CHAPTER 3

Paul woke up just after the sun had slowly risen in the sky to the sound of Alex rummaging through their closest.  He opened his eyes, enjoying her womanly shape that was silhouetted through the thin nightie she wore and he considered beckoning her back to bed for much more than sleep.  Then he noticed her intense expression and he propped himself up on his elbow, “Alex?”

She spun around, her face showing her chagrin, “I didn’t mean to wake you, honey.”

“What are you looking for?” His expression was puzzled, noticing the stack of clothing she had placed on the end of their four poster bed.

“Clothes for Monica,” She stated firmly, yanking another heavy plaid shirt from the shelf in the closet, “All she has is the clothing the hospital gave her and they are a constant reminder for her.  She needs something different.”

He sat up and looked through the pile she had already stacked, “Not exactly her taste and her frame is smaller than yours.”

But she was already shaking her head, “It doesn’t matter.  She isn’t going to want anything form fitting anyway; nothing that will remind her in any way of what he did to her.  She’s going to want to lose herself in them and the only other important thing is that they are warm.”

He chuckled softly and shook his head, “Sweetheart, you are about to roast us out of the house as it is.  It’s spring and the weather had been beautiful…”

“And she has been all but freezing, Paul.  She isn’t letting anyone do much for her, so we need to help in any way she will allow until she is ready for more.”

He saw the tears lingering in her eyes and he reached for her hand, pulling her to sit down on the bed next to him, “Alex, what is going on here?  I know you feel badly for her.  Hell, we all feel terrible, but this is something more.”

She was quiet for a moment before she met his concerned gaze, “My best friend in college was raped, Paul.  She didn’t seem to be having as hard a time as Monica is, but…two months later, she committed suicide.”

“Oh Alex,” His voice held great sorrow as his hand moved to her cheek, “I’m sorry, baby.”

“I kept thinking I didn’t do enough for her, but she masked it all so well,” She explained softly as he swiped at a tear that had escaped her eye, “That’s why this is so important.  I know that Monica is an angel, but her emotions are still real and if all I can do right now is clothes, heat and blankets, then so be it.  But I won’t stand by and do nothing.”

Reaching over, Paul placed his hand behind her head to pull her close to kiss her tenderly, “Thank you, for thinking of the little things that we have overlooked and that I now realize must be so important to that little angel.”

“I know how much she means to you, Paul.  I love her too and despite the terrible circumstances, I’m glad she is here.”

“Me too, honey,” He paused for a moment before grinning at her, “You know, no one else is up yet…”

“What are you proposing, Gatlin?” Her eyes twinkled mischieveously, grateful for the diversion from what was on her heart.

“I’m proposing that my woman gets her sweet little rear end back in bed so I can have my way with her,” He growled playfully as he captured her around the waist and gently flung her back down on the bed.  He then quickly captured her retort with his lips.

*****

Monica awoke early and with a start, her heart feeling as if it would surely pound out of her chest and as if his hands were all over her body.  Her breathing came hard as she struggled to release herself from the nightmare, but the images continued to play out before her eyes.  She felt him twisting her breast and cruelly violating her body again and again as she struggled blindly to free herself from the blankets that had twisted around her body, holding her captive.

She was crying and fighting out against him, before she let out what she had been unable to that night while it had been happening.  A scream filled her lungs and emerged from the very depths of her soul, filling the room.

The entire house responded, but Andrew was first, bursting through the door.  He recognized her plight immediately and raced to the bed, freeing her as the screams continued to sound through the room.  Knowing the risk he was taking, he took her face into his hands, “Monica!  It’s me.  You’re safe, Monica,” He watched as her swollen eyes slowly focused on his face and the scream died on her lips.  The brown pools were filled with terror and a shame greater than he had ever seen from anyone before, “It’s me, baby.”

Her attacker had called her “baby” but it in no way resembed the tender sound she was now hearing and a moment later, adrenhaline still coursing through her veins, she had thrown herself into his arms full force, finally allowing herself momentary safety.

Andrew closed his eyes briefly in relief, as he held her as tightly as he dared as the gut wretching sobs emerged from someplace deep inside of her.  He didn’t know how long she would allow him to hold her close, but he would take whatever she permitted.  He only knew that for the moment, she was in his arms and for that alone, he was eternally grateful.

Her sobs were like none he had ever heard from her before; raw and convulsing as she clung to him desperately, her fingers curled around his shirt so tightly her knuckles were white.  He looked over at the doorway and saw Tess, Paul and Alex and his eyes pleaded with them to go for now.  He wanted these moments and he wanted them alone with her.  He saw Paul nod his head in understanding as the agent laid a hand on Tess’ and Alex’s shoulders and steered them away.  Then the angel turned his complete attention on the angel he loved more than any other, praying for the right words if the moment lasted that long.

