanced over at Andrew, who was looking fairly miserable, “Are you sure there isn’t something you want to tell me, buddy?”

Andrew glanced up sharply, “No, Paul.  I didn’t tell her anything.  This isn’t making any sense.  She was fine yesterday for the most part.  A little shaken up after her wild ride with Scout, but…” He stopped talking as a realization hit him, “Shit.”

The agent didn’t know whether to be amused or annoyed at that statement, “What?”

Running a hand through his hair, he shook his head, “I was so worried when we finally got Scout back under control.  He was heading for the woods and I knew if that happened Monica was going to wind up hurt or worse…when I caught her…everything just came to the surface…I don’t think she noticed, but…”

“You have got to get this shit under control, Andrew,” Paul’s voice was tight and he was struggling to not get angry, “She is coming back into her own and if you fuck this up for her…”

“I won’t,” Andrew’s voice was more than slightly defensive.  Two protectors at odds was definitely not a good thing, “I don’t even know if that is what is wrong, but I can’t think of anything else, unless she is just upset about having to leave everyone eventually.”

Paul managed to calm down as he nodded his head, “That would be a reason for her to pull away, which is what she seems to be doing,” He sighed in frustration, “I’m sorry, Andrew.  You’re one of the few…individuals that I trust with her and I know you won’t do anything to hurt her.”

He gave a brief nod as he stood up and walked over to the window, watching as if mesmerized by the little angel as she helped Alex weed the flower garden near the porch.  She was smiling, but he could see the worry lines on her face.  No, if she suspected anything, he would simply have to find a way to ease that concern.  Hurting her was simply not an option.

*****

By evening, little had changed and Andrew felt as if Monica were avoiding him like the plague.  She was still just as sweet and quick to throw a smile his way, but where physical distance was concerned, she was definitely keeping it, at least from him.  At bedtime, she insisted on being alone, trying to brush it off as needing to get used to him not being by her side when the darkness surrounded her and he felt as if he had no choice but to abide by her request, not matter how much he hated it.

As Andrew left her room that night after bidding her good night, Monica felt unwanted tears filling her eyes once more.  She was hurting him and she hated herself for it, but she had no choice.  Even being in the same room with him right now, was causing her feelings to be wayward.  She missed the feel of his arms around her and when she settled down to try to sleep, being alone caused her eyes to refuse to close.  She had dropped off to sleep on the couch unintentionally last night, but tonight, though she was fairly certain she would not have a panic attack, she was still uneasy.

“Father,” She whispered into the darkness, “Whatever these feelings are, I know the rape caused them.  Could you please just take that much away so I don’t lose my best friend?  Please?” Her voice trembled on the whispered words, knowing that if she lost Andrew, the rape would have indeed caused her to lose everything.

*****

Alex shifted slightly against her husband and he glanced down at her, waiting for her to say something. She was leaning against him in their bed, a book open in her hands, but she hadn’t turned a page in ten minutes, and now she was moving every thirty seconds. It was a sure sign that she had something on her mind and either wasn’t sure how to tell him, or was waiting for him to ask what was wrong. Since he knew he hadn’t forgotten any major holidays or milestones he guessed that she was trying to gather her thoughts. He was proven right when she tilted her head up a minute later.

“Monica was awfully distracted today,” she said slowly.

“Yes,” he replied, knowing that she had more to say. “Hopefully tomorrow will be better.”

“She seemed to be avoiding Andrew the most,” she finally said what was really on her mind.

Paul cast about for something to say that would be non-committal but still honest. “Really? You think so?” was what he settled on.

She turned to face him fully, her mouth and eyes set in a look that told him he wasn’t fooling anyone. “Yes, and I didn’t miss the looks you were sending his way either. Did you boys get in a fight or something?” her blue eyes stared into his, daring him to laugh at the adorably cute school-teacher expression on her face.

“No ma’am,” he replied, stifling everything but a grin. “No fighting.”

