CHAPTER 11

 Alex walked slowly down the hall to her bedroom and closed the door as soon as she was inside, leaning against it and letting her tears burst free. She wanted to believe every word that Monica had said, but right now it seemed that all she could believe was her own doubts. She had been pushing Paul away for almost a week. How was she supposed to suddenly open up to him now? How was she supposed to tell him all about the fears that she didn't even like to admit that she had?

She curled up on the bed and pulled the quilt up to her shoulders, using it as a convenient barrier against the world. Sniffling, she let out a long sigh as she thought about the fact that she had practically turned into another person since her fight with Paul and the bombing. She had never let anyone or anything push her down. She had always been the one to get in the last blow, to go out with her head up, even when her heart was aching. This time it was different. She hadn't just opened her heart to Paul, she had given it to him, and now she was petrified that if she said anything at all, he would just throw up his hands at the whole situation and give it back to her. But would that really be worse than living in fear?

Slowly she shook her head. Deep in her heart she knew that wouldn't happen. Paul did love her, and no matter what else was in their way she knew that was true. If he admitted that Lauren still held the biggest part of his heart then she would fight for it. She had never given up on anything in her life, and she wasn't about to start.

*****

“Angel? Are you all right?” Andrew opened the door slowly and saw that Monica was propped up in bed with her eyes closed.

“I’m fine,” she said softly.

“You don’t look fine. How did your talk with Alex go? I see the lunch she brought you and you haven’t touched it…”

“I guess it went as well as I could have hoped for. She just needs a little time to think things through.”

Andrew suddenly found the floor very fascinating.

“Andrew?” she instantly picked up on his body language and he reflected that he really needed to be less obvious about what he was thinking.

“She might not have that much time to think. I talked to Paul.”

“You did? And he’s going to talk to her?”

“I think so… but that isn’t all…”

“It isn’t?”

“No.” Andrew sat down on the edge of the bed. “I told him about what Alex said to you… about what she thinks… about what you’ve both been thinking.”

“You told him all that?” she looked at him incredulously.

“I’m sorry, baby, but I really think it’s what I had to do. He was just tearing himself up trying to think of some reason why she was still so upset, and I honestly don’t know if he ever would have come up with that one.”

Monica’s face held a trace of disappointment, but no resentment. “I… I guess I never told you not to tell him,”                             she said with a shrug.

Reaching forward, he took her hand in his gently. “I know you didn’t, but I still should have asked you. I didn’t mean to betray your confidence.”

He looked so repentant that Monica immediately shook her head and pulled him closer. She knew that he would never hurt her on purpose. It was the furthest thing from his mind.

“It’s all right. You were right to tell him. Maybe now that he’s armed with the facts about what she’s thinking it will give him the confidence to approach her about it.”

The relief washed over him in a palpable wave. Until that instant he hadn’t realized how nervous he was about telling her the details of his conversation with Paul.

“At least you should be happy to know that I was right about the way he feels about Alex, baby. The idea that she might think he compared her to Lauren had barely crossed his mind, and it couldn’t be further from the truth. He was practically frantic when I told him that’s what she thought.”

Monica let out a long sigh of relief. “I wanted you to be right,” she said with a grin.

*****

Paul wandered into the kitchen and was surprised to see that Andrew was the only one there. His puzzled expression obviously showed, because the angel motioned upwards with one hand as he took a sip of coffee.

“Alex went upstairs to bring Monica some lunch. I think she really just wanted to talk to her. Now she’s in your bedroom.”

Nodding, Paul sat down after pouring himself a cup of the strong liquid. “You talked to Monica? Do you know what she and Alex talked about?”

“Yes, I talked to Monica, but I didn’t ask about Alex. I know that Monica was as truthful as she knows how to be. She loves you both. The last thing she wants is for either one of you to be in pain.”

“Well, to hell with me,” Paul said with disgust. “They are the ones I’m concerned with.” He took a long drink and grimaced as he burnt his tongue. “I need to talk to both of them.”

Andrew watched Paul’s Adam’s apple bob nervously in his throat. “I guess you were paying attention to what I said?”

“Oh yeah. And you were right. As usual. I can’t just sit around waiting for this to fix itself. Alex is the one who’s hurting. That means I’m the one who has to break the ice, even if it means dodging a few punches.”

“I’m glad you’ve realized that.”

“Well I’d probably still be in there scribbling on that notepad if you hadn’t stopped in. Thanks,” Paul said gratefully.

