CHAPTER 6

The two agents and one angel had packed light bags that were now sitting by the front door.  Paul had booked the flight hours ago and now he and Alex waited with Tess for Andrew to join them.  Andrew knew he didn’t have much time, but he had to say he was sorry just one more time.

 He had stayed out of sight when Alex had walked Monica back up the house and the little angel had refused dinner altogether, chosing to stay in her room instead.  Alex had shown him the drawing and he had taken one look, the man’s face now forever etched in his mind.  He was hesitant to try to speak to her, not wanting things between them to get any worse, but there was no way he could leave without a word.

 He knocked softly first before he opened the door, finding her in bed with the television on, but muted.  She was staring at the screen through vacant eyes which she turned briefly to him as he knelt down beside the bed.  He lowered his eyes miserably as he began to speak, “I’m heading to Boston with Alex and Paul in a few minutes.  Tess will be here with you and hopefully we won’t be gone long.”

 Monica’s eyes widened at his words, but she remained silent as he continued to speak, “I just needed to tell you again how sorry I am, angel.  To hurt you…it’s something I never want to do.”

 “But you did,” Monica whispered brokenly.

 “I know.” His heart ached at her simple words of truth, wishing she never had a reason to say them, “I’ll never forgive myself for doing it.  In my heart, I knew you had fought.  I guess I just wanted to hear it from you, but I never should have pushed you to tell me anything.  I could see how much it hurt you to relive it and I was the one who caused you that pain.  I’m sorry.”

He saw the tears shimmering in her eyes and he wished he could hold her close, but that was not an option any longer, “Some time away from me is probably what you need right now anyway and I know Tess will take much better care of you than I did today.” His voice was becoming choked, so he rose to his feet, but he was unable to resist leaning over and kissing the top of her head, “I love you, angel.”

 He never saw her sorrowful eyes watch him leave the room, nor did he hear the tearful whisper once he had closed the door behind him.

 “Please don’t leave me…”

******

She sat staring at the door long after she heard the front door open and close and the car pull down the driveway. She sat staring at it until it finally opened, but it wasn’t Andrew who stepped into the room.

“I brought you some nice herbal tea,” Tess said as she walked to the bed, steaming mug held between her hands.

“I don’t…” Monica started, her voice strained and hopeless.

“Shhh. It’ll help you sleep, baby.”

Sleep was something that the younger angel craved and so she reluctantly reached for the cup.

Tess saw the pain in her charge’s eyes, a pain that had finally begun to lessen and which was now back full force. She pulled the small bottle of pills out of her pocket and set it on the nightstand next to the ever-present water glass.

“I’ll just leave those here for you… just in case you need them.”

“Thank you, Tess,” she murmured.

“Would you like me to sit with you?” Tess already knew the answer, but she felt she had to ask. She had to at least feel like she was making the effort.

As expected, Monica shook her head. Andrew had been the only one she had allowed to watch her sleep. She wondered now if he ever would again. He had left so suddenly and she hadn’t even had a chance to tell him that she still loved him as much as ever. He had left because she had told him to, and now all she wanted was for him to come back. Would he be gone for days or weeks? Would he ever come back? Maybe after hearing everything he would decide it was all just too much. Maybe she could have fought harder. Alex would have fought harder. She would have gotten away.

She wasn’t sure how she finally managed to get to sleep that night, but she remembered finally taking two sleeping pills sometime after two am and continuing to toss and turn. She knew that sleep had claimed her at some point, because now she was opening her eyes and the sun was pouring into her room. She rolled over and looked towards Andrew’s chair. She knew that he never stayed the whole night, but sometimes he would come in after the sun was up. That didn’t bother her the way watching her through the darkness did.

The chair was empty and she wearily pushed herself up. Her strained muscles were finally healing, but she still woke up every morning feeling stiff. Sitting up for a moment, she was struck by how quiet the house was. She didn’t hear Tess in the kitchen. Her heart started to beat faster as she silently crept out of bed and walked to the door. She opened it just a crack and her heart sped up even more. Her hands were ice cold and yet they were sweating and she rubbed them against her nightgown.

