CHAPTER 10

Paul looked around the guestroom one more time before heading downstairs and into the living room. He hoped that the stairs wouldn’t give Monica any trouble. His offer to rearrange the study had been met with strict orders not to put himself out, but that was no more than he expected from her.

Four days at home with Alex had felt more like four weeks and he was ashamed at the fact that he was looking forward to the distraction the angels would provide. It wasn’t that Alex was openly hostile, in fact it was just the opposite. She was polite and agreeable and when he moved to kiss her she no longer turned her head. She also no longer talked. Gone was the familiar banter and in its place was a cold silence that draped the whole townhouse in gloom. After her one blow-up he had expected that she would open up and tell him everything once she managed to calm down, but she hadn’t. When he had returned to her room that evening she hadn’t even mentioned it. She had asked about Monica, and complimented him on the food, and asked him to bring her laptop up to the bedroom. She hadn’t said one word about the argument, his knowledge about the bombers or anything about what she was thinking or feeling.

That left Paul to go over every word she had spoken, analyzing it for some clue that would give him the answers he needed, and the words that bothered him the most were the ones she had barely whispered. ‘Only by the process of elimination.’ That was what she had replied when he’d told her how much he loved and needed her… how she was his whole world. Just hearing them again in his head was enough to make his stomach revolt.

What did she mean? Who was she comparing herself to? It couldn’t be Monica. She knew that what he’d felt for her had long since been replaced with friendship… if it had ever been real love to begin with. The only other option was Lauren but he couldn’t even wrap his mind around that possibility. Alex had never known her and he had mentioned her only once or twice in passing. Then who? Did she think he had settled for her? Had his words hurt her that deeply? Every time he thought about it he wanted to slap himself. They had just been words to start with, but he had left them hanging there. He had let her dwell on them and build them up to mean something he had never intended, and now he didn’t have the slightest clue how to get through to her.

He was afraid to ask her outright. He knew her stubborn side better than anyone, and he knew that if he brushed her the wrong way now she would do one of two things: push back hard or shut him out completely. Neither seemed like a good outcome at the moment. So, as determined as he was not to let Monica and Andrew fix his mistake, he was still grateful they were coming. Andrew seemed much less angry with him now, and he was in dire need of advice. Monica had still acted a bit distant with him during his last visit, but he was trying to write that off as pain medication and general distress over everything that had happened.

Picking up the last stray file from the coffee table, he moved on to the study. What he really wanted was a cup of coffee… preferably with a shot of something in it, Alex was in the kitchen and he was trying to give her whatever space she needed. He let out a sigh as he sat down behind his desk and stared out the window at the street. With any luck the knots in his stomach would loosen once Monica and Andrew arrived. He could hardly wait.

*****

“How are you doing?” Andrew asked quietly as the taxi made another tight turn as it wound its way through residential DC.

She had been very quiet after the first five minutes of driving, and she turned to him and wasn’t afraid or ashamed to let the pain show in her eyes. “A little sore,” was what she said but he could see that it was more.

He wrapped an arm around her shoulders to steady her against the bumps and glared at the back of the driver’s head. “We’re almost there. We’ll get you all settled and then you can take your pain meds.”

“I’m glad they don’t live any farther away,” she replied and he felt her body flinch.

“Me too. Talked to Paul this morning and he’s got our room all set. I think he even put flowers in there in your honor,” he smiled, trying to distract her.

“I told him not to go to any trouble.”

“I’m pretty sure he was holding himself back, Monica. If he had his way he probably would have had an elevator installed.”

“Did he say how Alex was?” she asked as his chuckle died down.

“She’s doing better. Out of bed most of the time now.”

She glanced up at him and he knew that wasn’t the answer to her question.

“I don’t think they’re talking much, angel. He sounded a little upset when I asked about her.”

“I don’t know about this, Andrew. I really think we should just go to a hotel or something.”

“Monica, if God wanted you in a hotel, don’t you think He would have let us know?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.

“I don’t know. He doesn’t always tell us exactly where to go.”

The other eyebrow went up and he stared at her.

“Oh, fine,” she said with a slight rolling of her eyes.

“Monica, you don’t have anything to worry about. In fact, I think Alex needs you right now more than she did when you were both trapped.”

“Maybe. I just hope that being there doesn’t make things worse.”

A light kiss on her forehead erased some of her fears. “You couldn’t make things worse if you tried. Now just close your eyes and try to relax. We’re only a few streets away.”

