CHAPTER 19

Though the day of painting had tired her out, once darkness had fallen once more, Monica once again found herself unable to sleep. She had never been fond of the dark, and this situation had done little to improve her comfort level with it. The nightmare from last night flooded back to her now as she lied in bed, staring into the blackness, and she struggled to distract herself from those thoughts.

Thankfully, Paul had seemed more at ease after her explanation this afternoon when he had caught she and Andrew in the hug, but what troubled her the most was how much it had seemed to have bothered him in the first place. He had seemed genuinely distressed when he had entered into the room and though she knew that it could have looked odd, the more she thought about it, the more she wasn’t convinced that was the reason. If it was a perfectly natural thing for Paul to offer her a comforting hug, then why would he be upset about Andrew doing the same thing?

At the time, she could only think of getting away from the premise that she and Andrew knew each other at all, but now she had more than a few doubts about the entire situation, but she couldn’t quite place her finger on what was bothering her so much. The little angel had always thought that humans were complicated creatures, who often kept what they were feeling to themselves instead of being honest about their emotions. She had watched assignments many times, dancing around situations instead of just dealing with them head on, and it always made her feel perplexed. True, she had tried to bury her feelings the other day for Andrew’s sake, but her masquerade had been unable to last long with him. They never could. The older angel knew her far too well and it warmed her heart that often there was very little she had to explain to him in words.

But Paul was different. Reserved most of the time, but he often warmed when the mood turned lighter…when her mood turned lighter. She sighed as she rolled over once more trying to stop her mind from working in order to be able to sleep. The agent had taken a chance in taking her on that outing a few days ago; so much so that he had instantly wanted to blame himself when she had been found. If he had known the dangers involved, then why would he take such risks? Granted, she had completely enjoyed the escape that day, but she also knew that Paul was a fine agent and risks were not something he would take without good reason and he really had no good reason to take this one. It hadn’t been an emergency, there had been no reason that they had to go into the town, so why would he take her?

Monica suddenly bolted up in bed, eyes wide. It couldn’t be, could it? Andrew had been jealous. Was there more to that story than he had shared with her today? Was he not only feeling threatened by Paul’s protectiveness of her, but because the agent had confided in him about something?

Feeling completely overwhelmed, as well as struggling with feelings of betrayal, Monica threw back the blanket and got out bed. She opened her door quietly and approached the stairs, deactivating the alarm system as Paul had shown her to do before she had retired for the night. She then crept downstairs and to the back door, also deactivating that system as well.

Seeing Russ, who had the night watch tonight, she beckoned to him from the screen door. Paul had introduced she and Andrew around this evening to the other agents and she had found them all very pleasant.

“Monica,” Russ approached her, keeping his voice low as to not wake anyone else in the house, “Are you all right?”

She managed a shaky smile for him, “Russ, I know Paul doesn’t particularly want me out of the house, but I could really use a few minutes of air. You can stay with me, I don’t mind, but please? Just for a couple of minutes?”

Russ looked undecided for a moment, but saw a look in her eyes that spoke volumes of just needing a brief escape, “Sure Monica. The grounds are secure and as long as you stay nearby, I don’t see a problem.”

“Thank you,” She uttered, reaching out to give his hand a squeeze, immediately thinking of the number of times she had done that with Paul. It had been such a harmless gesture, but now she could see it in an entirely different light.

The little angel walked out onto the porch and down the steps into the yard, her bare feet feeling the soft, cool grass underneath of her. Keeping her promise to not venture far, she walked in a small continuous circle, trying to sort out her jumbled thoughts.

She felt so naïve at the moment that she felt queasy, as she went over almost every detail since the first day that they had gone riding. It all had a completely different feel to it now as she looked at it as if her eyes had been opened for the first time. Had the agent assumed that she had been….flirting with him? That was what humans called it, though the purpose of it had always escaped her being an angel. It all felt like beating around the bush to her when she would see humans play these games with each other instead of just being honest about how they felt. Not understanding the concept had kept her from realizing how Paul felt about her sooner. If she was right.