She was alone. Paul and Alex and Andrew were gone and now Tess was gone. She stepped into the hallway, eyes wide, heart threatening to burst from her chest.

“Tess?” Her call was hardly above a whisper as she slowly took one step towards the kitchen, and then another.

There was no answer and she felt her hands beginning to shake. God had sent Tess somewhere else. I’m alone. I’m alone. I’m alone. The words repeated over and over in her head bringing her closer to panic. She nearly screamed when she heard a sound by the back door. It was him. He had followed them. He had been waiting. He was there and he was looking for her. She covered her mouth with her hands to contain her cries. He was going to hear her. He was going to find her. She had to run. She had to hide. She stumbled as she turned, her suddenly weak legs tangling in her nightgown. She fell against the wall and clutched at it for support as she staggered back down the hall. She leaned against a door and it swung open, sending her tumbling to the floor. She let out a short scream and then clamped her hands to her face again, tears streaming down her face. He was going to hear her! He was coming! He was coming! He was coming and she was alone! No one could help her! Everyone was gone! The closet door was open and she was crawling on her hands and knees, desperate, her sobs choked off, her arms barely supporting her. It was dark and small and she pushed herself into the corner, her knees to her chest, face buried in her arms, begging. Please, please, please, please, don’t come in here. Don’t come in. Don’t come in. Please leave. Please leave. She couldn’t breathe; she couldn’t hear anything but the rushing of blood in her ears. It felt like she was drowning and then the litany in her mind changed. Please, let me die. Let me die this time. Please, please, please. The door opened and a hand was on her shoulder and she was screaming. She was screaming and she couldn’t stop.

“Monica! Monica! Baby, it’s me! It’s Tess! Angel Girl, please, you’re all right. You’re all right.” Tess’ arms enveloped the hysterical angel as she joined her on the floor of the closet. “It’s all right, baby. You’re safe. You’re safe and I’ve got you,” she soothed as she rocked her back and forth, drawing on every bit of her strength not to break down into tears herself. Inside she was praying as she had never prayed, for God to shower all his love on the angel she held in her embrace.

“Tess, he’s here! He’s here! He’s looking for me!” she was still caught in the throes of her panic.

“Baby, no… no one else is here,” Tess said as she held Monica closer. She felt anger beginning to grow in her chest and wondered if this was what Andrew had been feeling all along. “Angel Girl, I’m the only one here. He’s not going to find you. He’s not going to hurt you ever again.”

Monica’s cries took long minutes to finally subside, and when they did she started murmuring as she kept her face buried against the older angel’s shoulder. “Tess, Tess, you’re here… you’re here.”

“Of course I’m here, baby. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. I just stepped outside to pick some flowers for your room.”

“Everyone was gone… everyone was gone and I was alone. I was so alone,” Monica uttered helplessly, her voice catching on a sob.

“No. Monica, you weren’t alone. You are never alone. God was with you, Monica. He was with you. Why didn’t you call Him.”

Monica didn’t answer, but her shuddering breaths told the older angel that she was still awake. Finally, drawing in a shaky breath, she showed Tess the depth of her pain when she whispered, “I was afraid He wouldn’t be here… He wasn’t there before… I… I… I thought He wouldn’t listen to me…”

“Oh, my little Angel Girl… He is always with you. Always. He was with you even that night….”

“No… no, He wasn’t… He wasn’t there… I couldn’t feel Him with me… He didn’t stop it…”

“Baby, you couldn’t feel Him because you were in so much pain you shut Him out… the way you’ve tried to shut us all out… but He was still with you, just the way we will always be with you. He covered you with His love, baby, and he led you to that shed. Then he led Andrew to you, and He watched over you until we found you. ‘He will never leave you nor forsake you’… you know those words, Monica. They are truth. He didn’t forsake you that night, and He has been with you every night since.”

