CHAPTER 12

Andrew knew that the cab driver was taking the long way around the city on the drive back to the townhouse, but he didn’t even care. It gave him more time to think about what he was going to say to his wife. Unfortunately nothing that he thought of sounded very good, even in his head. Nothing could erase the truth, and the truth was that Monica was right. He hadn’t trusted her. He had felt that she was simply too emotionally involved. She had spent months being wary of people and he had assumed she was simply overcompensating. How could he spin that so that he didn’t seem like a lousy husband? The answer was simple. He couldn’t.

When he opened the front door he first thing he noticed was the sound of the television coming from the study. He shrugged out of his coat and headed towards the sound.

"Monica?"

"I’m in here," came the familiar soft voice.

He entered the study and saw her sitting on the sofa in the dark with only the light from the television washing over her. It only took a moment to see that she was watching the local news. He tentatively sat down on the other end of the sofa and waited for her to turn the sound down.

"Where are Paul and Alex?" she asked, not exactly the first words he was hoping for.

"Still working."

She nodded and turned towards him. "What have they found so far? The news people aren’t really saying anything."

He took a breath. "Mainly they’re finding things that don’t make a whole lot of sense."

Monica looked back at the television. "They think I’m right now," she said flatly.

He wanted to reach out and take her hand but he didn’t dare. "They think you could be. They aren’t sure how it all fits together."

"And what about you?" she kept her eyes trained on the flickering screen.

"I think you’re right too."

"But you had to have more proof to believe it. My word wasn’t good enough."

"Baby… I’m sorry… You’re right. At that moment, it wasn’t enough for me. Maybe it should have been… I know it should have been…"

"You said you trusted me. Was that a lie?" Her eyes met his and there were tears in them that she refused to release.

"No! Monica, I trust you. I do. But this time… I’m sorry, but it felt like you were just trying to prove that you were right despite all the evidence."

Her eyebrows crinkled together and she looked at him incredulously. "Have I ever done that before?"

Reaching out he gently touched her cheek. "Angel, you did it just a few days ago. You said you were scared but you still got into a car with Shawn."

"But I told you… I wasn’t really scared of him…"

"You forced yourself to trust him, despite what you were feeling and I thought that today you were doing the same thing. I was wrong. I should have been able to see how sure you were. I don’t have any excuses, Monica. All I can say is that I promise to do better."

He was almost shocked when she just blinked at him and turned her head away. "Monica? Please… say something…"

"I’m not sure what to say," she replied quietly. "You already know I forgive you, but it still hurts." She laughed ruefully. "I guess admitting all my feelings isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. I think I liked it better when I just buried them."

The room suddenly felt much smaller and Andrew felt sick. "Monica…"

She stood up abruptly and his hand fell away. "Can we not talk about it anymore right now? Please? Let’s just go make a late dinner or something. Paul and Alex are bound to be hungry when they get back."

He wanted to pull her back down. He wanted to force her to talk about it. He wanted to do anything to make her look at him without the trace of pain in her eyes. But, "Sure, angel. Whatever you want," he said, and then he shut off the television as he followed her out of the room.

*****

"You can’t have it both ways, Andrew. You can’t just trust me when it seems believable for you to do so, or when it is easy for you."

The sound of Monica’s slightly angry voice was the first thing Paul and Alex heard upon entering and the two agents immediately exchanged a glance.

"Do you think I have awoken a monster?" Alex asked sheepishly in a hushed whisper.

"Highly possible," Paul muttered, as he hung up his coat and then helped her with hers. He could just make out Andrew’s attempt at a calm, cool voice of reason, but it appeared the little angel wasn’t buying into it.

"Answer me one question," Monica sounded as if she were trying to calm herself down slightly, though her next words caused the Gatlins to flinch, "Had William Grady not come along, would you have believed me today?"

"Angel, one thing has nothing to do with the other…"

"No! They have everything to do with each other. A year ago, you would never have questioned me. A year ago you would have trusted me. You’re the one who told me not to allow Grady to take more from me then he did, but you allowed him to take your trust in me. You think I’m too emotionally involved, that I’m still too damaged to be seeing things clearly."

