CHAPTER 16

“Honey, please calm down,” Alex pleaded, watching helplessly as her friend leaned her head up against Scout’s neck as she finally stopped her tearful pacing.  The little angel had been unable to settle down since they had come down to the barn and Alex was desperate to know what was wrong, “Please tell me what happened?”

Monica pressed her lips tightly together, trying to control the tears enough to speak, “He loves me, Alex…Andrew…he’s in love with me…and I feel the same way…”

The agent’s first impulse was to shout out in joy at this news, but she had a feeling that there was more to the story, “And this is a bad thing, why?”

She turned to face her friend, her dark eyes filled with complete distress and pain, “Andrew is perfect, Alex…he’s gentle and protective and my dearest friend.”

Alex kept thinking she was missing something in the translation for surely, she could not be this dense, “I’m sorry, honey, but I’m just not getting why you are so upset.  This is wonderful news!  You and Andrew belong together; you always have.  So why the tears, Monica?”

A soft sob escaped her, “Because he is all those things, Alex.  He deserves so much better than me.  I’ve been raped; another man has had me and I can’t be with Andrew knowing that….what Grady did has changed me forever and I’m always going to feel ashamed of that.”

Alex felt tears burn in her own eyes at the words of the Irish angel and she approached her carefully, wrapping an arm around her shoulders, “Monica, you are more wrong about this than you have been about anything else since this whole horrible thing happened to you.  Sweetie, this was never your cross to bear, but Grady made it as such.  He hurt YOU, Monica and because of that you want to deny yourself something that will make you so incredibly happy.”

“I can’t do this to him, Alex…I can’t.  I’m not worth what Andrew is offering and now it’s all ruined.  He kissed me and there is no way I’m moving forward…I can’t…but because he kissed me, I can’t go back either.  Things are never going to be the same and I’m going to lose my best friend!”

“No,” Alex was already shaking her head, “You won’t.  I don’t think there is a snowball’s chance in hell of that happening, Monica.  He is always going to be there for you, no matter what you decide.  But damn, girl, don’t throw this away so easily.”

“I have to,” Her voice caught in another sob, “I’m damaged, Alex, and he isn’t!  He deserves someone pure and I can never be that someone!  I can’t allow him to touch what Grady already destroyed!”

“Damnit, Monica, this isn’t a disease!” Alex began, but she stopped seeing a shadow at the door of the barn and her eyes met with those of her husband helplessly as the little angel began to sob once more.

“Sweetheart, go on up to the house.  Monica and I need to have a little talk,” His voice was gentle, but not allowing for any argument.

“Please get through to her,” Alex whispered, barely loud enough for Paul to hear.

He squeezed her hand as she passed by. He would certainly do his best.

Monica had collapsed on a bale of hay opposite Scout’s stall and Paul walked over to her and sat down beside her.

“Mind if I sit here?” he asked, and she shook her head, tears still falling from her eyes as fast as she wiped them away. He pulled a tissue out of his pocket and handed it to her, waiting for her to calm down a bit.

“You talked to Andrew,” she finally said.

He looked at her sheepishly though her eyes were fixed on the floor. “Well, yeah. After you left I stormed down to your room ready to break both his arms.”

That got her attention, and she looked at him, guilty and alarmed. “It wasn’t him,” she said quickly. “He didn’t do anything wrong… you didn’t…”

He placed a steady hand on her knee. “Don’t worry, I blew off some steam, but he was the one who put me in my place.” He straightened up and looked at her sternly. “And now it’s time for me to do the same to you.”

“Wh-what? But you already know…” she felt tears welling up again, and her throat closed, choking off her words.

“I know what you think and I know what he thinks, and now I’m here to tell you what I think, and you’re going to listen to every word very carefully. Do we have a deal?”

She nodded slightly, wondering what he was about to say. Whatever it was, it couldn’t change the facts. It couldn’t rewind time and stop the rape from happening, and it couldn’t force her feelings back into hiding.

“Actually, I’m not even gonna talk about you and Andrew. I want to talk about Alex.” Monica looked at him questioningly, and he continued. “What do you think of her?”

She was surprised by the question, but she swallowed past the tears and answered, “You know I love her. She’s perfect for you… strong, smart, beautiful…”

Paul smiled. “Yeah, that’s pretty much what I think too. Now, if she had been the one in that alley instead of you, do you think any of that would have changed?”

Monica went back to studying the floor. “It wouldn’t have happened to her. She would have fought him off.”

“I met William Grady, Monica. He was a huge, strong guy. If he had caught her unaware I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s a fight she would have won.”

“Yes, she would have,” she whispered.

