CHAPTER 26

The night sky in the valley was perhaps one of the most magnificent sights that Monica had ever seen. The heavens, though darkened with night had come alive above her head as the stars had appeared in multitudes, stretching out like a sequined blanket in the sky for as far as her eyes could see.

Having been unable to sleep once the three of them had all gone to their rooms, she had crept quietly outside, knowing that for tonight at least, there was no real danger as no one knew that they were there. By late morning, she knew that the ranch would be alive with new agents sent here to protect her and once again the net of protection would be thrown over her, limiting her movements as she tried not to suffocate under its weight. So for now, she had decided to take advantage of the moment to feel as unafraid as she possibly could.

“There you are.”

The sound of Paul’s voice shifted her gaze from the sky to his face as she smiled a bit sheepishly, “I hope this was all right. It’s just so beautiful out here that I couldn’t resist.”

He considered her reasons for a moment before nodding his head as he took a seat next to her on the step and followed her gaze up to the stars, “Tonight it is fine as I don’t foresee any trouble. Come morning, however…”

“Understood,” She let out a soft sigh, knowing all too well that morning would bring the problems of a brand new day and she would have never seen herself preferring the darkness to a sunrise, but for right now, that was the reality of it.

They sat in compatible silence for a moment, before Paul spoke up once more, his voice holding a tinge of nervousness beneath its usual warmth, “I have to tell you, Monica, I think you have handled all of this remarkably well, especially considering what has been thrown at you.”

Managing a small smile, she glanced over at him, “At times, I’ve wondered, Paul, but you and Andrew have certainly been wonderful. I don’t think I’ve thanked you since the first night we arrived at the farm, so thank you. You’ve helped to make this bearable.”

“You don’t have to thank me, honey,” Tentatively, he reached for her hand and grasped it in his own, “It has honestly been a pleasure.”

Though the gesture of her hand in his was a small thing, a knot began to form in the pit of her stomach as she tried to swallow back her panic, “I’m sure my nightmares, midnight walks and moments of grace falling off horses have been a real treat for you, Paul,” She smiled, trying to casually pull her hand away, but he held on tightly, “Not to mention my turning your safe houses into a refuge for orphaned kittens.”

He chuckled softly as he met his eyes with hers once more, “You’ve been a breath of fresh air, Monica, kittens and all,” He lowered his eyes for a moment, trying to summon up all his courage to admit his feelings to her, “Monica…”

“Paul, don’t,” She whispered, unable to fathom the thought of him baring his heart when there was no way she could return the feelings and desperately wanting to save him as much hurt as she could.

His eyes widened slightly at her words, “You don’t even know what I was going to say.”

“I think I do,” Monica replied, her expression one of complete remorse, “I think I understand more than you realize I do.”

He released her hand slowly to fold it with his other one as he clenched them together tightly, “So you’ve gathered that I have feelings for you,” It wasn’t a question, more of a statement that he had resigned himself to.

“Yes,” She gazed back up at the stars, trying to gain strength from their glory, “Paul, you’ve been a good friend to me, and I treasure finding that in you, but-.”

“But that’s it, huh?” He tried to keep the bitterness from his voice. He wasn’t upset with her, only disgusted with himself. He had known all along that she was an innocent and any gestures she had made towards him had only been pure, but now he had placed her in another awkward situation and himself in one too.

“I’m sorry,” Monica uttered in a voice so soft he almost thought he imagined her speaking. Her heart ached at the hurt she could so clearly see in his face and she wished she had some way to alleviate it.

“Don’t be sorry,” Paul replied, rising to his feet in preparation to go back inside the house, “And don’t stay out here too long. It’s getting late and you should get some sleep.”

“Paul…” Her eyes pleaded with him, longing to have the relationship between them stay as comfortable as it had been, but he had quickly put up a wall that she had no idea of how to tear down.

“It’s fine, Monica, really,” He told her as gently as he could as he opened the screen door, “I’ll see you in the morning.”

Monica sadly watched him go back inside, her heart aching at the hurt she knew she had caused. Turning back to look into the sky once more, she felt her soul well up with all the grief that had gathered in it over the past weeks. Her vision was blurry as she tried to pick out the constellations, desperate to see that some things were constants.

“Oh, Father,” she whispered finally, as she bowed her head, unable to see through her tears. “Please give me the strength to continue, and please give me the right words at the right time.” She knew that eventually Paul would learn of her true nature and she just hoped that the fact that she and Andrew had kept it secret wouldn’t hurt him even more.

She stayed outside for a while longer, but with Paul’s expression weighing on her heart she couldn’t find as much joy in her surroundings. She spun around once more, taking in the stars and moon and the mountains silhouetted against the dark sky. She wasn’t sure when she would have a private viewing of it again and she wanted it committed to memory. Then, taking in a deep breath, she moved towards the door and went inside.