She gave him a quick kiss on the nose and then settled back against him again. “Then what is it?”

“Nothing, Alex. Really. We’re just both concerned about Monica, and you know I can get overprotective sometimes.”

“No! Really? You?”

He playfully pressed his elbow into her ticklish side and she giggled before grabbing his hand and pulling his arm around her shoulders, and away from all her most ticklish places.

“I tried to get Monica to open up when we were outside, but she got kind of quiet, and I hate to push her. It was strange. I could tell that she wasn’t angry at Andrew. In fact she seemed the most distant when he was out of sight, but then when he was nearby she did everything she could to put one of us between them. When he touched her I almost thought she flinched.”

“Yeah, I did see that,” Paul said, expression grim, voice low. He had seen that exchange and had been forced to control himself from pushing Andrew up against the wall. To him it was just one more sign that Monica had somehow discovered Andrew’s feelings for her and was dealing with it exactly how he’d feared she would.

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say she had a crush on him.”

Her words snapped Paul out of his dark thoughts immediately. “What?”

“Yeah, you know, flushed face, kinda awkward… sort of how you were around me,” she teased.

Paul rolled his eyes and then bent his head and ran his tongue around her sensitive ear. “I’m not feeling very awkward lately,” he whispered and then smiled as he felt her shiver. He straightened up and continued talking as if he didn’t notice the sudden heat that flooded his wife’s face. “I really don’t think Monica is the one with a crush,” he said dryly.

“What? What’s that supposed to mean?” Alex asked, turning around again to search his face for answers.

He shook his head, cursing his slip-up. “Nothing, I don’t know what I was saying… just talking… you know. But I think that feelings like that are the last things Monica is feeling or needing right now. Andrew was probably right to begin with… she’s just nervous about the idea of leaving. That’s what she seems to be saying, and she’s never given me a reason to doubt her word before.”

Alex looked at him doubtfully, trying to judge just exactly what he was hiding from her. She gave up with a sigh. If he had other ideas spinning around his head she wasn’t going to be able to pry them out. At least not without a lot of work, and at the moment she had other things she preferred to spend her energy on.

“Yeah, maybe you’re right,” she said, and then lay down on his chest, face hovering above his. “But speaking of crushes…”

It was all the invitation he needed.

*****

When Monica joined everyone at the breakfast table the next morning it was obvious that she hadn’t gotten much, if any, sleep. The dark circles were back, and she seemed paler than she had just the day before.

“Rough night?” Alex said quietly as she handed Monica a cup of coffee.

The angel shrugged as she took the cup and raised it to her lips. She couldn’t tell them that she had spent most of the night praying and hadn’t heard any reply, even in the deepest reaches of her heart.

“I think I expected it to be that way,” she said softly, not wanting to lie. “I just started thinking too much.”

“Monica, you should have come to get me,” Andrew said, looking at her with concern. If she wanted to prove she could handle being alone, that was one thing, but he couldn’t stand to see her suffer when there was something he could do about it.

“I was all right,” she said, trying to make her voice lighter. “No nightmares anyway,” she gave a brief grin before taking another sip of coffee.

Andrew didn’t look convinced, but he didn’t push it. He was going to have to talk to her eventually, but now wasn’t the right time. He needed to find out if she had somehow guessed his feelings and that was what was causing her to withdraw. He didn’t know how he could deny them without lying to her but he was willing to do just about anything to make things like they had been between them. He hadn’t slept much himself. Instead he had laid in his bed alternately staring at the ceiling and the door, asking himself over and over again why he had developed feelings for her, just to have them cause her pain.

*****

By that night however, the angel of death was ready to go back on his decision to wait.  The little angel had picked at all three of her meals today, scarcely eating anything, and no matter what she was doing, she was limiting his accessibility to her.  If she was reading, she chose to do it in the single chair, not risking him sitting down next to her, if he was in one room, she found an excuse to be in another and all the while she seemed to become more pale and withdrawn.