Monica did as he asked with a soft sigh and he smiled when a moment later she had drifted off to sleep.  He was going to hate to wake her in the few minutes it would take for them to arrive as today had already wiped her out as it was going to take time for her to get her strength back.  She was still in a good bit of pain from the incision though she insisted her ribs were feeling a little better each day. 

He needn’t have worried about waking her as the rather abrupt halt the driver came to in front of the townhouse took care of that and Andrew had to tighten his hold on her to keep her from flying forward.  He shot a glare at the man as he paid him and though it was probably not very angelic, he passed on giving the man a tip.  Monica was blinking sleepily as he took her hand to help her inch her way out of the car.

“Lets get you in and settled, sweetheart,” He stated as he wrapped his arm around her waist to help support her as they walked up to the porch.

Paul was opening the door before Andrew even had a chance to ring the bell, “Hey you two,” He grinned and the older angel didn’t miss the relief that was visible in his friend’s eyes, “Get in here.  Honey, you look exhausted,” He moved aside to let them in the door, noting the way Monica kept her eyes lowered.

“She fell asleep ever so briefly during our rather wild cab ride,” Andrew explained, a trace of annoyance in his voice.  He was still holding onto his wife and he looked down at her tenderly, “So I really think a nap is in order.”

“Monica! Andrew!” Alex smiled as she came out of the kitchen and joined them, though she kept a slight distance from her husband, “We’re so glad to have you.”

Monica looked up and a trace of distress filled her eyes.  Yes, Alex was smiling, but she could clearly see the pain and sadness around her friend’s eyes.  They would definitely need to talk and soon.  Right now though, the little angel was more focused on closing her eyes, “I’m so glad you’re feeling better, Alex,” She managed a grin as she leaned a bit heavier into Andrew.

“I am,” she replied, though she didn’t miss the pain and tiredness in her friend’s delicate features, “Andrew, get her upstairs.  Paul has the guest room all ready for you.”

Paul managed to keep his smile in place, though it was an effort.  Alex was acting as if they had been sitting here together, anticipating their friend’s arrival and that was certainly not the case.  Yes, they had been anticipating it, , but not together and not for the reasons that they should, “Can you make it all right, Monica?” He followed them worriedly down the hall, needing to be able to do something, anything for someone.

“Andrew will help me,” She replied softly, as she looked up the stairs.  Daunting didn’t begin to describe it, but she drew in a breath and proceeded to take them slowly, her husband’s arm never leaving her waist as he helped steady her.  She knew that once there had been a time when she would have insisted on doing this alone, but marrying her best friend had changed so many things.  She no longer felt quite the need to be so stubborn about things she couldn’t help or the need to hide that walking hurt at the moment.  She was convinced she was climbing Mt. Everest and someone had forgotten to give her hiking equipment, but on the same token when she finally reached the top, had she not been so weary, she would have felt completely triumphant.

“You okay?” Andrew could see the tears in her eyes and how she now seemed a little paler then she had before and he felt his heart pounding a bit more loudly.

Monica managed a nod as Paul directed them to their room and she sighed with relief at finally being able to sit down on the bed to catch her breath.  Andrew was already pressing a pill into her hand while Paul was handing her a glass of water to take it with. 

“You can live up here until you feel stronger,” The agent was informing her, hating the way she glanced at him only slightly and he found himself wondering if he had fucked things up even more than he had originally thought, “Your stuff arrived,” He forced a grin as he nodded towards the closet, “Oh, and your cat as well.”

“Lucy?” She looked up hopefully and as if hearing her name, the little cat leaped gracefully up on the bed and gave the angel a soft headbutt in greeting even as a purr emerged from her.

Andrew smiled as Monica fussed over her pet before he moved to the closet to pull out a nightgown for her, eager to get her resting.

“Getting settled?” Alex had finally reappeared and briefy took a seat on the bed beside of Monica.

“Yes, thank you,” She smiled tiredly. She longed to talk to her friend, but with Paul in the room that was not possible, so it would have to wait until later.

Leaning over, Alex gave her the gentlest of hugs as she whispered, “I’m so glad you’re here.”

Monica nodded her head, before meeting her eyes with the young agent, “Can we talk later?” Her voice was barely a whisper as she noted that Paul and Andrew were immersed in conversation for the moment.