The moonlight was more than bright enough for her to see her way through the house, and she padded quietly down the hall to her room. Her heart beat a little faster as she approached Andrew’s room, and she paused in front of his door, her hand hovering over the knob. Then she closed her eyes and dropped her head and her hand. There was no need to wake him from his first real night’s sleep in over a week. Just after dinner she had managed to whisper to him that she didn’t think she’d need his help sleeping, and she wasn’t about to disturb him now.

Her room was bathed in moonlight and she felt a certain peace when she entered it. It wasn’t the light of God, but it was light that He had made, and she climbed into her bed determined to fall asleep surrounded by its comforting glow. Unfortunately that light couldn’t penetrate behind her eyelids or into her heart where the doubts and sorrows of the day still dwelled.

“Having trouble, angel?” the soothing voice floated down to her ears as she rolled over for the hundredth time, and her eyes snapped open to see Andrew standing beside the bed.

“Andrew,” she breathed his name with relief but also shame. “I told you that you didn’t need to come,” she said remorsefully, feeling that her troubled heart had probably been enough to wake him.

“I know, but I wanted to check on you anyway.” He reached down to cup her face in his hand. “And don’t forget… you aren’t the only one who misses being able to spend time together.”

She smiled, but it was strained and he knew immediately that something had happened. After dinner she had been acting relatively happy, planning for the next day’s ride, making one last trip to the barn to see the foals, and playing with the kittens in front of the big stone fireplace in the living room. He had known that her fears and worries had not disappeared, which was part of the reason for his late night visit, but now, looking into her dark and troubled eyes, he could see that there was something more.

“I went outside to look at the stars,” she said, and Andrew continued to look at her questioningly. “Paul came out to find me and he started to tell me things that I didn’t want to hear…”

“Oh, Monica,” he sat down next to her on the bed and pulled her close. He knew, without asking, exactly what those “things” were.

“I stopped him, but it was too late. I told him that I treasured his friendship, but that only seemed to hurt him. I didn’t know what else to say,” she said helplessly. “It happened so suddenly, and I guess I never really planned out what to say… I guess I was hoping that I wouldn’t have to say anything.” She leaned against Andrew’s chest, letting his heartbeat calm her own troubled heart.

“That’s what I was hoping too, Angel Girl,” he told her, closing his eyes and kissing the top of her head. “It was just one more thing that I didn’t want you to have to deal with.”

“But I did… and I think I did it badly… and now I don’t know how things are going to be between us. He wouldn’t look at me after I stopped him, and I don’t know how I’ll bear it if things are all horrible and tense. It’s bad enough to feel that someone out there wants to hurt me, but if I lose Paul’s friendship too…”

“That’s not going to happen,” Andrew said firmly. “You’re right… I’m sure that he is hurt at the moment, but he isn’t going to let that change the way he acts towards you… even if you can’t return his feelings he can’t shut his off, and I know the last thing he wants is to hurt you.”

A few tears leaked from Monica’s closed eyes and she let out a shuddering breath. “Yes, but I hurt him… and I can’t stand knowing that I did that. I’ve never hurt anyone on purpose…”

“Hey, now… stop it. You didn’t hurt him on purpose either. You didn’t do anything to make him feel the way he does about you.”

She shook her head slightly. “Maybe… or maybe I was so scared for myself that I didn’t pay attention to everything else that was going on.”

“Monica, you had a right to be scared, and you had a right to think about yourself for a change. You may be an angel, but even angels can’t watch out for everyone, all the time. Only God can do that.” He held her a fraction tighter as he went on. “You have been stronger than you think, baby, never really changing who you are or the way you act, despite everything that’s happened. That’s why Paul was able to fall in love with you in the first place, but that doesn’t make it your fault.”

“I wish that I could believe that,” she murmured, feeling herself move closer to sleep.

“Even if you don’t believe it, it’s the truth… and you know that the truth is always in you.”

As he felt her drift off to sleep in his arms, the older angel sighed sadly, and he slowly laid her back against her pillows. The moonlight coming in through the window picked up the shiny paths that her tears had made on her cheeks and he longed to erase the pensive expression on her face, even in sleep.

“Father, she feels like she is carrying the weight of the world on her small shoulders,” He whispered softly, his gaze resting on the moon outside of her window, “If it be Your will, please allow this to be over soon, for all of us. We are all dealing with our own emotions in this and none of them are easy.”

He smiled, feeling God’s love fill the room and looking down, he watched Monica’s expression soften as she seemed to feel it as well. Tenderly brushing the hair from her eyes, he leaned down to kiss her forehead as he whispered, “Sleep well, sweet angel.”

Though he knew she had wanted him to sleep tonight, he elected to stay at her side as even in sleep, these were still moments he could share with her.