“I’m here, angel,” He whispered to her, resting his chin on her head.  He longed to be able to tell her it was over, but he knew it was anything but.  Feeling her shaking, he released one hand long enough to cover her shoulders with a blanket, before holding her tightly once more, “I’m here.”

Minutes ticked by before she began to exhaust herself and she slowly quieted, listening to the soothing sound of his heartbeat, feeling too numb to cry anymore.  She couldn’t begin to understand why he was holding her. 

Pity perhaps.  Or a sense of obligation stemming from years of friendship.  She knew the truth though.  In fifteen minutes that had seemed a lifetime, one man had taken everything from her because God had allowed it to happen to her.  Her existence held no worth and she was now forever impure.

Andrew continued to hold her, loath to speak and have the moment be lost, but he knew she had to talk if only she would, “Tell me what happened,” He requested with all the gentleness in his being.

“I can’t,” Her breathing hitched as she whispered the words.  It was her shame.  How could she share it with one who remained clean? 

“Monica, you’re safe here. You can tell me,” he assured her, thinking that she must still be afraid, and not guessing at her real reason for remaining silent.

She shook her head, and he felt her begin to tense and cursed himself for pushing even that tiny amount. He tried to soothe her again, reaching up and gently stroking her hair, but it was too late. She started to pull away and he knew he couldn’t hold onto her without upsetting her even more.

The absence of his arms around her felt like an almost physical ache and yet she felt guilty for wanting them back again. She pulled the blanket tighter instead and choked back the last of her tears. Andrew’s warmth was so close she could feel it but in her mind he may as well have been a thousand miles away. Another sob rose in her throat and she forced it back. She was losing everything and she couldn’t begin to imagine how she could ever get it back. Andrew was looking at her with such sadness in his eyes and she couldn’t bear to look at him. She was hurting him. She was hurting everyone she loved and the knowledge brought her even more pain and guilt.

Andrew risked everything by speaking again, “I’m not going to push you… I promise you… But whenever you are ready, I’m here. I love you so much and all I want is to help you, Angel.”

Monica’s grip on the blanket tightened. “I’m not an angel anymore,” her voice was flat and dead.

He felt his stomach twist painfully and a combination of rage and sorrow flowed through him. His hands reached up and grabbed hers, holding them tightly and not letting go even when she started to pull back. She had to listen to him. If there was one thing he had to convince her of, it was this.

“Monica, you have been an angel since the moment God created you and you will be one until the end of eternity. Nothing! Nothing can take that from you!”

She finally met his gaze and held it for the first time since he found her in that filthy shed and her eyes held a level of grief and despair that he had never seen. “God can… He left me, Andrew… He left me there and I haven’t felt Him since! He doesn’t want me as His angel… and why should he?”

“Stop it! You’re talking crazy! God loves you with everything that is good and pure in the universe. He is heartbroken over what happened to you. He hasn’t abandoned you… he hasn’t!”

“But I’m not!” she screamed. “I’m not pure, I’m filthy! Can’t you see that?” She ripped her hands out of his and collapsed onto the bed, burying her face in the pillows.

Andrew stared at her in shock. Her pain was washing over him in waves and it crashed up against the seething rage and guilt that bubbled up from his heart. He quickly stood up and backed away from the bed. He wasn’t helping her. He was only hurting her even more. He all but ran to the door, then froze with his hand on the doorknob.

“I wish I could convince you of how wrong you are, Angel,” he whispered, and then he was gone.

*****

“What happened in there?” Paul stood up as Andrew entered the kitchen.

They had all heard Monica screaming at him and now his defeated expression only added to their confusion and worry. He sat down heavily and studied the wood grain of the tabletop.

“Baby? Is she all right?” Tess asked, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“I don’t…” he was about to lie but he stopped himself. “No… no she isn’t, and right now I don’t know what to do to help her.” He pushed himself back from the table and stood up, not facing any of them. “Excuse me… I need some air,” he said, and quickly left through the back door, not even bothering with a jacket.

“I’m going after him,” Paul announced a minute later.

“Paul…” Alex was uncertain. Maybe Andrew just needed some time alone.

The agent’s voice was stern and certain. “I said, I’m going after him,” he repeated. “We’ve got one angel in there who is practically afraid of her own shadow, and the one angel who can help her just walked out the door. He doesn’t need to be alone. He needs to talk.”