And why would Andrew keep it from her if he knew? Why would he just allow her to keep moving in the same direction, while Paul’s feelings for her grew maybe with each gesture of friendship she had shown him? Now no matter what she did, she was going to hurt the FBI agent.

She continued her pacing for another few minutes, trying to convince herself that there was another explanation for everything. Unfortunately now that she had the ideas in her head, there was no way for her to discard them. She rubbed at her tired eyes and tilted her head back to look into the sky, hoping to somehow find the truth written among the stars. They twinkled in the darkness, but their light was cold and it gave her no answers. What it did give her was the resolve to go back inside and continue on along the path she had been thrust upon. As God had created each star and placed them perfectly within the sky, so had He placed her upon the earth, and she trusted that His plan for her was every bit as perfect as the constellations.

*****

Russ had been watching her intently from the porch, even as he tried to give her at least some semblance of privacy. He had heard quite a lot about her and he knew that what she was going through was one of the most difficult things any person could face. His heart went out to her as he watched her gaze into the sky, and he noted the determination written on her face when she turned to walk back to the house.

“Thank you so much,” she said as she passed through the door that he held open for her.

“Not a problem, Monica. I hope you’ll be able to get some sleep now.”

“I think I will,” she let a brief smile turn up the corners of her mouth before heading down the hallway and up the stairs.

Her every footstep on the wood floor sent tiny creaking noises through the upstairs hall, and she glanced nervously and Andrew and Paul’s rooms. There were no signs of movement from behind them, but she still gave a sigh of relief when she entered her own room and turned to shut the door.

“Monica, where have you been?”

She spun around to face her dearest friend, who was bathed in both the moonlight and the light of God, but who still wore a look of displeasure. His eyes met hers, and the annoyance was replaced with sympathy and concern.

“I’m sorry, angel… I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. I was just surprised when I came in here and found you gone.”

The Irish angel held his gaze for a few more seconds and then went to her bed and sat down heavily, not saying a word. She knew that his eyes were on her, expecting a response, but she wasn’t sure what to tell him. She was still feeling confused by her sudden revelation, and much of that confusion swirled around her mixed feelings about the fact that, if true, then Andrew had been keeping it from her almost from the beginning.

“Andrew,” she whispered, staring back up at him, her face devoid of its usual softness. “Did Paul tell you how he felt about me?”

The blond angel was certainly not expecting that question, and he waited while the shock passed over him, leaving his muscles tense and his palms slightly sweaty. He didn’t know how she had determined the truth, but she had, and obviously she had also realized his role in keeping it from her. He remembered how upset he had been earlier in the day, when she had seemed so hopelessly naïve to the point of being ignorant. How he wished that she had kept those qualities.

“I…” he knew that he couldn’t lie to her after being asked a direct question. “He did tell me something. Yes,” he replied softly, taking a step closer, but not yet daring to sit beside her.

“That’s part of the reason why you were upset today, isn’t it?”

“Partially,” he said slowly, “but everything I told you was also true. Those have been my feelings… I just left out his.”

“And you let me keep talking to him and doing things around him as if everything was perfectly normal,” she lightly accused. “All the while knowing that he was probably taking everything completely differently than the way I intended.”

“Monica…” he began, holding out a hand in hopes that she would take it and pull him to sit with her, but she kept her own hands folded in her lap. He let out a sigh and dropped his hand to his side. “I didn’t want to make things any more difficult for you. You’ve had a hard enough time without having to deal with human emotional entanglements that you aren’t even familiar with.” He knew that he had gone a step too far when her eyes lit up and her brows rose.

“Just because I haven’t dealt with them directly, doesn’t mean that I’m not familiar with them,” she said evenly. “I admit that I didn’t realize what was going on, but not telling me has only made things worse. I don’t know how to fix things and I just know that I’m going to end up hurting him.”

At the slight crack in her voice, Andrew could no longer stand there, and he took the single step to her bed and sat down next to her, waiting for her to face him. “I’m sorry, angel. I wasn’t sure what to do, and staying quiet just seemed to be easiest. You have to know that I never wanted to hurt you or Paul.”

“Yes,” she nodded her head, “but I think you have, and now I have an ache inside that I don’t know what to do with.”

