CHAPTER 12

As Paul walked down the hallway to his room he wondered if Alex had heard him. The last thing he needed was to have her upset at him before he even walked through the door. Thankfully, when he stepped into the room he saw her sitting in the window seat, lost in a world of her own. Her dark hair flowed down her back in a wave and he stopped dead in the doorway as he remembered a time when it had all been cut short. That had been before they’d even started dating but he’d already had feelings for her.

Now, looking at her he wondered how he had ever let an idiotic fight get between them and how he had never realized what she thought about Lauren. She was so strong and confident he had never even considered that she had any insecurities at all, much less ones revolving around a woman she had never known. He blamed himself. Back when they had been dating she had been very open about her past relationships but he had always shied away from the topic. Obviously it was something he should have put right out on the table.

“Alex?” he started off a bit hesitantly. “Baby, I think maybe we should sit down and have a little talk.”

She turned to him and tried to remember everything she had just talked to Monica about. She had to talk to him. She had to fight for him if that’s what it took. But when she looked up into his serious eyes she felt the knot in her stomach grow tighter.

“I’m kind of tired,” she tried to beg off. “Maybe later?”

“Maybe right now,” he insisted as he reached for her hand and sat down on the other end of the window seat. “You’ve always had nerves of steel, but I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take looking at you and feeling like you’re not even seeing me and sleeping next to you and feeling like we’re not even in the same room.”

“Paul…”

“No. Don’t pull away from me like that. I know you’re upset. I know you’re angry. So let’s get it out. Scream your guts out at me. I probably deserve every word.” What he really wanted to do was pull her close and make her forget that she had ever doubted how much or how deeply he loved her, but he wanted her to be the one to start things off. He didn’t want to admit that it had taken two angels to point him in the right direction.

Alex let out a long, tired sigh and shook her head as she pulled her hand back and buried it under the blanket that covered her legs. “You knew about the terrorists, Paul. You knew and you didn’t tell me. Maybe that’s just part of the job to you, but it’s gonna take me a little longer to get over it.” She knew she was going the easy way by acting as if that was why she was still acting so distant, but she felt like she needed to work her way up to the real problem.

“I know. I know, and you’re right. I swear I had no idea that anything was on the horizon, but I should have told you anyway, and I shouldn’t have left you like I did.” Now that he knew the truth, Paul was having a hard time not blurting out answers to accusations she hadn’t even made. If this was the way she wanted to play it then he would go along with it for now.

“Our fight…” she paused and they both looked at each other.

“Alex, I didn’t mean what I said. I was worried about you. I overreacted and I said things that I can’t even believe now.”

Giving a shrug she looked away. This was much harder than she thought it would be. She thought she would be able to just yell at him and get angry, but instead all she felt was sad.

“You believe me, don’t you? Or is there something else?” he prodded gently.

“No,” she mentally slapped herself for her own cowardice. “Nothing else.”

Mouth set in a line he reached forward and turned her head towards him. “Then why won’t you look at me?”

“I told you. It’s just going to take some time.”

“Time? How much time? How much do I have to beg for your forgiveness? I’ll do it, but I’d like to have some sort of estimate to go by.” There was bitterness to his words that he immediately regretted but he was having a hard time not forcing her to come clean to him.

“I don’t know, okay?” she shot back. “If it’s that hard for you to wait then maybe you should go out and find another replacement!”

“Alex, what the fuck are you talking about?” and at that moment, seeing the look on her face; even though he already knew what she was thinking it still struck him like a blow to the gut. Everything Andrew and Monica had said was the truth. Alex really did feel second best.

“Exactly what I said. I don’t say things I don’t mean, and I know you don’t either.” She bit the inside of her cheek to keep her hot tears in check. This was no time for crying. She was supposed to be discussing this rationally and instead she was almost shouting at him.

“You’re talking about our fight, but Alex…”

“No! You said I wasn’t a good wife to you,, and you meant it. Somewhere in your heart you meant it.”

“That may be what you heard but I never said that. I never even thought it.”

“So you never look at me and wish I was someone else? You never roll over in bed and open your eyes hoping to see her?” She stood up and walked away. She needed distance. She couldn’t let him see her face.

“Who? Who do you think I’m comparing you to? Go on! Say it!” Paul couldn’t understand why his words were coming out so harshly. Maybe it was the stress and the frustration, or maybe it was resentment over having his love doubted.

“You know damn well who! At least with Monica you had her look-alike. I can’t even offer you that!”

“Lauren! Her name was Lauren, and you’re right. You can’t!” Paul was on his feet and wheeling her around to face him. “And I never asked you to! Where is this coming from? Why can’t you believe that I love you?”

She let out a little sob and brushed at her eyes. “I can believe it… I just can’t believe that you love me as much as I love you. And I want you to. I want to make you love me… I want to fight for that… I thought that I could… but right now, I just don’t feel strong enough to fight anything… much less a ghost.”

She broke free and quickly fled from the room, leaving Paul standing there with his arms still outstretched. He wanted to run after her, but his strength suddenly seemed to abandon him as well.