"Monica, you can’t have it both ways either," Andrew sounded defeated and Paul felt a wave of fellow male sympathy for his friend. Arguing with a pissed off, hurt wife was not enjoyable recreation. He knew from experience, "You can’t one day tell me you are forcing yourself to trust someone when you are really deep down still afraid and the next day get angry because I don’t trust the same man. And the remark about you being too damaged is so far off base it is not even worth my replying to."

"So," Alex mused in a whisper, "Do we run away or intervene?"

"Intervene," Paul replied firmly, taking her hand, "This is uncharted territory for them and it’s getting uglier by the minute."

Andrew looked up with relief evident on his face when their friends walked into the kitchen, even as he forced a smile, "Hey, you two."

"Something smells good and God knows I’m always hungry these days," Alex grinned, not missing the look on Andrew’s face, nor the flushed cheeks of the Irish angel.

"It’s actually just about ready," He replied, casting a glance at his wife that she refused to meet.

"Though strangely, I’ve lost my appetite," Monica mumbled, before she turned away and left the room heading for the stairs.

As soon as she had departed, Andrew sank into the closest chair and buried his face in his hands for a moment, before running them up over his hair, "What a fucking mess," He stated at last, "I don’t even know what else to say to her. I’ve apologized until I’m blue in the face and it isn’t doing any good at all. I don’t think she has ever been this angry with me before."

"Sounds like it could be a bit more than that," Alex remarked, sitting down sideways in the chair next to him in order to face him. She watched as his worry laden eyes raised to meet hers and could clearly see the level of despair in them. She had encouraged Monica to speak her mind and now that she had, Alex was reminded of the fact that Andrew was just as new to this marriage thing as the little angel was.

"Seems to me that this is the first time in the last six months that she has gotten angry period. Yes, she is pissed off at you, but maybe for the first time since that alley, she is just plain pissed off as well. Maybe she just goes through the stages of grief more slowly…or a bit more out of order," She smiled, hoping Andrew would at least give a half-hearted grin, but he only shook his head.

"I’ve hurt her, Alex. Again. Twice in a matter of days, but I honestly thought she was wrong. She just as easily could have been wrong… "

"But it would have been easier for her to admit that than for her to feel that you don’t trust her judgment, especially in light of William Grady," Paul replied forcefully before a rueful smile crossed his face. "Though for the record, in the beginning, I didn’t think she was right either."

"Was she?" Andrew asked, almost not wanting to hear the answer, no matter which answer it was.

"It’s looking more and more like she is. Sarah Witte was not molested, at least not from what her medical exam showed. She’s out of surgery and expected to make a full recovery, so we’re hoping that when this little girl wakes up, she can hopefully shed some light on things," Paul explained, sitting down at the table with them, "We won’t have the coroner’s report until tomorrow some time."

"And your professional opinion?"

A sigh and then, "Shawn Laughlin didn’t do it. Going on what we know and what evidence shows, he was murdered, possibly by the man we are still looking for. Only my opinion of course, but the rest of the agents assigned to the case also feel that way."

"Then why did he have Sarah?"

"That remains a mystery," Alex answered for her husband, "Do we know if Monica ever talked to him?"

Andrew nodded his head, "Yes, she did. He didn’t offer much. Something about sometimes bad things happen and someone needs to step in and take control of the situation. He threw her out of the apartment after that."

"Sarah lived in his neighborhood," Paul mused with a frown, "All the evidence seems to be there on the surface, but we have nothing on this guy. We searched the apartment, his car, checked for any other addresses, nothing. He’s been a volunteer at the hospital for three years and the staff loves him. They said he went out of his way to help people. His police background is unflawed."

"So Monica’s judgment of him was right on the mark and her fear of getting into a car with him was only residual of the rape and I am the biggest fucking asshole to ever walk the earth," Andrew concluded, "Now that we have that settled, what the hell am I supposed to do?"

"Plan on sleeping on the couch tonight?" Paul offered jokingly but his laugh was cut off with nothing more than a look from his wife.

"Give her some time to calm down, Andrew," Alex laid her hand on his arm, "She’ll then hopefully see things more clearly."