Andrew fell silent for a moment, feeling more than terrible about his decision to keep this from her in the first place. To hurt anyone would break Monica’s heart and he had placed her in a position to bring emotional pain to someone that she cared about. Had she known the truth earlier, maybe she could have headed Paul off and avoided things getting worse, but now hurting him would be unavoidable.

He nodded his head sadly, unsure of what to say to bridge this sudden gap between them. While he knew she wasn’t angry, he could clearly sense her disappointment, though it didn’t hold a candle to the disappointment he felt in himself for making things more difficult for her, despite his good intentions, “I don’t know what else to say, Angel Girl. Hurting you was never my intention; protecting you was.”

“But you protected me from the truth, Andrew,” She pointed out, her expression more than troubled, “And because I didn’t know it, I made a bigger mess of this then it ever needed to be,” Seeing him lower his eyes, she sighed, knowing that nothing could allow him to turn back time and she could sense that he wished he could, “I’m not mad at you. I just don’t know how to make this better, despite how much I want to.”

Seeing his forlorn expression, the little angel wrapped her arms around his waist in a gentle hug and a moment later she felt him holding her tightly. Despite the situation, she didn’t want any tension between herself and Andrew as there was enough of that in the air already, though she did feel at a complete loss as to how to handle this sudden blow to her present existence.

“I’m sorry,” He whispered softly to her, kissing the top of her head.

“I know,” Monica replied defeatedly, suddenly feeling more exhausted then she could ever remember having felt before. She had seen her assignment murdered, been in human form for weeks, had a killer after her and now stood to hurt someone who had become a friend. She was trying to be a calm as she knew how to be, but inside she was screaming.

“We’ll work this out,” Andrew assured her, feeling a sudden tension come over her and longing to brush it away.

“There is no ‘we’ about it, Andrew. I have to find a way to work it out while doing the least amount of damage,” Her voice was barely audible to him as she leaned her forehead up against his shoulder, “I’m just so tired, Andrew…”

His heart ached at the tremble in her voice, knowing she was speaking from far more than a physical standpoint. While this last bit of information may have seemed to have been the smallest disaster so far, it had pushed her to a place of feeling emotionally drained, which is what he had feared all along. She was already trying to work out how to act around Paul now, afraid to be herself, and it was just one more charade the little Irish angel was now caught up in, “Why don’t you try and get some sleep, Angel Girl? It’s late and you worked hard today.”

Allowing him to release her, Monica laid down, knowing that tomorrow she was going to have to work even harder and she only hoped she could find it in herself to do so.

*****

Morning light did little to help Monica’s mood after a restless night’s sleep. She awoke alone, Andrew having returned to his room and she found herself feeling completely isolated all of a sudden. She couldn’t be herself with her best friend, and now she had to measure each word and action with Paul and it was completely overwhelming to her and she had no idea of how to face this day.

Still lying in bed, the angel closed her eyes, knowing that there was only one place to turn and that this was something she should have done a long time ago, “Father?” Her tired voice was a slight whisper as she forced herself to continue, “I know I should have come to You long ago, when this all first began, but I felt so horribly guilty about what happened to my assignment. By the time Tess and Andrew made me see the other side of things recently, I then felt ashamed by not bringing what was on my heart to You to begin with,” Monica felt tears filling her eyes, which she tried to wipe away though they were only replaced by more of them, “I’m frightened and confused and while I know that You are always with me, sometimes even an angel needs a reminder. Thank you for allowing Andrew to be here and please take the guilt from his heart about not telling me the truth about Paul.”

She fell silent for a moment, struggling with her emotions before she continued tearfully, “You know everything that has happened and everything that will happen. Please use this situation for good and show me the path You wish for me to follow, Father. I’m feeling a wee bit lost right now, but I know that to You, I’m not lost at all…”

The little angel lay quietly for a few moments before suddenly feeling the overwhelming warmth and love that could only come from God. It surrounded and filled her, bringing her peace even before He said a word.

“Yes, my precious child, I am with you now and always. Continue to trust in Me and know that My love is unending.”