“Well I’m a little bit like Monica that way… I don’t want either of you hurt any more than she does.”

“Thanks, buddy,” Paul said with a grin. “That’s good to know.”

Ten minutes passed and Paul was on his second cup of coffee, with his eyes going constantly to the hallway and the stairs. Andrew finally took pity on him.

“I told Monica that I’d talked to you,” he said. “I think she’d like to talk to you herself though.”

“You told her? I figured that was all top secret.”

“Well, that’s what I thought too, but I can’t keep things from her. I was worried that she would be upset with me, but that wasn’t a good enough excuse to not tell her about it, and thankfully she understood.”

“And you told her that it wasn’t true?”

“Yes. Well, I told her you didn’t compare Alex to Lauren. I figured that it was up to you to broach the subject about how you feel about her.”

Paul made a face, but he knew Andrew was right. He hadn’t meant for things to go so far, but they had, and now it was up to him to clean them up. He stood up and glanced at the stairs again and then back at the angel. “Wish me luck.”

The agent thought that he would take the stairs two at a time, but when he was actually faced with the prospect of confronting his wife and making her tell him about what he already knew was bothering her, he suddenly felt a bit less eager and a lot more hesitant. He walked up slowly and went to Monica’s room, half-expecting to find Alex there as well.

“Knock, knock,” he called out as he opened the door.

“Come in,” Monica replied, sounding only a bit sleepy.

The angel met his gaze for an instant before turning away and Paul was instantly discouraged. “I’m sorry, Monica. I thought Alex might be in here.”

“No… I think she’s in your bedroom.” The angel wasn’t sure if Alex had been given enough time to herself yet, and she decided to stall. “She looked a little worn out when she left. She might be taking a nap.”

Paul’s expression turned to one of slight disappointment. “Yeah… she hasn’t been sleeping very well lately,” he remarked.

“A lot’s happened,” Monica said sadly.

“Yeah… too much,” Paul agreed as he turned to leave the room and let Monica get some rest. He was about to close the door when he changed his mind and went back inside, crossing immediately to the angel’s bed and sitting down in the chair next to it.

“Paul?” Monica looked a little confused.

“Monica, I hadn’t planned to do this right now, but I think I need to.”

“Do what?” the angel was instantly nervous.

“Clear the air between us.”

“Paul… there’s nothing.”

“C’mon, Monica… angel’s aren’t supposed to lie… not even little white ones.” Monica let her gaze shift to her lap as the agent cut off her denial. “I can tell that something has been bothering you. It’s been bothering you ever since the bombing, and now I know what it is and I think we need to talk about it.”

Monica fell completely silent and she wasn’t even completely sure as to why, but in retrospect, deep in her heart she knew.  She accepted the fact that Paul had sent her up there that day to fix his mistakes with Alex and that was the reason she was hurt now.  Honestly, she wasn’t sorry things had turned out that way as if Paul hadn’t done that, Alex would have been left up there alone.  But this new information that Paul had known that something could happen was still settling in with her heart.

Alex aside, she had always looked to Paul as one of her protectors, though Andrew held the main role in that title.  Monica had always trusted that Paul would never lead her into anything bad and she had grown comfortable in his need to look out for her.  But last week, from what Alex had said, he had known that something could happen.  A lead.  Men he was suspicious of and regardless of his job, he had not warned her, had not warned Alex.  She was no longer sure she understood an agency that could keep such important secrets from people they were supposed to love.

Paul had been watching her closely and seeing that she had no intention of saying anything, he knew he had just better plunge ahead, “Andrew told me what Alex thinks and she’s wrong, Monica.  I have never once compared her to Lauren.  The thought never crossed my mind, I swear.  What I said that day was in anger and it held not one fraction of truth.  I love my wife, honey, with everything in me.”

“That’s good to know,” She whispered, still studying the quilt that covered her, “Perhaps you should share that bit of information with Alex.”

“I plan on it, but first I need to share a bit of information with you, Monica,” He desperately wished she would look at him but she seemed determined not to at the moment and he had no right to push her, “When I first met you in that police station that night Josh Kelly was killed, yes, my first thought was that you looked a lot like Lauren.  But after talking to you for five minutes, I forgot all about that and started to like the individual that you are.  I do not look at you and see Lauren.  Monica, I look at you like a kid sister and as my friend; a wonderful friend who has given me most of what I have that is good in my life,” He was ready to beg her to believe him, but her expression was becoming even more distressed and he couldn’t begin to understand why, “Do you believe me?”