"Alex, how can she see more clearly the fact that I doubted her?" His voice held complete disgust for himself, "She has worked so hard to get where she is, to try to see things as they really are and not by being led by her fear and I ignore all of that and tell her she is wrong. I didn’t even try to see her side of things. I’m her husband for fuck’s sake."

"Where are you going?" Paul asked as the angel stood up and started to make his way out of the kitchen.

"A walk. A little talk with God about how to be a better husband to her as I’m failing in that respect and I’ve never wanted to succeed at anything more. Monica deserves a whole hell of a lot more than I’ve been giving her lately," He cast a sideways glance at Paul, "Her rock has been rolling all over her this week, Paul and if I don’t get my shit together, I stand to crush her."

Paul let out a deep breath as their friend departed before he looked at his wife with a playful grin, "Anymore tricks you’d like to teach that little angel? I think she has getting pissed off down pat now."

"Well, she need to, but now I feel badly for Andrew. After all, we briefly thought we had this son of a bitch as well and we’re trained agents."

*****

When Andrew walked into the kitchen from the back door half an hour later he didn’t look any more certain about what he needed to do. If anything he looked worse.

"Didn’t get the answers you were looking for, eh?" Paul said sympathetically.

"No. I guess I shouldn’t have really expected any. Marriage counselor isn’t exactly in His job description. God isn’t there to hand out the answers when things get tough. This relationship is something I treasure, and I should be willing to do whatever it takes to protect it. Andrew’s shoulders sank and he closed his eyes for a moment. "So I guess we all have some work ahead of us," he muttered.

"I hate to say it, Andrew, but right now I think I prefer mine to yours," Paul replied.

"I’m not surprised."

"Hey, you two, it isn’t that bad. You’re both acting like Monica is just some unreasonable female. She still loves you, Andrew."

"I know she does… that almost makes I worse. She loves me and I can’t find a way to make this up to her."

Paul shook his head. "You probably don’t want to hear this but there may not be anything you can do. Eventually things will get better and this will fade into memory."

Andrew looked over at his friend, determination in his eyes. "That’s not good enough," he said firmly.

"Andrew…" Alex tried to placate him, but he was having none of it.

"No. I don’t care what it takes. She has enough to dwell on without adding this to the list. You two eat. I don’t think I’m feeling very hungry either."

Paul and Alex wanted to stop him but it was obvious he had made up his mind and they just shared a look as they watched him head for the stairs.

*****

The bedroom door was closed but Andrew didn’t even pause before opening it and walking in. Monica was in the middle of getting changed for bed and she turned her back to hide herself and rushed to pull her nightgown over her head. Andrew gritted his teeth. Great. Now he had made her uncomfortable along with angry.

"Sorry," he murmured as he stepped further into the room.

She just gave a little shrug and hurried to get into the bed. Even she couldn’t understand exactly what she was feeling. She didn’t want to be acting this way but there didn’t seem to be any other way to act. She wasn’t even completely angry with Andrew anymore, but she couldn’t allow herself to let it go either. It was a horrible feeling and she just wanted it to disappear. She longed for someone to tell her what to do, but at the same time she knew that wasn’t going to happen. This was something they just had to muddle through somehow.

"Do you think we could talk now?" Andrew asked.

She pursed her lips together and then looked at him with her eyes wide, holding a mix of emotions. "I think we should," she said.

He sat down on the edge of the bed and took a second to think before saying anything. "I know I’ve already apologized. I know I’ve already said that I’ll work to keep myself from repeating the same mistake again. I know I’ve told you everything that I can think of to make things right between us, but so far nothing’s worked. You’ve told me that you forgive me, and maybe that should be enough, but I can still see something in your face that tells me you may have forgiven but you’re not going to forget, and that’s hard for me to accept. Every time I bring it up I think I just make you more upset and Paul seems to think that maybe this is one of those arguments where time is the only thing that can make it better, but I just have to try one more time."

She was perfectly quiet as he spoke but she leaned a little closer to him and he gingerly placed his hand on her leg. She took in a sharp breath when he did that but he kept it there and even gave it a little squeeze.

