CHAPTER 16

Monica was roused from her sleep by a knocking at the door and she wearily sat up on the bed and rubbed her eyes. Where usually she would have just bid her guest to enter, this time she got up and opened the door as she saw Paul standing there, his hands laden with shopping bags. Though her dark eyes glimpsed his face, she elected not to meet his eyes.

“Special delivery,” Paul announced, managing a smile as he held up the bags, “I hope you find everything to your liking.”

“I’m sure it will be fine,” She replied, moving to take them from him, but he was not so easily swayed.

He could tell that her intention seemed to be to get him in and out as quickly as she could, but he chose to not release his hold on the bags as he moved past her to lay them down on the bed where the kittens were sleeping. One tiny head shot up and sleepy eyes looked at him as he ran a finger over the small head, “There should be plenty of items for your little friends in one of those bags as well, Monica.”

“Thank you,” Her eyes moved to the kittens as she never left her position at the door, “I hope it wasn’t too much trouble for your friend.”

“Don’t be silly. Of course it wasn’t,” Paul assured her as he turned to face her once more, feeling like there was more he needed to say, “Listen, I’m sorry things worked out the way they did. When I planned the trip into town, the last thing I wanted was for him to find you-.”

“It isn’t your fault,” Monica stated, a trace of sadness lingering in her voice, “Yesterday was wonderful, but it just caused a bit of inconvenience for today, that’s all.”

“That’s all?” Paul looked at her incredulously, wondering if this was the same woman he had been with yesterday, “Is that what you consider this? An ‘inconvenience’?” When she didn’t respond, he ran a frustrated hand through his hair and managed to keep his voice more steady, “That isn’t the word I would have chosen, Monica, and if you are thinking that you are the inconvenience, then you need to rethink things. This is my job and I choose to do it and I try to do it well. I hate the fact that something took away your security net, as that means I failed, but it won’t happen again. But despite the fact that you are my assignment, I like you and have enjoyed your company and though I don’t know you all that well, I think I know enough to say that what you are doing right now isn’t going to help anyone, yourself included.”

“I’m doing what I have to do, Paul. Nothing more,” She replied tensely, just wishing he would leave.

“What you are doing is exactly what he wants you to do, Monica,” The agent replied his anger at the killer getting in the way, “He wants you to feel vulnerable and afraid to the point that you shut down and you’re making his job increasingly simple for him at the moment. He’s instilled things in you that you’ve never felt before and that scares the living daylights out of you, but instead of dealing with how he’s made you feel, you’re not allowing yourself to feel anything-.”

“That’s enough, Paul.”

At the sound of Andrew’s voice, Paul turned his head, a mixture of surprise and annoyance now on his face, “I’m not finished yet-.”

“I think you’ve said enough,” The blond angel replied evenly, casting a glance at Monica as if to prove his point.

Paul could clearly see that the color had drained from her cheeks at his words and he cursed himself for being so harsh with her once more, “I’m sorry, Monica,” He muttered, angry enough at himself now to not feel as if he could face her, “Excuse me.”

As the agent left the room, the little angel slowly walked over to the bed, aware of Andrew’s eyes upon her, and shakily sat down, her focus on the floor. It wasn’t so much Paul’s words that had upset her, but more the fact of how close to the mark he was.

Andrew approached her slowly and carefully as he took a seat on the bed next to her, his heart hurting once more at her expression, which for the first time in so many years of knowing her, was unreadable. He knew that Paul had been speaking the truth, but one look at her had told him that the agent was upsetting her and that was something he was unwilling to allow. Though Paul’s words had been correct, his tone had been too harsh and abrupt for the fragile little angel. Andrew also knew that Paul had said what he had because he cared about Monica, but she was unaware of the depth of that caring. She had already been hit from one direction today and breaking down walls with a sledgehammer was by far not the best approach in this situation.

“He’s right, you know,” Her whisper broke the silence.

“Yes, he is,” The angel replied, longing to wrap her up in the safety of his arms, but forcing himself to hold back.

Monica’s fingers worked nervously against the edge of the bed as she fell silent for another brief moment, “I don’t know how to handle this…”

“Then let me help, and let God help,” He urged as gently as he could, though he saw her flinch.

“I don’t know how…” Her words were barely audible to him, but he could sense her desperation.