The four of them were watching a movie before turning in for the night, but it was all Andrew could do to concentrate on it.  He kept stealing glances at Monica, but it seemed like if she wasn’t engrossed in the movie, then at the very least she was pretending to be.  His heart was telling him that this had absolutely nothing to do with fearing a separation from him as she was already doing that now.  Looking up once more, he froze.  She was looking at him and the look of acute sadness in her dark eyes pierced his heart.

But a second later, she had looked away before getting up out of her chair, “I’m going to bed,” She was trying to sound cheerful, yet sleepy, but no one missed the tightness in her voice, “Good night.”

As she departed, there was silence for a moment before Andrew looked over at the two agents.  Alex had her eyebrows raised as if to ask “Well, aren’t you going to do something?” while Paul’s expression clearly stated “If you do anything, you’ll have me to answer to.”  Andrew decided he would side with Alex.

Wordlessly, he rose to his feet, purposefully avoiding Paul’s gaze and headed back the hallway to Monica’s room.  He would feel her out first and try to find out what the problem was.  He didn’t want to have to admit to his own feelings unless he absolutely had to, not wanting to drive this sudden wedge between them deeper.

He knocked once and instead of waiting for her to bid him enter, he opened the door to find her standing near the window and as she looked at him, his heart sprang to his throat at the tears in her eyes, “Angel, I think we need to talk.” His voice was gentle, not wanting to frighten her, but she turned her head away just the same.

“I’m fine, Andrew, really.  Just tired…” She tried to sound convincing, knowing she needed to get him out of here as quickly as possible.

But he was already shaking his head, “I think we both know that there is more than that to this, Monica.  You say you are trying to prepare yourself for being assigned elsewhere, but pulling away from me when I am right here with you, defeats any purpose.  You aren’t sleeping, you’re barely eating and I’m unable to just sit back and watch this any longer.”

“I just have things on my mind,” Monica argued weakly, still not turning to face him as one look at him could cause her emotions to be all over the place once more.

“That much is obvious, sweetheart, but it is time to let me help you with whatever those things are,” He risked a step closer to her, “You’ve been doing so well, angel…”

“I was,” She whispered sadly, reaching up to swipe at a tear that had fallen, before she found her resolve once more, “I’ll be all right, Andrew.  I just need some time to myself is all,” What she wanted was to fall into his arms and never let go, but she had to deny herself that now as the gesture that had always brought such peace, was suddenly much more complicated.

“Monica, let me help you,” He placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and watched as she flinched and then turned tear-filled eyes to him.

“You can’t help me…not with this.  Now please, just go.  Andrew…please…” She would beg if she had to.  For him to discover how she was feeling was more than she would ever be able to bear though the thought briefly occurred to her that whether she told him or not, she was slowly losing him.

He had nearly been ready to give up when a shadow of pain and great anguish crossed her face and he then knew he was staying until he found out the truth.  Whatever this was, it was eating her up inside and causing her to pull so far away and he was not about to run the risk of never reaching her again, “I’m not going anywhere until you tell me and I think you know that.  Talk to me, Monica..” She was shaking her head, but he was not giving up, “Tell me what this is all about so I can help you.  Why can’t I help with this?”

“Because you can’t, Andrew!”

“Why?  Tell me why.”

“Because you’re the problem!” The words were out and the look of hurt on his face went straight to her heart, “No, I don’t mean it like that, I don’t…” Her words broke on a sob, “I don’t know how to tell you this…you’ll never forgive me…I’ll lose you…”

His heart was pounding so loudly he was afraid he would soon see it on the floor in front of him, but he took what he hoped was a calming breath and stepped closer to take her face into his hands, “There is nothing so terrible that you could ever tell me that would make me walk away from you.  You have my word on that, angel.  I love you and nothing changes that, ever.”