Alex’s feet had just hit the last step when the doorbell rang and she cursed under her breath.  She was in no mood for visitors.  Not that it would be anyone from her unit as they were all dead.  The bitter thought took her by surprise, but she wiped at her eyes once more, the action causing her mask to fall into place before she opened the door.

“Rob,” She was surprised to see him there, but judging by the look on his face, she could tell this wasn’t a social call.  He had been to see her several times in the hospital and twice since she had been home and he had been cheerful and optimistic.  But his eyes alone told her that this was a business call.

“Hi Lexie,” He replied as she moved aside to allow him to enter.  Dropping a kiss on her cheek, he continued, “How are you feeling?”

Depressed, hopeless and miserable were the words she wanted to say.  She wanted to fall into his arms and tell him that her marriage was going to hell, but instead she smiled, “Much better actually, but I’m getting the feeling that you didn’t come the whole way out here to inquire about my health.”

“I wish I had,” Rob sighed softly, but he decided to cut right to the chase, “We got a lead at the Post today.  We found out that the FBI had information regarding the attacks before they happened.”

Alex paled slightly at his words.  What he had said meant nothing short of the agency having itself splattered all over the front page by morning.  The FBI and the CIA had already captured that spot in the last week, with the great loss of life that had occurred that day, but this would cast them in an entirely different light.  People had lost loved ones and an agency that could have possibly prevented it would be the scapegoat for all that grief and anger. 

“Tell me my source is wrong, Alex,” He was looking at her pleadingly.  This was his job, but this time he would rather it not be.  His sister and brother in law had already been victims in the terrorist attacks and he didn’t want them victimized any further.

She wanted to lie and deny all knowledge.  As upset as she was with Paul, she didn’t want his unit taking the brunt of all this as it would be difficult to recover from.  Her husband was chief and she didn’t want him taking the blame or any repercussions that could come with it, “Yeah, the agency had some information.  Nothing solid and nothing that would have led us to believe that something of this magnitude could have happened, Rob.  We were watching some men, that was all.”

Rob lowered his head on a sigh, “But those men killed a few hundred people, Lex, you know that…”

“Of course I know that,” She replied shakily.  She couldn’t do this right now.  She felt as if her entire life was falling apart.  Her friends and collegues were dead, her husband was still in love with his dead fiancee and now the agency she worked for and believed in would soon be part of the biggest scandal since Watergate.  This was by far the worst moment of her life thus far, making all those failed relationships in college look like a fucking picnic.  Even when Devin Jackson had poisoned her she hadn’t felt this bad.  At least then she had believed that Paul loved her and if she lived, she would soon be entering into “happily ever after”.  Now she knew that was just a farce.

By now, Rob was pacing in the foyer, his expression desperate, “What the hell am I supposed to do, Alex?”

“What you always do, Rob,” She said softly, pain flickering in her ice blue eyes, “Print the truth.  Tell them the FBI knew that there was a risk.  Tell them we knew.”

“No,” Paul’s strong voice caused them both to look up as he came down the stairs.  He looked at his wife briefly, the fact that she had been trying to protect him had caused some hope to sprout in his heart, but he couldn’t think about that as much as he wanted to right now, “There is no ‘we’, Rob.  My unit knew and we were the only ones who did.”

“Damn it, Paul!” The younger man exploded, running a hand through his chestnut hair, “Do you realize the position this puts me in?”

“It puts you in the position to tell the truth,” Paul replied calmly, “Come on in and sit down.  Now that you have the lead, let me tell you exactly what it was we had.”

“There’s no need to mention names,” Alex protested weakly, her heart breaking.

“Yes, there is,” He replied sternly, “The families of the victims don’t deserve any doubt about whether or not their loved ones knew anything.”

Rob had already made his way into the living room and Alex dropped her voice, “Do you know what this could do to your career?”

His eyes blazed briefly as he looked at her, “Of course I do, but I don’t give a fuck about my career.  What I give a fuck about is my marriage-.”

“What are you insinuating?” Her eyes burned with tears, “First you cared so much you gave up Witness Protection and now this?  All the while I look like the bitch who volunteers for dangerous assignments to you. 

Are you playing the noble martyr once more?”

He threw up his hands in frustration, “This has nothing to do with that and you know it.  There is no pleasing you right now!  You want to talk to me about suffering in silence while you and Monica wrote the fucking book on it!  Everyone wants to be pissed off at me, but no one wants to clue me in on anything they are pissed off about!  You know what it is you are so mad at me about, but you run away when the topic is broached.  Fine, you do that, but don’t interfere when I try to do that right thing, which by the way, has nothing to do with making you look bad!”

Deep in his heart, Paul knew she was twisting everything and for no other reason than to avoid what was really and truly hurting her.  She had always hated vulnerability in herself, but she had lowered her defenses as they had dated to the point that they had vanished completely since they had been married.  But now she was hurt and even as misguided as she was, she was fighting to keep from appearing as vulnerable as she felt at the moment.