“Of course,” Alex was doing her best to put on a face that showed everything was fine, but she had a feeling the little angel was seeing right through her. 

“Okay you two, out,” Andrew grinned as he gave Alex a wink, “My wife needs to rest as she has had a big day.”

Paul rolled his eyes playfully, though he was wishing Monica was feeling better for a number of reasons, “You just like being able to call her your ‘wife’.”

“Yes, there is that as well,” Andrew chuckled, laying a hand against Monica’s head.

“You have a nice nap,” Alex informed her as she stood up, still a little slow in her movement.

“Let me know what you need, honey,” Paul added, bending to kiss the top of her head, not missing the way Monica tensed slightly.  He needed to talk to Andrew and soon.

Monica breathed a sigh of relief when their friends departed as she looked up at Andrew, “What we need is a knife to cut the tension, I think.”

“I don’t want you worrying about it right now, angel,” He scolded gently as he helped her to change into the nightgown, “There will be plenty of time for you to speak with Alex, but right now, I want you resting.”

A quirky grin played on her lips, “Yes, sir.”

He chuckled softly as he drew back the covers on the bed and held them up while she slowly got herself settled and Lucy nestled up against her almost protectively, “Comfortable?”

“Mmm hmmm,” She replied, her eyes already starting to slide shut as she reached for his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, “I love you.”

Andrew smiled as he bent to brush her lips softly, “I love you too, baby.  Now sleep.  I’ll check on you in a bit.”  He watched her until he was sure she was sleeping soundly, before he went in search of Paul.

He found his friend in the study and it appeared at first that Paul was working, but on closer inspection, Andrew didn’t think little blue boxes on a sheet of notes really qualified as work, “Where’s Alex?”

“Kitchen,” He replied absent mindedly, “Or maybe the better answer is ‘as far away from me as is humanly possible’.  Monica all settled?”

“Sound asleep.”

“She seems pissed off at me as well.”

Andrew hesitated, not sure of how to respond.  He didn’t feel it was up to him to tell Paul the things that Monica had told him, the things that Alex had told her, but he could also see his friend was suffering, “I think you would be better off talking to Monica about that, or better yet, Alex.”

Paul pushed his chair back from his desk, the sound of the legs against the floor seeming louder than it should, “Well, funny thing about talking, Andrew.  Generally, it would require a conversation and my wife hasn’t been all that prone to those lately.”  Seeing Andrew taking a seat on the edge of the desk, he knew the angel was waiting for him to continue, “She knows everything.  She knows that we had a lead and she was highly pissed off when she found out, but since then, she has not said a word, other than what is absolutely necessary.  She lost most of her unit in that building; knowing her she is probably feeling even more guilty than I am that Monica was hurt, though I’m not sure that is possible, and she is doubting my love for her.  She even said something about I only loved her due to a ‘process of elimination’.  What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Standing up again, Andrew shoved his hands into his pockets and Paul was quick to pick up on the action. He narrowed his eyes at the angel. Andrew only did that when he was undecided about something.

“Andrew… if you know something… you’ve gotta tell me, buddy. I’m swinging in the wind here! My marriage is falling to hell and I don’t even know why.”

“Paul, I really don’t think…”

“Look, I know you don’t want to get in the middle, and I don’t want to put you there, I swear. But please… give me something…”

The angel sighed and sank down into the leather chair. “I haven’t talked to Alex… I only know what Monica’s told me…”

“And?”

Andrew looked up and met Paul’s gaze sharply. “I can tell you the basics, Paul, but you need to talk to Alex, and don’t even think about getting Monica to do your talking for you this time.”

He held up his hand and shook his head sadly. “Trust me, I learned my lesson… I not gonna say I’m not glad you’re here, but I wouldn’t put Monica in that position again.”

“All right. As long as we understand each other.” The steel determination in Andrew’s eyes let Paul know that the angel’s protective instincts were on overdrive and if he dared to cross him he’d better be prepared to check himself into the witness protection plan.

“I swear, Andrew. They won’t even know you told me anything. I just need to know what I’m up against so I know where to start,” he continued hopelessly as he sat down on the chair across from Andrew.

“Part of the reason I’m telling you this is because I believe that Monica and Alex are completely wrong about what they’re thinking. So wrong that I don’t think you would ever consider it. I hope to God that I’m right.”

Paul’s stomach clenched and his hands balled into fists. “What? What is it?”