Monica’s quiet sobs finally faded away and the only sounds were two heartbeats and even steady breathing. She closed her eyes and concentrated on the feeling of Tess’ arms around her as she finally opened her heart to God. Not even a moment of time passed before she felt His love all around her, and filling her heart and her soul and the little angel let out one last sob as she felt it. Even as the overwhelming feeling slowly faded away she could still sense Him in her heart. He couldn’t take away her pain. He couldn’t make it all a horrible dream, but He would be with her for as long as it took to heal, and forever after that. She blinked slowly and opened her eyes as she remembered where she had heard words like that before. From Andrew.

******

“Tess…” Andrew managed a small smile when he heard the older angel’s voice on the other end of the line.  Though this was only the second day since he had left, he could no longer sit and wonder how the little angel was doing.  He was lying awake at night worrying and he was hoping Tess could put an end to his insomnia.

 “How are things going, baby?” She inquired, being careful to keep her chagrin out of her voice.  She hadn’t felt it was a good idea for him to go, not when there was someone here who desperately needed him.

 “Nothing yet.  Apparently the neighborhood where Monica was hurt is an area of high crime and they all watch each other’s backs.  We’re just waiting, hoping he will eventually show himself,” So I can break his neck, he added silently to himself, “How is she?”

 Tess could hear the concern in his voice and she sighed softly, “She’s had a rough couple of days, Andrew.”

 The fact that Tess didn’t offer anything more, told him volumes, “Why?  What happened?” He didn’t want to know…he didn’t want to know what additional pain he had caused her by insisting she tell him everything.

 “I stepped outside yesterday morning before she woke up…she woke up alone…I found her in a closet and when I touched her…she just started screaming.  That baby was convinced he was in the house and he was going to find her…”

 He closed his eyes.  He had caused her so much pain.  She hadn’t had a panic attack like that one since the day after she had been raped.  But his words had raped her a second time, “How has she been since then?” His voice was low and quiet.

 “Withdrawn, sad, not sleeping well.  The list goes on and on, Andrew.  Of course it doesn’t help that the majority of her safety net is in Boston, looking for the one who caused the pain instead of helping the one who is hurting,” She had been unable to stop the words.  Her Angel Girl had been doing better, no matter how slightly, until the day Andrew had walked out the door.

 “He needs to be found, Tess,” He replied, the tension evident in his words.

 “And she needs to heal, Andrew and you are integral to that happening.”

 “I wasn’t helping her, Tess,” He argued softly, “I was only hurting her more,” There was silence on the other end of the line and though he was afraid to ask, he did anyway, “Do you think she would talk to me?”

 “Only one way to find out,” Tess pronounced as she carried the phone down the hall to Monica’s room.  She opened the door to find the little angel curled on her side, staring at the door, which now that it had opened, had broken her line of vision, “Baby, Andrew would like to speak with you.”

 Monica’s heart thudded to the floor.  He was calling to tell her he was never coming back.  He couldn’t deal with who she was now, with what she had become.  Tears burned in her eyes as she shakily accepted the phone from Tess and waited until her supervisor had left her alone.

 He could hear her soft breathing as she came on the line, but the relief he felt was quickly doused when she didn’t offer any greeting.  He was sure she was still incredibly angry with him, but he was not about to sit back and wait for her to speak to him and thus drive the barrier between them higher still, “How are you doing, angel?” He finally asked her softly.  He completely expected her not to tell him anything, so when she finally spoke, her words nearly caused his throat to close.

 “I miss you,” The three tiny words were merely a whisper, but they were the sweetest sound Andrew had heard in a long time.

 “I would have thought you would still be furious with me,” He replied gently.  He was dreading her answer, but knew that whatever she said, he deserved it.

 “Not so furious that I don’t need you,” Monica stated sadly.  Despite what had happened in the barn two days ago, she wanted him there so badly it hurt.

 His heart ached at her words, “The fact that you feel that way is a gift, Monica, that I am eternally grateful for, though I’m not sure I am deserving of.” She didn’t reply, but he heard a sniffle she was obviously trying to hide, “Can I ask you something?” He was sure he was pushing his luck, but the question had been in his mind since he had been on the plane to Boston.

