CHAPTER 7

Alex was ready to climb the walls by the time the front door opened three hours later and she heard Paul calling out her name to announce their arrival. She summoned all her courage and plastered on a smile as she hurried out to the hallway to meet them.

"You made it," She smiled, immediately seeing the roses they were each holding, "Oh, and you come bearing gifts!"

"Well, it was Andrew’s idea, but I was not be outdone," Paul grinned, handing her the bouquet, "I mean, how bad would that have looked?"

"I think I would have understood," Alex shot a wink in the angel’s direction; "Andrew is still groveling."

The angel chuckled softly, "Where is she, Alex? I’ve been worrying about her all day."

Immediately, her entire demeanor changed and there was slight nervousness in her eyes, "Well, funny you should ask that as I was just wondering the same thing…"

Paul didn’t miss the alarm that sprang to his friend’s face, "Alex, what is going on? Where is Monica?"

"She went for a ride…she and I had a little talk and I think she realized a few things she was having some trouble facing…"

"What the hell did you talk about?" Andrew demanded. His heart was racing and he didn’t think he could be patient much longer with Evasive Alex.

"I think that bit of information is best off coming from her, Andrew, but she told me to tell you that you would know where to find her."

Confusion filled his features for a fraction of a second before understanding kicked in and a moment later, he had set down the roses and was taking long strides through the kitchen to the back door.

As the back door closed sharply, Paul looked to his wife and raised his eyebrows, clearly requesting an explanation.

"She asked to go alone, Paul and I think she needed to be by herself. It takes another woman to understand that we need that sometimes," Her voice held an edge of defensiveness and before she could turn away, he caught her by the arm.

"Sweetheart, I’m not angry, I’m just worried about them is all. It’s going to be dark soon…maybe I should help Andrew look for her."

"No," She stopped him firmly and looked up into his eyes, "They need this time…Monica needs this time with him and besides, he knows where she went. I think we all know where she went."

*****

Andrew slowed down his horse as he came to the edge of the woods and despite the knot of fear in his stomach, he also felt a wave of emotion wash over him at the sight of the forest and the clearing. He could still imagine the archway the day they had gotten married and how beautiful Monica had looked the night he had proposed. This was only the second time he had been back to this place since she had become his wife. The first time, they had been together and the brief picnic had ended up with him making love to her on the picnic blanket.

He saw Scout just at the edge of the woods and he dismounted, releasing his horse to join Monica’s as he walked slowly, but purposefully into the woods, knowing exactly where he would find her.

"I was worried about you," He said softly, as he approached her and took a seat next to her on the rock she was sitting atop of. Her cheeks were pink from the cold and he longed to hold her close, but something in her eyes kept him from doing that just yet, "Alex said the two of you had a talk."

"Yes," Monica replied quietly, keeping her arms wrapped around her knees which were pulled up to her chin, "It was a difficult one to have but she made me realize some things that I had managed to bury."

He was quiet for a moment. He so wanted to touch her, but he had a feeling that she was using every bit of strength in her being right now just to get through this conversation. She hadn’t even looked at him directly but he could feel that it wasn’t because she was angry with him, "I’m here to listen, angel, you know that."

"I know and I need for you to do that, but some of this is going to be hard for me to say and maybe hard for you to hear. I know you’re going to tell me how wrong I am, but you have to understand that no matter how right or wrong it is, it’s how I feel deep inside. I hate it, but I’m not sure there is anything you can say right now to make it be different."

She finally looked over at him, and Andrew could see the sadness in her eyes and he hated it. Tentatively, he held out his hand, palm up and breathed a sigh of relief when she laid hers inside of it. Closing his fingers around her small hand, he nodded, "I understand, sweetheart."

Monica nodded her head and managed to keep her emotions in place, "Yesterday, in the café…you hurt me, Andrew. I know you were right…I never should have gotten into the car with him, especially when I was so afraid, but the things you said, still hurt. I knew it then and I knew it when you came back to the townhouse, but I was too afraid to show you that."

He squeezed her hand gently, "I hate myself for talking to you that way, angel. You didn’t deserve it, no matter how things turned out."

"But I thought I did," Her voice was a whisper and she felt the tears starting to burn in her eyes. Taking a moment to blink them back, she continued, "Remember the night we first kissed and after Paul talked to me out in the barn, I came back in? I told you that if you could believe that what William Grady did to me didn’t matter, that maybe one day I could believe it too. Do you remember?"