*****

Paul tossed and turned early the following morning, sleep completely evading him as he tried to take his mind off what was really troubling him in order to focus on the tasks he needed to complete today. He would need to contact the head of the agency to let him know where they had gone yesterday. He knew the director would not be pleased with him waiting even this long to give their location, but Paul knew that keeping quiet last night would be well worth the reprimand, despite the fact that maybe had this place been occupied with other agents last night, he would have perhaps kept his big mouth closed to Monica on the porch.

The tortured look in her eyes had remained on his conscience all night and he cursed himself again wondering what he had been thinking in the first place by trying to tell her in the midst of all the conflict how he felt about her. He felt even further stricken by the fact that she had already known and had apparently been trying to put off the inevitable by not discussing her knowledge with him.

“What did you expect from her, for God’s sake?” He muttered aloud to himself. Her days had been filled with fear, she had been ripped from her home and then from numerous homes and he expected her to confess that she was falling in love with him as well. He never should have let his own emotions get into the way; he should have learned that the first time around.

No, he would just bury his feelings for her and concentrate on getting this case solved so he could give her what she truly wanted-her freedom. He had more than enough to keep him occupied and he made a mental note to contact the agents in the previous state to see if they had turned up any signs of McArthur after the shooting yesterday. The man was good, but he would make a mistake eventually and Paul was determined to be there the moment it happened.

*****

Though given the choice, Monica would have preferred to hide in her room this morning, she knew that would only serve to make matters worse. Paul would quickly detect that she was avoiding him, and she certainly didn’t want to make him feel any more uncomfortable than he already did.

She had awoken alone, though Andrew’s presence had been lingering in the room and she sighed softly, knowing he had stayed with her through the night. Though she felt guilty about it, his protectiveness touched her deeply and she whispered a quick prayer of thanks once more that he was there to help her shoulder this burden, which was quickly getting heavier as the days went by. Just when it felt that things couldn’t get any worse, she was proven wrong once again. McArthur trying to hurt her was one thing, but the fact that she had hurt someone else last night, was not going over lightly with her. She hated the way it felt, knowing she had caused one of God’s children pain, despite the fact that she also knew she had no way to return Paul’s feelings. Yes, she loved him, but as one of the Father’s special children and as a friend who had been helping her through a very difficult time.

The house was quiet as she climbed out of bed, taking a moment to gaze at the sunrise before showering, changing, and heading to the kitchen. She started a pot of coffee, before pulling a pan from the cupboard and setting it on the stove, her mind laden with indecision. She wanted to do something nice for Paul and though maybe breakfast was a shallow thing to want to do, it would at least be a start and she knew she had to start somewhere. But her doubts in her abilities came to the surface once more, remembering the mess she had made of a meal the last time she had tried. Cooking had never been one of her gifts and the last thing she wanted to do was set off the fire alarm again and she wasn’t surprised to feel tears of frustration pricking the corners of her eyes.

“I’ll help,” Andrew stated softly as he came up next to her, already knowing what she was trying to do and dismayed to see the presence of tears in her dark eyes.

Monica looked up at him as a sad smile crossed her face and a moment later, she had wrapped her arms around him in a hug as tight as she could muster, knowing in that moment that the gift of not having to explain her intentions to him was far more important than her lack of culinary ability.

Embracing her back tightly, he felt her drawing in a deep breath to get her emotions under control once more and he waited until she had done that before he released her gently, seeing that her eyes had cleared.

“Thank you,” She smiled, her love for him apparent in her expression, as she faced the task once more only this time with renewed energy. She needed something to focus on that couldn’t go astray and breakfast had given part of that and Andrew’s guidance was filling in the missing part of the equation.

He watched as she took from the refrigerator the items she had decided upon and laid them on the counter before the two of them set to work, Andrew being careful to not have her handling things which could burn easily. The fact that this was important to her made it every bit as important to him and he didn’t want to see her disappointed. She had seen enough of that lately to last her the rest of her existence.

“Remember something for me, angel, all right?”

She looked up from the sink where she stood peeling potatoes for hash browns. Nodding her head, she waited for him to continue.

“I know you want things with Paul back the way they were before,” He began carefully, his eyes meeting with hers, “But I don’t want you holding yourself responsible if things don’t fix as easily as you would like them to. You cannot control the way he feels or how he chooses to handle this situation. So are we clear on that one small fact?”

A small sigh escaped her, “Yes, we are and I know you’re right. I just wish…” Her voice trailed off as she returned her attention to the potato, “I don’t really know what I wish anymore. I wanted this whole thing over, but when that happens, it means Paul goes off on his own again maybe still feeling hurt and I don’t want that at all."

The older angel actually felt a wave of relief at her words, taking them as proof that she would one day heal from this experience as her love for God’s children was so clearly stated in her thoughts. Glancing down the hall and still not sensing a stir from Paul’s room, he came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, “Have faith that God will work all of this out in the end. No one is more aware of what rests on your heart right now than He is, sweetheart.”

Leaning her head back against him, she looked up at him and smiled, “And you. You know more than you let on sometimes I think.”