“You could start by not shutting me out, angel, “ With trepidation, he reached for her hand, relieved when she didn’t pull away, and concerned when she clutched it so tightly, her knuckles turned white, “All this fear; all this emotion, Monica, it has to have an outlet.”

“I’m scared.” She whispered, her gaze still fixated on the floor.

“You’re an angel and God will take care of you, as will Paul and I,” He was desperate to reassure her but the fearful expression was still on her face.

“He wants to hurt me…what he did to the cat…” Her eyes damp with tears, she closed them tightly.

"Shhh… don't think about it, Monica… please," Andrew consoled her, finally wrapping his arm around her shoulders and pulling her tight against his chest.

"I can't think about anything else!" she protested. "She wasn't even nice to us, but to see her… a poor animal… with her wee babies right there… and the wall…" she broke into helpless sobs.

Andrew rubbed her back and let her cry, knowing that trying to calm her down would do no good, and actually relieved that she was at least getting it all out. "I know," he murmured over and over again, his voice low and soothing.

He was somewhat startled when the Irish angel suddenly pulled away, wiping angrily at the tears on her face. His questioning eyes sought out hers and were disappointed by the hardness he saw in her normally deep and soulful eyes.

"This is exactly what I didn't want to do," she claimed, running the back of her hand under each eye. "I don't want to be like this. I don't want to feel this way, and I definitely don't want you and Paul to see me this way."

"Angel Girl, you can't change how you feel, and closing yourself off from the people who care about you only hurts everyone involved. Your emotions are one of the things I love about you… they are part of what makes you the perfect angel God created you to be…"

"Well He can have them back then," she choked out. "I don't want them any more."

Andrew closed his eyes, trying to think of the words that would make her see the truth. Those words had always been hers, spoken to those in need, and searching for the ones to say to her seemed an impossible task.

"Monica," he said softly, looking into her eyes once more, "you said that you didn't know how to handle this, and I'm here to tell you that you don't have to handle it alone. You may think that if you pretend everything is okay and that nothing bothers you, then that will make it so, but I think you know the world well enough to know that isn't true."

She shook her head, turning her face to the floor, her nervous fingers picking at the quilt on the bed. "But I don't…"

Andrew interrupted her. "You just told me that everything Paul said was right. Are you going to sit there now and say it wasn't?"

"No," she whispered.

"Then who do you think you are helping by pulling away?"

"Myself," she said, and then, looking up at him through dark lashes still wet with tears, she whispered, almost below his hearing, "and you."

He had been leaning forward to hear her, but at that single word he sat up and let out a breath, something close to shock coloring his expression. "Me?" he said in disbelief. "What? Monica…"

"I know how it hurts you to see me this way. I know you want to make it all go away, and you can't. I know that you can feel what I'm feeling half the time… and I don't want you to. It's bad enough it has to touch me… I don't…"

This time it was Andrew's eyes that turned hard as he quickly prayed that McArthur never come within his sight for fear of what he would do to the man. He softened his gaze before pulling Monica's exhausted body close.

"Angel, don't you know how much more it hurts me to have you keep things from me? I feel empty inside when I can't sense you there. I know that it's probably selfish of me, but I want to be the one to help you when you need it. I don't consider it a chore, I consider it an honor."

She looked at his face, seeing the sincerity and truth in his eyes, but still she asked, "Really?"

"Really. I told you weeks ago that there's no where else I'd rather be, than right beside you."

She moved her head to his chest, listening to the beat of his heart, and feeling her own echo the pattern. "I just wish I knew what to do," she said after a time.

Andrew looked down and then kissed the top of her head. "Well, as a matter of fact, I happen to have an idea about that."

"You do?" she said hopefully.

"Yes. I think it's time you talked to the Father, and shared some of this with Him." He was distressed but not totally surprised when her eyes clouded over and she nestled her head back against chest.

"I want to," she said quietly, "But I don't know…"

"Monica, I'm not going to force you. It's just something to think about. You'll know when the time is right for you… just remember that His heart is always open to you, and so is mine."

The Irish angel held tightly to him, allowing herself to feel the comfort he could provide. "I know."