“What you said to Alex during your fight… about the bedroom…”

Paul closed his eyes and grimaced. “I swear I didn’t mean anything, Andrew…”

“Well that’s not what Alex thinks. Maybe if you’d settled the argument right then, she wouldn’t have thought about it so much…” Andrew didn’t know what caused him to insert that pointed little barb but he couldn’t help it. “She thinks you don’t feel she’s been a good enough wife to you… and that makes her think that you wish she was someone else…”

“Process of elimination… I know… but who? Some random woman I don’t even know?”

“No. Not random. Lauren.”

The agent sucked in a quick breath and leaned back as if struck. “I… I thought maybe Monica… but Lauren? It barely crossed my mind… I never… I have never compared them, Andrew. I have never even talked to her about Lauren!”

Andrew’s mouth was pressed into a thin line. “Well apparently Alex has thought about her quite a lot.”

“Fuck! That’s what she thinks? She thinks I don’t love her as much as I loved Lauren…” the disbelief and disgust was evident in his voice. Disgust at himself. If she felt that way then obviously he hadn’t said enough to convince her otherwise.

“I told you that I didn’t believe it, Paul, but apparently she even thinks that Monica is a reminder of Lauren… because she looks so much like her…”

Paul leaned forward and let his head fall into his hands. “That’s why Monica won’t look at me. She’s not just pissed, she’s trying to help Alex.”

“Unfortunately, yes. I tried to convince her that Alex was just dwelling on something that she’s kept hidden all this time, but you know Monica…”

“Yeah… she’d do just about anything for someone she loves…”

If possible, Andrew’s expression grew even darker. “It’s a little bit more than that, Paul. Right now she isn’t sure if the main reason you’re so attached to her isn’t because you see Lauren when you look at her.”

“What? No! Damnit! Of course not! Andrew… tell me that you don’t believe that.”

“I don’t. I can tell how much she means to you and I know that it has nothing to do with who she resembles. I’m just laying all the cards on the table here, Paul. But I’m telling you that you’d better start picking them up and dealing with them. Hiding here in your office isn’t going to fix things.”

He let out a long breath as he calmed himself down. “I know that… but I don’t know how to talk to her either… God… I had no idea… I can’t believe I let it get to this. I can’t believe she never told me she felt that way.”

“I don’t think she wanted to think about it herself… but this fight just brought the feelings to the surface.”

There were tears in Paul’s eyes when he looked at the angel. “She is my whole life, Andrew. I never thought I would ever…” He swallowed hard and shook his head. “And she thinks…” He rubbed the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut.

“Look… I’m going to go check on Monica and leave you alone. Just don’t shut yourself in here for too long.”

Paul looked up as Andrew rose to his feet. “Thanks buddy. I owe you one…”

“You don’t owe me anything… Alex, on the other hand…” He left the sentence hanging there and quietly left the room, closing the door on his way out.

Andrew immediately ascended the stairs once more.  He had hated leaving Monica alone at all, but he knew that Paul needed to talk; he had seen it in the agent’s eyes.  He only hoped that now that Paul knew the truth he would act on it in a timely manner before the gap between he and Alex grew wider.

As he sat down carefully on the bed next to Monica, he was struck by just how delicate a balance marriage could be.  Though he and the little angel had barely been married a month, he had already felt changes within himself.  He could never have imagined feeling any more protective of her than he had been for years, but now, it was almost a possessiveness he now felt.  If anyone were to hurt her, he would prefer to throw punches now and ask questions later.  It wasn’t something he was necessarily proud of, but the fact that he had thrown Paul up against the wall at the hospital told him it was the truth.

But yet, as an angel, he was watching the way Paul had so far handled this situation and he found himself shaking his head.  He knew that he was not above hurting Monica as he had done it before, but to allow the hurt to fester, to walk away when he knew he was wrong, that was what he was having trouble comprehending. 

Gazing down at his sleeping wife, he ran a hand tenderly over her head.  She was such a delicate creature, yet at the same time, strong and even more strong willed.  She was a lot like Alex in that respect and he mused that was the reason the two of them got along so well.  He had always taken great care not to hurt her, but even with that priority, it had still happened in the past.  But given his now almost blinding protectiveness of her, he could never imagine hurting her and then allowing her to walk away still feeling that pain.  However, Andrew also knew that it was not out of the question that it could one day happen, despite the fact that he couldn’t fathom her ever making him that angry.  He was one who often made himself angry out of fear for her.