"I wish I could tell you what to say to make it better," she whispered.

"So do I." He looked at her, thinking about how much they had been through over the long years before their feelings had blossomed, and the short time that felt like years since. Good and bad, he wouldn’t have traded any of it. All of it together had brought them together and made them closer than ever and so would this.

"I don’t like feeling this way," she said plaintively. "You know that, right?"

"Of course I do," he was quick to reassure her, "and I know I’m the one to blame. I admit that maybe you were right. Maybe I have been treating you differently since everything happened, but I swear it isn’t because I think less of you, angel. If anything I think more! I just love you so much and I worry about you all the time, and that’s my problem, not yours. I just can’t stand the idea of anything happening to you…"

Andrew was looking at her pleading with her to believe him, and she covered his hand with her own. "It may be your problem but I don’t think I’ve made it any easier for you," she admitted.

"That’s not your fault," he stated adamantly. "That’s exactly why I’m telling you all this, because I don’t want you holding onto any kind of guilt."

"Maybe we both still have some issues to deal with," she said quietly.

He looked at her and felt his love for her surge. "I suppose we do," he agreed, "and maybe we both need to be reminded of that every once in a while."

"But not like today," she insisted. "I shouldn’t have walked away from you…"

"You were upset and you needed some space. I understood that."

She looked up at him almost shyly, "But you still followed me. I saw you in a reflection from a store window."

"I couldn’t just let you go," he said with a helpless shrug.

"And that’s one of the reasons why I love you so much."

Her expression had lost the half-veiled look from earlier and Andrew took hold of her hand and lifted it to his lips. "Whatever else happens, Monica, I don’t ever want you to think for one second that I don’t love you just as much."

"I never thought I would be able to fight with you. Even the thought of it made me so afraid, but now… When I hear you say that I know it’s a truth I can hold onto forever."

He smiled and took a chance on pulling her into his arms. "Forever and a day, baby."

She smiled up at him as her eyes glistened with tears, "That’s what you told me in the little note you gave me the day we got married."

Feeling her relax in his arms, he placed his hand under her chin and replied softly, "And I meant it every bit as much just now as I did the day I married you, angel. If it is possible, I will love you even longer than forever." His words ended on a slow, tender kiss as his heart swelled with the gratitude of having her in his arms once more as it was the place he was certain she belonged.

The little angel’s dark eyes were full of love and utter relief when the kiss ended. Feeling a lone tear escape, she smiled up at him, "Tell me this is when we get to make up."

Kissing away the shiny path on her cheek, he laid her back against the pillows, his green eyes showing caution, "Are you sure, baby?" She had been so self conscious earlier and he didn’t want to do anything to harm her emotionally.

Laying her hand on his cheek, she gave a little nod, "I need to be one with you again, Andrew. I hate it when anything, even a disagreement separates us. You can be right here beside me and it still feels like something is between us," Pulling him down, she kissed him softly, "I don’t want anything between us right now."

"Neither do I, angel. Not now and not ever, and though neither of us can guarantee that we will always see things eye to eye, I can promise you that I will always from now on try to see your side, and whether I can or I can’t, I will always love you exactly the same."

Monica searched his eyes, seeing nothing but the love and affection he held for her. Running her hands from his face down to his shoulders, she whispered, "Then love me now, Andrew."

He needed no urging as he lay above her, his elbows on the bed keeping his weight off her. His hands ran through her hair as he kissed her, tenderly at first, but as she wrapped her arm around his neck to pull him closer, the kiss deepened and became more urgent. He traced the inside of her mouth with his tongue, memorizing her sweetness, his fingers tangling in her hair.

Andrew stole her breath again and again as he proceeded with the gentle yet intense assault on her mouth as his hand moved to her breast, cupping it over her nightgown, his thumb brushing over her stiff peak. He kneaded the mound gently, hearing the soft moans that escaped her when he allowed her to come up for air. Moving slowly, as if not even moving at all, he inched up the nightgown, only breaking their kiss long enough to pull it back over her head and leaving her bare beneath him.

