CHAPTER 38

A surprising meeting

After all the wounded had been treated, something different and wonderful began to happen at St. Paul's Church. With no minor injuries to help with, the volunteers began to turn the little chapel into a place of peace for the rescue workers who spent their days and nights digging through the rubble at Ground Zero, as the former home of the World Trade Center towers had come to be called. Rescue workers would come into the chapel, dirty, exhausted, and depressed; and the volunteers were there with a kind word, a cold drink, a warm meal, and a makeshift bed. It was the one saving grace to the men and woman who spent nearly every waking moment searching for survivors, but as the days past, the chance of finding anyone alive became less likely. But either way, the rubble had to be cleared and fact was, it was a job that was going to take months.

New York City came together during the tragedy; famous restaurants supplied meals to the chapel to feed the rescue workers, masseuses showed up to tend to stiff shoulders and aching backs, podiatrists volunteered their off hours to help the workers who spent their days walking on the still steaming ground that burned below where the towers had been felled. A matter of days after the attack, banners and cards began to appear from all over the world, offering encouragement and sympathy to the country who had undergone such traumatic loss and these were hung around the chapel along with the heartbreaking pictures of missing loved ones in the hopes that someone might be found.

And though her heart broke for all involved, there was only one missing person that Monica could focus on finding, even when no word came. The first few days had stretched into a week and the little angel was certain that the chapel was the only thing keeping her from curling up into a frightened ball in a corner. She desperately wanted to feel joy over the news of her pregnancy, but without Andrew to share it with, it only left her more terrified. Oh, she loved the little baby in her womb with her entire heart, but it was all she could do to think about it right now. Thinking about the baby meant thinking about the possibility of raising it without Andrew at her side and that meant thinking about an entire lifetime here without him. Thinking about that too much caused her to retreat to a quiet place where she could cry out her pain and fear, before once again putting on her bravest face and continuing to do what she had once been created to do; help others.

Monica lived and breathed that chapel. She slept there, unable to bear sleeping at their apartment alone. Sleeping was difficult enough as her dreams were haunted with images of her husband; some of them happy and others devastating and she would often wake up in tears. Immediately following the tears she would have to bolt to the bathroom to lose last night's dinner, what little bit she had been able to eat, due to her current condition.

She was convinced she was in her own personal hell and that the only way out was to feel a pair of strong yet tender arms wrap around her and feeling the beat of the only heart that completely understood her own, beating against her chest. It was the longing for these things alone that forced her to take breath after breath.

Ella checked in whenever she could as her worry for her young friend was increasing in leaps and bounds. Monica was pale and looked exhausted and though she was two months pregnant, she somehow looked thinner than Ella had ever remembered seeing her. Yet Monica was kind and compassionate with every worker she interacted with, always taking the time to speak encouraging words to them, but Ella was fairly certain that Monica was avoiding what was slowly becoming the truth...that Andrew wasn't coming back.

"Ella." The little angel managed a small smile for her friend as she saw her enter into the chapel.

"Hello baby," She hugged Monica tightly and then pulled back, her hands resting on small shoulders, "You look exhausted, Monica. Isn't it time for you to come home?"

She frowned and shook her head, "Ella, no. Not until I find Andrew. He's out there helping somewhere and I need to do the same thing. At home, I'll just be waiting for him. Here, I can at least feel useful."

The older woman drew in a deep breath and tried to speak her next words as gently as she possibly could. She didn't want to take Monica's hope, but she didn't want her deluding herself either, "Honey, there's a very good chance that Andrew...well, that he might not be coming back."

The little angel recoiled from her friend's touch as the cocoa brown eyes hardened at those words, "He's coming back, Ella. I know it."

"Monica, I want to believe that, I do, but no one has seen him, baby. Not since those towers fell. Don't you think if he were out there somewhere he'd know how worried you would be about him? Don't you think he'd go home to find you or to the school to try to track you down?"

The words felt like a punch in the stomach as they were words Monica had not bothered to consider before. She had avoided such thoughts as dwelling on them would emotionally cripple her, "No...he's just busy is all. There are a lot people out there that need him right now. You don't know him like I do! If he were de...if he weren't coming back I would feel it, Ella! I would! He is so much a part of me; I would know. You don't understand!"

"Baby, I understand how much you love him and I understand how much easier it is to pretend he is just busy, but Andrew would never be too busy to let you know he is safe-."

"He's not dead, Ella!" The usually soft spoken angel now pierced the quiet chapel with borderline anger

in her voice, causing several heads to turn their way, "If he were dead, I would know it...because a part of me would die with him. Don't you know that by now? I have to believe he is out there somewhere because I can't bear to think of it any other way and I don't need you or anyone else trying to convince me he was killed. My nightmares remind me of it every time I sleep...so please, I don't need you reminding me of it too."

Unable to hold herself together another second, Monica turned and hurried out of the chapel, to a quiet corner of the cemetery; the part of the yard that held the tree that had saved them that horrible day; the tree Andrew had planted. Sinking to the ground with her back up against the trunk of the great Sycamore, the little angel buried her face in her hands and sobbed.

"Please...please Father...please..." She didn't even have to voice what she was asking for; she knew He already knew. Her heart was breaking as slow reality began to creep inside of it, even as she fought to block it out. How could she give up on finding him? She knew that hundreds of other people were considering the same things right now; the number of missing was far greater by several hundred than those who had been found. Monica knew in her heart that the majority of those missing were dead. How could they not be? Planes full of gasoline had crashed into those towers, instantly igniting them, killing hundreds in that moment alone. Anyone on the floors above those impacted by the crash would have been trapped. The stairwells would have been crowded with people trying to escape from below that and not everyone would have gotten out. Hundreds of people had lost their loved ones a week ago... why should she be spared? Because she was once an angel? An angel who had broken the rules and fallen in love and had then chosen to become human to live out that love. She was human now...why should she be spared when so many other suffered?

