CHAPTER 2

Monica opened her eyes but she didn’t want to move. The clock on the bedside table told her that she had slept for almost six hours, but she felt like she hadn’t actually rested at all. Curled under the numerous blankets at least she finally felt warm. She thought about Alex gently tucking her in and squeezed her eyes shut. The woman was trying so hard to help her and she wasn’t acting very appreciative. She’d barely said three words to her.

The angel rolled over, wishing that she could fall back asleep and just keep sleeping forever. She tried closing her eyes, but immediately opened them. Without the pills to help her relax she saw a grainy movie of what had happened to her every time she tried to sleep. The sun was out and the earlier rain clouds had all pushed off. Through the open window Monica could hear birds and smell lilacs. Normally either one of those things would have been enough to make her jump out of bed. Now, she had to force herself just to move.

Keeping the afghan pulled around her shoulders, she walked to the window. Her room looked out over the barn and the fields and she saw Paul and Andrew walking down the path to the barn. They were obviously deep in conversation and she didn’t have to wonder what it was about. The thought of them talking about her made her sick to her stomach.

Turning away from the window she quietly made her way to the door and opened it slowly. Her footsteps barely made a sound and she managed to make it to the top of the stairs before her stomach clenched. She could hear Alex and Tess talking in low voices down in the living room. Tess was probably drinking tea and Alex most likely had a cup of coffee, heavy on the milk. The little angel abruptly turned on her heel and fled down the hall. She just couldn’t face them yet. She made a mad dash into the bathroom, afraid that she was going to be sick again despite the fact that she hadn’t had anything to eat.

Her breath was coming in quick pants and she sat down on the toilet seat cover and put her face in her hands to try to get it under control. When she looked up and saw the tub reflected in the mirror she suddenly pulled the grey sweatshirt over her head. She still felt so dirty, and the shower was right there, calling to her. She knew that Alex wouldn’t mind as she pulled a towel from under the sink and slid back the shower curtain to turn the water on hot.

The sweatshirt lay on the floor where she had tossed it and she wanted to burn it. It was nothing but a reminder, but she didn’t have any other clothes. She picked it up and carefully folded it and placed it on the counter, then pulled off the white t-shirt she had been given. As soon as it was over her head she caught sight of herself in the mirror and froze. The marks on her breasts stood out against her pale skin, dark blue bruises already forming where he had cruelly groped her. She stared at herself for a full minute, completely detached, just taking in the sight as if it was someone else. Then she moved to fold the t-shirt and the illusion was broken. It was her own body she was staring at, the marks a sign of violation, and she burst into hot tears and crossed her arms in front of her chest, unable to bear the sight.

Being an angel, she had never given much thought to her body, one way or another, and she had never thought of it in a sexual way. No one was ever supposed to see her like that. No one was ever supposed to touch her like that, and now… Now it wasn’t even someone she loved who had seen her… touched her… It was a sick and brutal stranger whose face was permanently etched in her mind. She struggled to wipe at her tear-streaked face, and saw that the mirror had fogged up from all the steam. Quickly she took off the rest of her clothes and wasted no time stepping into the nearly scalding stream of water.

*****

“Is that the shower?” Tess asked, glancing towards the stairs.

Alex nodded sadly. “At least she felt able to get out of bed… I suppose we should be thankful for that.” Her tone of voice indicated that she was finding it difficult to be thankful for anything regarding Monica’s situation.

“I should fix her something to eat if she’s up,” Tess said, moving to rise, but Alex stopped her with a hand on her arm.

“Tess, you’ve seen women who have been raped. She’s not going to want to eat anything.”

The older angel’s eyes flashed. “Well I don’t care about everyone else right now. I care about Monica and she needs to eat.”

Alex recognized that Tess just needed to feel like she was doing something, and she slowly nodded her head and moved her hand. “The kitchen is all yours.”

She watched as Tess left the room and then glanced out the window at her husband and his friend. With all her heart she wished that they had been brought back together by happy circumstances. She would gladly have gone without seeing them for a year if it would have saved Monica the pain she was currently feeling. The water had been running for nearly fifteen minutes and Alex walked down into the basement. The hot water heater could be temperamental and she didn’t want Monica running out.

*****

“I can’t believe I’m asking you to do this, Paul,”

“As if you had to ask? I’m about to form a posse and hang this guy from the nearest tree… by his balls!”

Andrew wasn’t used to thinking in terms like that but he had to admit that imagining Monica’s attacker suffering brought him a sliver of satisfaction in a dark corner of his heart.

“I want to hunt him down myself,” Andrew said lowly, “but I’ve spent a lot of time trying to get the anger I sometimes feel under control, and Monica has been a huge part of that. It would just upset her even more if she saw me losing control.”

“Oh, but me losing control is okay, eh?” Paul tried to lighten the mood but Andrew barely smiled. “It’s okay, Andrew. I’ve got buddies in the police force in Boston and there’s even an FBI field office there. We’ll find this bastard.”

Andrew shoved his hands in his pockets as they continued their walk to the barn. There was so much he was struggling with and his anger was only a part of it. Maybe coming here was meant to be a healing time for all of them.

“I should have been there,” he said as Paul opened the barn door.

“What? Buddy, you can’t think that way. Even angels can’t see the future. You didn’t know it was going to happen.”

“I don’t even know how to talk to her now,” he slumped down on a bale of hay and stared up at the rafters.

Paul was silent for a minute as he walked up and down the aisle. He tried to imagine how he would feel if anything like that happened to Alex, and he could hardly do it. Just the thought made his stomach lurch.

“Give it time, Andrew. It hasn’t even been twenty-four hours. From what I’ve seen she’s barely functioning.