Her breathes were nearly panicked, but she knew she had to explain, no matter how much she wanted to simply run out of here and hide, “When he…when he raped me…something else happened to me…I didn’t even realize it until the other day…but what he did has to be causing it, because I shouldn’t be feeling this way,” She shook her head once more.  This was too hard.  She couldn’t tell him.  She couldn’t even find the words.

“Tell me,” His voice was a whisper as he continued to gaze into her teary eyes.

Monica swallowed against the sudden tightness in her throat and closed her eyes briefly, “I’m having these feelings for you that I shouldn’t be having.  Feelings that I might have…if…if I were in…love with you…”

Andrew’s head reared back as he suddenly felt his breath catch in his throat, unable to believe the words she had just spoken.  Every fear he had felt about her ever knowing the truth, she had just confronted in her honesty and it was taking him a moment to adjust to what she had said.  He was feeling a million different things; a greater joy than he had ever felt before, and his heart felt full to bursting.  But the moment vanished as she pulled away from him and covered her face with her hands.

“I’m sorry…I’m sorry…” Her words were anguished and filled with shame and he didn’t waste another moment.

“No, angel, no,” his own hands were trembling as he took hers and pulled them away from her face, “You surprised me, baby, that’s all…you have no idea, angel…” She was crying and she lowered her head, trying to hide, but he stopped her with his hand under her chin, “Sweetheart, you have nothing to be ashamed of…I…I’ve been having the same feelings about you.”

Monica’s eyes widened as they searched his, hardly able to fathom that he felt the same way, “What?  When…Andrew?”

“I don’t know,” He whispered, his thumbs swiping at her tears, even as he smiled down at her, “I’m not sure…a few weeks, a few years…I was trying so damn hard not to think about it because I couldn’t tell you…”

“But it’s wrong,” She choked out, “We’re angels…we’re not supposed to feel this way…”

Andrew shook his head, “That’s what I thought at first too, Monica, but now…if you’re feeling the same things, then they could only come from the Father.  They didn’t come from what happened to you, angel.  They came from God.”

She closed her eyes once more, feeling his hand on her face, his warm and gentle touch, “Are you sure?” She whispered hoarsely, her hand trembling as she laid it over his.

“Yes,” He whispered, waiting until her eyes had opened once more to continue, “I love you, angel…” He didn’t think he could wait another moment as he brought his face closer to hers.  He kissed her forehead, and her cheeks, before he finally sought out her lips.

The little angel felt every bit of the electricity and stomach flutters as Andrew kissed her, his touch just as sweet as she ever could have imagined.  Her hand moved to touch his cheek, never wanting the moment to end, even as relief surged through her. She loved him so much.  He had always been the most perfect, sweet, compassionate soul she had ever known.  It was not what she had thought.  The rape had not caused this.

A split second later, her eyes had sprung open and she pulled away, her hand falling back to her side as fresh tears filled her brown eyes.

“Monica?” He was looking at her intently, feeling as if he had been robbed by the abrupt ending to what he had been wishing for, “What is it?”

She shook her head as her other hand moved to cover her mouth, “I can’t do this…”

The rape.  Did she think he was going to force anything onto her that she wasn’t ready for?  He understood all too well what had happened to her and he wasn’t about to rush anything for her, “Monica, I understand and it’s okay, baby…”

“No…even if this is right and what is supposed to happen…it can’t, Andrew…” He was looking at her with such love and concern and her tears were falling freely once more, “You deserve better…” Her voice was strangled and she could hardly get the words out, “You deserved better than me…I’m damaged...and you’re pure and I never will be again…You deserve better than a used angel…”

“Monica!” She had turned and fled from the room, with only the sounds of her sobs echoing behind her.

Paul and Alex both looked up sharply when they heard the Irish angel running down the hall.

“Monica, where are you going?” Paul demanded as she fumbled with the lock on the back door and shoved her feet into her sneakers.

“J-just out… I need to go out!”

“It’s almost eleven o’clock and you aren’t going anywhere,” the agent said as he pushed the door closed just as she managed to open it.