When Tess reluctantly nodded her agreement Alex sighed and released her husband’s arm. “Take his coat,” she said as he approached the door. “It’s early and I saw frost on the grass.”

A smirk lightened the tension on Paul’s face. “Yes, Mom,” he said, shrugging into his own beaten up barn jacket, and grabbing Andrew’s from the hook before heading out the door.

He saw Andrew walking past the barn and continuing on along the path. Picking up the pace, he jogged down to catch up with him. The angel’s strides were long and determined although the path he was walking led nowhere but straight back to the barn.

“Andrew! Buddy, wait up!” he called out, and the angel slowed his pace although he didn’t stop and he didn’t turn around.

Paul slowed to a walk as he approached, hoping that talking to him really was the right thing to do. “You forgot your jacket,” he said as if that was the only reason he had chased after him. “You know how wives are,” he continued with a smirk.

Andrew rolled his eyes as he put on the jacket.

“Of course, now that I’m here…”

The angel’s face turned serious again just before he turned away.

“Come on, Andrew. This is me you’re talking to. I want to help you.” He took a breath. “I want to help her… and getting you back in there with her will definitely help.”

“I wouldn’t bet on it,” Andrew replied with just a touch of bitterness.

Paul just stared at him, waiting for him to relent, and within a minute of walking he did.

“She doesn’t even think she’s an angel anymore, Paul,” Andrew’s tone now was filled desperation. “She thinks God abandoned her… that He wants nothing to do with her…”

“What?” Of all the things he was expecting to hear, that didn’t even make the list.

Andrew kicked angrily at a rock and sent it skittering into the woods. “I tried to tell her she was wrong, but I’m angry at Him myself.” He had told Tess that he didn’t see how this could possibly be part of a greater plan, and that was still how he felt.

“Of course you’re angry!” Andrew’s eyes widened and he stared at the agent. “You love her more than anything else, and she has been hurt in the worst way possible, Andrew. You’d be a heartless bastard if you weren’t fucking furious!”

“But how can I reassure her when I feel this way? I’m blaming myself, I’m blaming God…” he lowered his head and whispered. “Last night I even found myself wondering if she had fought hard enough.”

Paul stopped and clamped his hand on Andrew’s shoulder, forcing him to turn and face him. “Andrew, you are feeling everything that a husband would feel, and I hate to be the one to break it to you, but for all intents and purposes, Monica is your wife. What you’re feeling is normal. What you need to remember is that you are also an angel. You know about his love and mercy and healing power first hand. Hold onto that knowledge even when you are the most angry. I hear that He won’t mind, even if you feel the need to curse him out,” he said with a wink. “He’s strong enough to take it and still be there to prop you up afterwards.”

Andrew shook his head, wondering when Paul had learned so much. He was just about expecting him to start to glow. “I’ll keep that in mind,” was all he said, but it was obvious that he had taken every word to heart.

“Good, because there’s a little angel in there who needs you.”

*****

Andrew walked for a long time before returning to the house.  He needed time to think and to talk to God.  Monica needed time to calm because once he reached her room, she would be in for the battle of her existence.  The sun would not fall again with her believing God was punishing her or no longer wanted anything to do with her.

Tess looked up when he walked in the back door, seeing his determination on his face, “You all right, baby?”

He ignored the question, unsure as to how to answer it.  He felt more centered at the very least and completely committed to his cause, “Has she come out of her room at all today?”

Tess shook her head sadly, though she was trying to decifer what it was he was planning.  She knew him well enough to know that his mind was set on something, “She won’t even eat.  That baby has had nothing more than half a bowl of soup since this all happened and she can’t go on like this.  The last thing I want to do is push her-.”

“You don’t have to, as I will,” He stated firmly as he began to walk from the kitchen, “Make her a plate for lunch, please Tess.  She’ll either eat it out here or in her room, but she’ll eat.”

He knocked once before opening her door and he nearly lost his nerve as her vacant eyes turned to him before quickly looking away.  He steeled himself against her expression though and after closing the door behind him, walked to her bed and sat down, “You don’t have to say a word.  You don’t even have to look at me.  But you’re going to listen, Monica.” He heard her sharp intake of breath, but he continued anyway, “You sit here and tell me God has abandoned you, that you aren’t worthy to be an angel anymore and you may even believe these things, but I won’t Monica.”

He was very rarely harsh with her and now his tone was bordering on it and she found herself growing angry, “You don’t understand!”

“You’re right.  There are some things I don’t understand.  I don’t understand why this happened to you, but even more than that, I don’t understand how you can possibly believe the things you are telling yourself.  The Father sent Tess and I to find you.  He told us to bring you here, so you could be surrounded by those that love you.  Does that sound to you like He has abandoned you, because it sure as hell doesn’t to me!”