The angel looked up and met Paul’s eyes. “She won’t even let me touch her. I don’t think she’s afraid… it seems more like she thinks she doesn’t deserve any comfort.” His voice was rough and bitter.

Paul sat down beside the angel and clasped his shoulder. “She’ll come around. That’s why God sent you here.”

*****

Although Tess spent the better part of the afternoon cooking, Alex’s prediction was correct. The Irish angel didn’t want any part of it. Tess was finally able to convince her to at least have some soup, but even that was a struggle, and immediately afterwards she announced that she was tired. It was the truth. Although everyone now knew what had happened, no one wanted to act any differently around her, and the strain of holding herself together and making small talk, on top of everything else, was simply too great.

No one else felt much like talking either, and by nine thirty they had all retreated to their bedrooms. All except Andrew, who stood outside Monica’s door, hand raised but afraid to knock. He finally tapped twice on the dark wood and slowly opened the door. Monica was sitting up in bed, with all the lights off, and she turned her head slightly as Andrew walked in.

“Having trouble sleeping?” he asked, and a shrug was her reply. “I have another pill for you,” he said, holding out his hand.

She hated having to rely on human medication, but she was so tired, and she so wanted to escape into sleep. She took the offered pill and swallowed it quickly.

“Here, let me help you,” he said as he arranged her pillows and held the covers up as she slipped further underneath them. He was looking at the empty spot in her bed that was usually his and then his eyes drifted to the chair in the corner. Given the circumstances he didn’t think the bed was even an option, but he went to move the chair closer to the bed.

“Andrew?” she whispered.

He was at her side in a heartbeat. “What is it Angel?”

“I…” this was so hard for her and her throat was beginning to close. “I don’t think I can have you watching me tonight,” she uttered miserably.

Andrew blinked and nearly shook his head as if he had misheard her. There was a pain in his chest that he had never felt before, and it matched the pain in his soul. “Monica…” he was about to try to convince her, but one look into her already desperate eyes changed his mind. “It’s all right. I’ll be right next door. All you have to do is call and I’ll be here in a flash.”

She nodded and a tear escaped to roll down the side of her face and into her hair. Andrew automatically brushed his thumb tenderly over the trail it had left, then held his breath and hoped she wouldn’t pull away. To his great relief she actually tilted her head towards his hand. Feeling braver, he leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek.

“I love you, Angel. You’ll get through this and we are all here to help you… including God.”

She pressed her lips together, unable to answer beyond a quick nod. Andrew swallowed the emotion in his own throat, stood up and walked slowly to the door.

“Andrew?” he heard just as he was about to close it. “I love you too.”

The blond angel retreated to his own room, feeling completely bereft. This was the first time that Monica hadn’t let him hold her to make her feel better and ease her to sleep. He clenched his fists as he thought about the son of a bitch who had all but ripped her away from him.

He was still awake an hour later when he heard her whimpering in her sleep. It was very soft and yet somehow he had been able to hear it. When he felt God’s love flowing through him an instant later he knew how. His next breath was in Monica’s room, and he reached out his hand and soothed her back to a restful sleep. The glow that had accompanied him to her room faded but he made no move to leave. He didn’t want to go against her wishes, but right simply couldn’t drag himself away. There were too many thoughts flooding through his mind, and all of them involved her. He sat down in the chair where it stood in the corner. He was further away than he wanted to be, but at least he could see her as he tried to calm his own troubled mind.

He had so many questions.  Had she fought against him hard enough?  He shook his head, angry with himself for even thinking such a thing.  Judging by the slow and painful way she had been walking, it seemed as if she had used every muscle in her tiny frame to stop him.  In human form, she only possessed the strength of the small woman that she was and it wouldn’t have taken a huge man to overpower her.  The very thought of someone pinning her to the ground to violate her so horribly caused him to bristle.

He wondered if her assailant had a weapon to further add to the terror she must have been feeling.  Tess had said that there had been a long cut against her hip and he wondered if that had occurred during the attack or if she had somehow cut herself getting to the shed.  Part of him didn’t want to know anymore than he already did, but he also knew that the little sleeping angel in front of him needed to be able to get the words out of her system eventually.  He wanted to hear more from her lips than broken pieces of sentences.

As he watched her he felt a sense of nearly overwhelming love as well as a fierce need to protect her.  He had always marveled at the intense range of emotions that ran through him where Monica was concerned as well as the affect she had on him.  A smile from her could brighten the darkest of his days and her laugh was one of the most wonderful sounds God had ever created.  He wondered when he would see or hear those two things again.

She had always shared everything with him and her silence now was agonizing.  He knew the depths of her pain; he could feel them within his own heart.  Now this man had taken something from her that he could never share with her and that thought infuriated him, even though he didn’t completely understand his own feelings.  Angels didn’t really know what human physical love involved, but what she had been shown was nothing of the tender and intimate act that God had intended it to be.  That infuriated him as well.  The thought of this man taking someone and something so precious to him was enough to make him want to forget he was an angel and go in search of the man himself.

His thoughts were interrupted when his friend suddenly began to tremble in her sleep and he rose from his chair to grab another blanket from the stack that Alex had placed in the room earlier that day.  He covered her gently with it, his eyes pained at the obvious flashbacks she was having.  Tears fell from beneath her dark lashes and he ached to hold her close, but knew it was not what she wanted. 

He sighed sadly, and turned to go back to his room.  To watch her suffer and not be able to intervene was more than he could bear.  But before he reached the door, he heard her murmur tearfully.

“Andrew…help me…please help me…”

Tears burned in his eyes, knowing her sleeping thoughts were voicing what her awakening ones would not, “I will, angel,” He whispered hoarsely, “I promise you, I will find a way.”