CHAPTER 9

“So what do we have on these bastards?” Alex asked once Paul had helped her get situated in bed upon returning to the townhouse.  As much as she had wanted to be able to get herself settled into their bed, the pain had gotten the better of her and she had been forced to allow him to help her.

“I don’t want to talk about that right now, baby,” Paul sat down next to her and tried to meet her eyes, but she seemed to have gotten rather inept at avoiding his gaze.  However, he refused to be detered, “I want to talk about what happened between us before the building was bombed.”

Her heart felt like it might pound out of her chest, but she forced herself to remain calm.  At the very least, maybe she could steer the conversation the way she wanted it to go, “I should have talked to you first before I volunteered, but you’ve never required that from me before and I know you don’t think I still have things to prove, but as a woman in a man’s profession, I think I do.”

Though this was not exactly the part of the situation he wanted to confront first, he was just thankful she was talking at all, “You know that I work very hard to not stand in your way where your job is concerned and the reason I have to work at it is because I love you.  The thought of anything happening to you, Alex…” He shook his head, unable to fathom the thought, “I couldn’t bear it, sweetheart.  It’s something I would never get over.”

She felt tears creeping into her eyes.  She should be completely touched by his words, but instead they were solidifying what she already knew to be true.  He had never gotten over Lauren.  He never would, but she would play along for the sake of not having that discussion, “I should have thought about that.  Monica made me see that.  Apparently there are things she has already figured out after a month of marriage that I haven’t after almost a year.”

“Well, being heavenly creatures and all may have something to do with the way they handle each other that often escapes us lowly humans,” He teased gently, managing to get the tiniest of smiles out of her before his expression turned serious once more, “I never should have reacted the way I did, baby.  You know my big mouth often gets the better of me mostly due to my distaste of confrontation, especially with those I love.”

She managed a nod and sensing he had more to say, she searched for an escape, “Paul, I’m really feeling a bit tired…”

His eyes widened in concern, “Are you feeling all right?  Any pains in your chest?  Trouble breathing?”

“No, nothing like that.  Just tired.” At least that much was the truth. She felt tired right down to her soul and though her broken ribs were aching, her broken heart felt much worse.

Paul suppressed a sigh.  He had so much more he wanted to tell her, but he had to put her health first and her doctor had been explicit in his orders for her to rest.  Fishing in his jacket pocket, he pulled out the pain killers they had picked up at the pharmacy on the way home and handed one to her before passing her the glass of water he had brought upstairs, “Then rest, honey. We have plenty of time to talk.”

Alex took the pill quickly and moved slowly and agonizingly to a better position, “Thanks.”  She nearly panicked when he moved to kiss her, but her body melted into his loving kiss, even as her heart ached even more.

“You’re my world, Alex Gatlin, and don’t you ever forget it,” He whispered to her, “Now sleep.”

She closed her eyes quickly to hide the tears.  Maybe she was his world, but only by default.

*****

By the following afternoon, Monica was determined, but was fairly certain she was dying.  She had known her doctor would sooner or later issue the order for her to do some walking, but the angel had been in no hurry to hear that request.  But now, with Andrew’s arm around her waist, she was venturing the first painful steps out of bed, each one pulling on the stitches in her stomach and causing her body to tremble slightly.

She had slept all evening, through the night and into the morning in her husband’s arms and she knew it was the best sleep she’d had since leaving the cottage.  Feeling his warm body next to her did more than any pain killer ever could and when she had awoken, she had felt refreshed and remarkably better.  Andrew had even commented on her getting some of her color back and she had felt ready to conquer the world once more until she had been asked to conquer a simple walk down the hall.

Andrew watched worriedly as she pressed her lips tightly together, her steps slow and small.  She uttered not a sound, but he could feel her trembling against the pain, “Angel, if you can’t go any further…”

“No, it’s okay.  I can,” She was fighting to hold onto her determination but she had been surprised to find herself so weak.

He allowed her a few more steps down the hall and he felt her falter slightly, “Monica, you have nothing to prove to anyone,” He chided her gently as he stopped walking, bringing her IV pole to an abrupt halt.

Monica managed to catch her breath, despite the fact that her ribs seemed determined to steal it, “I know, but I’d like to be discharged..at least, I think I would,” Being released meant facing Paul and despite her talk with Andrew last night, there were still doubts lingering in her mind.  But she had never enjoyed being a patient and she was sure that the only individual she needed looking after her was her husband.

He gave a small shake of his head at her eternal stubborn streak.  She’d get discharged if she had to crawl out of here, of that he was certain, “Come on.  Let’s turn around and head back.  You did very well for a first time out but I don’t want you to overdo it and I doubt your doctor does either.”