But surely she would know, wouldn't she? Surely she would know if Andrew was dead; if his human life had been lost when those towers fell. If he had died, surely she would no longer be able to function. They were so connected; if she had lost half of herself she would know it, surely.

Leaning her head back against the tree, her tears continuing to fall, she looked at the skyline where the towers used to stand and wondered at how horribly things could change in an instant of cruelty dreamed up by pure evil. Not only had such evil now touched her angelic soul, but it had grabbed her in a very personal way in a cruel twist of fate.

"Baby?"

Monica sucked in a sharp breath through her sobs as Tess materialized before her, but all the little angel could do was to stare at her through blurred vision even as anger, uncharacteristic of her, bubbled up in her chest. It was completely quiet for what seemed to be a lifetime and when Monica broke the silence, she barely recognized her own voice through the bitterness.

"What do you want, Tess?"

The older angel was only somewhat startled by Monica's tone, but she had honestly expected it on some level. Her hope had been that maybe the little angel would have fallen crying into her arms, but it was obvious now that would not happen.

"Angel Girl, I was hoping we could talk..."

"Do you know where he is?" Monica demanded, wiping at the tears on her face, hating to show any weakness in the face of her once trusted friend, "Do you know where Andrew is?"

Tess regarded Monica in silence for a moment, her heart aching at the mere sight of her former charge. It was obvious that the last days had taken a terrible physical toll on her and though she knew the last week had taken a terrible toll on millions of people, none mattered quite as much right now as Monica, "No baby, I haven't been told. I know he is missing and I just wanted to check on you. I...I've missed you, Angel Girl."

"If you don't know where he is then get out of here, Tess," Her voice was level and somehow steady. She couldn't deal with this now. She didn't have the energy.

"Monica, please. Just listen to me.."

But suddenly the young angel's face was clouded with anger and a pain that ran so deep it took Tess' breath away, "Listen to you? You want me to listen to you when a year ago that was all I wanted from you...for you to listen to me...to listen to Andrew and you wouldn't listen. Instead you gave us an impossible choice."

"I know that, Monica, I do," The grief in her friend's eyes was tearing at her heart and Tess wasn't sure she had ever seen Monica looking so broken, "I wanted to tell you how sorry I am about all of that-."

"Now?" Shakily, Monica rose to her feet, despite how unsteady she was feeling under the weight of her breaking heart, "Tess, we've been here for a year and a half. A year and a half ago you let us know just what you thought of us being together. You've had a year and a half to make that right but you didn't," Her voice trembled and she was unsure how much longer the violent sobs would remain at bay yet she did not want to cry now. Not now, "But now, now that Andrew is missing...maybe...maybe dead, then you show up? Right now you have what you wanted; us not together...and you want me to listen to your apology?"

"Monica, I understand you're upset and you have every right to be. I did place you and Andrew in a terrible situation because what was happening between the two of you confused me..."

"So can you imagine how confused we felt? We were coming to you for guidance and what we got was anger."

"I know, baby and it was wrong of me. It took me awhile but now when I look back on that day, I can see how confused you both were and I was not who you needed me to be and I'm not sure I'll ever forgive myself for that."

The little angel regarded her in silence for a moment, unsure of what to think or feel. For months she had been longing to see Tess; to talk to her the way they once had before any of this had happened, but now that her former friend was standing here asking for forgiveness, Monica realized that though once what she had wanted most in the world was Tess back in her corner, right now, she simply didn't have the energy to deal with any of it. It was all just too much and the sobs she had been trying to contain now burst free even as she struggled to speak around them.

"Tess, please...don't misunderstand...I want to be able to talk to you about this...I do...but right now, I just can't..." She buried her face in her hands for a moment and allowed the tears to come harder. Yet when Tess cautiously approached and tried to rest her hands on the little angel's frail shoulders, Monica gently stepped back and away, "I can't.." she repeated, looking up once more through red and swollen eyes, "I love you, Tess...I do and I always have but right now...I have to give everything I have to finding out...to finding out what happened to Andrew...and right now, it feels like I don't have a lot left."

Tess nodded her head sadly but her voice was matter-of-fact, "and you know the Father will give you the strength you need, Angel Girl."

Monica closed her eyes for a moment, her throat so tight she could scarcely force out the words, "Everyone thinks he's dead."

The older angel felt hot tears fill her own eyes at the mere thought of something having happened to Andrew. She had made so many mistakes and had hurt the two angels she loved the most, "Oh baby," Her arms ached to hold Monica close, yet she knew she had to honor her wishes right now.

"But...I can't believe that...not yet...because if I do..." She couldn't bring herself to finish her thought, "I just can't."

Monica's words caused a shudder to go through Tess. The young angel had lost so much in the last week. More than Andrew, she had also lost part of her innocence and her belief in the goodness of humanity. Tess feared that without Andrew, Monica would never regain those things again, "Would it be all right if I checked on you again soon?"

Shrugging helplessly, Monica wiped at her eyes, trying to pull herself together, "I need to get back inside. There are people I need to help."

"There's no doubt in my mind, Angel Girl, that you are helping them more than they realize," She replied as she watched Monica turn to walk back inside, but when the angel was out of sight, Tess allowed her own tears to fall, "But baby, who is helping you?"