 Lying on her bed at the farm, Monica nodded her head, forgetting for a moment that he wasn’t really here.  He sounded so close and though ever since she had been raped, he had felt a thousand miles away, the distance now felt ten times further and completely hopeless.

 “Angel?” His heartbeat had sped up with her silence, afraid she would just hang up at the thought of him asking her anything more.

 “I…I’m sorry.  I just…” She shook her head, “It’s not important.  What did you need to ask?”

 Andrew supposed the fact that he couldn’t see the despair he knew was on her face and in her eyes made his question easier to ask and he was careful to keep his voice as gentle as he could, “Why would it have been easier for you to tell Paul what happened?  Why was it so much harder to tell me?”  He could have understood her not wanting to share it with anyone, but at the aspect of telling him, she had immediately volunteered to tell the agent.

 Monica hesitated at the question, then released a trembling sigh, “I love Paul but he and I both know that he is no angel.  That’s what made it easier…” She blinked back tears and forced herself to bare her soul, “With you…I care so much about what you think of me.  It was bad enough you already knew I had been changed, but to tell you how it happened…the things he did…”

 He clutched the phone so tightly his knuckles turned white, longing to close the distance that was between them.  He had been a fucking fool, “Sweetheart, listen to me.  Nothing could ever change how I feel about you or what I see when I look at you.  The things I love so much about you, angel, no one could ever take away,” He could hear her quiet weeping and the need to brush away her tears became a physical ache in his heart, “Oh angel..”

 “Come home?  Please?”

 She was pleading and his expression turned desperate.  He wanted to do what she was asking, but he had been so useless to help her before.  At least here he could do something.  He could help find the bastard who had emotionally crippled her.  He was still struggling with an answer when she spoke up once more.

 “I know I haven’t made it easy for you.  I can’t even let you…hold me for very long, but…”

 “But what, Monica?” He whispered, her pain so great he could feel it throbbing in his soul.

 Her voice rose an octave with her desperation, “But you have to keep trying..”

 He sank down onto the bed and closed his eyes.  Did she think he was giving up on her?  There was nothing futher from the truth.  He had only gone to give her time, but a moment later the truth hit him.  All she saw was that he had walked away; she was so worried about what he would now think of her and the point had been driven home when he had walked out the door.

 “I’ll try to book a flight for tonight, sweetie, “He heard his words coming without hesitation.  She needed him and there were no other options, “If I can’t, I’ll have Paul arrange for a car.  It will be late, angel, but I will be there.  I promise I’ll be there and then we are going to make sure you get well and I don’t give a damn how long it takes, Monica.  I will be there.”  Paul and Alex would just have to handle things, though he knew that was never really the issue.  The issue was that he wanted to lay his eyes, at the very least, on the son of a bitch who had hurt her.  But then again, he had also wanted Monica to tell him what had happened  and he had broken her heart in the process.  He learned from his mistakes, “Please don’t cry, angel.”

 “Just hurry,” She whispered tearfully.  She wanted him here now and didn’t want to wait another moment to feel his arms around her, even if she would be unable to keep them there, “Please hurry.  I need you.”

 He had no sooner hung up the phone that he moved to dial the number for the airline to see if he could get a return flight that night, but a knock at his door stopped him and Paul walked through a moment later.

 “We’ve got him.  There is an undercover agent keeping him under surveillence at his residence.  I have told them not to act until we get there.”

 The angel hesitated, but then nodded his head. It was only mid-afternoon.  He would see this bastard caught and then by plane or by car, he was going back to the little angel who needed him.

 *****

 It was all Andrew could do to stay behind Alex and Paul once they had gotten out of the car and were approaching the squalid looking house. The paint was peeling off in big flakes, and the one trashcan by the stoop was tipped over, spilling beer cans and fast food wrappers into the street.  Andrew hardly even took notice of those details that the real officials were trained to notice.  All  he wanted was to beat the damn door down and then show the bastard what pain really was, but he reigned in his impatience.  He wasn’t about to lose this man now.

 The agent who had found him had gotten a name.  William Grady.  Andrew felt better just knowing that little piece of information.  Now he knew what to call him if got the chance to throw him up against the wall and beat the shit out of him.