Leaning down, he kissed her cheek softly, “Angel,” He whispered, fairly certain she could not hear him, “If I ever hurt you, please know that I am already sorry.”

*****

“Hungry?” Alex asked as she poked her head in Monica’s door some time later that afternoon.  The angel was just opening her eyes and Alex noted how she seemed to be looking around for someone, “Andrew came downstairs just a few minutes ago and told me he thought you’d be waking up soon.  Sooo, I fixed you a late lunch.”

Monica struggled to sit up, wincing slightly at the pain the action caused as Alex set the tray down on the nightstand and moved to help her, “Thank you.  For the assistance and for lunch,” She really wasn’t feeling all that hungry.  She felt more tired than anything, but she also knew eating was going to help her get her strength back, so she was determined to do so.

She finally caught her breath and motioned for Alex to sit down, “I want to know what has been going on between you and Paul.”  As soon as the words were said, Monica noticed the way Alex’s hands worked nervously.

“You’re starting to sound like me, Monica.  No sense messing around when you can cut right to the chase.”

“I’ve learned from the best,” She replied gently, and then waited for her question to be answered.

Alex let out a deep breath, “Nothing is going on between us.  We’re…not really talking.”

“It’s rather difficult to fix things when you aren’t talking, isn’t it?” Monica countered softly, reaching over to take her friend’s hand.

“I don’t have anything to say, Monica.  What is there to say?”

“Paul can’t reassure you of anything if you aren’t willing to listen,” Her own words struck her as ironic as she had been doing the same thing to Paul by shutting him out, but she pushed those thoughts aside.

“I don’t want him lying to me to make me feel better.  The way he feels is bad enough and add to that the fact that he knew something was going to go down that day…”

Monica’s face paled slightly at Alex’s words, “He…He knew?”

Alex wanted to kick herself for ever having said it as it was painfully obvious that Monica hadn’t had any idea, but it was too late to back out now, “His unit had been tracking some men…they were suspicious of them and had apparently uncovered enough to know that something could happen.”

She looked away for a moment, her emotions in turmoil.  Paul had left Alex in that building, but she was sure that must have been just because he had been upset with her.  But he had also encouraged her to go in to meet up with Alex.  That hurt, but once again, she pushed it aside, “He couldn’t have known, not really. He never would have left you in there, Alex.”

“I know that, but it doesn’t change how he feels about me.  I know he loves me, but not like he loved Lauren…not enough.”

“I don’t believe that,” Monica was shaking her head, “I’ve seen the way he looks at you.  I see the way he is suffering now.  He’s desperate to make things right, Alex, but you have to open up to him first.  I’m having trouble believing he is comparing you to Lauren at all.”

Alex was quiet for a moment and she felt Monica squeeze her hand.  When she finally looked up, there was a haunted look in her blue eyes, “But what if I’m not wrong?”

Monica pondered that for a moment, and only for a moment, “Lauren is dead, Alex.  If on the slim chance you are right, don’t you love Paul enough to work it out with him?  If he is still in some small way, grieving for Lauren, isn’t your marriage worth helping him through it?  He married you, Alex and not because you were some consellation prize.  Paul isn’t that shallow and he doesn’t take his commitment to you lightly.  Give him a chance to show you that.”

The agent allowed the tears she had been holding back to fall as she spoke around the lump in her throat, “I love him so much, Monica.  After so many horrible relationships, I believed another one is what I deserved but I didn’t get that with Paul…”

“You are more than worthy of his love,” The angel whispered softly to her friend, before a small smile crossed her face, “Bad relationships aren’t a disease, Alex.  He can’t catch it and suddenly change who he is.”  Alex had spoken nearly the same words to her in the barn a few short months ago when she had been the one doubting, “Yes, Paul loved Lauren and he lost her.  Then he found you and fell in love.  Don’t lose each other, Alex over a few words spoken in anger.  Talk to him.  Please?”

Alex wiped at her eyes, ineffectively, “You’ve given me a lot to think about, Monica.  I can’t promise anymore than that yet.”

“You know I’m here for you,” Monica pleaded, desperately wanting to fix this, for Paul, for Alex, to alleviate her own guilt.

“Thank you for that,” Alex squeezed her hand tightly before she stood up, “I think I need a little time to think.”

Monica nodded her head sadly as she watched her friend depart, knowing that now all she could do was pray that something she’d said had made an impact.