She gave a tired nod as they turned around to return to her room, feeling a dash of bitter disappointment at how close they were.  She felt as if she had walked miles. As Andrew led her to her bed, she shook her head, “The chair, please?  Just for a bit.”

He relented and helped to ease her down into it, watching her flinch and bite back a whimper, but once she was settled, she seemed fairly comfortable.  Kneeling in front of her, he rested his hands on her legs,“You okay?”

Monica smiled, seeing his blatant concern for her and she rested a hand against his cheek, “Yes.  You worry too much.”

“There is no one I’d rather worry about, sweetheart,” He replied and seeing as she had caught her breath once more, he moved his hand to her face and kissed her tenderly several times.

Her dark eyes were shining with happiness, temporarily forgetting the things that were troubling her, “This really isn’t fair.”  He raised his eyebrows in question and she felt herself blushing as she struggled to explain, “I…miss…I’d like to…I want to BE with you,” She finally managed to say, lowering her eyes shyly, “But I think that may take awhile.”

He chuckled softly, “You and me both, angel, but I suppose you will be learning a bit of patience after all.”

She looked slightly sheepish as she said, “You and me both, I think!”

Patting her knee, he leaned forward and kissed her cheek. “Don’t worry about me. Remember, I’ve told you before, I could go the rest of my existence and be happy just to hold you.”

The little angel cocked her head and narrowed her eyes playfully. “That was before our wedding night. I think you might feel a little differently now.”

He seemed to take her words to heart as he replied slowly, “All right. You may be right about that.”

A sly smile crossed her face and Andrew laughed. Lifting her hand to his lips he kissed it gently and his expression turned serious. “I’m not going to say that I won’t miss making love to you, Monica, but I don’t think you can imagine how scared I was yesterday. Just holding your hand is a gift to me right now.”

“You know that God was with me,” she said, trying to reassure him when she noticed that there was still a tiny hint of fear in his eyes.

“Yes, but that didn’t make me worry any less. I can’t stand to see you hurt and in pain, baby, and yesterday nothing I did could take away that pain. Your last words to me up in that building were ‘I love you’ and I was so upset I couldn’t even reply to tell you the same thing and give you that to hold onto.”

Her hand on his cheek was soft and warm and he tilted his face to kiss her palm. “You didn’t have to say a word, Andrew. Remember?” She grabbed his hand and pressed it to her chest. “It’s all right in here. Everything that you feel. I carry it with me every second of every day. I admit that this isn’t exactly how I imagined our reunion,” she continued with a sad smile. “I just don’t know what else I could have done differently.”

“Of course not, Monica. You did everything right. It wasn’t your fault that you were in that building.” His voice had a slightly harsh quality to it and the little angel looked at him questioningly.

“Paul?” She had noticed the distance he had placed between himself and the agent but hadn’t thought anything of it until now.

“He sent you up there, Monica, and he left Alex up there,” he replied, his face grim.

“He had no idea anything like that was going to happen to us. He was just upset. He didn’t know what to do about Alex.”

Andrew chose to sidestep the fact that Paul had, in fact, been given information about what might happen. “He didn’t know what to do so he let you go up there to fix it for him, taking advantage of the fact that you would do just about anything for the two of them.”

Monica started to bite her lip and Andrew felt immediately guilty. She had enough to think about without him adding to her worries. He quickly leaned forward and kissed her lightly.

“Nevermind about that. You know I can get overprotective when it comes to you. Don’t listen to me.”

“You’re right, though. I love them, and I knew there was something wrong, and I wanted to help.” She gave a little shrug. “I’m still glad I went in there… If I hadn’t… Alex might not…”

He kissed her again and cut off her words. “And that is another reason why I love you, Monica, and it’s another thing that makes you a wonderful angel.”

She smiled at him and it went straight to his heart. “Well you aren’t half bad yourself.”

*****

Alex was asleep, or at least she was pretending to be asleep, and Paul was hesitant to disturb her so he was containing his restlessness to the first floor. He had stopped pacing after the little herd of cats tripped him for the third time, and instead was sitting on the sofa in the study, trying to concentrate on an email Walter had forwarded to him. He looked up with a slight grin when Lucy hopped up beside him. Her appearance was a sure sign that Monica and Andrew would be coming eventually as well.

Ten minutes later, the phone rang and he jumped up to get it before it rang again. Lucy was miffed at the sudden absence of her pillow and jumped down to find her brothers and sisters. “Hello?”