 His jaw clenched as Paul knocked on the door and they stepped back.  Both Paul and Alex had their guns drawn and ready and the angel felt as if every muscle in his body was on high alert. When the door opened, he came face to face with the drawing Alex had made based on every detail Monica had told her.  The little angel had been so accurate it made his heart ache.

 As soon as the door opened, Paul rushed forward, gun in hand, taking Grady by surprise.  The man tried to run, but Paul was not about to lose him, as he placed a strong hand on Grady’s shoulder and spun him around, shoving him up against the wall, his gun aimed at the man’s head, “All right, you sick bastard, give me one good reason not to splatter your brains all over the wall!”

 “Paul.” Though Alex felt the anger right along with him, she didn’t want to risk him losing control, even though she was barely holding onto it herself, “William Grady, you are under arrest for sexual assault…” She proceeded to read his rights as she moved to handcuff his hands behind his back, purposefully yanking on him a bit more than necessary.  She saw Paul’s jaw clench and knew he hated the fact that she was even touching him, but it was one of the things she most loved about her husband.  He never interfered with her doing her job.

 Grady was smiling and the expression on his face was causing Andrew to clench and unclench his fists just to keep his anger intact.  The bastard was twice Monica’s size.  She could have fought him within an inch of her life and would have never won and he was standing there smiling while she had been almost destroyed completely.  Given two cents, he would wipe that grin off his face permanently.

 Grady’s eyes moved from the two agents to Andrew, as he raised his eyebrows, “You her boyfriend, blondie?” He smirked when the steely green eyes of the angel met sharply with his, knowing he had hit a nerve.  Leaning in slightly, his voice dropped to a whisper, “She’s one helluva good fuck, ain’t she?”

 Andrew was throwing the punch before he even realized he had raised his arm, hitting Grady square in the jaw and causing the man’s head to be thrown to the side up against the wall.  The angel saw blood but didn’t even take the time to care, as he stepped closer and grabbed Grady by the shirt collar, raising him up off the floor, “You son of a bitch!  I hope you rot in hell!”

 Only Paul’s hand on his shoulder stopped him from doing or saying more as he threw the man up against the wall.  He watched, his hands clenched into fists as two other agents entered and led Grady out of the dingy, dark house and to a waiting vehicle.

 “Damn, buddy, I think you broke his jaw,” Paul commented, feeling a twinge of satisfaction that he had.

 Andrew didn’t say anything for a moment, before he turned to Paul, as he stretched out his hand which was now starting to hurt, though he found it incredibly satisfying, “I need your car.  I’m heading back.  Now.”

 Alex reached over and laid a hand on his arm, “She needs you, Andrew.”

 He nodded his head, “I know.  I’ve been gone too long as it is.”

 Taking Paul’s keys from him, Alex pressed them into Andrew’s hand, “Then go.  We’ll be there by tomorrow afternoon.”

 She didn’t need to tell him twice.  He nodded his thanks and with quick and determined strides, walked to the waiting car.  He wanted to be back at the farm so he could hold the little angel who had stolen his heart, and he would remain at her side until she was no longer questioning herself or him.  Whether it took six months or six years, he would be there.

The sun was setting as he drove out of the city, the buildings in the rearview mirror glinting in the dying light, but Andrew scarcely noticed. All he saw was road, miles of road, stretched out in front of him, the dotted centerline like breadcrumbs leading him back to Monica. The moon was full and already half-way up the sky when he hit the Connecticut state line. He still had at least five more hours of driving before he reached the farm. He should have been exhausted. He’d only had a minimal amount of sleep since leaving the little angel’s side, and not much more than that even before that, but his eyes remained wide opened. He saw taillights and the guardrail, and that dotted centerline.

By the time he saw the ‘Welcome to New York’ sign he had played his speech to her a hundred times. She would be in her bedroom. Would she be awake? He didn’t think he would be able to wait until morning if she was. He would have to wake her. Each time he imagined what he was going to say, it changed. There was so much he wanted to say, and he had so much to apologize for. He kept thinking of her, curled on the floor in a closet, thinking that everyone had abandoned her, thinking that the man who had raped her was on his way to do it again. He was going to make that up to her. He was going to make sure she knew that he was never going to leave her again.