Monica had elected to stay in Andrew’s arms for a long time, trying to draw strength from him, before she finally left her safe haven to go in search of Paul. She wandered slowly down the stairs and followed one of the few bursts of light that was coming from the study. The little angel hesitated at the door, feeling badly as she saw him sat at the desk, elbows propped on it and his head resting in his hands. It was obvious he had been trying to work, perhaps checking out any leads at the farm, but that his thoughts had strayed.

“Paul?” Quietly, she approached him, watching as he raised his head to look over at her.

“Monica, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean-.”

Silencing him, she held her fingers to his lips until he had stopped talking, before she withdrew them, “You have nothing to be sorry for. The things you said up there were true; I just didn’t want to hear them at the time.”

Watching as she took a seat on the small love sofa across from him, he turned in his chair to face her, “But I had no right to present it as I did, honey. That wasn’t what you needed.”

She was quiet for a moment as she met his eyes with her own, “None of this is your fault. The only one to blame is the free will of this man. I’m just grateful you reacted so quickly and got me out of there before he could really find me.”

“I would do anything within my power, Monica, to keep you safe,” He replied softly, “We never should have gone into town yesterday.”

“Yes, we should have,” She argued gently, with a nod of her head, “You can’t take a good memory and decide it is wrong because something bad happened because of it. Yesterday was wonderful and I treasured every moment of it. I felt safe and free and like me again, so how can that be bad?”

“When you say it that way, it can’t be,” Paul replied, a small grin on his face, relieved when she returned it with one of her own, “So I take it we are still friends?”

“Absolutely,” She smiled, as she rose to her feet, “I’m going to turn in early as I’m pretty tired.”

“Do you want me to show you how the security system works down here?” Paul questioned, as he too stood up and stretched, feeling better now that he knew she was. He noticed the weary look in and around her eyes and he shook his head, “It can wait till morning. Just make sure you don’t come downstairs tonight or before Andrew or I are awake in the morning or you’ll set it off. Not sure if my heart could take another false alarm,” He winked at her, delighted when she laughed.

“Good night, Paul,” She said softly as she prepared to leave, but the agent caught her arm and pulled her into a warm hug.

“I’m glad you are doing a bit better,” He whispered softly to her as he slowly released her, “Now, go and get some sleep. You look wiped out.”

“I’ll see you in the morning,” Monica replied as she slowly headed up the stairs, shaking off the very odd feeling she had just gotten.

*****

After the little angel had found a pair of pajamas in the clothing that had been purchased for her and had changed into them, exhaustion won out for several hours. Today had exhausted her emotionally and physically, there was the three hour time difference between the farm and the new safehouse, that had allowed her fall asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow.

She had tended to her little kitten family, setting them up and delighting in the fact that the agent had even gotten some toys for them to play with, as well as a rather large basket for them to sleep in to replace the box. So after being fed and tired out from play, they lay sprawled on top of each other, fast asleep.

All was peaceful when she suddenly opened her eyes and found a pair of malicious eyes staring back at her and terror filled her heart and mind as she shrank back, “Please…”

“It will only hurt for a moment, remember?” He grinned at her, as her eyes caught a glimpse of the shiny object in his hand, “You thought what I did to the cat was bad?”

Frozen in fear, her dark eyes pleaded with him, “Don’t…please don’t….”

“It’s hunting season…”….

Monica jerked awake and bolted up in her bed, her heart racing so quickly it felt as if it would pound right out of her chest, as her breaths came in short gasps. Her frantic eyes searched the room, but she was alone…alone.

An instant later, Andrew was at her side and she flung herself into his arms, “Where were you?” She whispered, her voice laden with fear.

“Paul was still awake…Angel, you’re trembling,” He held her tightly in his arms, waiting for her to calm down, “It was just a dream, honey, just a terrible dream. You’re all right and I’m here.”

“Don’t leave me,” She uttered tearfully.

“Never,” He assured her, trying to stop the anger from forming in his heart once more as he said a silent prayer for peace. He was afraid that if he couldn’t find it, his anger could very well turn to hate for one who had caused someone he loved such pain, “I’m right here, Angel Girl. Sleep. I’ve got you,” His hand tenderly ran through her hair as he felt her begin to calm as she drifted off to sleep.

But instead of returning her to her pillow, he continued to hold her, afraid that if he let her go, somehow her nightmares would come true.