“Hello, Paul. It’s Walt. You get my email?”

“Yeah,” he replied with a trace of the frustration he was feeling. “I think we both know that we’ll never be able to get the people who really planned this whole thing.”

“I’m sorry, Paul. I know this is even more personal for you. The best we can hope for is that the troops overseas round up at least some of them.”

“Don’t be sorry, and don’t pretend this isn’t damn personal for you too. How many…” he hated to even ask. He knew that all of the members of his own unit had escaped with only minor injuries, but reports on other casualties had varied widely.

“Seventy-four missing or confirmed dead from our building. The CIA got hit even harder. They have one hundred and sixteen missing, presumed dead.”

“Jesus…” Paul muttered under his breath before catching himself. “Is there anything I can do? Anything?”

“I wish I could say yes, but frankly you’re better off at home. They aren’t going to let us back into the remains of the building for at least another two weeks and as of now I’m declaring that all but the most high profile cases be shelved for the moment. Take care of Alex. That’s the best thing you can do right now.”

“Yeah… I’m trying,” Paul said, then quickly covered with, “you know how independent and stubborn she can be.”

“Oh yes. Part of the reason I like her.” Paul could almost hear the other man smiling.

“Her unit… was anyone…”

“There were only five survivors above the tenth floor, Paul. She was one of them.”

Nothing else needed to be said. The enormity of his statement sat like a rock in the bottom of Paul’s chest. Friends. Co-workers. They were all gone. “Well… I’m gonna let you go, Walt. I know you probably have a lot more calls to make.”

“Unfortunately, I do. I’ll be in touch, Paul.”

“Thanks. Take care of yourself.”

“I’ll try.”

Paul hung up the phone feeling even more discouraged than he had before. Such a waste. The whole thing was such a waste. He couldn’t fathom what could drive a person to kill so wantonly and so randomly, and yet there had been at least six people involved. Three bombers per building. It made his stomach clench when he tried to contemplate that much hate and misunderstanding. He fell back onto the sofa and once again, Lucy joined him, butting her head against him, and urging him out of his dark thoughts. Unfortunately, not thinking about the bombers just meant that he had to return to thinking about Alex and the fact that what had felt like just a stupid, but admittedly bad, argument had clearly meant much more to her. Maybe when the two angels came it would snap her out of it, or at least make her more willing to tell him what was really bothering her.

Almost as soon as his thoughts wandered in that direction he slapped his forehead and leaned his elbows on his knees. Trying to get someone else to fix his mistakes was part of what had gotten him into trouble in the first place! Obviously he still had a lot to learn.

Drawing in a deep breath, he stood up and walked to the stairs, deciding it was time to check on her and placing hope against hope that maybe she would open up to him. Paul found her sitting up in bed and one look at her told him that she was in pain. Her breathes were short and shallow, and he surmised she was trying to alleviate the shooting pains that breathing was causing her broken ribs. What disturbed him even more was that she was staring vacantly out the window, her eyes glassy with unshed tears.

“Alex, why didn’t you take another pill?” He chastised gently as he reached for the small bottle and tilted one into his hand.

She gave a small shrug as she accepted it from him along with the glass of water and took the pill, “What were you doing?” Her voice was soft and it sounded like she was trying to force herself to have a conversation with him.

“Talking to Walt,” He replied, hoping she wouldn’t question too many things regarding the explosion. He wasn’t sure she could carry the weight of hearing about how many had died, but he should have known better. In pain or not, she wanted to know everything.

She swallowed hard against her fear, “My team…are they…are they okay?”

Paul lowered his eyes for a moment before he reached for her hand, hating how limp it felt in his own, “Baby…most of the people on your floor and above…sweetie, they didn’t make it out.”

Her blue eyes welled up with tears as she finally looked at him and he felt her hand tighten around his, “No one?”

“Five, Alex…five people made it out other than you,” His words were soft and he watched in agony as she struggled to hold back her tears, but a moment later, her eyes closed and she surrendered to them.

“Oh God…oh God,” She uttered weakly, bringing her hands to her face. She had been sitting here thinking about how much she physically hurt, but at least she was alive. That was more than she could say of those she worked with, “Who? Do you know who?” But he was already shaking his head sadly, “MaryAnn just had a baby…and Jim…he was getting married next month…Stephen has three little girls…how? How could this have happened?”

“Alex, baby, don’t do this,” He felt emotion rising to his throat. It was hard enough to see her in pain, but this loss was so great for her. He took a chance and moved up beside her, wrapping his arm around her trembling shoulders, thankful when she didn’t resist, “I’m so sorry, sweetheart,” He whispered, kissing the top of her head, “I feel terrible, but a part of me is just so damn thankful that you’re here. I couldn’t lose you, Alex. I love you so much.”