“Of course I do,” Monica finally looked up at him, but the look in her eyes did little to calm him, nor did the words that followed, “You should be in with your wife, Paul.  Not here with me.”

He shook his head, as if trying to make his brain register on what he was missing in this conversation.  She said she believed him but yet she was still so distant, so sad, “Sweetheart, what is it?”

“Nothing…go fix things with Alex, Paul…”

He rose to his feet, suddenly feeling a bit shaky.  He felt as if he was hitting brick walls no matter which way he turned and his frustration was mounting, “You know, everyone is pissed off at me, I understand that.  But yet no one wants to level with me.  I have to find out from Andrew what is going with with my wife, with you and if you two won’t fill me in how the hell am I supposed to fix anything?”

She looked at him through tear filled eyes as she replied with hurt in her voice, “Some things you just can’t fix.”  Dozens of people were dead and he had known.  The thought refused to leave her mind or her heart.

“Damnit, Monica, you aren’t playing fair!”

The rise in his volume was enough to bring Andrew up the stairs, and a second later, Paul was facing those steely green eyes and seeing anger in them once again.  He was in no mood to get into a pissing match with the angel, so he simply shook his head and turned and walked out of the room.

Andrew looked over at his wife as she blinked and her tears spilled over.  He was at her side an instant later and had wrapped her up ever so gently in his arms.  Soft sobs were escaping her, each followed by a sharp intake of air at the pain each one caused her, “Shhh…baby, you need to calm down.  This isn’t good for you right now, angel,” He was desperate to know what had happened and though he was angry with Paul once more, a nagging feeling in his heart was telling him that the agent hadn’t said something to upset her.  He stroked her hair and her back, waiting for her to calm.

“I…I don’t understand…” Monica whispered finally, her voice still trembling, “Alex told me he knew…he knew something was going to happen, but he never told her.  He left her in there…he sent me up…all those people, Andrew…I saw Adam take some Home…”

Slowly, he began to piece together the situation as he held her a bit tighter.  He had a feeling part of this was just her residual fear from those hours of being inside the FBI building, but another part of it was something much more, “I don’t think he knew any specifics, angel.  His unit was tracking some suspicious activity but they didn’t have any firm evidence.”

“I guess he has that evidence now,” She countered, another small sob escaping, “I thought his job was to protect people, but he left his wife up there.  You wouldn’t have done that…even if you had been mad at me…you wouldn’t have done that.”

Though being “mad” at her was something he could barely imagine, he answerd honestly, “No, baby.  I wouldn’t have wanted you out of my sight.  But you have to look at things through Paul’s eyes as well.  He couldn’t alarm an entire city based on a suspicion.  Nothing could have happened just as easily as something happened.”

“Not an entire city, Andrew…Alex.  He could have told her…he could have stayed with her.  What good is honesty with each other if you can’t share the fact that lives could be in danger, especially with your wife who could also be in danger?” She was trying to wrap her mind around it, as she was still working out the dynamics of marriage for them.  But she understood that what she shared with Andrew was pure honesty; an honesty that went beyond anything she had ever known.  For better or for worse, she was willing to share everything with him and she knew the same was true for her husband.  So a secret, for any reason, that had cost lives, that had endangered Alex was completely foreign to her.

“I don’t know, Monica,” He answered truthfully.  He couldn’t blame her for being upset.  Hell, he had thrown Paul against a wall when he had found out.  He didn’t want to see her relationship with the agent suffer as if that happened, she would suffer as well, “Angel, you have to find it in your heart to forgive him for this.  If you can’t, then how can you expect Alex to?”

“Because he’s her husband,” She whispered with a small sigh, “I would forgive you anything, Andrew, anything at all.”

His heart skipped a beat at her words.  Even in a moment where her heart was so heavy and her body so weary, she found a way to touch him.  Tilting her chin, he kissed her lips softly, “I love you so incredibly much, Monica.  I’d of never thought it possible but with each new day, I love you even more.”

Nestling her head against him once more, she slipped her hand beneath his shirt, running her palm over his tight stomach, before stilling her movement and closing her eyes.  She loved of the feel of his skin against her touch, loved the warmth that was all he was, “I love you too…I’ve always loved you, Andrew.  You stole my heart long before I had ever realized it.  Will you stay with me?”

“Not going anywhere,” He assured her, around the tightness in his throat.  No, that was definitely true…no matter what they may face in their future together, she was his entire world, and he would always be there.