CHAPTER 11

Andrew looked up when Monica came in the back door of the beach house
the following morning. He had awoken early to find her gone and at
first he had panicked, until he found the note she had left, saying she
had gone for a walk.
“Good Morning,” He greeted her with a gentle smile, noticing she was
dressed in the same clothes she had been in the night before and her
eyes still so vividly held the pain that he was getting accustomed to
seeing,
“I was just fixing a little breakfast. Care to join me?”

Monica managed a small smile, as she looked at the fresh fruit salad and
blueberry muffins that were on the table. She couldn’t remember the
last time she had eaten and the funny thing was that she didn’t feel in
the least bit hungry, but seeing Andrew’s hopeful expression, she nodded
her head,
“Thank you,” She said softly as he pulled her chair out for her and set
a steaming cup of coffee down in front of her. She wrapped her hands
around the mug to warm them and inhaled the scent of the beverage she
loved so much,
“I can’t remember the last time I had a hot cup of coffee,” She
commented as he got out two plates and some silverware and sat down with
her.

“I believe it was that morning at the hospital,” Andrew smiled as he
dished her up some of the fruit salad and set it down in front of her.

“Ahh, yes,” She returned his smile, grateful for his company after being
alone with her thoughts all morning,
“And I believe it was you who got me that cup as well. Where is Tess
this morning?”

“She said she had an errand to run and would be back a little later
today,” He explained, watching as she toyed with the bowl of fruit in
front of her,
“Monica, you have to eat.”

“I’m just not very hungry, Andrew,” She sighed softly, laying down her
spoon and taking a sip of her coffee.

He reached across with his hand and laced his fingers through hers,
“Sweetie, if there is anything I can do, anything at all, to make you
feel better, please tell me.”

She looked up and met her eyes with his,
“Your just being here helps,” She replied, giving his hand a gentle
squeeze,
“I don’t know what I would do without you and Tess right now. I’m not
certain that I deserve such wonderful friends, but I’m thankful that I
have them just the same.”

“Why would you say that?” He asked gently,
“What did you do that makes you think you don’t deserve us, Monica?”
His green eyes were troubled as he tried to understand a part of the
grief that was weighing so heavily upon her heart.

“I’ve been a part of something evil, Andrew…”She began in a whisper.

“You sacrificed yourself for Stacey,” He interrupted her, his eyes never
leaving hers,
“You saved one of God’s children from the fires of hell and that,
Monica, was a completely unselfish act. Why do you believe otherwise?”

Upset by his words, Monica got up from the table and walked over to the
sliding glass doors to look out upon the ocean,
“I don’t expect you to understand, Andrew.”

“Well then, make me understand,” He said firmly, trying to find a way to
get through to her,
“I want to understand, but I’m sorry, I don’t. You seem to think that
you did something terribly wrong and that is why this happened to
you--.”

“I did!” She lashed out at him, turning back around to face him,
“I didn’t trust the Father! I went looking for Kathleen and I ran away
when things got too tough! I didn’t save Stacey—she was in an accident
when I screamed at her to get out of there! I made a mess of things and
that is something that I have to live with!”

Andrew got up from his chair and approached her, placing his hands
firmly on her shoulders,
“Look me in the eyes, Monica, and tell me that you meant for this to
happen! That it was your fault Kathleen turned the entire assignment
upside down! Tell me it was your fault that Stacey was driving too fast
and was in that accident! Did you mean for that to happen, huh?”

“No! Of course I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it happened because
of choices I made, of my own free will! Those choices were
intentional! I thought I could do things my way and still get the job
done and that was wrong!” Her temper flared back at him.

“Stop taking responsibility for everything that went wrong,” He
countered,
“Since when is everything on this earth your responsibility to make sure
it goes right? “

“If I am not at fault for my actions on this, Andrew, then why am I
still human? Can you answer me that, Andrew? If I wasn’t responsible,
then why did God allow Kathleen to take me where she took me?” Her anger
was flaring out of control as the painful words rushed from her lips,
“You can’t answer those questions now, can you? Where is God now when
He could take all this pain from my heart? So, don’t you look at me and
try to tell me that I did nothing wrong because I’m the one who has to
deal with the consequences of this. Not you! I’m just your assignment!
That’s the reason you’re here and in the end none of it will matter
anyway!”
She drew in a sharp breath as he turned away from her to hide the pain
her words had caused him. She covered her mouth with her hands; longing
to take back the words that she knew had pierced his tender heart. What
was happening to her?
“Andrew,” She uttered, her voice trembling,
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it like that, honestly I
didn’t. It all came out wrong!” When he didn’t turn to face her, she
struggled to fight back the tears,
“Why is it all I can do is hurt people, Andrew?” She uttered painfully,
“You’re the last person on this earth I’d ever want to hurt and you’re
the one I keep hurting the most!”

“You never have been, nor will you ever be just my assignment.” Andrew
replied, still not turning back to her,
“You should know that.”

“I do know that, Andrew,” She replied desperately, taking a hesitant
step closer to him,
“I know that every time I hurt, that you do too, right along with me. I
was just angry at the situation, but not at you. Never at you.” She
watched as he slowly turned back to her, his eyes filled with tears and
his love for her and she wondered what she would ever do without him.

He opened his arms to her and she went to him, hugging him tightly,
trying memorize in her mind exactly how safe and cared for he made her
feel so she would never forget,
“Please forgive me?” She whispered.

“Monica, you don’t even have to ask,” He replied, kissing the top of her
head as his tears fell into her hair. He hesitated for a moment before
he pulled away from her enough to be able to look into her eyes,
“You know, all those questions that you were asking me? You know Who
you need to talk to about them.”

“I can’t yet, Andrew. I can’t go to the Father feeling this way. I’m
far too angry with Him and I know that’s wrong, but it’s how I feel. “
She moved to sit back down at the table.

He joined her, knowing that this was not the time to tell her that it
had been God who had brought her back from Kathleen’s clutches. With
her anger beginning to surface, he wasn’t sure it would be received well
by her, especially when she blamed Him for putting her there to begin
with.
He nodded his head in understanding,
“Just think about it, Monica. Talking to Him might make you feel a
whole lot better than you do right now.”

“I’ll be alright, Andrew,” She replied softly, lowering her eyes,
“It’s not like I don’t know how all of this is going to end, because I
do.”

His expression turn to one of bewilderment as he tried to meet her gaze,

“How is it going to end?” He asked, but she only shook her head sadly.

Monica knew if she told him what she believed that there would be no end
to her tears and she knew she needed to try to be strong in order to
survive losing he and Tess. She only knew that no angel had ever been
where she had been, or if one had, he or she was certainly not in heaven
to tell about it.