CHAPTER 8

All she knew was that she was running faster and harder then she ever had before as if evil itself was breathing down her neck.  She passed the stable, her feet unsteady in the mud from the day’s rain, and she stumbled and fell before scrambling back to her feet.  She was filthy now, both inside and out, and all she wanted to do was to run as far away from it as possible.  Away from sympathetic glances, nightmares, sleeping pills and everything else she deemed as being wrong with her. 

The tears mixed with the rain as she raced into the woods, never once slowing down even as branches from the trees slashed up against her face and body.  It was never going to get any easier.  They had all lied to her, because nothing had been easier so far.  The hard part should have been over when that man had rolled off of her, but the pain kept piling up with every new thing that was thrown her way. 

She couldn’t testify!  She couldn’t!  She couldn’t face a jury full of strangers deciding if she had been at fault and odds were already piled up against her.  She had been out in the middle of the night, dressed nicely and walking down a bad part of town.  They would see her as asking for it, when nothing could be further from the truth.  She couldn’t bear a lawyer demanding answers from her, asking her if she had screamed, had she said no, had she fought.  She couldn’t bear seeing him again.

Yet if she didn’t testify, he went free.  The horrible injustice of this truth ripped through her and caused a sob to escape her.  Her legs felt weak and she slowed down to a fast walk.  She had no idea where she was and she no longer cared.  Andrew, Paul and Alex wanted him to go to jail; they wanted to see him pay for what he had done to her because they loved her, no matter how damaged she now was.  But what was being asked of her was impossible.  She wished he had just killed her.  It would have been easier than facing what lay ahead in the minutes, hours and days that followed her shame. 

If she were truly still an angel, she wouldn’t be questioning why this had happened in the first place.  Tess had said God was always with her, but how could He have been that night?  Why was He still allowing her to have to go through this?  He had healed her before of physical problems, but the problems that filled her heart, soul and mind, He left unattended. 

Blinded by tears, she stumbled and fell once more, her hands breaking her fall.  She didn’t move for a moment, crying too desperately to even want to.  She wanted to just lie down and sleep away the rest of eternity so she wouldn’t have to face it.  She wasn’t strong enough. 

Rising to her knees, soaking wet hair matted against her face, she turned her reddened eyes to the sky and at the rain that poured down all around her, “Why?” Her voice was choked, pleading, angry, “Why did You let this happen to me?  You could have stopped it!  Tess said You were with me and if You were with me, You could have made him stop!  You could have sent Andrew sooner!  You could have…let me die…” The pain poured from the depths of her soul, “Now You won’t even fix it!  You won’t take it away from me!  What am I supposed to do?  Tell me!  What am I supposed to do?” Her stomach was burning and she wrapped her arms around herself, afraid she might be sick again.  Her heart physically hurt from everything she was holding inside of her; that she had been holding inside of her, “I can’t do this…I don’t know how…and there is nobody here who can show me…it hasn’t happened to them…I don’t…I don’t even trust You right now…I trusted You to keep me safe and You didn’t!  What did I do?  What did I do that was so wrong to deserve this?  Just tell me and I’ll make it right…just take this away…take this away…”

Completely defeated, the little angel laid down on the cold,wet ground and closed her eyes, hoping with the little bit of hope that was left within her soul that when she opened them, the sun would be shining and her nightmare would be over.

*****

“Damn it!  Where could she have gone?” Paul ran a hand through his hair as they finished searching the stables, but finding no sign of Monica.

“We have to find her, Paul,” Andrew uttered, the pain in his eyes unmistakable, “She can’t be out there alone for long.  She’ll be terrified.” He knew she wasn’t thinking straight and that terrified him.

“Saddle up the horses,” the agent demanded, immediately taking charge, “We’ll split up.  She has to be out there somewhere and she couldn’t have gone that far.  We’ll meet back here in an hour.”

Alex and Andrew were already grabbing the saddles and laying them across the horses, their sense of urgency fueling their efforts.

“Andrew, I’m sorry.  I never should have said anything, but she figured it out.  She asked me specifically if she would have to testify…”

“It isn’t your fault, Alex,” He shook his head as he lowered it to cinch the saddle.

“I couldn’t lie to her, but now I wish I had.  This could have waited until she was stronger,” Alex felt on the verge of tears.  It was pouring outside and Monica was out there in it somewhere because of something she had said.