Andrew thought for a moment he would be sick. He knew exactly where she was going with this and though maybe on some level, he had suspected it all along, it still broke his heart to hear it, "Yeah, baby, I remember."

She turned her teary eyes to him. "With everything in me, I want to believe it… I want to believe it doesn’t matter and I even know most of the time that to you, it doesn’t, but…when it comes to how I feel…about myself, it still matters…it still matters a lot. That’s why I couldn’t show you how hurt I was or why I couldn’t get angry. Somewhere, deep in my heart, I’m afraid that one day you’ll realize it matters too… that I’m too messed up for you to love… that if God had allowed it, that you could have had someone who hadn’t been raped… who doesn’t tense up sometimes when you touch them, like I do." She looked away for a moment, hating the tears that had begun to fall from her eyes, "Please don’t think it is you I’m doubting. I know you love me, you show me that everyday. It’s what’s inside me…the part of my soul that tries to tell my heart that one day you’re going to come to your senses," Her voice caught in a sob, "Before you came home yesterday, I was sitting there praying that you were going to come back at all-."

Unable to stand it a moment longer, Andrew pulled her fiercely into his arms, crushing her to his chest as he struggled to find the words. She had already told him that no matter how wrong it was, it was still how she felt inside and he was afraid that there were no words to remedy that, but he had to try, "Then I will just keep telling you until you do believe it, angel. Until your heart is so certain that it drowns out what that dark place in your soul is saying," He pressed his lips against the top of her head, "Know this. Know that you are the last thought in my mind before I fall asleep at night and my first waking thought when I open my eyes in the morning. Even my dreams, sweetheart, are of you. It’s pretty safe to say that I think about you all the time and that nothing feels more perfect to me than holding your hand in mine." He pulled away and watched as she tilted her head up to look into his eyes, "Even the day after Grady did what he did, and every day since then, I have never looked at you and seen someone who was raped. Baby, I look at you and see someone I love. Someone I want by my side now and for the rest of eternity and I am never, never going to change my mind about that."

"That’s how Alex said you felt. It’s what Paul’s said too… and I keep making you say it over and over again. Right now I believe it," she whispered quietly. "I just hope that next week or next month I’ll still believe. I love you so much it hurts deep inside… and then I get so afraid…"

Andrew sighed heavily and closed his eyes as she settled her head against his chest. "If I could I would erase every speck of doubt right now, but I swear that someday you will look at me and wonder how you ever could have thought that I could possibly stop loving you. I may not be able to make you forget about the rape, but I swear that I will at least be able to do that for you. I don’t deserve you, Monica but with God’s help and your love I will become someone who does."

"You already are," she murmured into his jacket. "I told you… I don’t blame you… it’s me…"

His finger was against her lips a moment later. "No. It’s not you. This is about both of us… together… and we will see it through together. I don’t want to ask anything of you right now, but please, tell me that you’ll remember what I’ve said to you the next time you feel even a hint of worry. Remember what my arms feel like around you right this minute. Remember how tight I held you and remember this:"

His heart, which was always at least partly open to her suddenly burst wide apart and everything he had ever felt for her flooded over and through her heart and soul. There was laughter and friendship and even the little disagreements they’d had over the years, but stronger than anything else was the deep and overwhelming love that he felt for her… had always felt for her. She clung to him, sobbing again as the emotions came almost too fast for her to comprehend them all. She remembered the fear she'd felt when she had completely opened her heart to him after the rape, when he had stood in the living room holding her and had told her that he loved her even more than before.

Leaning his head forward, his lips found hers and he kissed her slowly and gently, even as she continued to softly cry. "I know you’re still going to have doubts for a while, but I will set them to rest each and every time. I promised you forever, angel, and that’s what I am going to give you."

*****

"Alex, I can’t wait anymore. It’s almost pitch black out there. They should have been back."

His wife’s hand on his arm kept him from getting up from the sofa. "Please, just five more minutes, Paul. I’m sure they’re fine." She had managed to get him to watch the news with her to distract him from the angels’ absence, but the sports reporter had just wrapped up and the teaser for the weather was kind enough to announce that temperatures were dropping rapidly and expected to hit single digits by midnight.

"I agreed to five more minutes, almost half an hour ago," he teased, but when looked down into her face he abruptly sat down again. "Alex, what’s wrong?"

She waved her hand in front of her face and sniffled. "It’s nothing… just the hormones… you know that… I just… I don’t want you out there in the dark too."