Her grief and physical pain were nearly consuming her as she shook her head, “Not…as much as you’re supposed to…not as much as I love you…”

“Alex. What?” He could hardly fathom what she had just said, “How can you say that? Was it what I said the other day? Baby, I was angry…you know how my mouth gets ahead of me sometimes. I never meant-.”

“Yes…yes, you did…you can’t help how you feel and I suppose I should be thankful you aren’t lying to me anymore,” She started to pull away, the sobs still shaking her and causing searing pain with each one.

“I have never lied to you!” He was pleading and refusing to release her,”Alex, I love you completely. You are the single most important person in my life.”

“Only by the process of elimination…” The words were but a whisper and Paul was certain he had misunderstood, but she was shaking her head before he could even ask, “Just go, please? I’d really like to be alone. Talking about this…hurts too much.”

Paul finally released his hold on her, though he wasn’t sure if that was the right or wrong thing to do, “Baby, I can’t fix this unless you level with me. What I said that day…I’m sorry. I was sorry the moment I said it because I didn’t mean it!” She had turned her head away and was staring out the window once more as her tears continued to fall and he felt frustration forming in his heart, “I have fucked everything up so badly. With you, with Monica, with Andrew, with knowing these son of a bitches might try something. I-.”

“You knew something was going to happen?” Her distress felt like more than she could ever bear as she turned eyes filled with disbelief and betrayal to him, “All those people dead and you fucking knew something?”

“We had nothing solid, Alex. We were tracking some guys, but so far we had nothing,” He lowered his head. At the very least, he was thankful that the truth was out as he wasn’t sure if he could have carried the guilt inside much longer. Though Alex knew it was FBI protocol to not share cases, he knew that this one would hit hard.

“So I guess the fucking building exploding was solid enough for you, is that it?” She snapped at him, before biting her lip and turning away. In her heart she knew he had done exactly what was expected of him, but the fact that nearly her entire unit had been killed and that she and Monica had been hurt suddenly was much higher on her priority list. Her head was pounding and her heart hurt nearly as much, “I really need for you to leave right now. I can’t do this…I can’t even look at you right now.”

What she wanted was to fall into his arms and plead with him to tell her none of it was true. That he hadn’t known, that he really did love her completely and didn’t compare her to Lauren, that his friendship with Monica hadn’t served as a constant reminder of what he had lost and what he had settled for. But she couldn’t do any of those things. Alex glanced over at him and saw the tears glistening in his eyes and another sob escaped her, “Please, Paul,” She whispered, loving him so much it hurt, “I just need a little time.”

He cleared his throat and blinked back the moisture in his eyes as he gave a small nod, “Whatever you need, Alex,” He rose to his feet and started for the door, but turned back before he left the room, “I know it doesn’t mean a damn thing to you right now and that it won’t fix anything, but I’m sorry,” His voice was thick with emotion, “I’ve asked God to please let me take it all back, but I don’t think He’s going to allow that, so I’m left with not being sure of what to do.”

She looked back at the door as he left her alone, wanting to feel angry, but all she felt was a sadness so heavy she wasn’t sure of how she was still breathing.

*****

“All set?” Andrew asked with a smile as he looked at his wife, who was now sitting in the chair near her hospital bed. Monica had continued to improve over the course of the last few days and she had finally been given her discharge papers. She was still moving rather slowly and she had required his assistance with getting dressed, but now a tired smile was on her face.

“All set,” She confirmed, eyeing the wheelchair that was in the corner of the room. She knew that hospital regulations require that she be wheeled out of here, but she still wished she would be permitted to walk instead. Though she was already tired just from getting ready, she was also convinced that only exercise would continue to allow her improve.

“Don’t even think about it, angel,” He chuckled, knowing her well enough to know exactly what she was pondering, “Until we reach our taxi here, that it your chariot and I’m not tolerating an argument.”

Monica gave a tiny sigh before putting on her best pouting face, which only caused him to laugh once more before he bent down to kiss her softly but her hand on his cheek caused things to move to a much more heated place. When their lips parted, he was breathless and looking at her in a way that was part amusement, part chastising.

“Don’t give me that look,” She quipped with a grin, “Kissing you is all I’m going to get for awhile and my doctor didn’t place any stipulations on that, so get over it.”

Andrew burst out laughing as he shook his head and kissed her forehead, “Oh how I do love you, Monica. And no, as far as kissing goes, you’ll get no argument from me.”