His hand continued to stroke her breast as he met her passion filled eyes, "I love you, Monica. You are my perfect, beautiful, incredible wife, who I will always love completely, with heart, with hands, with body and with soul."

The deep love in his eyes combined with what his hand was doing on her breast caused the desire and need to well up in her quickly as she took his face into her small hands, "I love you, Andrew. I will always love you. Nothing could ever change it." She pulled him back for another kiss, this one urgent and speaking of her need to unite with him once more, even as she wished they could stay this way forever and never have to allow outside forces to penetrate them in any way. God had created them to be together though, and Monica was certain that no matter what was thrown at them, together they could find a way to deal with it and see it through. Yes, they would both make mistakes, but from them, they would learn and grow, always together.

Kissing down her jaw, Andrew moved further down her body to draw her hardened bud into his mouth, feeling her arch her back beneath him to offer herself to him. He alternated between the two peaks, leaving them erect and a deeper shade from his attention. He loved the way her soft moans filled the room and how she whispered words of a love so deep, that the whispers were only shared in their hearts. His hand crept down between her legs, which were already opened in an invitation for him to relieve the throbbing he could already feel coming from her. He continued to suck and lap at her nipple as he stroked the soft mound, even as his wife raised her hips slightly in a silent plea. Parting the delicate folds, he stroked through her silky wetness as her soft cries intensified, only urging him to tease, running the length of her quickly, pushing her just to the precipice and then slowing back down to leave her hanging on the edge.

It was the sweetest of tortures and every nerve in the little angel’s body was set completely on edge. Her head moved restlessly from side to side against the pillow until she felt him withdraw his fingers, causing her to open her eyes in protest. The answer was a soft chuckle from her husband, who had moved to unbutton his shirt, leaving her throbbing, empty and wanting.

"Patience, my little angel," Andrew chastised with a grin as he removed the rest of his clothing, watching her eyes grow even darker as she watched. Without warning, he pushed two fingers into her pulsating core as he leaned down to whisper into her ear, "I’m going to taste you now, angel."

The words alone nearly sent her falling and she gasped as his mouth descended upon her, the warmth of his tongue running along her folds, even as his fingers moved in and out of her center. When he took her little nub between his lips she found herself rushing to the edge, even as she fought against it, longing to have him inside of her, but when he inserted a third finger into her tightness, she knew that there would be no turning back.

"Andrew! Andrew, please…"

He looked up at her in perfect contentment, "Let go, baby," He said softly, before drawing the sensitive nub into his mouth once more. Immediately he watched as his wife’s back arched as she climaxed hard and he removed his fingers to push into her with his tongue, drinking of her orgasm.

The sensation of his mouth upon her caused wave after wave of intense bliss to wash over her as her fingers grasped at his forearms, as she struggled to stifle the screams that longed to escape. She was still spasming when Andrew finally pushed the length of himself into her with a guttural moan, feeling her tightness surrounding him. Just watching her in the throes of passion had nearly sent him soaring and now he thrust into her forcefully as she matched his rhythm with her hips. Though her eyes were closed, there was a sweet smile on her face at finally coming together, feeling him inside of her in perfect union.

Monica’s intense climax had left her slick and tight and Andrew was moving closer and closer to his own completion as he reached between them and stroked the now very sensitive nub between her folds. He tickled it as he emptied himself into her, and captured her cry as she tumbled with him with a kiss. She struggled to catch her breath as he wrung every last sensation from their bodies and then kissed her forehead lovingly.

"That was…incredible," His wife murmured as he slipped from her depths and pulled her to his chest.

"Every time with you is incredible, sweetheart," Andrew replied softly, kissing the top of her head, "And we don’t even need to argue for it to be that way."

"No," Monica agreed with a contented sigh, "I know you so well…I have for so long…loving you just feel so incredibly right each and every time. Like it’s the way it is supposed to be."

"That’s because it is, angel," Andrew whispered, feeling the emotion welling up within, "You and I were always meant to be; part of God’s perfect plan and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world."

She smiled, as she closed her eyes, reminded once again of how much he loved her and that no matter what else changed around them, that fact would always be so.