Paul gently rubbed her arm and kissed the tip of her nose. "Fine. Five more minutes. But then I really have to start looking for them." He waited for a minute before putting his arm around her shoulders and pulling her tight to his side. "You never told me what you and Monica talked about," he said slowly.

"Probably stuff I shouldn’t have said, but I felt like she needed to hear," Alex replied.

Paul’s questioning glance let her know that a little more detail was needed.

"I think that sometimes she still doesn’t feel much better about herself than she did the week after that fucking piece of shit raped her. I think she still doesn’t think she’s worth anymore than he told her she was."

The shocked look on Paul’s face nearly said it all. "You told her that?"

"Of course not. Well, not like that anyway. But it’s true, Paul. I’ve seen it before. I’ve seen that look she had in her eye in the café. It’s been six months, but when something like that hits her it may as well be six days. She’s come so far, but there are some things that are just going to take a little longer than others… and one of them is feeling sure enough about herself to really let Andrew have it when he’s out of line."

Letting out a little chuckle he gave her a squeeze. "I thought you had appointed yourself her fight stand-in."

"I have. Trust me. But she isn’t always going to be here, and if she can’t be honest with him when she’s mad then it hurts both of them."

"Well judging from the guilt pouring off Andrew today, I don’t think he’ll be giving her cause to be angry any time soon."

"I know. I could tell that the second he walked in the house," she said with a wry grin.

When the back door opened four and a half minutes later, Alex felt an enormous weight lift from her chest. She was the first one out of the family room and Paul didn’t catch up to her until she was almost in the kitchen.

"You’re back!" she announced.

Andrew chuckled as he helped Monica out of her coat. "Yes, we’re back." When he glanced over and saw the last bits of worry flit from Alex’s expression he continued, "Sorry we were gone so long…"

"That’s okay," Alex piped up. "Gave Paul and me a chance to get dinner together."

Paul laughed out loud. "What she means is that it gave us a chance to call the pizza place and put in an order. It should be here in the next ten minutes or so."

Alex was trying to catch Monica’s eye and was grateful when the little angel finally looked up. It was obvious that she had been crying, but her eyes were dry now, and there was even a familiar glint of hope that had been missing for the past several days. Whatever they had said to each other it had managed to make her feel at least a little bit better.

"Well, I say while we wait for the delivery guy, we get a fire going," Paul stated decidedly, "It is going to get cold tonight and as we are all here on a break, we’re taking advantage of it and relaxing right. Andrew, buddy, can you help me bring in some wood?"

"Sure thing, Paul," The angel replied, putting his jacket, which he had just taken off back on again, with a playful roll of his eyes to Alex.

She stifled a giggle, though her eyes shone warmly at the way Andrew laid his hand tenderly against Monica’s cheek before he followed Paul out the front door, "Are things better?" She asked the angel hopefully once their husbands were safely outside.

"Things feel better," Monica decided after a moment and with a tired smile, "It was probably the most honest I’ve been in some time, with both myself and Andrew."

"Well, I hope he sufficiently reminded you of how much he loves you," She grinned to soften the slightly threatening undertone to her words.

Monica looked away briefly, mostly just to hide the sudden rush of emotion that came over her face at the memory of all he had shown her…all the things that he kept in his heart, "Yes. He said all the right things." When she looked back at her friend, she was smiling and Alex was certain that the first rays of light were finally breaking through, trying to find their way through the storm.

*****

"She’s out like a light," Paul observed quietly as he looked at the angel Andrew held in his arms. Andrew was sitting on the floor and Monica had been nestled in his arms since she had finished eating, but now she was fast asleep.

"She had a rough twenty-four hours," Andrew remarked, gazing down at his wife and brushing the hair away from her face, "Whatever you said to her, Alex, thank you. I feel like I have a starting point again. Though I hate the way she feels about herself, at least I now know for a fact that those feelings are still present."

"Though it pisses me off that they are," Paul remarked with a scowl, "Grady got off too fucking easy if you ask me."

Andrew nodded his head solemnly, though in his heart he knew that anyone who hurt Monica got off too easy, himself included, "I forgot to give her the roses."

"You gave her her smile," Alex remarked warmly, "But the roses are in a vase on her side of the bed. She’ll see them as soon as she wakes up in the morning."

"Aww," Paul grinned, giving his wife a squeeze, "You act so tough but in all honesty, you’re an old softie inside."