“The trial is in four weeks, Alex.  I’m not sure ‘stronger’ would even happen by then.  She’s had too much thrown at her the last few days and she’s barely coping as it is.  There never would have been a good time to tell her.”

“You two ready?” Paul had already mounted Scout and looked at his wife and friend.

Andrew gave a determined nod, as he swung up on his horse, “Let’s go.” He wished he knew what was going to be more difficult; finding her, or helping her to find her already shaky footing again once he had.

*****

Paul could see no trace of the little angel anywhere in the fields, so that just left the woods and he cursed under his breath.  It would be like looking for a needle in a haystack.  She had obviously gone farther than he had estimated.  He wanted to be the one to find her.  For a week he had felt like he had been on the outside looking in, clearly seeing her pain and despair, but not being permitted to help her and it had been damn near unbearable to him.  He didn’t have sister, and in his mind he had adopted her, angel or not.  She had worked her way into his heart nearly two years ago and now when hers was breaking, he couldn’t even get close enough to even begin to help pick up any of the pieces of it. 

He slowed Scout’s trot as he entered into the woods, his frantic eyes searching everywhere as he journeyed deeper and deeper into the forest.  It was hopeless.  She could be anywhere and he found his eyes turning upwards, “Hey, Big Guy, a little help here?”

Almost immediately he heard her muffled sobs to his right and he spurned Scout on until he saw her lying crumpled on the ground, “Monica!”  He was already praying that she hadn’t been hurt as he swung down off the horse and ran to her side, “Honey?” He reached for her, hoping with everything in him that she wouldn’t pull away, and much to his surprise, when he lifted her little body into his arms, she buried her face against his chest.  Closing his eyes, he offered thanks before turning his attention solely on her.

“You scared the hell out of us, little angel, running off like that,” He could feel the shaking of her shoulders and the way she shook her head slightly as if there was something she just couldn’t understand and he knew it had nothing to do with what he had just said, “Talk to me, honey, please?  I want to help; we all want to help, but you have to let us.”

“Paul…I can’t testify..I can’t…” Her voice was pleading but she wasn’t even sure for what.  For someone to tell her it was okay perhaps, “How can I tell all those people what he did?  How can I tell them the names he called me and how he touched me?  How can I listen to someone trying to blame me?  I didn’t want it to happen…I give anything to go back and have walked down a different street…it was hard enough to tell Andrew the details…how can I be expected to defend them?”

As her voice broke off, Paul held her tightly in his arms, even as he blinked back tears.  He wanted to get her out of the rain and into dry clothes, but he was not about to put off helping her long enough to do that.  Moving slightly, he shrugged out of the hooded raincoat he wore and wrapped it around her trembling form as he spoke softly to her, “You shouldn’t have to be expected to defend yourself, little angel and it pisses me off that this is how it works.  You’re going to feel like you are one on trial and there is no fairness in that,” He pulled away and laid a hand on her cheek as he looked into her eyes, “It’s all a bunch of legal bullshit, sweetheart, but you know what?  As much as we all want to see this bastard to go jail for a long time, we care about you more.  If

you say you can’t do it, then you can’t do it and no one is going to be angry, upset or even inconvenienced by that decision.  If they are, they’ll have to answer to me.”

Monica sniffled and felt herself letting out a half-hysterical giggle at his words before pulling back to look at him.

“If I don’t testify… he could hurt someone else,” she said sadly. It wasn’t a question, it was a fact.

“Monica, that doesn’t make it your responsibility…”

She glanced upwards and then settled her head on his shoulder once more. “Yes it does,” she murmured. “I just don’t know how I can do it.”

Paul’s eyes hardened as he held her closer. “Sweetie, not even God could expect something from you that you’re not ready to do.”

A small tremor was enough to shake her whole body and Paul quickly scooped her into his arms. It was time to get her back to the house. They could deal with the rest of the aftermath there.

Gently lifting her onto Scout’s back he instructed her to hold on and then swung up behind her a moment later and pulled her back into his arms again. “I’ve got you. Just rest. We’ll be back to the house in two shakes,” he whispered into her ear. “C’mon boy, let’s get this little angel back home,” he clucked to Scout, and the horse took off at a gentle canter that quickly ate up the ground and carried them out of the woods.