“Please, Paul, please, I can’t stay inside!” When he looked down at her stricken face for the first time he felt his stomach twist into a knot. The look of absolute naked pain in her eyes made his knees weak.

“Sweetheart…” he softened his voice.

“Please,” she whispered brokenly, her hand trembling as it gripped the doorknob.

“Paul, I’ll take her,” Alex volunteered as she stepped up behind the angel. “We’ll just go down to the barn. We’ll be fine.”

He was reluctant but the pleading look on his wife’s face convinced him to let them go. He released the door, but reached out to cup Monica’s face in his strong hand.

“Monica, whatever has happened… whatever he said… we’re still here for you. Everything is going to be all right.” He was going under the assumption that Andrew had stepped over that invisible line in the sand and as gentle as he was being with Monica, that was exactly how angry he was at the angel of death. She didn’t meet his eye and he looked over her shoulder at Alex who had grabbed their jackets. He didn’t need to say anything to her, they said everything with their eyes.

“C’mon honey,” Alex said gently as she helped Monica into her jacket and ushered her out the door.

They had barely left before Paul was stomping down to Monica’s room, blood in his eyes. “What the FUCK happened?” he shouted as he slammed the door open.

Andrew was sitting on the bed, head in his hands, looking absolutely distraught but the agent didn’t care what he was feeling, he cared what the already fragile little angel was feeling.

“I asked you a question! She just ran out there sobbing and fighting to get out of the house! I had to agree to let Alex take her down to the barn for a little while. So, I repeat, what the FUCK did you say to her?”

The angel looked up, eyes filled with pain. “I didn’t tell her… she told me,” he said, his voice dead. “And I don’t think I’ve ever been happier in my existence than I was at that moment.”

Paul was dumbstruck, and his fists slowly uncurled as he nearly staggered to the chair and dropped into it. “She… she feels the same way?”

“Yes… she thought that being raped had somehow twisted her feelings… and I had to tell her how wrong she was…” He looked up, his face taking on a look of peace. “We kissed, Paul… and I thought…”

The fists were back and Paul leaned forward. “Then what?” he asked, voice low.

“Don’t look at me that way!” Andrew shouted. “You look at me as if I would hurt her! As if I COULD hurt her! I would give up everything for her. Everything, and it still wouldn’t be enough. You and Alex… you share a love together, and a happiness that I envy. Why would you deny us the same joy?” He took a breath, and watched as Paul’s expression changed, remorse flitting through his eyes. “She pulled away. She looked so ashamed… she… she thinks she’s going to taint me or something… She can’t stop thinking that being raped has made her less than she was… Damnit Paul! Why did it take this to have our feelings come to the surface? Why couldn’t we have discovered them together, with nothing but the future to look forward to?”

“Andrew…” Paul shook his head, suddenly guilty for everything he had been thinking. “I’m sorry… I didn’t… I wasn’t thinking.”

Andrew didn’t even comment on his apology, “I don’t know how to make her see, Paul.  What happened to her changes nothing for me, nothing at all.  The fact that she has fought so hard to heal makes me love her even more and I didn’t think that was even possible,” He looked up and Paul could clearly see the pain in his eyes and knew he had been misjudging Andrew all along, “She is everything to me.”

“In the back of my mind, I always thought it was a shame that you two were angels as you fit together so well,” Paul remarked with a small grin before it faded away, “I’m sorry.  It is safe to say that where she is concerned, I’m a bit overly protective.  She saved my life in more ways then one and I owe her all I have now,” His expression set in determination, “And if there is anyway I can help you fix this, I will.  She deserves to be happy and damnit, I’ve always known that you make her happy.”

Andrew gave a weary nod.  He wanted with everything in him to go after the little angel, but he knew she didn’t want to see him right now.  He lowered his head and offered up a prayer for peace for her and when he felt God’s love fill him completely, he knew that what he had told Monica was absolutely true.  God had instilled these feelings; this match literally made in heaven.  He only hoped that the angel he loved would one day see it as well.