"Watch it with the ‘old’ word, bub," She replied, elbowing him in the ribs, "Or you’ll see how tough I can be."

Paul caught the mischievous glint in her eyes and wondered how obvious it would be to carry her back to bed right now. Actually, he wasn’t sure if he gave a shit if Andrew figured it out.

The angel seemed to sense the undercurrent and carefully started positioning Monica so he could pick her up and take her to bed, "I think it’s time to call it a night," He remarked, moving so he was kneeling and then lifting the sleeping angel effortlessly into his arms. Standing up, he smiled as she murmured something unintelligible, "Good night you two," He added and then shot Alex a wink, "And try to keep things down."

Alex’s lips twitched as she watched him walk out of the room, "He is such a shithead," She quietly exclaimed, giving her husband a playful punch when he roared with laughter.

As Andrew carefully laid his wife down on the bed, she opened her eyes sleepily and gazed up at him, "Andrew?"

"Shh. Everything’s fine, angel. Why don’t you get changed and you can go right back to sleep." He handed her a nightgown and waited while she changed slowly, obviously feeling too tired to bother being in any way shy, which was still at times her custom. He longed to hold her close and make love to her, showing her exactly just how much he loved her, but he knew she was exhausted and he wasn’t even sure if her current feelings would have allowed it anyway.

Stripping down to his boxers, he followed her into bed, smiling contentedly when she immediately curled into his arms, one leg wrapping around his own. Moving his head, he kissed her gently and felt her snuggle closer, "You’re feeling a little better," He observed softly.

She gave a little nod accompanied by a sleepy smile, "I like being here at the farm. I like being here with you and knowing you don’t have to go anywhere."

"Nope, I don’t have any place to be other than with you, angel. Tomorrow we can do whatever you’d like. Anything at all." He stroked her hair, thinking she had nearly fallen back to sleep, but then she looked up at him with a hint of mischief in her dark eyes.

"I think what I’d really like to do we won’t be able to do."

He looked puzzled, though a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth, "And what might that be, baby?"

"Go back to where we were tonight and have another picnic."

Andrew chuckled and hugged her tightly, "You mean the picnic where we didn’t have all that much to eat?"

"Mmm hmm," She laid her head back against his chest once more, "Though I recall being perfectly sated."

Another laugh rumbled deep in his chest, "Yes and as I recall, you instigated that one, not that I minded."

"Course you didn’t mind," Monica retorted, with a tiny giggle, "I seem to recall you being rather enthusiastic about it."

He smiled and reached down to her chin to tilt her head up, "I always am when it comes to loving you, angel," He told her quietly, watching the soft sparkle that filled her eyes.

Laying her head down once more, she ran her hand idly over his strong chest, enjoying the feel of him, the safety of him. She was so exhausted, but the love she felt coming from his gaze and his heart warmed her pleasantly, "I love you so much," She murmured, feeling his hand stroking her back, making her eyelids heavy.

"I love you completely, angel," Andrew whispered, and a moment later, he heard her even breathing. Even if a picnic was out of the question, he would find a way to make the weekend special for her. He wanted to constantly remind her of how much he loved her, and how deserving she was of that love, before they returned to city and her existence threatened to become difficult once again

*****

Paul closed the bedroom door and smiled as Alex’s hands snaked around his waist. He turned in her arms and leaned down to kiss her. Her lips parted automatically as the kiss climbed to another level, but there was something about it that made him ease off. He slowly ended the kiss and pulled back to look into Alex’s face.

"It’s been a very emotional day," he said gently. "If you want to forego our little tradition, I won’t mind at all." That tradition dated back to just after their engagement. No matter how late they arrived, our how long they were planning to stay; they always spent the first night making love. It was a sort of homecoming, especially after particularly long and difficult cases.

Alex leaned against him and hugged him tightly as she tried to put her feelings into some semblance of an explanation. "It’s just… I keep thinking about poor Monica… and Andrew too… We brought them here to relax and I pretty much screwed that up by forcing her to dredge up her feelings, and now she’s probably in there having nightmares and we’re in here…" she left the rest of the thought hanging, but Paul knew where she was going.

He kissed her hair and then pulled back a little and tilted his head to catch her gaze. "Sweetheart, I’m not saying this to try and convince you to do something you aren’t in the mood for, but I think I can say with complete certainty that they wouldn’t mind."