As they broke free of the trees Paul saw Alex and Andrew galloping across the field from the other direction. “I’ve got her!” he shouted, and could see the relief in their body language even though he was too far away to see it in their faces.

They all converged on the barn and Andrew was off his horse and at Paul’s side almost before they came to a halt. “Where was she? Is she all right?” He asked as he reached up and lifted her from Paul’s lap. “Monica, are you all right?” he asked the little angel directly as he gently set her on the ground, wondering if her legs would even hold her up.

“I’m not hurt,” she said, immediately sorry for having caused so much worry.

“Well you look like you’re hurt,” Alex cut in, her eyes taking note of every scratch.

Monica self-consciously lifted a hand to her face, feeling the stinging pain for the first time. “Just scratches,” she insisted.

“Well they’re ‘just scratches’ that we’re going to take care of, Angel,” Andrew told her. “I’ll take her up to the house,” he said abruptly. “Will you two be all right with the horses?”

“Not a problem. Get her warmed up and cleaned up. We’ll see you in a few,” Paul said while thinking that it might be more than a few. He was glad that he had been able to at least say his piece to Monica, but one look at his still guilt stricken wife was enough to tell him that he needed to have a little heart-to-heart with her as well.

Andrew had his arm around Monica’s waist as he led her up the path, but the instant that she stumbled he swept her into his arms. She was cold and tired and hurting, and he wasn’t wasting anymore time. Thankfully, she made no argument, simply wrapped her arms around his neck and held on.

“I’m sorry,” he heard her whisper as they approached the house.

“Nothing to be sorry for,” he replied. He had said the words many times, but he wasn’t sure she ever really believed them.

Tess was at the back door with towels and she flung it open and ushered them in, immediately fussing over her young charge. Andrew watched for a moment, and then when the little angel flinched as a slightly deeper cut was cleansed, he suddenly turned and left the room. He didn’t go far, just down the hallway and back again, pacing as he ran his fingers through his hair, the frustration seeming to flow from his very pores.

“How long?” He asked silently as he stared up at the ceiling. “How much more does she have to go through? Why aren’t You helping her?” Inside he was yelling those questions and if he had been alone he would have shouted them aloud and made the windows rattle.

The answer came, filled with sadness. “My child, she is not the only one who has ever suffered.”

Andrew’s heart thudded and tears pricked at his eyes. Of course He was right. How many women had been accosted, raped or even worse? He had helped some of them, and some he had even taken Home. God hadn’t wanted any of them to be hurt, but unfortunately free will took it out of His hands. Yes, He could have stopped it, He could have stopped any of them. He could even reach down and steal the pain from Monica at that very moment, but He had a wider vision; a perfectly clear view of how everything was going to work out, and as horrible and hollow as it sounded to Andrew’s ears, there was still a plan much bigger than all of them. At that moment, Andrew didn’t want to think about bigger plans, or more important destinies. All he cared about was one fragile little angel who needed him to be strong for her.

“How are you doing?” he asked as he stepped back into the kitchen.

“Nothing too horrible, baby,” Tess replied when Monica remained silent. “I think what she really needs is a change of clothes and a nice nap.”

“That sounds like a plan to me, what about you?” Andrew said as he crouched beside her chair.

A nod was her only reply, but he was grateful for whatever he could get. A sharp pang in his heart, however, had him wondering if the previous night, and being permitted to hold her, was now once again a thing of the past.

*****

“Alex.” Paul took hold of her arm as she tried to brush past him on her way out of the stables and he saw her shoulders slump in resignation, “You are not at fault for what happened.  Monica asked and you told her the truth-.”

“I was too abrupt, Paul, too honest.  She wasn’t ready to even think about this,” She shook head, clearly disgusted with herself, “You or Andrew would have done it better.”

“But she didn’t ask me or Andrew, and she had ample opportunity to ask him.  She asked you, honey.  The last thing she needed was for you to lie to her or hold the information from her.  She deserved to know,” As he spoke, he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer to him, feeling her sigh as she rested her head against his shoulder.

She was quiet for a moment, before she asked, “Is she all right?  Is she going to testify?”

“With some time to get used to the idea, I think she will, but I think she needed to know that she wouldn’t be letting any of us down if she chose not to.  You know what the trial will be like, Alex…”

“Yes and it isn’t fair, Paul.  All the rape cases I’ve sat through and they’re all the same.  These woman have already been through so damn much and then they are confronted with some cocky defense attorney who wants to bully the hell out of them,” She shook her head angrily, “I don’t want to see her go through that.”