When she didn’t reply, he continued more calmly, “I need to go and talk to your brother,” With that, he turned and joined Rob down the hall in the living room.

Tears blurred Alex’s vision as she turned and bolted back up the steps, nearly colliding with Andrew, who had undoubtedly heard at least part of their argument, but she brushed past him and hurried to her room, closing the door behind her.

She didn’t even know what she was thinking anymore, so how the hell could she ever explain it?

*****

Monica slowly and painfully managed to pull her robe around her, though the effort nearly stole her breath.She had heard the low and angry voices coming from downstairs as sleep had been escaping her and when Andrew had left to go downstairs, she had forced herself to get out of bed.  She had heard Alex come upstairs and had heard the bedroom door shut and as under the weather as she still felt, she was not about to leave her friend alone right now.

She walked slowly to the door and opened it, feeling a trace of guilt for the way she had treated Paul earlier and as she leaned up against the door to catch her breath once more, she whispered aloud, “Father, I know I have no right to withhold forgiveness, and I won’t.  Just please…please stop this ache in my heart at not feeling like I trust him the way I used to.”

She knocked softly on Alex’s door before she opened it.  Her friend was sitting on the bed and she looked up, startled, as she wiped at the tears on her face, “What are you doing out of bed?” Ignoring her own feelings of depair, she rose to her feet to help the little angel to the bed so she could sit down.

“I heard you and Paul arguing and thought maybe you could use a shoulder…” Monica offered hopefully.  The last thing she wanted was for Alex to close herself off from everyone as the angel knew all too well what a lonely place that could be.

“I don’t even know what I’m saying to him anymore,” Alex said very softly. “I really wanted to talk to him… just talk… tell him everything… but it all came out wrong. Then I tried to protect him and he didn’t want anything to do with that. He’s angry now… I know he is… and it’s hard for me to blame him.”

“Alex, you’re just as upset as he is, and I don’t think he’s angry. Maybe frustrated, but not angry.”

“What’s happening to us?” Alex looked up with tears in her eyes and the expression of hopelessness tore at Monica’s soul. “I thought this was it… that we were forever… and now stuff I pushed away a long time ago is all coming back to haunt us.”

Monica stiffly reached out to touch Alex’s arm. “Maybe that’s why. The truth can never really be hidden forever. It wants to be told. Even the hard truths. Even the truths about yourself that you don’t want to admit.”

“But I’m afraid.” The words were said very slowly and very softly. It was a sentence that the woman rarely said.

“It’s all right to be afraid. It’s better to deal with that fear head on then try to pretend it doesn’t exist. That’s what you’ve been doing. You’ve pushed and pushed yourself to be the perfect, self-assured, confident, competent woman, and that’s wonderful.”

“But it’s made me even more scared about showing any kind of flaw… any chink in the armor,” Alex finished the angel’s thought. “I don’t want Paul to know what a baby I am,” she sniffled. “I’m just so confused right now… about everything.”

“I know you are, but give it time, Alex. Just keep remembering how much he loves you. He does love you,” Monica assured her, completely confident of that fact.

“He’s downstairs right now, throwing his career away because he wouldn’t let me cover for him,” she said hesitantly.

“He’s doing what he thinks is right, and he doesn’t think it’s right to let you share any of his blame. I know how guilty he’s feeling about everything right now.” She hung her head a little, and bit her lip thinking about the fact that she hadn’t exactly lessened his guilt any with her attitude towards him.

“I really do think that he believed we were safe,” Alex said after a long pause. “I have to believe that.”

Monica felt a certain conviction fill her heart, and it swept away her doubts about Paul’s motivation if not his actions. “I believe that too, Alex. Let him prove it to you. Show him everything you’re feeling and then let him help you turn those feelings around.”

Alex squeezed Monica’s hand and looked at her gratefully. “I’m so glad you’re here. I look at you and I see that maybe showing a little vulnerability isn’t all bad. You let Andrew help you, and I can see that does you both good.”

“Well I didn’t used to like leaning on him. I thought I did it too much, but sometimes being leaned on and feeling needed is a wonderful thing. Andrew only had to tell me that a few dozen times before I believed it,” Monica said with a little grin. Her words, however, hid the way she was feeling physically. Her chest felt tight and she struggled to keep her smile in place.

“I guess I see what you mean, and hopefully it won’t take as long for me,” Alex laughed. She patted the angel’s hand and then looked at her with concern. “Are you all right? You look a little pale all of a sudden.” She cocked her head to meet Monica’s gaze.

“Just a little winded. You were probably right about me being out of bed. Maybe you could help me back to my room?”

“Why don’t you just stay put and I’ll go get Andrew.”

“Alex, please? He’s had enough worry as it is…”

“What did you just tell me about leaning on him?”

The little angel relaxed back onto the pillows with a wry grin and a look of defeat on her face. Alex stood up and turned to leave the room, and Monica closed her eyes, praying for the pain that was stealing her breath to stop.