"I know… I know. Hell, Andrew practically ordered us to…"

"But you just don’t feel right about it." Paul kissed her lightly on the lips. "Like I said, sweetheart, it’s been a very long week. I don’t think a little extra sleep will do us any harm." He smiled at her and waited until she returned it before he wrapped his arms around her and gave her another hug.

"You’re sure?"

"Positive. Now hurry up and get changed. I want to say goodnight to the baby before he goes to sleep."

Alex laughed as she started to undress. "So now it’s a boy?"

"Yes. Today, he feels like a him," he replied smugly as he quickly stripped off his clothes and pulled down the bed covers.

"Wouldn’t you like to know for sure?" she wheedled. She slipped on one of her favorite nightgowns and snuggled into bed next to him.

"Nah… tomorrow he might feel like a girl." His large hand reached down to rub her belly, and Alex giggled helplessly. And he called her the old softie. There was definitely another Gatlin deserving of that title.

*****

The wind howled around the farmhouse and Paul was certain that was what had woken him. However, a slender hand tracing down his chest let him know the truth. He turned his head as her fingers circled one nipple, plucking at it and bringing a growl to the back of his throat.

"Alex?"

"What can I say? I changed my mind." Her eyes were shining and the pale skin of her shoulder shone in the pale moonlight and revealed that she had already slipped out of her gown.

"Well," he inched closer and reached out to stroke her soft skin. "Who am I to stand in the way of a woman’s prerogative?"

Less than a heartbeat later their mouths were meeting hungrily and Paul’s hands rushed to touch every inch of her body. Alex, on the other hand, was more interested in concentrating on one particular body part. She had her long fingers wrapped around him and was slowly working him into a frenzy. She was very good at it and it didn’t take long before Paul knew if he didn’t take action things were going to be over much sooner than he wanted them to be. Still kissing her, he grabbed both her wrists in one hand. When she gave a little squeak of protest he kissed her lightly on the nose and smiled as he brought them over her head and curled her fingers around the slatted headboard.

"Now, no letting go," he whispered huskily. "Remember, I’m a federal agent. Strict penalties for disobedience."

Alex’s sexy smile grew even wider as she tightened her grip. "I think I’m ready for you, agent," her sultry voice was accompanied by a wink, but a second later both eyes were wide open.

Paul dipped his fingers into her hot center and easily thrust two fingers inside, curling them to hit the spot that drove her mad. "Yes, I think you’re just about ready," he said with a smirk, "but we can’t be too sure, now can we?"

He kissed his way down her body, spending extra time at each breast. Already they had begun to grow fuller and were ten times more sensitive. He took each nipple into his mouth in turn, flicking them with his tongue and all the while kneading the other with his hand. She was arching her back and begging him to continue by the time he finally granted her request and moved lower. Her stomach he kissed almost reverently, fanning his hands out to cover the small bulge and then looking up to Alex’s face and smiling like the proud father he was soon going to become. She was tossing her head back and forth, her knuckles white around the bed-slats, and he grinned against her hip as he moved lower still.

"Yes… please, Paul… Please…" she murmured as she felt his hot breath against her most sensitive flesh.

He had planned to make her really beg, but seeing her arousal, glistening in the low light, made him instantly and painfully hard. Again he pushed two fingers into her, drawing a muffled cry from her lips and then he lapped around the sensitive little nub before sucking it gently between his lips. Her hips started moving frantically and he knew she was practically there. A few more sharp thrusts from his hand and a flutter of tongue against her and she was gone, her juices spilling over his hand, and his name pouring from her mouth.

He barely gave her time to recover before pressing the length of himself into her and moving so that he could look down into her face. "I love you, baby. I don’t think you’ll ever know how much."

The look in her eyes told him that she had at least some idea, and then she was urging him to move within her. He needed no coaxing, and before long he was driving into her deeply, meeting every upward thrust of her hips. He felt himself getting closer and closer and reached between them to rub gently against her still over sensitized nub. She was almost surprised when she found herself rushing towards completion once again, and Paul caught her cry with his kiss as he emptied himself into her, feeling her arms wrap tightly around his neck.

He was still breathing heavily, minutes later, when he slipped from her and let himself roll to the side, pulling her with him to lie pillowed on his chest.

"Worth waking up for?" she asked slyly.

"Yes," he replied vehemently, "but don’t think I didn’t notice that you let go." He reached down and pulled one of her hands to his lips and kissed it. "Lucky for you it’ll take me a little while to think of a suitable punishment," he grinned.

A smug smile etched itself across her features as she closed her eyes. "I was counting on that. Looking forward to it."