He felt the connection between them drawing him closer. He had felt it even in Boston, and it only got stronger the nearer he got to her, like a thread pulled impossibly thin but never losing its strength. They were still bound together and if she was unable to feel that now, then he would just have to patiently coax her into opening her heart enough to prove it to her.

It was almost four am by the time he finally pulled into the driveway, loose gravel crunching under the wheels as he slowly pulled to a stop in front of the garage. He made his way to the front door silently, peering through the windows to see if he could see any lights on. As he opened the door he saw the warm light coming from the track lighting in the kitchen. It was very dim and served as a nightlight. No one was up.

He shut the door and carefully turned the locks.

“Andrew.” He heard his name spoken directly to his heart and his hand pressed flat against the door before he then turned back around to face the open living room.

She was standing there, barefooted, in her flannel nightgown, hair tousled and falling in front of her shoulders. It looked like she was losing weight again and the dark hollows under her eyes had grown deeper. Andrew cursed himself for being the cause. Those beautiful dark eyes were filled with a mixture of fear and hopefulness and longing.

The words ‘what are you doing up?’ died on his lips as he covered the distance between them in three long strides. Then he was holding her as tightly as he dared, face buried in her sweet smelling hair, feeling the way her small body collapsed into his.

“I missed you too,” he managed to say as he kissed the top of her head.

“I felt you coming,” she whispered. “I felt you…”

“I never should have gone,” he told her, though he remembered with dark satisfaction the feeling of his fist connecting with William Grady’s face.

“I told you to go.”

He shook his head. “You were upset because of what I put you through, Angel, and I will never be able to apologize enough for that, but I’m praying that you’ll let me make it up to you.”

“Just hold me tighter.”

The grandfather clock in the corner ticked off the minutes as they held each other but finally Andrew felt her relax as the bottled up tension flowed from her body. He tenderly stroked her hair as he tried to get his thoughts in order.

“Tess told me what happened the other day,” he finally said, very softly. “I’m so sorry, Monica. That was my fault.” He felt her shaking her head but he looked down at her sadly and continued, “Yes. Yes, it was. I pushed you before you were ready. I pushed because of my own selfish reasons; because I couldn’t stand the thought of you telling someone else, because my own guilt was eating me alive. Monica, I knew in my heart that you’d fought. I knew it… I have always known it. You have never backed down in your entire existence. To make you think that I doubted that… Angel I can’t explain… I think maybe some part of me wanted to think there was something else you could have done, or something else that could have happened… because if there wasn’t… then the only person I could blame was myself.”

“Andrew…”

“You said it yourself. You weren’t wandering around looking to get hurt, you were looking for me. And I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there to save you and that haunts me.”

Her breath caught and she held on tighter, tears springing to her eyes. “Please don’t feel that way. Please… I know… I know you would do anything to protect me. There was just… there was nothing you could have done,” she uttered tearfully. “Maybe… maybe I could have fought harder…”

His body tensed at her words and he pulled back enough to see her face; to look into her eyes. “No! There is nothing else you could have done. He had a knife and he was twice your size. I thank God he didn’t hurt you any more. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Nothing. He’s the one who should be guilty. He’s the one who should be carrying around this shame, not you. I know it’s hard, and I know you may not be able to believe me right now, but please try. I have always told you the truth, angel and I’m telling you the truth now.”

She searched his face and his eyes, her hands still tightly gripping his arms. She could see that he was being completely honest, but it was still so hard to let go of the feelings that had infected her heart and soul. “I’ll try,” she whispered at last, and breathed a sigh of relief as he pulled her close again.

“Thank you, Monica,” he whispered as he silently thanked God as well. He looked down at her. “We should get you back to bed,” he said reluctantly. He didn’t want to let her go.

She kept her head nestled against his chest but tilted it upwards. “Will you hold me?” she asked tremulously.

“For as long as you want.”