Hot tears welled up in her already swollen eyes, “I begged Him to help me!  I begged Him not to let it happen!  I begged Him to send you to find me and to stop it!  I prayed to Him with everything in me, Andrew!  But He left me there!  He let him hurt me!” She was all but screaming at him as tears coursed down her face, but Andrew welcomed the change in emotion and didn’t interrupt her.  He knew that there had been anger beneath the surface and that this was just the tip of the iceberg, “He could have stopped it!  At any point, He could have stopped it!  He could have told me I was in the wrong place, where I needed to be!  He could have stopped me from going down that street, He could have sent you, anything!  But he didn’t!  He didn’t!”

A lump had formed in his throat and he struggled to regain his composure, “I wish I had the answers to those questions, Monica.  I do.  I know in those moments you felt abandoned, but it isn’t the truth and deep in your heart, you know that.  Terrible things have happened to you before and there was always a reason and I trust that there is this time as well.  But the reason is not that you lost your way the other night.  God hasn’t left you!  You’re mad as hell with Him and you turned your back on Him!  You have every right to be angry, but you have no right or reason to doubt what you are!”

“He took from me who I was!” She cried out bitterly, “He took everything from me!  You all see me differently now!  I’m not Monica the angel, I’m Monica the angel who was raped!  I don’t even understand how you can look at me anymore, yet alone want to touch me!” She faltered and lowered her head, the sobs coursing through her once more, “I hate him for that…I hate him…”

Quickly, he moved closer and took her face into his hands.  She tried to jerk back, but he held fast, forcing her to meet his eyes, “He only took from you what you are willing to surrender to him.  You have no choice about what he took physically, but emotionally, you do.  We are all here and we all love you.  God, Monica, I love you so much it hurts!  He didn’t take that from you.  He didn’t take Tess, Alex or Paul from you and God didn’t take His love away from you!  The proof of that is right here in front of you!  Can’t you see that?”

Monica searched his eyes, wanting so badly to believe what he was telling her, “I’m trying to,” She choked out as her vision blurred with tears.  She blinked rapidly to clear them and then drew in a sharp breath at what she saw.  The truth was in his eyes as he gazed into hers and the love she saw there caused another helpless sob to escape her, “Andrew…”

Relief coursed through him as he let go of her face to pull her to himself, feeling her wrap her arms around him at long last, “That’s right, angel,” He whispered as he rocked her gently in his arms, “I love you and I will always love you.  I’m sorry I was so harsh, but I couldn’t have you doubting; not about this.”

“I’m sorry…I keep pushing you away, but I…I didn’t see how…”

“Shh.  I know, but you needed to see and you need to know that I am not letting you go.  Not now.  Not ever.”

She nodded her head against his chest, “Please don’t.  I need you so much right now, Andrew.  So much.  Nothing has ever…hurt this much…”

“I know that, sweetheart,” He replied, his voice laden with sadness.  He knew all too well, “Nothing has ever hurt me as much either than this pain you are in, but I promise you, I will be there through it all.  When you are ready to talk, I will listen.  When you need to yell at me, I can take it, and when you need to cry, I will hold you. I’m here for the long haul, angel, no matter how long it takes.”

She buried her face against his chest as the feel of his hand stroking his hair soothed her aching soul, “Thank you…thank you for being here and for loving me, even though I don’t like myself very much at the moment…”

“We’ll change all of that, Monica, one small step at a time,” He pulled away to cup her face in his hands once more as he swiped at her tears with his fingertips.  He could still see the agony and shame in her dark eyes, but along with that was also a fierce trust in him that he silently thanked God for, “Alex brought you a few changes of clothes, so why don’t you take a shower and change into something else?  We’ll shred the hell out of what you have on if that will help,” He was teasing ever so gently and the tiniest of laughs escaped her through her tears, “Tess is fixing you lunch.  Do you want to come out, or shall I bring it into you?”

He was giving her no choice and she hoped her stomach could take it, but at the same time, he was taking care of her and at the moment that was all that mattered, “Can you bring it in here?  It’s so hard to make small talk right now.  I can’t talk about what happened, but I can think of nothing else.”

“I’ll bring it to you and you don’t have to say a word if you don’t want to,” He saw the grateful look in her eyes and he moved to kiss her forehead, “Now go.  I’ll take care of things for awhile.  You just take it one moment at a time and tell me what you need.”

Monica blinked back fresh tears, before she hugged him one more time as she silently thanked God for loving her enough to send him to her.