He sighed. “All right then, let’s go back a while. What if Devin Jackson hadn’t grabbed you when he took Alex? What if he had decided to rape her. There’s no way she would have been able to get away from him.”

Monica shrugged and didn’t reply.

“Do you think that would have changed how I felt about her?”

The angel looked up, dark eyes tearfully meeting his. “No, you still would have loved her, and I know Andrew still loves me, but that…that’s the problem…”

“Oh yeah, that’s right. Because you’re unclean now,” Paul said a bit harshly. “So I guess Alex would have been unclean too? You really think she would have been damaged goods? Unworthy?”

“I… I don’t…”

“Come on, Monica, yes or no? Would you have had me turn my back on her and walk away? Looked around for someone better? Someone who hadn’t been tainted?”

The words were hard and rough and Monica flinched, shrinking into herself. Of course she didn’t believe that. Alex still would have been Alex. But it was different for her… it was different for Andrew.

“It’s not the same,” she said at last, words falling from her lips.

“Not the same because you’re angels, you mean? Well, I’m here to tell you that Andrew’s feelings are one hundred percent human. He loves you, Monica. He loves you with his whole heart. You know what he told me? He told me that when you said you loved him it was the happiest moment he’s ever known.”

She let out a sob and he quickly wrapped an arm around her trembling shoulders. “He said that?” she whispered.

“Yes, he did, and you know he’s an angel… lying isn’t an option,” he said with a grin as he hugged her.

“Why did it have to happen this way? Why couldn’t it have been different?” she was crying but Paul almost chuckled.

“Oh, yeah, you mean more like Alex and I? We didn’t exactly have an easy start if you’ll remember. You did hear that the first time we kissed it was because she was sure she was about to die, right?” He was actually surprised that he could look back on that time and smile, but with everything that had come afterwards, it was hard not to treasure every moment that they had shared.

“I know… but Alex… she was never afraid…”

“Never afraid? Of course she was! We were both petrified! We didn’t know what the hell we were doing, we just knew how we felt about each other, and it was worth the risk.”

Monica leaned her head against Paul’s shoulder. “I know how I feel about Andrew. My heart hurts it’s so full of love for him.”

Paul felt a tear coming to his own eyes. “Then don’t you think you should be spending this time with him instead of wasting it out here?”

“I don’t know what I’ll say to him,” She whispered shakily, not moving her head from his shoulder.

“My recommendation, honey, is to start out with the truth and the way you two feel about each other will take you the rest of the way,” He kissed the top of her head before he rose to his feet, pulling her up with him, “C’mon.  There’s an angel up there who really wants to see you.”

Monica nodded her head as she allowed Paul to lead her from the barn.  It was late and she had no idea of what she was going to say, but what she did know was that she loved the angel who was up at the house…waiting for her.

*****

Andrew had not moved from the edge of the bed since Paul had left the room, his thoughts completely in turmoil.  It was over as quickly as it had begun and he was trying to decide how to best repair their damaged relationship.  If they weren’t moving forward, he would do his best to at least fix what they had before.  He wanted her in his existence, at whatever level she would allow.

He ignored the soft knock at the door, certain it was Alex to check on him, for she surely had the whole story by now and it wasn’t until the door opened that he raised his head.  His breath caught in his throat at the sight of the little angel.  Her tired eyes were red and swollen from crying and her expression was still uncertain, but she was here.  Nothing else mattered.

She moved silently towards him and sat down next to him, trying to collect her thoughts enough to speak.  As he turned to face her, she searched his eyes and was not disappointed at what she saw; unconditional love that would never end, no matter what she decided about anything, compassion for the things she was feeling and an understanding that went beyond her comprehension.  Fresh tears filled her eyes as she opened her mouth to try to speak, but a moment later, she was on her knees, his face in her hands, kissing him with everything that was in her heart.

It only took Andrew a fraction of a second to adjust to this new situation and his heart nearly burst from his chest.  His trembling hands cupped her face as he closed his eyes, tasting her mouth as his tongue parted her lips and the kiss moved to a new level altogether.

It was Andrew who broke it off abruptly but he never moved his hands from her face, “Talk to me, angel,” He was nearly breathless, but didn’t want to do anything to hurt or endanger her, even if it meant putting aside his own emotions to make sure she was not simply acting to please him.

Tears had raced down her face as they had kissed and she felt his fingers swiping at them, “I love you,” She whispered, her voice catching on a tiny sob, “I do, Andrew…I love you so much and if you…if you can see past what he did to me…then I’ll try to do that as well and maybe one day I’ll even believe it.”