“None of us do and as much as I want this son of a bitch in prison, I don’t want anyone making her feel like she has to do this.  Whatever she decides is between her and God.  We have to trust that if she goes ahead with this, that He will make her strong enough to see it through.”

“You’re right,” Alex relented at last as she pulled away and touched his jaw, “You generally are,” She smiled as he chuckled before she let out another little sigh, “I just wish I knew what we could do to make her feel a little better.”

He kissed her tenderly before glancing out at the rain, “I think tonight we’ll build a fire in the living room, maybe even rustle up some marshmallows and hot chocolate.  Maybe she’ll join us, as being in her room has got to be getting old.  Maybe that is why she ran today.”

“I think that sounds like a wonderful idea,” She agreed, looking up into his eyes.  For all his faults, she wouldn’t trade him for anyone in the world.  God had blessed her and now she only prayed that He would find a way to bless a hurting little angel.

*****

Andrew had convinced Monica to grab a hot shower before she tried to take a nap and he was waiting for her in her bedroom when she emerged, warmly dressed in the fleece tracksuit he had bought her last week.  He was sitting in the chair beside of her bed, unwilling to assume anything, “Better?”

She gave a little shrug as she climbed onto the bed and laid down, the tiredness reaching to every part of her body.  Looking up at him, she moved over; a clear indication that she wanted him with her.

He didn’t hesitate in joining her, waiting until she had slowly moved into his arms to encircle her.  He didn’t speak as he was not about to push her.  If she needed or wanted to talk, he would patiently allow her to take the lead, though he was relieved when he didn’t have to wait for long.

“I talked to God,” Her voice was quiet and slightly hoarse from crying earlier, “I don’t know if He heard me or not, but I needed to tell Him how angry I was…how confused….” Her fingers wrapped around his shirt and she left out a trembling breath, “And about how I wasn’t sure if I could trust Him right now.”

Andrew closed his eyes briefly as he kissed the top of her head, “Angel, I think all those feelings are perfectly normal and you are more than entitled to them.  And I think God understands that too.’

She gave a tiny nod as she felt her eyelids start to grow heavy, but there was more she wanted to say, “You hit him.  You broke his jaw.”

“He got off easy,” He replied tightly, swallowing down his anger for her sake.  He didn’t know how his actions would make her feel and he waited to see if she would say anymore.

“I’m not sorry you did,” the words were softer than a whisper and he had to smile.

“Neither am I.  If Paul hadn’t stopped me it would have been a lot worse.  I wanted to break every bone in his body and it still wouldn’t have been what he deserved.”

A small sob escaped her, feeling overwhelmed with his unconditional love for her and his need to defend her, even after the fact.  She would not trade this angel in for anything in the universe, “I’m going to testify.” The words were out of her mouth before she even realized she had said them, “I have to.”

“You don’t have to do anything, angel,” But she was already shaking her head up against his chest.

“I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t…if he hurt anyone else…will you be there?”

“You wouldn’t be able to keep me away,” His voice was firm and he tightened his hold on her ever so slightly.

“I’m scared.”

“I know, sweetie, but you are stronger then you realize sometimes.”

“Not now,” Her voice held incredible sadness that Andrew could feel vibrating in his own heart.

“You are doing just fine, angel.  It may not feel that way, but you are,” He felt her inch closer and he welcomed the intimacy of the embrace, even as he fought back his resurfacing emotions, “In fact, I think you are just perfect.”

As her eyes slid closed in sleep, she murmured wearily, “No.  Not perfect…not anymore.”

He knew she couldn’t feel it, but he leaned in and kissed her forehead lightly. “Yes you are… to me you are more perfect than anything else in God’s creation and I won’t stop trying until you believe that.”

That was what he hated more than anything else. Physical pain faded with time, and he knew how to help with that. These thoughts that the rape had somehow planted in her mind were much harder to get rid of and much more damaging. Scars faded. It was a provable fact. But how could he prove to her that she was still just as pure and innocent as she had ever been? It hurt him to know that although his love for her had grown, she didn’t even consider herself worthy of it anymore.

Leaning back against the pillows he thought about his conflicting emotions and slowly felt his own eyelids drooping. The lack of sleep was finally catching up to him, and within minutes he was asleep.