“I want that for you, baby, more than anything,” His own voice was choked as he continued to hold her teary gaze.

“Me too.  I don’t want William Grady to destroy this and that is what I was letting him do and he doesn’t deserve that from me.  He took enough and though I don’t understand how you can know that and still feel the way you do, I don’t want to question it,” Though there were still tears, she was speaking with more conviction than she had since that horrible night, “and I don’t know where this is leading us, and I don’t even know if I would ever be able to…”

“It doesn’t matter,” He whispered quickly to her, his hands moving to run through her hair reassuringly, “Sweetheart, that doesn’t matter to me one bit.  Just to be able to not hide what I’m feeling for you, just to be with you, that’s what matters to me.  I would never want or ask anything from you that you were not completely comfortable with.  I love you, angel, and I never want to do anything to hurt you.”

“Andrew…” his name was but a breath on her lips, but he understood and pulled her tightly into his arms and she allowed the emotions she had been trying so hard to bury, to burst forth from her very soul.  He had hugged her more times that she could ever count, but this time she truly felt the strength of arms that would always shelter her and hands that would never hurt her and the pounding of a heart that loved her completely.

He held her for several long minutes, until her tears dried, before he pulled away to be able to look at her and his jaw clenched to hold back his own emotions, “You are everything to me,” He repeated the words he had told Paul to the angel who needed to hear them, “You’re beautiful, angel, both inside and out and I won’t stop saying those words until you believe them,” He grinned at her, “and even after that.”

A small giggle emerged from her and Andrew was sure it was the sweetest sound he had heard all night.  Ever so gently, he laid a hand on her cheek and kissed her tenderly before whispering to her, “You’re beautiful, Monica and just this moment alone is more than I could ever want.”

“Where do we go from here?” She asked softly, her trusting eyes looking into his own.

Her question took him by surprise, realizing that he had no idea, “Oh.  Hmmm.  Well, how about an official date Saturday night?” He grinned mischieveously at her as she laughed at his suggestion, before his gaze turned tender, “I love the sound of your laugh, angel, and I’ve missed it lately,” He stroked her cheek, lost in the moment.  He planned on making her laugh often starting tomorrow once she had some sleep, “So, is it a date?”

Monica felt her heart flutter nervously.  A date with her best friend was definitely a first, “Yes.  I think I would enjoy that very much.  Where will you take me?”

But he shook his head firmly, “Top secret information, angel.  You just worry about being ready by six ‘o clock.”

She smiled and nodded her head, “I think I can do that,” She replied, making a mental note to ask Alex to go into town with her tomorrow.  It may be difficult, but maybe it was time to do away with the flannel shirts.  She had been inprisoned in them long enough and she would be with Andrew.  No harm would come to her.

“You’re tired,” He stated after a moment, his fingers tracing along her jaw, “And it’s late, so why don’t  you get ready for bed.”

“You’ll stay with me tonight?” Monica asked hopefully.  Despite the confessions of their love for each other, she knew she had nothing to be afraid of; he had made that abundantly clear.

“You wouldn’t be able to get rid of me if you tried,” He assured her as he leaned over to kiss her once more.

As their lips parted, she grabbed her nightgown and rose to her feet, hating the thought of even this brief seperation from him right now, “Let me go change and there is something I need to do.” She saw the understanding in his eyes before she turned and left the room.

Paul was right where she expected him to be; pacing the living room floor and he looked up at her through worried eyes as she entered the room.  A moment later, she had wrapped her arms around him and was hugging him tightly.

“Thank you.” She whispered in his ear.

“It was my pleasure, sweetheart,” He smiled as he embraced her tightly.  He had been able to see the happiness in her eyes before she had hugged him and his heart felt lighter over that look then it had been in weeks. 

“I love you.  Good night,” She moved her head to kiss his cheek before she released him, but he held fast to her hand.

“You’re okay?”

Monica smiled and drew in a deep breath, “Nearly perfect….as close as I can be.”

“That’s all I need to know then, honey.  Get some sleep,” He watched as she started from the room, before he added, “Monica?” As she looked back at him, he smiled, “I love you too.”

Andrew was waiting for her once she had changed in the bathroom and returned to her room.  As she slipped in next to him, she felt the exhaustion hit her full force, but it was a pleasant feeling this time.  Today had been hard…maybe the hardest day in the past month, but she could not have asked for a happier ending.

Once she was settled, Andrew tilted her chin, unable to resist one last kiss to dream on and when she returned her head to his chest, the contented smile on her face nearly melted his heart, “I love you, angel.  Sleep.”

Her eyes closed on a breath, “I love you too.”